Caring Enough to Contend
Series: Building Better RELATIONSHIPS
October 10, 2021
Intro
My added welcome... to each of you here and connecting online.
I’m so glad that your joining in this time of growing together.
And today we are continuing our Fall focus on building better relationships.
As I’ve described over the weeks... this series is about how we can become more connected in all our relationships.
It’s about realizing that we were created for connection... and how to develop more meaningful connection.
Referring again to the Biblical word that is guiding us...we read...
Ephesians 5:1-2 (MSG)
Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. ...Observe how Christ loved us. ... Love like that.
And today... It’s about caring enough to contend. As we look at the life and love of Jesus... we see how he cared enough to contend for the good of others.... to speak truth when needed.
As Les Parrott expresses in his book Love Like That,
“If you want to love like Jesus, you can’t shy away from what you know is right and true. You can’t remain silent just to go unnoticed. Loving like Jesus is not for the chickenhearted. It requires a fierce commitment to being authentic. It requires a bold commitment to being a truth-teller. He corrected his disciples. He spoke his mind. He didn’t dance around what needed to be said—he said it. He made others feel uncomfortable, if necessary.” - Les Parrott [1]
Jesus challenges our false understanding of what love involves. Jesus challenges us to break free of associating love with being soft and safe in some sort of passive manner.
Love is not passive. Love will act. Love will affirm the potential in every life... and the truth that can protect every life.
Love will contend.
Developing real genuine connection is not easy for us for most of us.
Most relationships maintain a level of connection that is safe... but safe has a way of becoming defined as much by what we avoid as by what we share.
We will have friendships that will stay in a level of connection that’s comfortable... and that is fine... BUT we all need relationships that care enough to embrace what may be uncomfortable... that care enough to contend....and do it well. [2]
I recall many years ago... I was living in a community house of students...and a fellow student had come over for dinner...and she asked to have a moment aside... and she shared how something I had said had done had been hurtful. And midst being confronted... I recall that there was a manner in her...that brought a real sense of being valued...and even respected. I sensed her choice to have risked being vulnerable....how she how she came to me directly. Needless to say... she later became a part of this church... I would officiate at her wedding...before she moved.
She cared enough to contend... to contend for speaking the truth.
We need to challenge ourselves … and be very honest.
Most of us avoid speaking up ... we tend to want to just appease people... keep the peace.
Others may tend to speak up for the wrong reasons... and in the wrong way. We may use our version of truth like a weapon.
Both of these patterns can be self-serving... a way of protecting ourselves.
What we see in Jesus is that he was living out of a relationship to something greater.
Jesus understood...that there is something else besides just himself or the other person.
There is truth and goodness...and we cannot actually love someone without valuing what is true and good.
Jesus contended for the good and against the bad... he was bold in protecting those being condemned and equally bold in challenging those who needed to be challenged with what they were thinking or doing.
Lets take a quick swing through some examples of Jesus contending with truth and love. It could be seen as a quick look at some tough uncomfortable moments.... but they are part of the greatest love ever experienced.
ON SCREEN LIST:
Examples of Jesus contending with truth and love...
• Mary - his mother
• Nicodemus – a religious leader
• Martha – his close friend and supporter
• Peter – his disciple and entrusted friend
Perhaps no relationship is more telling than how Jesus loved his mother. [3]
In Luke’s Biblical Gospel account, he includes the incident during Christ’s youth at the age of 12...when Jesus’ parents discover he is not with them as the journey home from a major trip to Jerusalem. They go back to Jerusalem...and after three days they find him in Temple courtyard engaged in public dialogue with the religious leaders. His parents were astonished...but then we hear how Mary his mother, said to him, “Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.” (Luke 1:48)
Jesus replies...
“Why were you searching for me?” he asked. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” But they did not understand what he was saying to them.
Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.” - Luke 2:49-51
Right from the start... there was something that rooted Jesus amidst even his closest relationships. And we hear how Mary began to be effected....even by what she didn’t fully understand.
Before Jesus officially kicked off His ministry, Mary, Jesus, and some of His disciples went to a wedding in a town called Cana. The wedding ran out of wine early (a massive faux pas for a wedding reception), and Mary turned to Jesus.... apparently expecting him to use divine power to save the social situation. Jesus responds,
"Why do you involve me? My time has not yet come." - John 2:4
This response may sound strange. But it was a clear word to Mary his mother. She had known that God had sent him as the Messiah...the savior of his people... and that conflict would arise. Jesus is telling her not to disregard God’s purposes to serve her own. He is contending for her to stay aligned with God’s purposes rather than demand her own.
There’s a scene in the Gospel of Matthew. Jesus is teaching within a crowded home. We read...
While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”
48 He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” - Matthew 12:46-50
He is pointing them to what matters most... to understand that there is a higher calling that he has...and he is calling them to grasp such a higher calling on themselves. He is contending for joining the will of the Father.
Then there is Nicodemus.
Here we see a religious leader... who slipped away from his antagonistic colleagues... and waits until it’s dark to come find Jesus... and he appears to sincerely inquire about him. And Jesus contends with his paradigm. He tells him that he must be born again to see God’s kingdom. [4] And what is interesting...is that it seemed to open up Nicodemus to realize something was needed to be born afresh ...because he later is found to have received Christ. When his fellow Pharisees succeeded in having Christ crucified... when the body is taken down.... and only the fewest have the courage to receive him and see to his burial... Nicodemus is one of them. (John 19:39–42).
Then there is Martha... one of the two sisters who had become followers of Jesus ...and supported his team... including opening their home to them when staying near Jerusalem. On two occasions Martha is frustrated...and Jesus is sympathetic... but challenges her heart. [5]
And perhaps there is no relationship in which Jesus contends more...than
that of Simon Peter.... not only one of the 12 he chose as his disciples...but one of the three he had shown the greatest trust with.
Jesus had initially spoken powerfully of his life. When Peter’s brother first brings him to Jesus, we read...
Jesus looked at him and said, “Your name is Simon son of John, but you will be called Cephas.” (This is the same as Peter and means “a rock.”) - John 1:42 (GNT)
Jesus contended for what Peter could become... and would reaffirm that every time he referred to him by this name. He affirmed him by taking him with him in the most personal moments. But he also contended the most with Peter.
When Jesus spoke of his coming arrest and death... Peter denounced such a sacrificial end...and Jesus responded strongly... as Mark describes,
“Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. "Get behind me, Satan!" he said. "You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men." - Mark 8:33
When Jesus is arrested by the betrayal of Judas Iscariot, Peter takes his sword out and cuts off the ear of a servant. [5b]. Jesus rebukes him saying,
"Put your sword back in its place...for all who draw the sword will die by the sword. ...Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" (Matt. 26:52; John 18:11)
When Peter claims that even if everyone else disowns Jesus... he never will... Jesus tells Peter that before sunrise, Peter will deny Jesus three times. [5c] And after that proves true... Peter is lost in in disillusionment. His pride is pierced. But even then....he is the first one whom the risen Jesus welcomes and restores. [5d]
What do we see in these examples?
We see in Jesus... a love that was so committed to the good of those he loved...that he would contend for their good. His was actually contending FOR them... for the sake of guiding them towards what was good.
What’s also striking is that each of these lives were those he stayed connected to... and committed to. And in the end... each would know that they had experienced a love like no other.
He was committed to revealing the path that aligned with what is true and good.
We don’t contend from the same position as Jesus... who lived in an unbroken relationship with the very nature of truth...but we do so as those who are equally seeking to value that truth.
As the Biblical Book of Proverbs describes the gift of relational life, saying:
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17
How Can We Learn to Care Enough to Contend?
How can we grow in being co-contenders for the good of one another?
I trust we all realize that we are not the Messiah.... we are not the source of all truth. But there are qualities for contending that we can learn from Jesus that relate to how we love others.
I believe that there are four critical qualities to contending well. First of all...
Contending Well involves...
1. A foundation of caring.
We need to consider our motives. Are we simply flattering someone to get something? Are we simply challenging someone because they should agree with us... or because we want to win an argument?
In the very start of the Bible we are given the account of Cain rising up and striking down his brother Abel. And God asks him that revealing question: Where is your brother? To which Cain responds: Am I my brothers keeper? Well...the answer is yes....we are responsible for our brothers and sisters.
And our responsibility is not simply to punish them... or control them... or to simply serve their every whim. Our responsibility is to CARE for them.
The Bible speaks many times of both our responsibility for one another... particularly as spiritual family... but with a very strong command to only engage one another in love. [6]
The Apostle Paul describes this well in the Biblical Book of Ephesians when he says [7]...
Ephesians 4:15 (NLT) ?“...speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ...”
We are to speak the truth....WITH love. This is no small matter. Today when truth is spoken of.... it’s so easily weaponized... to win a war...and to prove one’s superiority. Speaking the truth in love... is not simply a nice way to blunt the attack. It means it’s not an attack at all. It means it is a sincere expression of care.
Contending is caring only when it is in fact... arising from care... from love.
And that is not something that we should take for granted.
If people don’t know us at all... we shouldn’t presume that our beliefs in them and their good will matter much.
How will someone know that we care?
By whether we have established a foundation of care.
Contending for the good of another will flow when we have acknowledged the good of the other... honored the good in another. If we have been a supporter... it will provide a foundation.
If we have been a critic... and rarely honored the good in the other... we may not have established a foundation for contending.
If our criticism is serving to bolster our own sense of superiority or power or control... it simply won’t be trusted.
With Jesus...we see his love for his mother... his care for his followers... his belief in Peter. His contention may not have always been easy...but it was embedded in his sacrificial care.
And when we experience such caring contention.... we should welcome it.
As the wisdom of Proverbs describes...
Proverbs 27:5-6; 28:23
Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery.
What is being described? It is a call to recognize that those who care enough to contend... are the friends we should trust. In contrast....those who avoid expressing such hard truth... will be those who just show greater outward affirmation... such as kisses... and they are actually our enemies... those we can’t trust....because they are not really serving us...not willing to risk expressing what we need. The point is... we should trust those who are willing to be honest.
The heart can generally hear love.
We know the difference between an interrogation light...but a light that helps people see.
2. A willingness to risk (discomfort, resentment, rejection).
When we care enough to contend for the good of others...we risk how uncomfortable it can be. We risk the potential for resentment...rejection and withdrawal.
This was very real for Jesus. He didn’t want to lose relationship with his mother. To remind her that she needed to know he was going to live in relationship to his Father in heaven. And it wouldn’t be easy for her to understand.
He didn’t want to lose his relationship with Peter. He was going to go through tremendous suffering. He had a friend so loyal to him that he was willing to pull out a dagger and fight for him. But he was willing to lose the comfort...for the sake of helping Peter ultimately succeed.
Jesus captures a vital truth for all leaders and lives:
You cannot lead or live well if you need everyone to be happy with you...and like you.
If our goal is to have as many people like us as possible... we will not love people well. (If our goal is to be conflict pursuant, we will not love people well either.) We must choose the goal of serving what we understand to be the good of others.
There's trouble ahead when you live only for the approval of others, saying what flatters them, doing what indulges them. ... Your task is to be true, not popular. - Luke 6:26 (MSG)
3. A freedom from presuming control.
This is what really keeps contending in the right lane.
Contending is not controlling.
As I’ve often said... and had to remind myself...
The most important distinction we can make in relating to others...is the difference between control and influence.
The simple truth is that we don’t have control over others. What we have is influence. And what I have found is that only when we let go of presuming we can control others... can we really embrace the power that we do have...which is influence.
When Jesus contended with those he loved...he never assumed that they had to accept what he said. He presented timely truth....and allowed them to choose how they would respond. [8]
When we presume we might be able to control others...we will become too connected...and try manipulating... or we will avoid altogether.
4. A position of humility (that is honest with our own challenges).
Now we can presume that Jesus was above reproach in his own character....but he did model humility. He didn’t engage others as an expression of superiority.
And he taught us that we must confront our own behavior so we can appropriately engage the challenges we may see in others.
You may recall when he said...
Matthew 7:3-5?"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. - Matthew 7:3-5
These words capture the irony of the hypocrisy that so many people have felt. Jesus is capturing the irony of presuming we should be focused solely on the behavior of others.
We need to embrace a position of humility that is honest with our own challenges.
But this also captures a key to engaging a more genuine level of relationship...which is to begin with ourselves.
The truth is that openness elicits openness... honesty elicits honesty.
If we want to connect at a more meaningful level... it often begins with us.
Whether we are sharing a hurt or problem in the relationship... or our own struggles in life... we have the power to open things up.
Henri Nouwen in his book The Wounded Healer. He points out that “Making one’s own wounds a source of healing does not call for a sharing of superficial personal pains but for a constant willingness to see one’s own pain and suffering as rising from the depth of the human condition which all men share.” - Henri J. M. Nouwen
If we want to move from isolation to intimacy... to connect more genuinely... we need to know that the door has a handle on our side.
Is there someone you can think of... who you could see taking a step to connect with more deeply....by sharing deeply... whether of your own struggles...or your concerns for theirs?
CLOSING
And this we can do when we dare to let Jesus love us.
It was he who shared his sufferings for our sake... he who has showed us unconditional love.
We can risk rejection when we receive his love for us.
PRAYER
Resources:
I shaped this series based on my own ideas about what are the most identifiable and impactful principles and patterns we can identify in the way that Jesus loved. I am indebted to Les Parrott for the way he presented that premise itself, from Ephesians 5:1-2, in his book Love Like That. ...and in this message...for his theme of Jesus loving with "boldness.”
Further Resources
For an excellent extensive look at how Jesus lived out of clear boundaries, see: Jesus Set Boundaries by Bill Gaultiere - here
For more on navigating the issue of “judging”, one may find value in Tim Keller’s RULES FOR RELATIONSHIPS
Notes:
1. Love Like That (pp. 90-94). Thomas Nelson.
2. Henry Cloud and John Townsend describe how we tend to live in “The Two Worlds of Relationships”
“Many of us live in two worlds when it comes to relationships. In one world we have friendly conversations in which we avoid all disagreements; in the other we have major conflict-type conversations that tear everybody and everything up. In the first world we have connection without truth, and in the second we have truth without connection.
God did not design us to live in these two worlds, having these two types of relationships. He wants us to live in the one world, where he lives and where truth and love coexist as allies, not adversaries. Our connections are best when they are truthful, and our truth is best when we are connected.
The Bible calls this truth in love: “Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ” (Eph. 4:15). Conversations work best when people both care for each other and tell the truth to each other. Good things happen. People get along, resolve issues, and still maintain the connection they need.”
From Henry Cloud & John Townsend, How to Have That Difficult Conversation, 2005, p. 18, Zondervan.
3. It is also notable then when Mary and Joseph bring the infant Jesus to the temple, there a man Simeon prays a prayer of thanksgiving, and addresses Joseph and Mary with words of warning:
"Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: 'This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too'" (Luke 2:34–35).
4. John 3:1-3,10?Now there was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a member of the Jewish ruling council. 2 He came to Jesus at night and said, "Rabbi, we know you are a teacher who has come from God. For no one could perform the miraculous signs you are doing if God were not with him." 3 In reply Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again." ...10 "You are Israel's teacher," said Jesus, "and do you not understand these things?
5. Luke 10:41-42 (NIV) ?"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
5b, Matthew 26:51, Mark 14:47, Luke 22:50, John 18:10
5c. Matthew 26:69-75, Mark 14:66-72, Luke 22:55-60, John 18:16-27
5d. Luke 24:34, 1 Corinthians 15:5
6. If we come harshly... venting anger... we have not come with the spirit of restoration. (Proverbs 15:1; 29:11)
If we are raising a perceived wrong.... we must listen...and be willing to forgive.
If the issue is personal... we should keep it personal. (Matthew 18:15)
It should always be in a spirit of restoring and engaged gently. (Galatians 6:1)
We hear this same sense of healthy responsibility in the many calls to admonish and encourage one another.
“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God” - Colossians 3:16
“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” -1 Thessalonians 5:11
“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” - Romans 12:9-10
From some Scriptures below, we see both the responsibility to confront with truth...and to do so in the right posture...
Leviticus 19:17
“You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him.
Ezekiel 3:18
If I say to the wicked, ‘You shall surely die,’ and you give him no warning, nor speak to warn the wicked from his wicked way, in order to save his life, that wicked person shall die for his iniquity, but his blood I will require at your hand.
Matthew 18:15
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.
Titus 3:10
As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him,
1 Timothy 5:20
As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear.
James 5:19-20
My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.
1 Corinthians 5:12
For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge?
2 Timothy 2:24-26
And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.
Galatians 6:1
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.
Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.
Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Ephesians 4:32
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Romans 12:18
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
7. I have only referred to verse 15 to keep this point simple....but one can here more in verse 25 which states: “So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body.” Ephesians 4:25 (NLT) ?
8. As one person described it... it’s about being centered in what you believe is right... and also being connected to the other person.... and maintaining those two elements.
Throughout the gospels, Jesus defined himself by saying who he was and what his mission was. At the same time, he never controlled or manipulated others to agree; instead, he asked questions and invited others into conversation to help them see where they stood in relation to him.
He was centered... knew who he was and what he believed... but he was also able to maintain various degrees of connection ...even when others didn’t understand or agree. [8]
Jesus frequently entered into prophetic debate with the religious leaders who were trying to trap him and then accepted invitations to eat in their homes.
Even when Peter was at odds with Jesus... Jesus maintained a relationship with him.
Drawn from How Did Jesus Deal with Conflict? By Trisha Taylor - here.
It is notable that Jesus was bold... from a position of boundaries. He didn’t surrender his own calling to the whims and wishes of others...and he didn’t presume he controlled others. He was bold in his influence because he grasped the boundaries. For an excellent extensive look at how Jesus lived out of clear boundaries, see: Jesus Set Boundaries by Bill Gaultiere - https://www.soulshepherding.org/jesus-set-boundaries/
