Its Not Good to Be Alone
Series: Building Better RELATIONSHIPS
September 12, 2021
Summary: This is a message that leads into series on building better relationships. Identify that our design if for relationship...and the need to grow in relationship building...and the model that Jesus provides....which calls us to “love like that.” (Eph. 5:1-2)
INTRO
My added warm welcome to you today. It’s a privilege to have this time with you.
This is one of my favorite times of the year... soon the warmth of summer will transition into the freshness of Fall. And in that Fall freshness...we are launching a new Fall focus on Building Better Relationships.
This series is an opportunity to do just that....to discover and develop the qualities that lead to better relationships...and a more connected life.
After 18 months of being more socially restricted...we need to counter what I sense is a “pandemic reclusion” many of us may be settling into. Many of us may have found that we have had an inner relational reset. As the past 18 months went along... ... we may have enjoyed some qualities of a smaller circle.... we may have grown more comfortable with the less demanding nature of limited public engagement. Something inside us may not feel up for returning to the full intensity of the way things were.
There is something that can be healthy in resetting our relational nature.
But I believe that we do well not to simply retreat into a reclusion that will leave us more isolated. I believe this is an opportunity to build back a higher quality of connection.
In a world in which we speak of being “connected” in more technical ways... it’s important to consider the more personal nature of connection.
The truth is that as a culture... building healthy relationships has not been easy.
Chicago Tribune columnist Marla Paul confessed in print a few years ago:
“I am lonely. “This loneliness saddens me,” she wrote. “How did it happen I could be forty-two years old and not have enough friends?” She wondered if perhaps “there are women out there who don’t know how lonely they are. It’s easy enough to fill up the day with work…[but it’s] not enough.”
She subsequently wrote about the unexpected nerve this column struck. People stopped her at work, while shopping, at her daughter’s school... saying things like “You too? I thought I was the only one.” Letters came in from homemakers and CEOs. This column elicited seven times her usual amount of mail, and the letters all had the same theme: Why do I feel so lonely? Why is it so hard to make good friends? [1]
If loneliness is common for women, it may be even greater among men... who feel that it too hard to speak of.
Loneliness has such a sting, in fact, that people will admit to being lonely in anonymous polls, but when asked to give their names they will say they are independent and self-sufficient.
As Mother Teresa said, Loneliness is the leprosy of modern society. And no one wants anybody to know they’re a leper. [2]
Loneliness is something we can all face at different levels...and for different reasons. There can be circumstances that separate us from those who have known and loved us. There can be positions of responsibility or convictions that are not easy to share with others. There can be fear and self-protection we allow to isolate us. And perhaps most notably... it can simply be challenging to find and form connections. [3]
Maybe you’ve found that friendships can be hard to form amidst our urban lifestyles. You’re not alone in the challenge.
Maybe you’ve found it hard to maintain connection amidst our increasing mobility and changes. A friend moves... or you move... and those who had gotten to know you...are now far away.
Maybe you’re a single adult who has found it hard not to come home to anyone...and you don’t feel the companionship you long for. Maybe you are a married adult who has found that as you try to make your family a focus... you have found there are aspects of your life in which you feel alone.
Maybe you have come to face the strange way that social media and smartphones...have created a type of connection that is limited. They can serve as a means of making new connections... or keeping up some connections.... but some of us may do well to be face the reality that technology and social media are not providing the real human connection we need. They tend to create a connection that is more safe than satisfying.
The truth is that many of us have more contacts than real connections.
The truth is that we as a culture have been feeling more alone.
Even before the pandemic struck and took over the headlines... public health leaders were already speaking about an epidemic of loneliness.
At the start of 2018... Britain appointed its first “minister for loneliness,” who is charged with tackling what Prime Minister Theresa May called the “sad reality of modern life.” [4]
And the former United States surgeon general, Vivek Murthy, raised the same concern about the quiet epidemic of loneliness.
He wrote:
"The fundamental thing is this: We have for years thought about ourselves as an individualistic society that champions individual achievement but what the data around loneliness tells us more and more is we're truly interdependent creatures and ultimately we need each other." - Vivek Murthy, Former U.S. Surgeon General [5]
Those words echo what God declared so long ago.
In the Biblical story of Creation, we hear a declaration that we do well to hear...and hear deeply.
it says...: “Its Not Good to Be Alone.”
In the opening chapters of the Bible...in the Book of Genesis...we get these two descriptions of creation.
In chapter one....we hear of how God created everything.... in stages...and it concludes...
Genesis 1:26-27?Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. ?
Then in chapter 2... we hear...
Genesis 2:18?The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
“It is not good for the man to be alone.”
It’s not speaking about just spending some good time alone... which is something we can all value.
Having some time alone can sound good. We are often surrounded by so much that we need to restore our inner life. (And introverts are free to say “amen.”)
It’s not speaking to how many people are around us...because we all know that we can feel alone in a crowd.
And it’s not just speaking about the marriage relationship. Because the next statement is: ”I will make a helper suitable for him” speaking of the creation of the woman. .. this is often heard as speaking only of a marital partnership. It’s certainly an affirmation of the complementary relationship of male and female... and so it’s fitting to think of that unique partnering.
But if we step back, we discover it speaks of something more than an individual partner. They were now co-creators of life... and by way of extension... this provision is a means to the whole nature of being relational beings. The man would no longer be an isolated individual... because humanity could bear life and share life. Human life is no longer alone... no longer an isolated individual ..,and is now a fundamentally relational being.
This sense of completing something that is essential... becomes even more clear when we recognize that there is something very unique about what God says about creating human life.
In every stage of creating... it always says, “He created.” And it was good.
But when it comes to humanity, and only when it comes to humanity, the pronoun changes.
Only when God comes to create humanity does he refer to his own pluralness. Only when God creates us does he refer to himself in the plural. That’s why we see, “Then God said, ‘Let US make man in our image, in OUR likeness …’ ”
Something is distinct here.... God creates us to share his image....and when he does... only .... when God created us ...is the triune nature of God...which be become known as Father, Son, and Spirit.... is brought out.
What we discover is something profound... in God we discover different persons in a dynamic bond of belonging... that is everlasting.
Think of that.
From all of eternity God has been a community of persons delighting in each other, loving each other, and communicating with each other.
The Trinity means personal relationship is primary. It’s at the core of our very existence.
This relational nature is not a means to an end. It is at the core of life itself. [6]
As Tim Keller describes
What are they saying when they say, “Let us make this set of beings in our own image”? They are saying, “Let’s make these beings able to give what we’re giving each other. Let’s make these beings able to love and be loved, know and be known, praise and be praised, enjoy and be enjoyed. – Tim Keller
Let’s make these beings share this unique nature of being distinct yet inter-connected.
That’s why God says it’s not good that man is alone.
What should be clear...is that the problem is not that of a mistake... but rather that something isn’t complete. The problem is that something is missing. And it’s our relational nature.
We are made in the image of someone who is not just a me, but an us.
Therefore, you and I cannot experience our truest humanity in isolation... if we’re only a me.
The point is that we were created for connection.
And in the short time left today...I want to encourage you to recognize three foundations for connection...three God-given connections that we can embrace.
Embracing Our God-Given Connection
1. Spiritual Family (Community) - Choosing to BELONG
I believe that we all will be served by recognizing that we long to belong. I think the longing to belong is so deep... that sometimes we protect ourselves from rejection by declaring we don’t really care what anyone thinks... that we don’t need anyone... that we won't let anyone tell us what to do. And the longing can become a source that tries to define us and then divide us into factions. Apart from God... the world will try to define us by race... by age and stage of life...and by political perspectives... offering a way to belong that actually separates us.
And I believe that Christ came to restore the true way in which we were created to belong to God,,,and to one another.
Ephesians 2:19. Would you read this Biblical verse with me?
“You are members of God’s very own family and you belong in God’s household.” - Ephesians 2:19
> You belong. Life in Christ is not just a matter of believing. It is matter of belonging, and you and I must choose to belong.
Some of us have felt like orphans. And God is calling us to be a part of a family. And this call to belong means giving up my deep sense of independence. Many of us long to belong to others... but refuse to allow anyone to have any claim on out life.
So if we are going to build better relationships... the first challenge is to choose to belong...to confront our hyper-independence...and embrace the gift of belonging.
And this belonging brings the value of realizing another God-given connection is the nature of ...
2. Partnership – Choosing to CONTRIBUTE
Partnership is realizing that you’ve got a contribution to make; that the family of God needs you.
We have a common source... but also a common PURPOSE that connects us.
Read together with me this verse from the Biblical text in 1 Corinthians...
“We are partners working together for God.” - 1 Cor. 3:9a (TEV) [7]
Did you ever want to be part of a great team... that accomplished something great? Some of you guys maybe had a dream of being a part of a team that went to the super bowl or won the World Series. And we need to grasp this profound call... that God created us to be partners in the ultimate purpose.
We get to be part of God's plan for the universe. That's what it is all about, when we cooperate and participate together in the family of God... we embody the life of Christ in the world.
And this involves embracing our contribution. The Bible tells us that each of us has a part to play. It says...
“The whole Body is fitted together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole Body is healthy and growing and full of love.” - Eph. 4:16 (NLT)
What’s this describing? It’s simply telling us this basic truth.
We don’t find connection as consumers...but as contributors.
“As each part does its own special work” we will experience how we are fit together...and help others grow.
We discover the God-given connection of partnership...as we embrace being contributors.
And it’s in this process...we develop the third God-given connection of...
3. Friendship – Choosing to SHARE
Friendship develops as we choose to share our lives. We see spiritual friendship described in the Biblical Book of Acts... as the very first lives gathered following the resurrection of Christ.
"All the believers met together constantly and shared everything with each other." Acts 2:44
Notice two things: one, you can't develop friendships without meeting together; and two, you can't develop friendships without sharing.
Some may see people that have really deep friendships; they have long-term friendships, 20, 30 years, something like that. And we may think...“Man, how lucky.” How lucky they are to have a deep friend like that.
> But the truth is that it doesn’t have much to do with luck. It reflects the choice to have created the time and space to share life. They met and they shared. And in the same section it describes how they met in homes. They met in the larger temple space...but then they met during the week from home to home. (Acts 2:46; 5:42). And the Apostle Peter encouraged this... in one letter stating...
"open up your homes to each other." - I Peter 4:9
It doesn't say if they are really nice ones, open them up. It just says open them up. They don't have to be really nice. It just says open up your home.
Why does God encourage that? I think there are two very basic truths about human connection that are reflected in this call to open up our homes.
First... when we open up our homes...it represents opening up where we really live... in more ways than one. It means they met amidst the common weekday...in a common space...and sharing common meals. It means we are connecting in what we share in common.
Secondly, it reflects the fact that we don’t develop relationship in a crowd.... but in a circle. We are able to share more of life in smaller groups. That what our Fall Group Life is all about. It’s about sharing our lives ...and growing in our calling... in the common space of life.
I know that the first time we go meet with a small group... we have to press through the frenzy of life around us...and we may have to press through some fears within us. But that is exactly what relationship requires.
There simply is no substitute for gathering on a regular basis with a smaller group of lives... around the common life and purpose of Jesus.
So the process of building better relationships begins with choosing to belong... to contribute...and to share.
And all of this provides the context for what matters most...which is loving God and loving others.
This is what life is all about, loving God and learning to love others. If you miss this, you have missed the purpose of your life. Because ...Life is not about accomplishments. It is about relationships.
I’ve had the privilege of being at the bedsides of those who were dying.
> I have never once had anybody say, “Bring me my diplomas. I want them close to me.” Nobody says, “Bring me my trophies.” Nobody says, "Bring me my bank statement." No... what everyone desires....what means the most... are family and friends.
What matters is how well we loved others. [8]
And if I can be honest... that is not always an easy truth to consider.
Some of us don’t feel we have really learned to love well.
It can feel like being told something you know is true but can be elusive.
There isn’t a week that goes by...that I don’t sense that I have not loved my wife as I want... my kids as I want... my friends as I want... even strangers as I want.
But here’s the great truth... we CAN grow in loving others...in building better relationships.
How?
We can learn from Jesus.
There is no other source that can guide us more than Jesus... than the one who embodied God in this world.
In the Biblical Book of Ephesians, the Apostle Paul spends the first part of the Book capturing how God has loved us... adopted us... by grace...and given us a new identity to live out. And then he comes to a vital statement on how to live out such love.
Ephesians 5:1-2 ?Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. - Ephesians 5:1-2
Be imitators of God...and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us
In the Message paraphrase, says it this way....
Ephesians 5:1-2 (MSG) ?Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. 2 Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.
We should love like that... we should watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents.
He compares this to the way in which children learn from watching their parents. Every parent knows how real that process is. It happens over time. Parents provide patterns in our lives... and the more we watch them.... we learn from them...for better or worse....and we begin to operate out of them.
If we want to join the patterns of divine love amidst a wounded world... watch Jesus... and learn to love like Jesus. [9]
Over the next five weeks we are going to do just this... we are going to look at five of the most defining ways in which Jesus loved others....and learn how to make them a guide for our lives of living and loving well.
Here’s a quick preview of the five defining ways of love that we will engage.
Learning to Love Like Jesus (Preview of the Weeks Ahead)
1. How to be loved in order to love others
Jesus said...“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.” (John 15:9)
If we are to love like Jesus... we will begin by valuing the love that exists in God.
We all must be loved to love well.
Next week we will begin with how a Healthy “We” Begins with a Healthy “Me.”
2. How to Find and Form Friendship
Jesus formed relationships that changed the whole world... and it wasn’t because he found the most remarkable lives. What we find is that he understood the foundations that were essential to each sphere of relationship. He knew what level of common ground was needed to build upon. He didn’t just “find” friends... he formed relationships.... and he did so at different levels of what they shared.
So the second dynamic we will learn is how to discern and develop the foundations for different spheres of relationships.... and particularly the qualities of friendship.
3. How to See Others (beneath their appearance & behavior)
One of the most striking qualities we see in Jesus is how he saw people. When others only saw what was offensive or annoying... Jesus saw something else. Jesus saw lives with compassion because he saw the need beneath the behavior (Matt:9:36).
And Jesus teaches us how to begin seeing people... how to become safe for other imperfect people to relate to.
4. How to Contend for the Good of Another
Jesus was safe but not afraid of honesty. He spoke the truth. He shows us that love cares enough to contend. Jesus teaches us that love is not passive...that love will initiate.
And finally, we will learn from Jesus...
5. How to invest in the lives of others
Jesus didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us.
Love isn’t a matter of merely being used and abused by others...but rather intentionally chooses to invest in others. We’ll learn how to use our time... attention...and words to with love.
CLOSING
These are the ways we can learn to live and love well... by learning from Jesus.
So let me say to those who may just be exploring who Jesus is. This is a great opportunity learn about who Jesus is. It’s an opportunity to see how he not only loves... but loves you.
And for all of us... these ways of loving like Jesus provide a guide to building better relationships.... with family... friends...classmates and coworkers... people around us we are just beginning to know...and those we may have known a long tome... but have not really
I believe that what God is calling us to do today...is to embrace the challenge to build better relationships... to not simply allow some “pandemic reclusion” cause us to retreat from others... but rather to reapproach how we relate to others... how we love others.
And that begin by embracing the truth that life is not a solo act... that it’s not good to be alone... because we were made for relationship.
PRAY
Bring ourselves before your word...that it is not good for us to be alone.
We come with our fears of being alone.... and our fears of being known.
We come before your grace ... that loved us while still sinners... in all our shame.
Jesus... lead us in learning to live and love well.... to build better relationships.
Resources:
I shaped this series based on my own ideas about what are the most identifiable and impactful principles and patterns we can identify in the way that Jesus loved. I am indebted to Les Parrott for the way he presented that premise itself, from Ephesians 5:1-2, in his book Love Like That.
Notes:
1. Marla Paul’s column is referenced by many...including here and John Ortberg and Lee Strobel...and later wrote a book: The Friendship Crisis The Friendship Crisis (2005)
by Marla Paul
2. From John Ortberg, Everybody’s Normal till You Get to Know Them (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2009).
In a more extended statement, Mother Teresa wrote: “The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love. The poverty in the West is a different kind of poverty -- it is not only a poverty of loneliness but also of spirituality. There's a hunger for love, as there is a hunger for God.” - Mother Teresa, A Simple Path: Mother Teresa
Similarly, Henri Nouwen in his book, “Reaching Out” said: “Loneliness is one of the most universal sources of human suffering today.
3. Drawn from Tim Smith (Overcoming Loneliness) who expands these thoughts:
There are many causes of loneliness. The first is the kind we create for ourselves because we have intentionally or unintentionally isolated ourselves through either negative attitudes or actions, critical spirits or cynicism. Second is loneliness beyond our control like through a divorce or death of a friend or loved one. Third is psychological loneliness which often afflicts those in leadership positions. One Biblical example is Elijah and the meltdown he had after Mt. Carmel because he felt all aloe as a dedicated follower of God. Fourth is cultural loneliness where our technology, while making us more connected than ever, at the same time more distant from each other and true emotional connections. Fifth is the loneliness we choose because of a decision that needs to be made or a path that we need to walk. There are times in life when you have to take a stand that others will not understand and may even disagree with. That’s the loneliness Jesus felt on the way to the cross. When he resolutely set his face toward Jerusalem, he knew it was a journey he would take on his own and even those closest to him didn’t understand and tried to talk him out of it.
4. From “Is Loneliness a Health Epidemic?” By Eric Klinenberg, Feb. 9, 2018 - https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/09/opinion/sunday/loneliness-health.html
5. From https://www.cbsnews.com/news/loneliness-epidemic-former-surgeon-general-dr-vivek-murthy/
In addition, in Cigna’s recent survey exploring the impact of loneliness in the United States, the study finds that young people are reporting loneliness in increasing numbers and at a rate outpacing that of their elderly counterparts. 1 in 4 Americans rarely or never feel as though there are people that really understand them.
No major differences between men and women... nor races... but there is by age – as loneliness is highest among the youngest (18-20) and oldest.
There are 330 million American, yet we are lonely and getting lonelier.
More on this study at: https://newsroom.cigna.com/loneliness-in-america
6. The point about the plurality in Genesis 2:18 is adapted from Tim Keller “Made for Relationship” (2013).
It can also be noted that, in every other faith, every other worldview, every other philosophy, relationship and love are not part of our primary nature... they comes only out of some secondary need.... if not even an unfortunate one.
The Eastern idea of creation...is that it comes from an impersonal force, and that nature of being persons is illusionary and temporary, Your personal individuality is an illusion. When you die you’re the drop that goes back into the ocean. The various pagan myths views human life coming from various gods... who themselves had a beginning,... and relating is often found to be a conflict.
All other ideas...whether that of impersonal energy.... or some form of capricious conflicted gods... or simply pure materialism... love is not really there. It is never there at the start.
Keller notes.
Saint Augustine says the Trinity is the only version of God … You go to the East, and you see the impersonal god. You go to the West, and you see multiple gods, but they usually came out of some primordial ooze or something. Or you have the idea of a single person, a unipersonal god, who creates the world. Only the Trinity gives us an understanding of ultimate reality that has personal relationship at the heart of it.
Saint Augustine says only the Christian God is a community. The Bible says from all eternity there was never a time in which this … God is beginningless
You were made to be brought into a personal relationship with him to give him joy and to sense you are his delight, to give him praise and to sense he’s delighted and affirms you, and to give him love and to sense his love. That’s the first major relationship, but that’s not all.
You’re also made for relationship with other human beings.
7. In Greek, the language of the New Testament was originally written in, the word "fellowship" is often translated “partnership.” That's how close these two words are.
8. It wasn't too long after Jesus said this that the Roman Empire was throwing Christians to the lions in coliseums. They weren't very hospitable to Christians for several hundred years. They were putting them up on stakes and burning them and they were crucifying them and throwing them to lions and all other kinds of things. And in that period of time, one of the most famous secular historians, not a Christian, wrote this about Christians: “Behold, how they love each other."
Consider this from the Bible.
• "Anyone who does not love other Christians does not belong to God." 1 John 3:10,
• "Those who do not love their brothers and sisters, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have never seen." 1 John 4:20,
• "But if we love our Christian brothers, it proves that we have passed from death to eternal life." 1 John 3:14
• “Your strong love for each other will prove to the world that you are My disciples.” John 13:35 (LB)
9. In emphasizing that we should look at Jesus.... and observe... there is an affirmation of being thoughtful... or mindful. We can and should use our mind to observe Jesus. Jesus himself spoke of love including the mind. He affirmed the great central call given to God’s people: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” (Luke 10:27). It is more than merely the physical brain...but the willfull choices we give to what we see. The brain can be weighed, measured, and x-rayed, but you can’t measure, locate, and understand the mind. To put it simply, your mind is the same as your thoughts.
You make up your mind, change your mind, you can be of “two minds.”
