Embracing the “Me” that is Essential to “We”
Series: Building Better RELATIONSHIPS
September 19, 2021
Summary: This is the second message in a series on building better relationships...and learning to love like Jesus. (Eph. 5:1-2) It focuses on learning to follow Jesus in being rooted in love in order to love others. Jesus said...“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.” (John 15:9)
If we are to love like Jesus... we will begin by valuing the love that exists in God.
INTRO
So good to see each of you... and to welcome those connected online.
Today we are diving into our Fall focus and series on Building Better relationships.
As I introduced last week, this series is about developing real connections... developing better relationships... better relationships with our family... with our friends... with those we may just begin to engage... and with those we’ve known for a long time.
I would expect that there’s a range of relational life among us.
Some may feel their relationships have become more limited... perhaps in how many people they really connect with...or how connected they are. And you want to break new ground.
Others who may sense that have some significant and satisfying relationships...but you want those connections to deepen rather than decline.
And that is what this series is about.
Jesus said... all of life is ultimately about how we have done two things... loving God and learning to love others.
That is the purpose of our life. If you miss this, you have missed the purpose of your life.
As I shared last week... when our lives come to their final earthy moments... everything else will fade away. No one finds a desire to have someone bring their diplomas... their trophies... or their bank statement. What we want... what matters... is peace with God... and the presence of family and friends we have loved.
Because ...
Life is not about accomplishments. It is about relationships.
We want to know that we have loved well. And if we realize that this is our life... right now... it’s not just a dress rehearsal... then we may realize that we should value growing in loving others... and building better relationships.
And the good news is that... we CAN grow in building better relationships....in loving others...
As we heard last week... the Apostle Paul in the biblical Book of Ephesians provides a life long calling when he writes...
Ephesians 5:1-2 (NLT) ?Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.
We can learn from Jesus.
There is no other source that can guide us more than Jesus... than the one who embodied God in this world.
He compares this to the way in which children learn from watching their parents. Every parent knows how real that process is. It happens over time. Parents provide patterns in our lives... and the more we watch them.... we learn from them...for better or worse....and we begin to operate out of them.
If we want to join the patterns of divine love amidst a wounded world... watch Jesus... and learn to love like Jesus.
So over the next five weeks we are going to do just this... we are going to look at five of the most defining ways in which Jesus loved others....and learn how to make them a guide for our lives of living and loving well.
And it’s helpful to recognize that this is about patterns... patterns that we develop over time.
We all like quick fixes. We all might like the idea of “five simple truths that someone can name”,,, that will automatically enable us to love others well... five simple truths for which the mere written statement will change your life.
But this is a call to develop new patterns... patterns that develop over time.
And I hope you encouragement in that...because too often the simplistic idea of a few quick magical insights leaves us disappointed.
What I am confident in...is that these are five of the most significant patterns in the life of Jesus ...that can serve and shape our lives. These are five patterns worth keeping before us for the rest of our lives.... five patterns that I plan to post over my desk.
And we begin with what Jesus described to his disciples...
Jesus said...“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.” (John 15:9)
What is he saying? “As I live in the love of the Father... I now love you.”
From the love I live in... I am able to love you.
Love begets love.
Jesus is saying: I am here to bring what exists in God... which is love.
The Bible tells us that “God IS love.”
We not talking about love as simply a feeling...but rather,
Love is the power that gives oneself to the good on another.
If we are to love like Jesus we won’t simply try to find ourselves in another person...but rather we will seek the inner source from which we can give to others.
If we are to love like Jesus... we will begin by valuing the love that exists in God.
The very first pattern that we learn from Jesus could be described as:
Embracing the “Me” that is Essential to “We”
That may sound a little strange... it may sound like a call to become focused on ourselves.
The point is not at all about being focused on ourselves...but embracing that we are selves.
Jesus confirmed the call to... 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
There is no assumption that you will love your neighbor apart from yourself.
The “as yourself” part might seem a little different than how we often think about loving people...because sometimes we speak of how we need to be “selfless.”
But ... what we quickly can realize...is that if we are not rooted in love... we will not have the power that is truly able to give to another.
Apart from knowing that we are loved... engaging one another is going to be like ...
• Two bankrupt businessmen trying to take a loan out from one another....
• Two ticks and no dog.
The real truth we sometimes want to avoid is that...if we only bring our needs... we simply use people.
The very nature of relationships...is relating...and relating is what comes from two entities.
If we don’t embrace the value of our own selves... the nature of giving to another can become limited.... the connection loses its distinction.
The terms many use today is that of “boundaries” ... which simply means a good sense of recognizing that each person has their own thoughts, feelings, and desires. [1]
When we don’t embrace our own self... and don’t claim God’s love for us... we can tend to relate in one of a couple ways.
• We may just disregard our own thoughts, feelings, and desires... to find a connection with someone else...but it’s really a misuse of one another.
• Or when we don’t feel secure about our own value...we may feel threatened by the very nature of others not being aligned with us... we may fear of separation... fear being alone...and therefore try to control them to comply with our thoughts... and feelings...and desires.
The truth is that ...
• If we reject ourselves we will bring that spirit of rejection to others.
• Those most critical of others are those who are ultimately unable to accept their own faults.
• As many have noted...Wounded people wound people.
If we live in a world in which we are all more insecure than we know what to do with... we are often ungracious with our faults... and critical as a result.... And struggle to relate freely because of some past wounds and fear... how can we love others well.
The answer lies in the affirmation that comes from that source outside this world.
“We love Him because He first loved us” - 1 John 4:19
The more we are rooted in God’s love...the more we can extend such love.
And this means we must confront the false identities ...that seek to control us.
This pattern is highlighted at the start of Jesus ministry. [2]
Luke 3:21-23
“... as he was praying, heaven was opened and the Holy Spirit descended on him in bodily form like a dove. And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” Now Jesus himself was about thirty years old when he began his ministry.
Here we hear of the blessing that the Father spoke over Jesus...and into Jesus... “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” and the Spirit's presence is manifest. It is that beautiful picture of the Trinity...of the relationship of Father Son and Spirit.
> The eternal ruler has entered humanity… and that identity is declared.
It is out of this love that Jesus began his ministry.... out of this love that Jesus would love the world.
This blessing is it definitive claim upon his life. It declares who is truly is.
And it is that blessing...that love...that Jesus is seeking for us to know.
Only he is the eternal divine son…but our humanity itself bears the image of God in the created world….and that is why he is coming to make that blessing possible for all to live in again.
It is the blessing that we all long to know... that we are the loved child of a proud father. That is the deep affirmation of our being we long for.
This is not to say that there isn’t a degree of love in every heart. Many who have not been engaging a relationship with God may be more loving than some who do... because we all bear the traces of God’s image... and the echoes of His love.... but we have lost our defining identity. Jesus comes to restore that relationship... to allow that love to be reconnected to the source.
We might think this moment had solidified everything that prepared Jesus to go forth...but
Luke continues…
Luke 4:1-2
Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, left the Jordan and was led by the Spirit into the wilderness, 2 where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry.
He is immediately led into the wilderness...where he spent 40 days fasting and praying... and where he would experience the enemy tempting him.
Let be sure we catch this...
Who led him? The devil? No...the Holy Spirit.
This was not a trap... it was a trial.
This was intentional.... part of what was preparing Jesus to go and love the world. [3]
There is a conflict that must be confronted… and a determination that must be forged.
And this involves going alone... not spiritually alone...but apart from every other human life who knows him.
A state of being hungry... weak...and alone.
It is in such a space …and such a state…that the deepest determination is developed.
A testing of sorts...the kind that deepens one’s inner strength.
Many have noted that when we are resting in the shade ....surrounded by friends...and our stomachs are full ... we feel blessed....but when we are left along...in hunger and heat... we face our true selves... what is really in us.
And what would he face?
Being worn down and being presented with alternatives... the temptation to accept a different source of provision... a different claim on his life.
We won’t go through each of three temptations them...but as many may recall... the enemy comes three times with offers to give him positions of this world’s provisions... and power... if he would just obey his directives. The essence of these temptations is to bring Jesus under the power of the prince of this world by enticing him to sell his true identity ...for this the power of this world.
Why?
Because if Jesus is able to keep hold of who he truly is... he will become the ultimate danger to the one who rules over the souls of this world.
The essential point today is this: This time in the wilderness... alone... was essential to taking a deep hold of his identity. It was the place in which he faced the temptations to merely give himself to power and popularity.
It was this time alone that prepared him to fulfill his ministry. What was his ministry? To love the world ... to bear the love of God for the whole world ...in order to bring lives back into relationship with God. This would culminate in his bearing our punishment.
It was in the wilderness that Jesus became dangerous… with the capacity to love.
Not to simply become what the whims and wishes of others would try to bring as a force… not a people pleasing niceness… but a true capacity to love.
This is such a dramatic process that we might not see how much it speaks to any regular pattern for life.
We might assume that it was simply a cosmic test that was fulfilled and over with. We might assume that Jesus would avoid such a process.
But we read just shortly thereafter...
At daybreak, Jesus went out to a solitary place, and the crowds were looking for Him. They came to Him and tried to keep Him from leaving. - Luke 4:42
What those 40 days may have started in a particularly dramatic way...Jesus continued as a pattern for life. The more dramatic process of being alone for many days became a regular pattern of spending mornings alone.
We read of this over and over. [4] And in fact Luke records...
Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer. - Luke 5:16 (GW)
Jesus was engaging a world of lives who had no bearings... like sheep without a shepherd.
It was out of the eternal voice that declared his true identity ... that he could declare the true identity of the lives he would engage.
It was out of the eternal blessing ...that he could bless.
It was out of eternal love ...that he could love.
And that is true for us.
So how do we follow this pattern of Jesus... in being loved to love?
We bring our genuine presence... before the presence of God ... to allow God’s love to reclaim us from the false identities of this world.... recenter us from mere whims and wishes around us...and fill us with the source of original affirmation that can be shared with others.
I want to help flesh this out in a very brief way.
Forming a healthy “me” that can serve a healthy “we” involves...
Our genuine presence...
Bringing our genuine presence... refers to daring to be real...
Jesus went into the wilderness... he was hot and hungry. There was no carpenter shop where he could feel attached to what he had made. No crowds to cover him with praise.
This calls us to stop and face something really important...
This is not just about spending time alone. The truth is that we can spend time alone... that does nothing to become more centered and secure in God.
Perhaps in past times one would more likely be alone with themselves... with little to hide themselves from God’s presence. But today... I can crank the music to fill any space I am in... I can spend the whole night binge watching until I fall asleep....I can get online and venture into a million holes of thought.
Here’s the truth...
The time we spend alone... can be more about distraction than development.
There’s reasons we want to avoid being genuinely present before God... we may want to avoid the facing our own inner conflict... we may just want to turn on something that will more easily engage us. I get it...I reach that point where I just want to veg out....but we all know that when we “veg out” ... afterwards er just feel more like a vegetable.
So if we want to grow stronger within ourselves... we need to simply decide to choose space away from our outward distractions and avoidance.
To bring our genuine presence is to come in all our unsettledness and uncertainty.
It means learning to present not with who we want to be...but who we are. It means learning to be present not with the life we want... but the life we have. This is where God meets us.
And there we can be met in love...and grace.
God cannot meet us in those other places because they don’t exist.
As the late Brennan Manning wrote,
“Silent solitude makes true speech possible and personal. If I am not in touch with my own belovedness, then I cannot touch the sacredness of others. If I am estranged from myself, I am likewise a stranger to others.” [5]?“When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games.
To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means. - Brennan Manning [6]
God’s Presence
It’s important to understand that we recognize that the truly “healthy me” is not simply hoping for some means to gain “self-esteem.”
There are lots of God-given ways to feel more general well-being – exercise.... eating well ...sleeping well... being engaged with positive goals and positive people. All of those make a HUGE difference is a general sense of well being ...but none of the tell us who we are and provide a love from which we can love.
All of those can become shallow versions of our identity unless there is something that transcends them. All of those can prove fleeting and fragile... in need of that which is enduring.
When we bring our genuine presence... our real selves before Gods presence... we are met with grace... that allows us to love.
Reclaiming our true identity
Our false self simply refers to all the ways we try to find security and significance... in the symbols that cannot satisfy.
• Like Adam covering himself with fig leaves... we each try to hide... covering ourselves with attachments... and achievement... or at least the ability to imagine them.
• It’s been said...if we want to know where we tend to hide... just think of where your mind goes when you are bored.
Our false selves are woven with lies... lies by an enemy that has ruled the world by shaping our identities to believe what is not true.
The one who knew that Christ was hungry... offered bread on his terms... and he does so to us.
They are subtle... each a way of denying we are loved by God.
They come from the one who is depicted as a serpent whispering to Adam...Did God say... well I tell you.
And that voice has been shaping us ever since.
It is in the wilderness.... that these will come to the forefront....that we will face the conflict.
Examples:
• You need to do more
• You’re need someone else to save you.
• No one could really love you
• You’re such an imposter... your whole life is just about hiding... so you better just keep hiding...there’s no grace to for the real you.
• You’re only valuable when you do well....so you have to keep proving that you are worth loving by performing better.
As the lies arise...realize that they are the lies that have sought to control our entire way of living... they become an opportunity to confront them.
So don’t just ignore them...identify them. They may be help us identify what the controlling narratives have been at work... lies...that we can further confront with the help of friends or counseling.
Let me close with what may be helpful to realize about such time alone...
Don’t be surprised by how hard it can be to sit in the space of being genuinely present with God.
We should not be surprised by the deeper conflict that arises when we even come close to such spiritual solitude.
Don’t be surprised by distractions arise around us...and crazy and conflicted thoughts arise within us. And that is all part of the conflicts we need to face. And...
It may seem like we’re not accomplishing anything... any it makes us feel uncomfortable.
Because we think that what the world needs most is more of our effort... but God knows it needs more of His heart in us.
Some may recall when Israel wandered through the desert for 40 years. God knew that where the people of Israel were going was not nearly as important as who they were becoming. His first concern was not how fast his people would arrive at the Promised Land. His deepest concern was that they would be the right kind of people when they got there.
As Jesus promised ... when he said essential...“Abide in me as I abide in the Father and you too will bear much fruit” (my paraphrase from John 15:1-17). [7] Our lives will be fruitful.
We may have extended times... but the most important step is that of developing a pattern in this process. So I want to offer the simplest prayer.
“God, I belong to you.
May your will become my will.
May your love become my love.”
Let’s PRAY
Resources:
I shaped this series based on my own ideas about what are the most identifiable and impactful principles and patterns we can identify in the way that Jesus loved. I am indebted to Les Parrott for the way he presented that premise itself, from Ephesians 5:1-2, in his book Love Like That. This week’s topic on developing an inner life has no parallel with those principles that Les identified.
Notes:
1. It is important to understand than a healthy way of viewing such inter-personal “boundaries”... is that being rooted in God’s identity... means we will naturally guard claims on us that violate God’s goodness.... NOT that we make selfish demands based merely on our personal preferences. (You can watch a movie that’s not your preference...and have fine boundaries). It’s more about being rooted and centered... rather than strong and dominant.
2. Luke 4:1-15; Matthew 4:1-11. Mark's account is very brief, merely noting the event. Matthew and Luke describe the temptations by recounting the details of the conversations between Jesus and Satan.
3. And this speaks to misguided assumption.
You can be in the center of God's will, you can be doing exactly what God would have you to do and right there you can encounter your greatest trials, your deepest sorrows, your most challenging times. Jesus is doing exactly what the Father would have Him do. He's led by the Holy Spirit, and it's precisely there that He encounters this great temptation.
So don’t be surprised if high times are followed by hard times.
4. Similarly we read of Jesus taking time alone in prayer in other passages...
Matthew 14:13
When Jesus heard about John, He withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. But the crowds found out about it and followed Him on foot from the towns.
Mark 1:35-37?Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. Simon and his companions went to look for him, and when they found him, they exclaimed: "Everyone is looking for you!"
Matthew 14:23
After He had sent them away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray. When evening came, He was there alone,
Luke 4:42
At daybreak, Jesus went out to a solitary place, and the crowds were looking for Him. They came to Him and tried to keep Him from leaving.
5. Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging
6. Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out
One may also appreciate these thoughts from Manning...
“Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self. Judas could not face his shadow; Peter could. The latter befriended the impostor within; the former raged against him.”?? Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging
“As we come to grips with our own selfishness and stupidity, we make friends with the impostor and accept that we are impoverished and broken and realize that, if we were not, we would be God. The art of gentleness toward ourselves leads to being gentle with others -- and is a natural prerequisite for our presence to God in prayer.”?? Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging
7. John 15:1-4 (GW) ?Jesus said, “I am the true vine... Live in me, and I will live in you. A branch cannot produce any fruit by itself. It has to stay attached to the vine. In the same way, you cannot produce fruit unless you live in me.
