Second, only to a personal relationship with God, marriage is the single most important relationship that one will ever have. It is also the holiest thing a person will ever do. Marriage is about living in harmony, commonality, and agreement, which is impossible without both partners being Born-Again (See 2 Cor 6:14-7-2). It should be entered into like the High Priest entering into the Holy of Holies - with reverent fear and trepidation – fully understanding the consequences of failure. God has explicitly forbidden a Born-Again Christian to marry a non-Believer, so the discussion here is directly addressed only to those already Born-Again and desire to be married (2 Cor 6:14).
One of the reasons God instituted marriage was to show human beings the kind of relationship He wants to have with every person on the planet. In the Old Testament, the word "marriage" describes God's spiritual relationship with His chosen people, Israel (Ps 45; Isa 54:6). When God's people fell into sin, especially idolatry, the sin was likened to adultery (Jer 3:1-20). In the New Testament, the analogy is continued: Christ is the Bridegroom, and the Church is His Bride (John 3:29; Eph 5:25-33).
Every Born-Again Christian is to live either in fidelity within the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman or chastity in singleness. The ultimate challenge for every Christian is to allow the Holy Spirit to transform them "into His likeness with ever-increasing glory" (2 Cor 3:18 NIV).
A Harvard study revealed that couples who read the Bible, pray, and attend church together regularly have a divorce rate of 1 in 1287, less than 1/10 of 1% compared to 24% of non-believing marriages ending in divorce! Contrary to popular belief, the statistical evidence shows that, on the average, second marriages actually last four years LESS than the first marriage.
Every Born-Again Christian must submit "to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Eph 5:21 ESV). The Bible expands on what submission entails and implores husbands and wives to imitate Christ's spiritual closeness and love for His Bride, the Church.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands." (Eph 5:21-24 ESV)
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish." (Eph 5:25-27 ESV)
"In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Eph 5:28-33 NIV)
The Bible counsels Born-Again husbands and wives to imitate Christ's spiritual closeness and love for His Bride. God is telling us that marriage must first begin with submission to one another. Submitting to one another in marriage means to esteem your spouse more highly than yourself. It becomes easy for a wife to submit to her husband when she knows that he has only her best interest at the forefront of every action he takes and every decision he makes.
The husband has been given the grave responsibility to love his wife as Jesus loves the Church! This is an impossible task apart from Him. Unless they completely commit their marriage into the hands of the Lord, it will be impossible to live as the Bible describes.
It has been said that marriage is a 50/50 proposition. The true ideal is that both husband and wife should each work at giving 100% in the marriage. However, the reality is that marriage demands will NEVER result in perfectly equal sharing but will instead create constant changes. These changes will result in, rather than a 100/100 or a 50/50 relationship, more realistically, at times an 80/20 or 30/70 or 65/35 sharing relationship.
One person will, at times, be required to meet a greater measure of demands due to such factors as job security, school, children, the health of the spouse - whether physical or mental - and so on. By keeping this in proper perspective, we will avert being overwhelmed by those temporary challenges that will always be a part of married life.
COMMITMENT IS THE FIRST STEP
In today's world, commitment lasts only until it is inconvenient. Marriage is first a commitment to God and then to each other. It must be based upon that commitment rather than just upon the emotion of love. Love, as humans express it, is like a chameleon: it changes according to its environment!
What brings the most satisfaction in a marriage is the level of commitment a couple makes to each other before God. When I asked my wife to marry me, I understood that I was making a vow of commitment to God first and my wife second. But in actuality, the secondary commitment to my wife is the same as my primary commitment to God.
Jesus taught that the greatest commandment of loving God with all our heart, soul, and mind is the same as loving another person, so my commitment to my wife is based upon my commitment to God (Matt 22:39). I also came to understand that my marriage was my ministry, and everything else was just work. The institution of marriage is a direct representation to the world of God's marriage to each Believer as His Bride (Rev 19:7).
My wife and I vowed to one another that we would never use the word "divorce" in any conversation we had with each other, no matter how heated the argument nor how terrible the wrong committed. Above all else, we were steadfast in our commitment before God because He promised never to leave or forsake us, no matter what (Deut 31:6; Heb 13:5).
BECOMING A SACRIFICIAL LEADER
We must be continuously reminded that Jesus sacrificed everything for us, not because we deserved it, but because He loved us. His sacrifice showed the depth of His love for us.
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13 NIV)
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." (Eph 5:25-27 NIV)
The word 'love' used above is the Greek word 'agapeo' which refers to the mystery of God's divine love for us. It is IMPOSSIBLE for a human being on their own to love as God loves. The only one who can love like God is Jesus because He is 100% fully God and has always been, and always will be, the Creator of all things.
The husband helps make his wife holy by setting the example for the family by daily taking time to study the Bible and help her to understand it by studying and discussing what they are reading. That means YOU need to be studying, seeking to understand the Scriptures, and spending time in prayer, not just when you and your wife are together.
Husbands, God has given you responsibility in being a sacrificial leader. If your marriage is going to get better, you will need to take steps of sacrifice to help your wife be the holy woman of God that He wants her to be.
Sacrificing for your wife does not mean just giving up watching a sports game, playing golf, or letting her take control of the TV remote. It means to esteem her more highly than yourself, using words and actions that encourage, strengthen and edify her. It means putting the TV on "Mute" when she has something to say.
Sacrifice means we give our best to God with joy. Working 60-80 hours a week is not how you sacrifice for your family – that is more about financing things that will occupy your family's time because you are always busy at work or gone on a hunting trip, playing golf, or watching sports. Having you at home is more important than seeing you drive away in the newest car from the biggest house on the block.
LOVING YOUR FAMILY
God commands every Born-Again Christian husband and father to love their wife and raise their children in such a way that they will want to serve Jesus all the days of their life! God has called men of courage to walk with and trust Him when times are tough and not just when they are good.
The greatest gift a father can give their children is an environment where they know that they are loved and that their father loves God. The best way to do that is to love your wife as Jesus loves the Church and do all that you can to help teach your children the ways of God and continuously guide them towards Jesus!
Husbands need to sacrifice because of love for their wives. The reality of love is best shown in their actions.
"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." (1 John 3:18 NIV)
We don't deserve Jesus' love. The most profound and incomprehensible reality about God is that He knows everything about you – your thoughts, words, deeds - and still loves you anyway - and chose to dwell WITHIN you! Husbands, realize that is the kind of love Jesus has for you and you are to have for your wife.
The husband must ask for Jesus to love his wife through him with the same self-sacrificing and sanctifying love that can only be satisfying because of Jesus. The Bible defines the character and nature of Jesus, who is love incarnate, which illuminates the reality that a human being can't love like that on their own, in and of themselves.
Jesus suffers long,
Jesus is kind,
Jesus envies not,
Jesus doesn't boast of Himself,
Jesus is not puffed up,
Jesus does not behave Himself unseemly,
Jesus seeks not His own,
Jesus is not easily provoked,
Jesus thinks no evil,
Jesus rejoices not in iniquity,
Jesus rejoices in the truth,
Jesus bears all things,
Jesus believes all things,
Jesus hopes all things,
Jesus endures all things.
Jesus never fails. (1 Cor 13)
By simply replacing the words "charity" or "love" with the name of Jesus, a complete understanding emerges of who Jesus is and how He loves.
It becomes effortless for a husband to love their wife as Christ loves the Church when Jesus is doing the loving through them. This love requires daily dying to self, which can only be done by the Holy Spirit crucifying the flesh of those who willingly carry their cross daily in repentant humility and submissive surrender to God and long for no one else, or anything else, but Jesus alone.
God placed within the husband the capability, desire, and responsibility to be this kind of husband when He came to eternally live within him the moment they were Born-Again. Love and marriage are ALL about Jesus, who is working within and giving the husband "the desire and the power to do what pleases him" (Phil 2:13), including loving his wife.
UNDERSTANDING
"..husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you a of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Pet 3:7 ESV)
The Greek words translated as 'understanding way' are 'kata gnoosin' which means "according to knowledge." Husbands need to gain knowledge about their wives, know their temperament, likes and dislikes to better live with them according to that knowledge.
Your wife deserves to be treated with respect, understanding, and your being considerate of her feelings, opinions, dreams, etc. The consequence of not doing that is your prayers will be hindered, and your relationship with God is harmed.
ACCOUNTABILITY AND SELF DISCIPLINE
When a husband genuinely trusts God, they will continuously see that their wife and children are gifts from Him and that they must take the responsibility to do the very best they can to love them and raise their children in the ways that are pleasing to Him.
Husbands, you are accountable to God for your families. He has called you to be the spiritual head of the house. A good father will be a model of self-discipline. They teach their children that they can't have it all. Fathers will also show that it takes self-discipline to make the time to study God's Word, to pray, and go to church.
Husbands are to let their children know that their Mom is the best woman on the face of the planet. Children need to understand that both they and their Mom are loved more than anything except God. Their children need to know that their dad will be faithful to their mother and Jesus! Every man must make a "covenant" with their "eyes not to look lustfully at a girl" (Job 31:1 NIV).
COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Within every successful marriage is an emotionally intelligent husband who shares power and decision-making with his wife and knows how to find common ground. Research has revealed that the single most important predictor of marital happiness among the women was the level of their husbands' emotional engagement with them. The sense of equality within a marriage is a critical predictor of happiness. Couples who perceive themselves as equal partners within the marriage considered their marriages happy.
According to researchers from Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, Calif., the number one sign that a couple is headed for divorce - even before they get married -- is that they make negative comments about the relationship or each other.
Research tells us that couples who are happily married are more likely to handle conflict constructively. Even during a difficult challenge in their relationship, they are likely to treat each other with respect and listen to each other.
Conflict resolution and communication skills are not hereditary and must be learned. The Bible is the best source of education on the subject. It has been said, and I think correctly, that marriage at its best is a struggle. Marriage is like continuously rubbing two jagged rocks together which will cause sparks to fly that can start a fire if not kept under control. Over time, constant friction will eventually wear down the rough surfaces and the two will perfectly fit together.
FORGIVENESS – THE KEY TO SUCCESS
For a marriage to continue and grow strong, it must flow in forgiveness. When a husband and wife who are Born-Again Christians get divorced, it broadcasts to the world that salvation is based upon works and not upon grace. As the spiritual Bride of Christ, the Born-Again Christian will have Jesus with them throughout this life, at death, and forever. This promise contains the sum and substance of all the promises of God.
Forgiving a spouse does not mean that there must be tolerance and acceptance of abusive behavior, whether mental, emotional, physical, or marital infidelity. Those types of behaviors are absolutely unacceptable and should never be tolerated by anyone. Living with the attitude of forgiveness towards the abuser is mandatory; living with the abuser is not. Forgiving another does not mean turning the other cheek and becoming their physical or emotional punching bag. It is altogether different when one is ridiculed and abused for their faith in Jesus than when they are in a personal relationship with one who is emotionally or physically abusive.
For any marriage to succeed, Born-Again partners must respond with forgiveness from the very heart of Jesus. Whether it is marital unfaithfulness, mistreatment, or any other reason, forgiveness must reign. When someone is unable to live in forgiveness with their spouse, they tell the world that the sacrifice Jesus made by shedding His blood upon the Cross is not sufficient to restore broken lives and forgive sinful hearts. Jesus said that a person must forgive another who has wronged them 490 times a day! (Matt 18:22) That is once every three minutes until it takes place!
OPTIONAL - A WORD TO SINGLES
I know that many of you have yet to be married or are currently single. This may be a surprise to you, but singleness is a gift of God's grace! That doesn't mean that some people must remain single by divine decree. It means that as long as a person is single, it is a gift from God, just as marriage is a gift if a person enters into it.
Singleness is not a punishment or a trial to endure. It is an opportunity to grow in other relationships within a person's life, and most specifically, with Jesus (James 1:2-4). It is a gift that can shape a person into what God wants them to be.
There are some significant and practical advantages to being single rather than married. Singleness provides the opportunity to have the undistracted freedom to focus on God and to be utterly content with Him and wholly consumed with pleasing Him with undivided devotion and without the concerns and challenges that come with marriage (1 Cor 7:32-35).
The gift of singleness is not about producing superior spirituality (Col 2:16-19; 1 Tim 4:1-5). There can be found great joy and purpose in singleness with celibacy (1 Cor 7:1-7). Jesus said that there are those who have chosen to remain single and celibate their entire life for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven (Matt 19:7-12).
The single person can direct all their focus on such things as prayer, preaching, teaching, evangelism, and discipleship training, etc., and learn "how to be holy in body and spirit," becoming more fully obedient through dedicating themselves wholeheartedly to both the "things of the Lord" and the Lord Himself (Matt 19:12,34; 1 Cor 7:32; Isa 56:4-5; Rom 15:17-19).
When a person focuses on getting to know Jesus more intimately, they will not struggle with rejection, low self-esteem, loneliness, fear, bitterness, worry, anxiety, or finding purpose in life (Eph 2:10).
- Dating
While a person is single, it provides a unique opportunity for them to develop a well-balanced social life that can be a support system for years to come, including in a future season of marriage. They can spend time with others without it being an official date. If they treat everyone as the Bible commands - as a brother or sister with unconditional love - they can avoid the pitfalls and expectations of formal 'dating.' Dating should be no different from being together as a family on an outing with no emotional agenda.
Dating allows a person to discover if their long-term goals align and the personality traits that are most attractive to them and those that are not. It also provides the opportunity to spend time with many different people who have the same desire to get to know Jesus above all else. They don't need to be married to feel 'complete.' The added benefit is that they will also discover what emotional and spiritual traits that are attractive to them.
Dating also helps when one day the 'right' person comes along who effortlessly produces the "Fruit of the Spirit" because they are madly in love with Jesus (Gal 5:22). The realization suddenly hits them that they can't imagine spending their life without that person in it. That makes for the best kind of marriage and becomes the grounds for a great and long-lasting relationship rather than building it on the vaporous temperamental feelings and the fleeting emotions of 'being in love.'
My advice to singles is to focus all their attention on making Jesus the love of their life, and if they still feel the need to get married, let Him choose a spouse for them. This doesn't mean "there’s someone just around the corner” for them or that God will 'provide' them with a perfect “soul mate.” However, I can say with certainty that God always gives the best to those who leave the choice with Him.
It is my personal belief that any man and woman who are fully devoted followers of Jesus can spend the rest of their life with each other and have a tremendous intimate marriage without riding on the ephemeral roller coaster called ‘emotional love.’
The essential truth of all is that God has chosen the Born-Again Christian for His own and longs to ravish them with His love, which transcends any earthy emotion, whether single or not. They are to keep their eyes fixed on Heaven. Human marriage matters, but it will not last forever (Mark 12:25). If a person remains single, they should make the most of it in undivided devotion to God. If they choose to enter into marriage, they must realize that the only perfect spouse is Jesus, the author, and finisher of their faith. Their relationship with Him, the Bridegroom King, must always come first.
CONCLUSION
The unspoken reality is that marriage, at its best, is a struggle. It can take a lifetime for two hearts of stone to be molded into one heart of flesh. Many sparks will fly, and fires started as two unique personalities try to fit together. Forgiveness is the key to success in marriage.
It is God who must be at the center of a person’s life and not their spouse. Loving one’s spouse should be a natural result of loving God with all “your heart, soul, mind, and strength” (Matt 22:35–40; Mark 12:28–34; Luke 10:27).
Human marriage reflects the relationship God wants to enjoy with His people forever. The Bible speaks of Jesus as the Bridegroom who will one day return to take His Bride, the Church, to be with Him in the perfect new creation. On that day, all pain will disappear, including the pain of a difficult marriage or the challenges of singleness. God will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and a great shout will be heard:
“Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready” (Rev. 7:17; 19:7 NIV).
