After learning about factors that can cause anger and types of anger, today, we will learn how to handle our anger. People dealt with their anger in many ways. For example, Thomas Jefferson said: "If you are angry count to 10 before you speak. If you are very angry count to 100." Mark Twain revised those words 75 years later and said: "If you are angry count to 4. If you are very angry swear." (I do not recommend that). A story told when Abraham Lincoln had to write a letter to someone who had irritated him; he would often write two letters. The first letter was deliberately insulting. Then, having gotten those feelings out of his system, he would tear it up and write a second letter, this one tactful and discreet. In Japan, a few years ago, "Sakeboard Anger Management Shouting Jar" burst onto the market and became an instant global hit. The designed yet ingenious product "holds your anger," muting and muffling the sound so you can transform your loudest frustrations into whispers. Another way to handle anger is suggested by Yashica Budde, a licensed therapist who started a rage room where people can break anything there to ventilate their anger.
Some people displace their anger on others. Displacement is a psychological defense mechanism in which a person redirects a negative emotion from its source to a less threatening recipient. A classic example of the defense is displaced aggression. If a person is angry but cannot direct their anger toward the source without consequences, they might "take out" their anger on a person or thing that poses less risk. For example, a husband was upset with his boss at work, but he expressed his anger to his wife or children when he got home.
How should we handle our anger rightly?
1. Do not deny it. Some people do not want to admit that they are angry for some reason. It can be because they are afraid of the consequences if they are mad (e.g., if they are mad at their boss or superior, they can lose their job), look cool, or don't know how to express their anger.
2. Do not suppress it. Some people know they are angry, but they suppress it. They thought by suppressing their anger, they could convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, their anger can turn inward—on themselves. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who constantly put others down, criticize everything, and make negative comments haven't learned how to express their anger constructively. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
3. Express it. Someone said anger is mentioned 228 times in the Old and New Testaments. The Bible tells us it is okay to be angry. We do not need to deny or suppress it, but we should express it right. Apostle Paul says in Ephesians 4:26-27, "In your Anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." So, how can we express our anger in the right way so that we do not sin?
a. We should control our anger. Our anger should not be triggered by impulse, short-tempered character, or inability to control our emotions. The book of Proverbs often tells us to control our anger and warns us of the consequences of losing our temper. For example, "A quick-tempered man acts foolishly, and a man of wicked intentions is hated." (14:17). "If you stay calm, you are wise, but if you have a hot temper, you only show how stupid you are." (14:29). "He who sows iniquity shall reap vanity, and the rod of his anger shall fail" (22:8). "Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end." (29:11). "An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins." (29:22). We need to remember that ANGER is one letter short of DANGER. Dangerous anger made Cain kill Abel. It made Saul lose his throne, and Moses failed to lead Israelites to enter the Promised Land.
To prevent losing our temper, doing the technics of "count to ten" and take a deep breath several times can be helpful. But that is only dealing with the symptoms, not the root of the cause. The Bible tells us when we let the Holy Spirit lead us, His power will enable us to produce self-control that will enable us to love others, including our enemies, and control ourselves (Galatians 5:22-23).
b. Our Anger is not triggered by wrong motives. We should not get angry because of our pride, selfishness, jealousy, or because things don't go the way we want them to. The prophet Jonah is a prime example of this. God told him to go to Nineveh and preach to the people there, so that they may be repenting from their sins. Sadly, he disobeyed God's command. But as you know, Jonah finally ended up in Nineveh, and the people repented. Then he became furious when God decided to forgive the people of Nineveh. He pouted and sat down and said he wasn't going to do anything more for God.
We also should not be angry until we know all the facts. Illus.: Pastor Melvin Newland told a story about a preacher who made a reservation at a nice restaurant for a party of 8. But when they got to the restaurant, the receptionist couldn't find the reservation. The preacher told him that he had called and made reservations for 7:00 and that he had been assured that there would be no problem and that they would be served promptly. The dinner was a special occasion, and his parents came from out of town. But the receptionist could find no reservation. The restaurant was crowded, and he was told that they would have to wait 30 to 45 minutes just to be seated. It was too late to go anywhere else. So, they waited. When they were finally seated, their table was near the kitchen, and the waiters were constantly rushing past them. It was a very noisy spot, and he was infuriated. Nothing had gone the way he had planned. When he got home, he was so angry that he decided to call the restaurant manager and complain. So, he got out his phone book and looked up the number that he had circled, only to find that he hadn't called that restaurant at all. He had called another one by the same name a part of the same restaurant chain - on the other side of town. It wasn't their mistake; it was his!
c. Our Anger is for the right purposes. We may be angry when God's Word and His will are being violated. Illus.: Moses went to the top of Mt. Sinai, and God gave him the 10 Commandments on stone tablets. Then Moses came down from the mountain only to discover that the people of Israel had made a golden calf and were engaged in an orgy as part of their worship of the golden calf. Do you remember how Moses reacted? He was furious because they had violated God's law and His will!
Another right purpose of anger is whenever the rights of God's people are taken from them. Illus.: King Saul had just been crowned the King of Israel when he received word that the enemies were besieging the city of Jabesh Gilead, and they had bragged that even if the city surrendered, they would gouge out the right eye of every man in the city. 1 Samuel 11:6 says, "When Saul heard their words, the Spirit of God came upon him in power, and he burned with anger." I don't support violence and war. God also forbids us from taking revenge. But when God's people are violated, that's a time for us to get angry. When terrorists are attacking and killing people in one village after another, it's time for God's people to get angry. When godless people rob God's people of their rights, God's people ought to get angry. There are times when we need to stand up for what is right and express our anger. We should not sit passively by and let evil rule supreme. We must become angry at the unjust things that are happening in our world. Dr. David Seamands said, "Anger is a divinely implanted emotion. Closely allied to our instinct for right, it is designed to be used for constructive spiritual purposes. The person who cannot feel anger at evil is a person who lacks enthusiasm for good. If you cannot hate wrong, it's very questionable whether you really love righteousness." Some forms of evil require us to be quick to speak and quick to act. The slaughter of unborn children, abuse (emotional, physical, sexual), sex trafficking, human slavery, persecution, and other evils call for urgent, immediate rescue. Proverbs 24:11 urges us to – "Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter."
d. We should express our anger in the right way. In order not to sin, when we are angry, we should not say bad words, humiliate, curse others, and be violent. Remember, we should focus on the problem, not the person. We should attack the sin, not the sinner. Ephesians 4:29,31 reminds us, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. … Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." Along this line, we must remember the importance of keeping the volume of our voices low (Prov 15:1 – "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger"). When we are angry, we also should not embarrass the persons by being angry at them at a public place or in front of their friends, which sometimes parents do to their children.
We can't control how others act or respond, but we can make the changes that need to be made. Overcoming anger cannot be achieved overnight. But through prayer, meditating on God's words, and relying on the Holy Spirit, we can overcome our wrongful anger. All this time, maybe we have allowed anger to ingrain in our lives. Anger has become a habit for us. However, with God's help, we can create a new pattern where we are no longer easily angry but angry properly, that is, angry with the right motive, purpose, way, and place. May the people around us be blessed and the Name of the Lord Jesus be glorified through our patience.
