Last week we learned that grief is a normal response to the loss of any significant person, object, or opportunity. The Bible tells us that many people of faith, even Jesus, grieved. So, it is okay to grieve and cry. But do not grieve like the unbelievers who don't have hope. Do not dwell in your grief! Do not let grief take control of your life so that you lose peace and joy and fail to accomplish God's mission in your life. Sadly, there are people, even Christians, whose grief is abnormal, pathological, and complicated. This is the grief that is intensified, delayed, prolonged, denied, or otherwise deviating from the more common expressions of sorrow. Today we will learn how to avoid this complicated grief.
Grief has gripped people since the beginning of human existence, so it is not surprising that counselors have studied bereavement carefully. In 1975, a psychiatrist named Elisabeth Kubler-Ross published a book titled "On Death and Dying" that soon became popular. This book stimulated the development of a whole new body of literature and a field of study known as "thanatology" – the branch of knowledge that deals with dying, death and bereavement. In her book, Kubler-Ross identified Five Stages of Grief people going through a significant loss experience or dying. These stages are described as 1. DENIAL 2. ANGER 3. BARGAINING 4. DEPRESSION and 5. ACCEPTANCE. As we examine those five stages of grief under the biblical teachings, it is essential to note that people grieve differently, and you may or may not go through each of these stages or experience each of them in order. Gary Collins, a Christian psychologist, said, "Perhaps no two people grieve in the same way, and the methods of handling grief are unique and personal, but the pain of grieving is universal."
Let us look at those stages and compare them with what the Bible teaches us in facing loss. As Christians, we can study psychology, but we should filter it and use the Bible as the controlling guide because humanistic and atheist psychologists and psychiatrists developed many theories and therapies that did not have a biblical worldview on the human being.
1. Denial Vs. Reality. People at this stage are in shock and refuse to believe what happened to them. Here are their reactions: "It can't be true." "No, not me/my family!" "How could this happen? This kind of thing doesn't happen to people like me." The sad truth is tragedy and grief happen to everyone. We live in a fallen world where suffering and death happen to all, unbelievers and believers. We try to fool ourselves into thinking we are immune to death and disaster, but no one has the right to make that claim. The more privileged we believe we are, the more difficult it is to deal with the hurts we experience in life. There was a man in the Bible that is praised by God so highly twice. His name is Job. This is what God said about him: "There is no one on earth; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil." (Job 1:8 and 2:3a). And yet, a godly man like him was allowed to lose his children. Not only that Job lost all of his ten children, but he also lost his business. Everything was gone. And yet he said in chapter 1:21 – "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." As believers, we do not need to experience stage 1 or "Denial." Instead of being in denial, God wants us to be Realistic that as long we live in this world, we will lose our loved ones one day and die because everyone will die eventually.
2. Anger Vs. We are surrendering to God's Will. According to Kubler-Ross, people at this stage are angry. They blame doctors, their spouses, themselves, and even God for what happened. Here are some common reactions: "Why me?" "Why my child?" "This isn't fair!" "Where is God? Why didn't He protect me?" While researchers and mental health professionals agree that this anger is a necessary stage of grief and encourages anger, I believe we should not prolong anger. I said last week; it is okay to express our feelings. So, when we are angry, it is okay to feel the anger truly. However, our anger will worsen our grief and cause more problems. Here is a picture of a grieving father who attacked his 3-year-old daughter's killer in court (See PP). People who stay in their anger will lose peace and joy in their lives. Instead of anger, like Job, we need to surrender to God's will. It is hard to lose someone we loved, but we want to submit to His will. We believe God knows what is best. When we learn to surrender to God's will, our grief can be turned into a great blessing for others, like Horatio C. Spafford, whose song "It is well with my Soul" after losing four children, has become a great blessing for millions of people.
3. Bargaining Vs. Trusting in God. In this stage, some people try to make a deal with God. They would say something like, "God, if You heal my little girl, then I'll serve You." "Please God, if you heal me, I will quit drinking." Is it okay to bargain with God? We need to be careful. Numbers 30:2 reminds us, "When a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said." So, when we make a promise, we must keep it! Another thing that we should know is that people who are bargaining with God are like blackmailing God. They threaten God to fulfill their wishes, or else; they will not believe God anymore or be angry at Him. Instead of bargaining, we must believe that God loves us and that what He does to us or allows to happen is for our good. So, instead of bargaining, we trust in God, in His love and wisdom. If God allows something to happen in our lives, that is the best for us. Sometimes God fulfills our desperate requests, but I believe it's better we learn to trust Him. A story in 2 Kings 20:1-6 tells how king Hezekiah became ill and was at death. The prophet Isaiah went to him and said that is going to die. Hearing that, "Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the Lord, "Remember, Lord, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes." And Hezekiah wept bitterly." God answered his request. He says, "I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. On the third day from now you will go up to the temple of the Lord. I will add fifteen years to your life." Indeed, Hezekiah lived fifteen more years, but instead of glorifying God, he committed the sin of bragging or pride that brought punishment to his family.
4. Depression Vs. Comfort in God. In this stage, people experience a deep sadness realizing that they are dying or that their loved one is dead. Sadness is a normal response to a loss. But when the feeling controls them, it will paralyze them. They can no longer think, do not have the energy to do their daily activities or interest in continuing their lives. Like I said before, it's normal to grieve, but we do not allow our feelings to control us. So, when we grieve, we seek comfort from God. We share our feelings with Him. Therefore, even though we still feel sad, we have the strength and courage to face reality. God says, "As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you, and you shall be comforted in Jerusalem." (Isaiah 66:13). In Matthew 11:28, Jesus invites us – "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." That is why Paul says, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." (2 Cor 1:3-4).
5. Acceptance & Moving On. In this stage, people can accept the loss. Not in the sense that "it's okay my husband died" instead, "my husband died, but I'm going to be okay." In this stage, their emotions may begin to stabilize. They re-enter reality. They come to terms with the "new" reality that their partner is never coming back or that they will die to their illness and die soon – and they are okay with that. It's not a "good" thing, but it's something they can live with. It is a time of adjustment and readjustment. "Life has to go on. How? What do I do now?" As believers, we do not need to go through the previous stages to accept the acceptance stage. We grieve, we may struggle with the loss, have many questions, and perhaps be angry with the situation, but we bring them to God, hold to His promises, and find comfort in Him.
In 2 Sam 12:19-23, we learn how King David dealt with the death of his son. When his son was sick, David fasted and wept cried out to God to heal his son. But his son died. His attendants assumed David would be more depressed and angry when he found that his son was dead. But this is what happened: "Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions, and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request, they served him food, and he ate. His attendants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!" He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
In the past two weeks, we heard people we knew in Indonesia passed away almost every day. Last Sunday, I shared with you that Pastor Paulus Kurnia lost his 30-year-old son ten days ago. I cannot imagine losing a son. It must be tough. But four days ago, I got this e-flier (See PP) about a webinar he will lead next month. That is an excellent example of how Christians should respond to grief. His faith in God, his willingness to accept God's will, and his hope in the resurrection give him the strength to move on and continue doing the mission that God entrusts to him amidst his grief.
As we come to the end of the message today on dealing with death and dying, I want you to realize that one day you will die too. Allow me to ask you, are you ready? Do you know where your spirit will go after leaving your body? Like me who believes in Jesus, I pray and hope that you also believe and know that you will go to heaven when you die. In his letter, the Apostle John says – "I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life."
About 26 years ago, I visited Dani, who was dying because of cancer, to encourage and pray for him. On the way to his house, I imagined I would see a 40-year-old man who looked depressed and complained of his condition. But I was wrong. When he saw me from his wheelchair, he smiled and welcomed me warmly. And even though he was weak, he told me how he was thankful to God. He said: "Many people die suddenly. But God has given me enough time to prepare everything before I leave this world." I was amazed when I heard that. Dani also said that he was very sad to leave his family, but he was also glad because he soon saw his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who he had served for many years. And this man continued to serve the Lord in his weakness until he died. Whenever Dani was at the hospital, he visited other patients to share the Gospel and pray for them. He is in heaven now. I hope and pray all of you will go to heaven. If you are not sure about your salvation, what you need to do is confess your sin, ask God's forgiveness, and accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior. Let us pray. Next Sunday, we will continue our sermon series on "The Bible and Emotional Problems," and we will learn about "Depression."
