“What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say”
Introduction
There are not many times when I am left speechless. I’m often told that I have a tendency to not be quiet and listen — that I actually talk too much.
When I first heard of Debbie’s passing, however, I found myself without words to say.
When someone is taken from us so unexpectedly, all of us I believe find ourselves not knowing what to say.
How do we comfort each other? What can we possibly say?
There are so many unanswered questions.
So many things we may never know in this life.
But maybe that’s OK. Maybe we do not have to have all of the answers. Maybe we do not have to know all of the perfect things to say.
I don’t think God expects us to always have the perfect words to say to each other. After all, none of us are perfect.
We all do, however, experience all kinds of emotions and feelings.
We share those feelings and emotions.
Those are things which bring us together.
Consider for a moment today the context to the scripture I read from John 11 earlier. It is the story of the death of Jesus’ good friend Lazarus.
Lazarus has already passed away, and picking up in verse 17, we read:
17 On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. 18 Now Bethany was less than two miles from Jerusalem, 19 and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother. 20 When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home.
21 “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”
23 Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”
24 Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”
25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
27 “Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”
28 After she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. “The Teacher is here,” she said, “and is asking for you.” 29 When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him. 30 Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. 31 When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.
32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.
“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.
35 Jesus wept.
36 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” (John 11, NIV)
1. Today, when we do not know what to say, we should comfort each other.
In the passage, we read that many Jews had come from Jerusalem to be there with Mary and Martha.
I’m sure that as they gathered at Lazarus’ house, they shared stories and remembrances of Lazarus.
I’m sure they asked each other, “Do you remember the time when Lazarus did this?”
Or, “Do you remember the time when Lazarus told that story?”
They came to offer support and comfort to Mary and Martha who were grieving the loss of their brother.
That is exactly what we should do as well.
When we don’t know what to say, stop and share memories of our loved one.
(use this section to share memories about the deceased – these were some of my memories of the church member who had passed)
If you knew anything about Debbie, it was that she loved sports. She loved Virginia Tech football. She also loved baseball. And specifically those New York Yankees.
On the other end of the spectrum, if you know anything about me, I have always been a Cincinnati Reds fan.
When I started preaching at Level Green, my iPad cover with a Cincinnati Reds logo was one of the first things Debbie noticed. And she gave me a hard time about it.
I remember one if the first church meals at Level Green after I started that Debbie sat down with my family, making sure that we were welcomed and felt comfortable.
And the first thing we talked about was baseball.
She brought up the Reds. We talked about the greats of baseball. We shared our love for the game. It was refreshing to talk baseball with someone who knew as much about the old time players as I thought I did! Then she revealed her love — the New York Yankees!
Well, it became our thing to joke about each other’s team, how bad they were playing, or sometimes, how good they were playing.
Though we loved teams that really hate each other, baseball gave us a common ground, building our friendship.
She even shared with our son Isaiah her love for baseball. The two of them would talk at church meals about the baseball cards that each of them had. Debbie even would bring Isaiah Cincinnati Reds cards that she would find, from her own collection, or ones she would find while she was out and about. It truly made his day when she would bring those to him.
She always loved when I would throw a baseball story into my sermons, like
The Humorous Story Is Told Of A Baseball Manger ...
By Jimmy Chapman
Copied from Sermon Central
[t]he humorous story told of a baseball manger who decided to play a rookie in right field one day. The regular fielder wasn’t happy about it and loudly makes it know from the bench that it was a big mistake to play the kid.
As it turned out the rookie was so nervous that he messed up big-time. He made a couple of errors and misjudged several other fly balls that should have been called errors. Each time he messed up, the veteran complained loudly from the bench.
Finally, late in the game the manager replaced the rookie with the veteran, mostly to shut the veteran up. Not long after, the veteran mishandled the first ball hit to him for an error. As he came off the field at the end of the inning, everyone on the bench got very quiet wondering what he would say.
The manager was waiting for the veteran, but before the manager could address the man, the veteran ballplayer slammed his glove down in disgust and said, “Skipper, that kid has right field so messed up nobody can play it.”
She really loved this one:
A Little Boy Was Heard Talking To Himself As He ...
By Michael Richardson
Copied from Sermon Central
A little boy was heard talking to himself as he walked across the backyard, baseball cap in place, ball and bat in his hands.
"I am the greatest hitter in the world," he said. He threw the ball up, swung and missed. "Strike one," he said.
Again, he told himself, "I am the greatest hitter ever." He threw the ball up again, swung and missed.
He looked at the ball, and at the bat, and said, "I’m the greatest hitter that ever lived."
He threw the ball up again and swung and missed a third time.
This time he said, "Strike three! Wow! He said, “I’m the greatest pitcher in the world!”
Knowing Debbie also means you knew someone who loved her church and the church.
Whether it was a Vacation Bible School, an after church meal, church yard sale, or anything else that was planned, Debbie was right in the middle, ready to selflessly lend a helping hand in any way she could.
She was always there — always ready to help — always involved.
I can’t even imagine the countless, even thankless, hours that she spent typing in Coke rewards codes into the computer, helping Level Green raise money for Grundy Mountain Mission school — a way to extend the message of the gospel to children who need more than anything to know the love of our God above.
But that is who Debbie was — someone who selflessly gave of her time, her person, her resources, herself.
She didn’t expect praise. Most of the time I would even say she didn’t want praise. Just the opportunity to serve the church and her Savior.
These are just a few of the things that come to my mind when I think of Debbie.
I’m sure each of you have stories and remembrances that you too could share.
When we don’t know what else to say, start there — sharing those memories.
We also can comfort each other by sharing the common love that we have for the one who is now gone.
We can share the grief that we all experience.
We can make ourselves available to each other.
This sharing and comforting each other helps us each to cope with the emotions and feelings we are experiencing, and that are common to everyone.
2. Today, when we do not know what to say, invite Jesus into our grief.
Mary and Martha sent for Jesus — to come to them during Lazarus’ sickness — but then after his passing.
Jesus understands our grief and our sorrows. Jesus was as human as each of us.
Jesus experienced all of the same emotions and feelings we experience in our lives, and are experiencing now.
Jesus has walked in our shoes and knows the pain of loss, just as we struggle with the void that we find without Debbie with us today.
Scripture says that Jesus was moved by what Mary and Martha were experiencing.
The loss Mary and Martha experienced moved and stirred the heart of the creator of the universe.
Do not miss the magnitude of that statement.
He wasn’t calloused.
He didn’t offer flowery words or cliches.
He wasn’t flippant about what had happened, though He knew that He would be raising Lazarus from the dead.
Instead, Jesus mourned with Mary and Martha.
Jesus wept, Scripture says, when He was confronted with the reality of Lazarus’ physical death.
Today, as we struggle with our emotions, our thoughts, our feelings, our words, do not forget to stop and invite Jesus into our midst, to comfort, to strengthen, to help us through this dark time in our lives.
3. And in doing so, we will affirm the resurrection.
Jesus taught Mary and Martha that He was the resurrection and the life.
Jesus shares that message of hope with us today as well.
We have the promise of Jesus in John 14. He says:
1 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. 2 In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. 4 And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know.
5 Thomas saith unto him, Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how can we know the way? 6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. (John 14, AKJV)
Jesus has promised us life, the resurrection, a new home, a new place in His presence.
This is what Paul was reminding the church in Thessalonica:
13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15 According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18 Therefore encourage one another with these words. (1 Thessalonians 4, NIV)
One day, we will be reunited with all of those who have gone on before — in a better place — in the best place of all — in Heaven with Jesus Himself.
A place where we will know no sorrow.
A place where we will feel no pain.
A place where all will be made right.
A place where we will be together forever.
Debbie has gone on. One day, we will join her, and all of the others that have already made that journey into the everlasting.
When we do not know what to say, encourage each other with these words, Paul says.
Conclusion
This afternoon, I am certainly not an expert in the right things to say at times.
However, as we have gathered here today, I can say this:
* Remember Debbie’s life.
* Celebrate Debbie’s faithfulness and selflessness.
* Ground ourselves in the hope of the resurrection that Debbie has already found.
* And it’s all because of God’s Amazing Grace.
