Love is Relational
John 21:15-17
(Read text.)
I remember hearing missionaries to the Congo talking about the need for long-term missions, especially the importance of learning the language and the culture of the people. “Language and culture are important,” they said, “because they facilitate relationships. And relationships are what love is all about.” That last statement bears repeating and taking to heart. “Relationships are what love is all about.”
Two elderly friends were driving to a nursing home to visit David, Marjorie’s husband, who was being cared for in an Alzheimer’s Unit. On the way, Marjorie prepared her friend, Elizabeth, by telling her, “He won’t know you. He doesn’t know anyone anymore.” Once in the room, Marjorie took David’s hands into her own, and looking into his eyes, said, “David, here’s Elizabeth. Do you remember her? She’s our friend and former neighbor.” But as expected, there was no hint of a response.
Marjorie then began eagerly seeking his recognition of her. “Who am I, dear? Do you know me, honey?” David just kept staring at his wife, his face a complete blank. But then, after a long moment, his eyes lit up, and he spoke just three words: “You love me.”
Those were the only words David managed during their visit that day--and yet, as Elizabeth later wrote, they were enough. She knew they had witnessed a holy moment. The love forged over the years of their marriage had prevailed and pierced the darkness of his disease. And multiply that power many times over, in all sorts of other challenges of life.
Love is the hidden centerpiece of Creation and its most wonderful force, and we as the church should know that better than anyone. The love of God in Jesus Christ saves us from our sins, and from ourselves, and leads us into a new way of life. And that same spirit of love carries over into how we’re created to care for and bless others. The cross itself speaks of the two dimensions of love, vertical and horizontal, divine and human love. And where they intersect most powerfully is in relationships.
That’s why Jesus gathered twelve disciples to share his life with for more than three years, so he could develop close, impactful relationships with them. And it’s why he had an inner circle of friends within that group, of Peter, James and John. And it also seems that he and John were especially close, enough so that John, who calls himself “the disciple Jesus loved,” laid his head on Jesus’ chest at the Last Supper. (I’ve always loved that tender image.) And the love between Jesus and his mother was also very poignant, of course, right to the end. And we know that Jesus' half-brother, James, became the leader of the church at Jerusalem, no doubt at least in part because of their lifelong relationship as brothers. It’s probably significant, too, that there were at least three sets of brothers with the group of apostles. And we could go on: Mary and Elizabeth, the mother of John the Baptist, were relatives, probably aunt and niece. And Mary was the sister of Salome, the mother of James and John, who were therefore Jesus’ cousins. And even the Apostle Paul, whom we think of as so unattached, sends greetings to several of his relatives in the last chapter of his letter to the church in Rome. It’s very significant, I think, that there are so many family connections within the New Testament. Love is profoundly relational.
The strong bonds that exist between family and friends--including our spiritual family in the faith--make us who we are, and gives our lives fulfillment. There is prevalent today the "myth of Self," which says that we each have a core identity that deserves our primary focus, and is sufficient in and of itself. But that's a lie! We find our truest and best selves only in the context of who we are for others. Which is why Jesus spoke about dying to ourselves in order to follow him into a new life of self-giving, other-centered love.
That’s just what we see in our text this morning. Three times, Jesus asks Peter if he loves him, presumably to heal their relationship after Peter’s three denials of Christ on the night of his arrest. But it's interesting that he also refers to Peter as “Simon, son of John,” and not by the name Jesus had given him, perhaps another sign of the need for restoration in their friendship.
“Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?” he asks (meaning, does he love Jesus more than the other disciples, as Peter had once claimed). Peter answers very simply, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus replies, “(Then) feed my lambs.” (I'm adding the word "then" because it's implied.)
Again, there’s a second, very similar exchange: “Simon, son of John, do you truly love me?” “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” “(Then) take care of my sheep,” Jesus tells him.
And yet a third time, Jesus asks, “Do you love me?” Although this time rather than using the Greek word agape, for selfless love (“Do you truly love me?”), now it’s phileo, the word for brotherly love (simply “Do you love me?”). These questions grieve Peter, but Jesus wants to restore what they once had, both the highest form of love (agape) and their brotherly love as friends (phileo). Peter answers, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” And once more, Jesus says, “(Then) feed my sheep.”
Jesus knew that Peter loved him, but he needed to hear it from him. One of the very hardest parts of this past year for so many families has been not being able to be there with their loved ones as they left this world, to tell them how much they were loved and will be missed. Jesus wanted to have that opportunity with Peter. He was also healing what had been broken, while encouraging Peter to share their bond of love with others. Jesus was saying, “If you love me, care for those I love, the rest of my flock. Love them as I would.”
Tony Campolo tells a story about returning to his hotel in Port-au-Prince one evening when he was in Haiti overseeing a ministry project. He was approached outside the front door by two young Haitian girls in their early teens. One of them asked if he’d like some company that night. “Ten dollars, all night” she said. Tony has a gift for thinking on his feet, and he replied that yes, he’d like that. Then he asked the other girl, “Would you care to join us?” She agreed, “Ten dollars, all night.” So Tony told them, “Okay, give me a half hour and come up to Room 210.”
He went up to his room and immediately called room service to order three banana splits, “with extra everything.” He also asked them to send up any Disney or animated movies they had. When the girls arrived, they all ate their banana splits and watched movies until one in the morning, when the last of them fell asleep across the bed. Tony sat watching them from a chair, and he thought, “Nothing’s changed. Tomorrow they’ll be back on the streets again selling their bodies to dirty, lustful men. Nothing's changed.” But then, he said, he felt something else well up inside of him, and the thought came, “But for one night, you gave them back their childhood. For one night, you let them be kids again.” And who knows what the Holy Spirit could do with just one simple act of love? Who knows?
Not many people have Tony Campolo’s special gift of seizing the moment in situations like that. But all of us can love one another more generously, without holding back. You’ve heard the saying that it’s better to give someone flowers while they’re still alive, and I’ve recently experienced that. I had my 70th birthday last month, and Diane has always done something special on those milestone birthdays. This time she decided to give me a card shower, I think they’re called, asking family and friends to send a card or note with some personal word of affirmation or encouragement to justify the fact that I’m still hanging around. It was a tremendous blessing, and very humbling, since I know better than anyone how kind they were only to mention the positives and not the flip side of the coin. But that’s an expression of God’s love, too, full of grace and always so generous toward us. We, too, should love generously.
Christ-like love is also compassionate and full of mercy.
A father wrote about an experience he had one day when driving with a couple of his kids, and seeing a man standing at the end of an exit ramp holding a cardboard sign that read simply “Hungry.” One of his young children asked what that meant. The father explained that he was begging for money, but that a lot of those guys were scam artists. In fact, he told them, if anyone gave him food instead of money, he’d probably not even want it. Their father thought he was helping them by playing the part of their wise old dad.
Their car was in line behind a pickup truck with some crude bumper stickers, which the father also noticed disapprovingly. As the panhandler worked his way up the line of stopped cars, some gave him spare change and others ignored him. But the driver of the pickup reached to his side and pulled out a sandwich, presumably from his own lunch pail, and handed it out the window to the man.
The guy took the sandwich, gave the driver a big smile, tore it out of the baggie, and wolfed it down in about thirty seconds. It seemed like he hadn’t eaten in days. The kids looked at their father, who was no longer feeling quite so smug, and as the man approached their car, they rounded up all the spare change they had and gave it to him. When they did, he said, very sincerely, “God bless you,” which I’ve noticed they almost always do. Right? And as soon as they got home, the father had a good talk with his children about not judging other people--and being more compassionate.
Compassionate love also means showing forgiveness, and even praying for those who have hurt us. That’s about as counter-intuitive as it gets, but it works! It’s hard to hold a grudge when you’re praying for someone. Jesus even prayed from the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Lk. 23:34), so we have no excuse. None of our grievances can even begin to compare with what he was willing to forgive, and still is. Many of us have some unfinished business in this respect, myself included, but let’s try to finish it.
One of the most beautiful passages of Scripture, in my opinion, is in Colossians chapter 3 (vv. 12-14): “As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which brings them all together in perfect harmony.”
As our missionary friends so wisely observed, love is all about relationships. Let’s cherish and nurture them, as we learn to love one another more generously and compassionately, just as God so graciously loves us. May we make the most of our relationships by living a life of love that's worthy of our calling as followers of Jesus.
Amen.
