This afternoon, I will continue the sermon series of “The Bible and Emotional Problems.” We will discuss the topic "Biblical and Psychological Perspectives on Grief” today and next Sunday. In the past two weeks, we prayed at the Prayer Meetings and Sunday Services for Pastor Paulus Kurnia and his son, Timothy, who both got Covid-19. Sadly, four days ago, Timothy did not survive. Not long ago, his father contacted me asking about counseling schools in America. He said Timothy wanted to go back to the United States to study biblical counseling. But he suddenly had gone to be with the Lord and leaving his parents grieving now. We need to continue praying for them and for many families who lost their loved ones.
Death separates us from someone we love and oftentimes causes pain of grief! The closer we are to the person, the more pain we will feel when they leave us. Billy Graham wrote, “When death separates us from someone we love, there is a time when we think no one has suffered as we have.”
Grief is an emotion every one of us has felt. It is an inevitable hurt because we cannot avoid death. I have talked about death in our Bible studies and sermons. But it is not something many people talk about. It is one of those subjects that they avoid. Our culture begins teaching us to turn away from our grief early on. We were taught that sad, painful, or “negative” feelings were to be avoided at all costs. And if we were unable to avoid feeling them, we were not to show them in public. Many of us have heard words like “Boys don't cry!" “Laugh and the world laugh with you, cry and you will cry alone.” “You must be tough!” Most of our concepts for handling those kinds of emotions were developed when we were pretty young. So, we usually try to manage the most difficult times in our adult lives with the limited perceptions and skills we learned as children. Our misperceptions and fears keep us from learning new skills and developing healthier perspectives. As a result, we still think like little children. For example, "If I cry, people will think I am weak, immature, or out of control," "I should not burden others with my troubles," "I should show them that I am strong," "I don't want to be a burden for others," etc.
We should know that grief is a normal response to the loss of any significant person, object, or opportunity. We are emotional beings. Therefore, feeling sad when we lose someone whom we love so much or something so valuable for us is a normal emotion. Death and grieving are mentioned often in the Bible. In the OT, for example, we read about Jacob mourning over the loss of Joseph – “Then Jacob tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and mourned for his son many days. All his sons and daughters came to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. “No,” he said, “I will continue to mourn until I join my son in the grave.” So his father wept for him.” (Genesis 37:34-35). King David grieved over the death in battle of his grown son, Absalom – “The king was shaken. He went up to the room over the gateway and wept. As he went, he said: “O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you—O Absalom, my son, my son! (2 Samuel 18:33), and Jeremiah lamenting the death of King Josiah – “Jeremiah composed laments for Josiah, and to this day all the male and female singers commemorate Josiah in the laments. These became a tradition in Israel and are written in the Laments.” (2 Chronicles 35:25).
In the NT, we read when Stephen was murdered, Christians grieved deeply – “Godly men buried Stephen and mourned deeply for him.” (Acts 8:2). The Bible also records that “Jesus wept.” (John 11:35). That is one of the shortest verses in the Bible. I believe Jesus was the happiest man who ever lived. He was a perfect and sinless man. And yet He grieved when Lazarus died. Sometimes grief can be a sign of spiritual remorse or true repentance. Jesus says in Matthew 5:4 – “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” And James 4:9 says, “Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.” Therefore, grief is not always harmful or wrong.
Unfortunately, some Christians misunderstand what the Apostle Paul said to the believers in 1 Thessalonians 4:13 – “Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.” They think, as believers, we should always rejoice in the Lord. We have to be strong in all situations. Crying shows weakness. They also believe that Christians with strong faith will not grieve when they lose their loved ones since they know what the Bible says about those who die in the Lord. I believe what Paul meant is not that we should not grieve, but we should not grieve like the non-believers who do not have hope of the resurrection in Christ. For them, death means the end of everything because they believe there is no life after death! Or, if they believe there is life after death, they are not sure or do not know what happens with the spirit of their loved one when they died. Therefore, they grieved with no hope. But for us, we know that death is a pearl gate that leads everyone who believes in Jesus Christ to heaven. One day, we will be there too. Therefore, it is normal to grieve when we lose our loved ones.
Here is what you need to remember and do when you are grieving:
1. Grieving is normal. The Bible encourages us to express our feelings. So, do not feel bad or guilty when you feel sad and cry because of losing someone you loved.
2. Share your grief with God. He is a great listener. He is your heavenly Father or ” “Papa.” He loves you and cares for you. He is the best Counselor who can understand what you are going through and can feel your pain. But don’t stop there.
3. Open your heart for the people God sends you who can be with you as you walk this road. Friends, especially those who have been through it themselves, can lighten the load of your grief.
4. Remember that grieving is an active process. It takes energy that will likely have to be temporarily withdrawn from your routine activities. Treat yourself with the same care, tolerance, and affection you would extend to your friend in a similar situation.
5. If you like writing, write in your private journal your feelings and the lessons you are learning on your journey. Healthy grieving will have much to teach you.
6. Don’t pretend that you are feeling fine when you are not. Don’t lie when people ask how you are doing. Time does not automatically heal the pain caused by loss, and neither does lying about our feelings.
7. When you are ready, reach out to others who are hurting and share your experience, strength, and hope with them. Your experience gives you wisdom and courage to be with them as they work through what you have been through. Paul says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Cor 1:3-4).
I want to close this message with this wonderful testimony of Horatio C. Spafford, who lived from 1828-1888. Spafford had known peaceful and happy days as a successful attorney in Chicago. He was the father of four daughters, an active member of the Presbyterian Church, and a loyal friend and supporter of the great evangelical leader, D. L. Moody. The great Chicago fire of 1871 wiped out the family’s extensive real estate investments. When Moody left for Great Britain for an evangelistic campaign, Spafford decided to lift his family's spirits by taking them on vacation to Europe to assist Moody in the meetings. In November 1873, Spafford was detained by urgent business, but he sent his wife and four daughters as scheduled, planning to join them soon. Halfway across the Atlantic, the ship was struck by another vessel and sank in 12 minutes. All four of Spafford’s daughters were among the 226 who drowned. Mrs. Spafford was miraculously saved. Horatio Spafford boarded a ship carrying him to rejoin his grieving wife in Wales. When the ship passed the approximate place where his precious daughters had drowned, Spafford received sustaining comfort from God that enabled him to write: “When peace, like a river, attended my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll-Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well with my soul. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate and shed His own blood for my soul. And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll: The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend, "Even so" it is well with my soul.”
Praise God! He has used that song to comfort many people who suffer from loss. To close this message, I want to summarize what we have learned today: Grief is normal when losing someone or something precious. The Bible tells us many people of faith, even Jesus, grieved. So, it is okay to grieve and cry. But do not grieve like the unbelievers who don’t have hope. Do not dwell in your grief! Do not let grief takes control of your life so that you lose peace, joy and fail to accomplish God’s mission in your life. Next Sunday, we will learn about unhealthy or complicated grief and respond to the “Five Stages of Grief” by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a famous Swiss psychiatrist.
