Finding and Forming Friendships
Series: Building Better RELATIONSHIPS
September 28, 2021
Intro
Do you remember when your parents sat you down and taught you how to make friends?
Remember the 3 step process every child is given?
Neither do I.
The truth is... in the earliest years of our lives... we generally relate to whoever we have around us. It’s not something many of us think about much.
In our earliest years... we just seemed to become friends with someone our parents had us play with... a neighbor... kids at school.
And... what we find...is that as we get older...it can actually get harder to find and form friendships.
There are fewer groups we simply belong to...like in grade school.
We can become more hesitant and guarded.
We often don’t know where to begin...an everybody is so busy... we don’t even know how to try.
Marla Paul in her book The Friendship Crisis [1] wrote...
“The problem is not just that friends ineluctably disappear from our lives, but that making new ones is so arduous. We search in a climate that often seems icy and inhospitable. Our skills are as rusty as the old can opener in the back of the drawer. Making friends as children and teens was as effortless as breathing. As midlife women, though, it's suddenly a complicated dance whose steps we try to retrace but can't quite remember.” - Marla Paul
It can be more challenging for both women and men.
So today, we are continuing our Fall focus and series on BUILDING BETTER REALTIONSHIPS...and particularly what we can learn from Jesus about finding and forming friendships.
And perhaps the most basic truth to help us get started...is to realize that friendships are not so much found as they are formed.
The FINDING is not as essential as the FORMING.
In our romantic culture we are suckers for the part of the story of how two people “find” each other... sense of fate... whether a best friend or romantic love.
Important to realize... our relationships are found within the small sphere of our lives.
7 billion people... so any sense that what is being found is the “one”... is a little misguided.
Any one’s spouse is their soulmate because they found a good compliment and FORMED a relationship.
Anyone’s best friend is not the best because they went through 7 billion...but because found a good connection...and then allowed it to grow.
We never just find a spouse... or a friend... we find a good initial opportunity ...but then the relationships forms over time.
And that process will be different for each of us... because we have different circumstances…. and personalities.
So I want to encourage you... don’t waste time comparing your relational life to others.
This series in about helping each of us grow in connecting with others...both in forming more connections and better connections.
The idea of looking at Jesus might seem a little strange... because we think of Jesus as a spiritual teacher ...which he was. But ..
Jesus bears the nature of God’s love...embodied in human vulnerability... in this wounded world.
We know that Jesus was raised in a very different time and place.
Cities were smaller and the small towns were smaller.
There were no app for meeting people...but there was the local well that women drew water from.... the local learning ... the exchange of trades... at the mini-market.
But don’t miss that he shared in our humanity...
We look at Jesus… What we see is a life of relationships...and when we look we must not look in such a way that we can’t imagine and see the humanity.
The Gospels focus almost exclusively on his years of ministry... emerging as the Messiah...starting at the age of 30.
But here we see the significant formation of relationships.
So lets consider what we can learn about finding and forming relationships... from his model and teaching...and some of the wisdom of the Scriptures that he affirmed.
The Spheres of Relationship Which Jesus Developed
If we look to Jesus... what we discover is a picture of a relational life that can help us identify the different spheres that reflect something of a healthy way in which our lives experience connection.
We all know that there are different levels of connection.
... We have different circles around us that we share life with in different ways.
And the life of Jesus can help us see these. More importantly...it can give us some perspective on how to better understand our own relationship to these spheres.
I want to note that many choose different terms to associate with them... these are those I felt fit best.
And I chose not to use the word “friendship” for any one sphere...because while we often do use the word friendship to speak of those uniquely close... we also can speak of many people as being our friends. Jesus himself was referred to as a “friend of sinners”... because he attended meals with some lives... and he spoke of being friends to many. I suspect the words used to refer to friendships... have long been used with different levels of closeness. And that is really the point of what we discover. We discover a world of broader connections that forms closer and deeper connections.
So let’s quickly identify these. [2]
NOTE: There is a DIAGRAM with multiple versions adding each new sphere
Public (Crowds) – Encounters
The largest circle are the crowds that came into some degree of connection.
We could identify this as the public sphere. At times it may have been quite random... and at times it may have developed into a massive audience with some shared interest in what he was about. The Gospels make reference to the 5000 at one point.
And since it’s the outer circle...we may imagine they mattered less. But any reading of the Gospels makes it so clear that Jesus embraced time amidst the crowds. He showed how much God loved every life.
He invests time in shorter exchanges... short but with impact nonetheless.
What Jesus understood is that sometimes God works through a single moment to forever change the course of a person’s life. Jesus probably didn’t have ongoing relationships (at least not on earth) with the woman at the well, the lepers who were healed, the paralyzed man who was lowered through the roof, or the man who was possessed by a legion of demons. Yet he still stopped to make time for them as he was passing through. Their lives were forever changed because of it. Who knows how many of these people’s family members’ and friends’ lives were impacted because of their single encounter with Jesus.
He loved all people and met the significance of every moment and opportunity…. but he didn’t not allow his personal investment to become random.
He sent people back to spread the influence he had in those encounters.
In the same way... we should value every opportunity in which we relate to those in our day to day life.
What we can assume is that this doesn’t represent any real loyalty. As it’s been noted... Jesus seemed to have a strong understanding of the difference between fans and followers.
They were admirers. Their interest was at what is referred to as a “transactional” level. It’s based on what one might gain or enjoy in connection to one another.
And in that sense...we should recognize that those we have only minimal connection with.... are not very committed to a connection...BUT...they can be. That is... it is that very world of life connections from which we do find and form more significant connection.
It is from here that all other relationships begin.
And from that crowd... we can identify those who began to truly follow him.
Social (70) – Community – Influence
From the large crowds that merely wanted to get something of his life... there were those who wanted to be a part of what he was talking about.
We can refer to this as his social sphere... identified as numbering 70 lives... who become something akin to a community. [2b]
They shared the common cause of Christ. We know this...because he would eventually send them out to go do what he had been showing and training them to do... to announce that God’s kingdom was at hand and to demonstrate it. We know he spent enough time with them to have trust that they
He invests influence... perhaps similar to the way we might invest in a larger communal group... be it a school... workplace... organization... where there is some common commitment that unites us....and which we invest in developing. There had to be some regular time spent to have formed the trust involved.
And of course... the group we think of most in relationship to Jesus...are his 12 disciples.
Private (12) – Partnership – Priority of Life
We could refer to these as what defined his more private sphere ...which does not mean that he only engaged them in private... far from it... but rather that he did entrust a more private commitment of his life to them. They were the core team.
What set this sphere apart was that there was a clear sense of priority.
In rabbinic tradition... if one was accepted as a disciple...they joined into a circle that learned life from the rabbi...not from a few classroom sessions...but from a life on life experience.
That is the commitment that Jesus made... and the commitment he lived out completely.
There is a very clear choice to give priority of his time to them.
Was this an entirely closed sphere? Not entirely... as we begin to factor in how much he spent time and included a few others... the family of Mary and Martha... others...not full-time travelers
They were partners. They were in it together. He knew what would come against him... would come against them... and he warned them.
He knew that what they were about would have to expand...and he sent them as partners in it.
They shared the same travel... the same cold nights... the same public reaction. They were partners in life....comrades in arms.
Ex - I think of ... sister Patti
And within those partners... life will naturally seek an even more intimate support.
Intimate (3) – Companionship – Understanding & Trust
Jesus lived a very open life to all of his disciples... imagine 3 years as a group who lived ...traveled... worked together. Yet there are some very sensitive points in life that are not best served by a group process... but rather a close friend or two or three close friends. There are some we will develop a greater trust to understand... to process... to handle... to support.
This is the circle of intimacy... where our deepest trust is extended and given.
And so we see that in a few occasions... Jesus chose the same three lives among his partners... to be with him...including the final night in which he would be seized and soon crucified. Peter, James, and John were his closest friends...his companions. And when he was crucified... he would call one, John, to be entrusted with caring for his mother. That reflects the depth of trust that he chose.
As we look at these circles of relationship which Jesus developed...
I hope it helps you to consider that there are some helpful distinctions.
We don’t just have relationships... or friendships. Our lives are surrounded by a crowd... from which we will develop a community. We hope to find some partners in life... who develop bonds of support... and we ideally hope for developing the closest of companions...who we can trust with the most sensitive elements that arise in life.
It helps us to see that...
Each of these circles of connection generally assume different expectations... different levels of time and energy we give to them.
We can also see something about our relational capacity.
The size of these circles represents the most natural capacity of each level of connection...that a human life can have.
Some of us may have a larger size in one of these circles...but it will strain the nature of that circle. It’s rather fascinating that our modern field of sociology... the study of our social nature... would identify these same very numbers in the ranges they would give,
But I would tend to believe that most of us have far smaller circles. Most of us have known some elements of this... some qualities... but we may have sensed they’ve receded a bit. Maybe it’s been a longstanding challenge. Maybe it’s come with the loss of friends we once had...and the moves that we didn’t see coming. Maybe there are new lives we can connect to...and we want those connections to be more real...and meaningful.
So along with seeing this view of what Jesus formed...let’s consider what we can learn about HOW to form relationships.
Let’s briefly identify what we can learn from Jesus about forming such relationships... knowing that as we do... some in the crowd...and community...may become partners and companions.
How do we find and form friendships?
What can we learn?
1. Embrace dependency.
The first thing that we can learn from Jesus...is to embrace dependency. That may seem strange at first...because when we think of Jesus...we may think of one who needed no one...who transcended all natural desires to be loved. But if we look ...we some something quite different.
In Christ... God left all of the sovereignty that ruled heaven to show his love...and he was joined into human nature with all the same natural human needs we have. [3]
It began with being conceived within the vulnerability of a teenage girl.
We do well to ponder that. Jesus’ first friend...was his mother...and no doubt his father Joseph as well. His human existence depended on them. And Joseph appears to have died at a relatively young age... somewhere after Jesus has likely turned 13... and deemed a young man in Jewish culture... and his ministry which began at the age of 30. So we can imagine several years of dependence on this woman and he grew.
When Jesus takes on the world... and the cosmic claim over it... he doesn’t emerge like the mysterious Clint Eastwood gunslinger... who rides into town... saves the day...and then rides back to his loner life. He comes to earth rooted in his human dependency... where all formation of relationships begins.
When God came to show divine love amidst a wounded world... he didn’t avoid such dependency... he embraced it as part of what love involves. We can see this as...
He sought the joys of friendship... companions to travel with... share meals with... share life wth.
When faced with sorrow... and fear.... he sought the comfort of his riends.
He dared to rely on others... and some of his most painful times...was the failure of those lives.
He depended on the provisions and companionship of others
I believe that embracing the care and provision of others was actually a part of his love for others.
Jesus could embrace dependency because, when based on healthy needs, it was never understood as a weakness... or a flaw... but as something beautiful.
Some of us need to take that in. We may think that some type of super independence is the imagine of strength. We may accept that we may need others in some unfortunate ways... but in fact... it’s a beautiful part of the bonds.
I suppose we fear the need... because we fear rejection... fragileness... but we do well to look at the infancy of Jesus that God has no fear telling us about...and see that infant completely dependent on a teenage girl...and guy. We need to look at the significance of friendships he found strength in.
Maybe that is where we start... by embracing our dependency not as a weakness...but as what it means to be human.
I recall many years ago having an opportunity to meet with George Cayhill who was the director the Union Rescue Mission downtown....and in discussing the underlying challenge of our society...and he said:
"Our love of privacy has made us the loneliest people on earth." - George Caywood, Union Rescue Mission
2. Bless the best in others.
If you’ve read the Gospels... you’ve heard how Jesus spoke into the lives of those who came to him... seeing more than they could see about their potential. When he called his disciples... he spoke of their potential.
He was not an optimist. He also spoke the strongest of challenges. He blessed the strengths and potential that was truly there.
We’ll focus on how Jesus saw people next week...because it is foundational to how we love and relate to others....but it’s important to catch that he came to bless... not to judge.
If we want to form connections with others...we should dare to ask ourselves...why should others form connections with us. Do we appreciate and build them up... or tear them down? [4]
3. Don’t look for the “successful,” but rather the personally responsive.
There is probably nothing more fascinating in all of human history... that who Jesus chose to commitment the redemption of the world to.
We know that he prayed all night before he called them... however we can note that it doesn’t say before he CHOSE them.. as if he prayed to receive a list...he may have been praying over the process not simply the selection. He may have developed his choices over time...having watched their lives.
What is most striking...is that Jesus could have sought those who were more educated... more popular... more powerful.
> He chose what were ordinary lives by any common social standards.
He didn’t seem to care at all about how others saw them. He didn’t even seem to share the same eyes.
We do well to share his eyes.
What we will find... is that the relationships that may serve our deeper calling… may be those which serve no social benefit.
There are two ways we might think of getting something from a relationships. One is the external social benefit of being in relationship with them... maybe it connects us to a new social status... or to fame... or to power. That which is merely a social transaction... will mean nothing in a very short time. The relationships that allow us to grow as persons... are those in which there is a more meaningful common ground...and a mutual desire to explore that ground.
By every common way this world would look at Jesus... we can only see that he chose a bunch of misfits. But I am reminded, by this gigantic fact.. “never have so few changed the world so much.”
4. Maintain alignment with Your God-given purpose and calling.
If we look at the nature of each of these circles of relationship...we can see that Jesus’s life maintained a central purpose and calling... and it was reflected in his unchanging purpose.
He could relate to the crowds because he loved them... he was called a “friend of sinners”....because he really did care... and really did share meals....but he did so as one centered in his purpose and calling.
And each circle of increasing commitment... was more defined by that purpose.
I believe that we can certainly have some circles in our life that include other basic forms of common ground.
We could even see how Jesus’s mother and brothers were not initially comfortable with what Jesus was claiming and teaching... yet they were often around even before they believed. The common ground of family was significant. And we may have people in our circles who don’t share a commitment to God’s calling.
I believe that can be healthy.
But if you want to grow in what life in the kingdom of Jesus means… we need those who can cultivate that calling with us.
We may be dual citizens… but if you only do life with those of your secondary country… the primary identity will fade.
In particular... some of us may need to guard the level of influence some have. We may need to guard the circle of influence.
When I reflect on my relationships with those who don’t yet believe... I know that in some cases... I am a better person for those relationships. There are qualities that have added to my life in a God honoring way. At the same time... I know that I need those in these circles who share the calling and grace of Christ.
This is an essential aspect of what is distinct about friendship. Friendships form on their connection to something significant.
Ralph Waldo Emerson says something like this: “Friendship does not ask, ‘Do you love me?’ so much as, ‘Do you see the same truth?’ Are you passionate about the same thing?”
C.S. Lewis puts it like this. The typical expression of opening friendship would be something like, “What? You too? I thought that no one but myself …” That’s the beginning of a friendship. “You too? I thought I was the only one.”
What makes a friend is not, “Oh, do you want to be my friend?” but, “You too? You think that’s important too? You love that too?” That creates a friend.
Lewis goes on to express that those “those people who simply ‘want friends’ can never make any. The very condition of having friends is that we should want something else besides friends.
If I only want a friend,’ no friendship can arise … because there would be nothing for the friendship to be about. As he says...
“Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers.” - C. S. Lewis [5]
5. Be intentional about your commitments of time.
As we look at those circles...we can sense that Jesus had a clear sense of priorities. If we look at his life... each day seemed to unfold as it went. We don’t have much sense of a schedule. But as I stand back... I begin to see that he had made very clear choices that he built into his life.
He was called to impact crowds... developed a community that must have involved some consistency... and made the most striking commitment to twelve... which he never changed.
And then he navigated his time in a very natural but intentional way. So that he was committed to the crowds... and the community....but always with his core team....and when his core team needed closer time...he took time away with them. And in the few more deeply personal moments ... he invited the three.
The point is that he actually shaped his time to naturally allow these circles.
So let me ask you to take a look...and consider what aspect may seem most out of proportion in your life.
Some may recognize that they have not felt connected to people... and need to face that fact that you are choosing not to connect on almost any level.
Perhaps it’s become more intimidating... more comfortable to be alone. Your slowly losing your social vitality and need a little CPR.
Some may find they have a one close friend... or a few...but no group of larger partners.
Go to a group... try to give it a few weeks...if not good fit... try another... like a restaurant you don’t find best... be glad that it was better to get a meal... even if not your favorite...and not to stop eating.
6. Care enough to contend.
This is among the most dynamic and valuable qualities to see in how Jesus engaged others...and we ill look at that in a couple weeks..
7. Expect disappointment ...as part of the process.
It’s fascinating to consider how Jesus related to being disappointed.
We tend to think of Judas... as the one among one of the 12 disciples who betrayed Jesus. But if we take a step back... they all betrayed Jesus in ways. Peter ... right after claiming to be loyal to the death...denied even knowing him...and all of them disappointed him along the way.
What we see...is that Jesus was prepared for being disappointed.
He knew how little they really understood at first.
He knew Peter’s claim to loyalty was mixed with a pride that would bely him.
He would call Peter out... and provide an opportunity to restore the relationship.
As we read in the Biblical proverbs [6]...
Whoever forgives an offense seeks love, but whoever keeps bringing up the issue separates the closest of friends. - Proverbs 17:9 (GW) ?
The truth is that all failed him… Judas was simply the one whose failure was not restored in his earthly life. But Jesus was faithful to all… offered the cup to Judas even then.
Maybe that’s a good point to send us out with.
Why?
Because the world is full of people we can begin connecting with...but the greatest freedom to engage people... comes with letting go of the need for everyone to respond in kind... or even to like us.
I am most kind to others....when I don’t need everyone to be kind or caring.
CLOSING:
And we can find that freedom not by simply dimissing our need for other people...but but embracing that there is one who already knows us... and loves us.
Jesus is the source of all friendship...He bears eternal and unending love...
John 15 – says if you join in me... follow me... I call you friend. [7]
Never leave you or forsake you.
Resources:
I shaped this series based on my own ideas about what are the most identifiable and impactful principles and patterns we can identify in the way that Jesus loved. I am indebted to Les Parrott for the way he presented that premise itself, from Ephesians 5:1-2, in his book Love Like That. This week’s topic on developing an inner life has no parallel with those principles that Les identified.
Further Reading
Some further explorations into looking at Jesus and friendships.
The Friendships of Jesus - J. R. Miller, 1897 https://gracegems.org/Miller/friendships_of_jesus.htm
Notes:
1.Marla Paul’s The Friendship Crisis (2005)
2. After reviewing other ways of referring to these circles in Christ’s life, I chose these terms and used a diagram that captured them when sharing this message.
2b. Note: some manuscripts have the number at 72...so one may see either 70 or 72.
3. As J. R. Miller wrote,
What could he find in this world of imperfect, sinful beings—to meet the cravings of his heart for fellowship? Whom could he find among earth's sinful creatures worthy of his friendship, or capable of being in any real sense his personal friend?
Yet the Gospels abound with evidences that Jesus did crave human love, that he found sweet comfort in the friendships which he made, and that much of his keenest suffering was caused by failures in the love of those who ought to have been true to him as his friends. He craved affection, and even among the weak and faulty men and women about him, made many very sacred attachments from which he drew strength and comfort.
Jesus gave all his rich and blessed life—to the service of love. Power was ever going out from him—to heal, to comfort, to cheer, to save. He was continually emptying out from the full fountain of his own heart, cupfuls of rich life to reinvigorate other lives in their faintness and exhaustion. One of the sources of his own renewing and replenishing, was in the friendships he had among men and women. What friends are to us in our human hunger and need—the friends of Jesus were to him.” - The Friendships of Jesus - J. R. Miller, 1897 - here
4. Consider also...
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
5. C. S. Lewis (1971). “The Four Loves”, p.79, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Lewis’ idea is referred to by many, including Tim Keller (The Forging of Friendship) and Sacred Companions: The Gift of Spiritual Friendship Direction, By David G. Benner
6.Also
Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
7. Tim Keller says,
In John 15, he says to the disciples, “Tonight I no longer call you servants. A servant does not know his master’s business.” See? Letting in. “But tonight I call you friends. Now love one another as I love you. I am laying down my life for my friends.” When Jesus Christ said that, suddenly the whole history of the world can be understood in terms of friendship. God was a friendship. The Christian God, the biblical God, is a friendship: Father, Son, Holy Spirit knowing and loving one another.
Therefore, he made us in his image, meaning we need friendship. You know, back in Genesis 3 when it talks about how God came walking in the cool of the garden to talk to Adam and Eve? Walking with someone is the Hebrew metaphor for friendship. To walk with someone, to walk together through life, is a metaphor for friendship. What that means is God made us for friendship, made us for friendship with him, made us for friendship with one another.
But we turned from him. You know, when you betray a friend, what happens? Usually the friend turns on you. This is what Jesus Christ is telling us he did. He says, “I am the ultimate friend. I am the ultimate friend who loves at all times. I am the one born for adversity. I am the ultimate friend who is going to cleave to you at infinite cost to myself so you will not be ruined. Here’s how. I am the ultimate friend whose wounds are the wounds of love, because instead of inflicting them, I’m going to take them.”
The Bible says blessed are the wounds of a friend. How much more blessed are they when they are not inflicted but received? Because Jesus Christ, on the cross, lost his friendship with God so we could have friendship with God. Jesus Christ, on the cross, experienced what we should have experienced so he could basically say … He was the perfect friend. He let you in. How much more emotional connection do you want?
Look at his arms nailed open for you. How much more open do you want him to be? There’s the ultimate friend. He lets you in. Also, he never lets you down. Because in the garden of Gethsemane, as he saw his best friends falling asleep on him, denying him, betraying him, the Father comes and says, “You are going to have to go to hell, or you’re going to lose your friends.” Jesus said, “I’ll go to hell.”
There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother so we’re not ruined. There is a friend who goes to hell so we’re not ruined. If you know that, that liberates you to be the friend you need to be. If I know Jesus Christ has let me all the way in, he trusts me, and he loves me no matter what, then I can move out not being afraid of rejection. – From: Tim Keller, Friendship, Proverbs: True Wisdom for Living—May 29, 2005.
