"If you cannot control your anger, you are as helpless as a city without walls, open to attack." (Prov 25:28 GNB)
Of all the emotions a human being can experience, the emotion of anger is probably the most challenging and complex of all. It can be physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually hurtful.
Freedom from Anger
Jenny had been terribly hurt and broken by the hands of another. She had been so mistreated that she could not forgive. That caused anger, hate, and bitterness to fill her whole being. She became a person she couldn't like, let alone love. She learned from reading the Bible that she must forgive, but she could not.
She knew she was in trouble, so she cried out to God for help. She went to a Church one night, but no one was there. She was so burdened with guilt and pain that she stayed and threw herself down on the floor before the altar and cried out in desperation, "Lord, I can't leave here until you take the unforgiveness and hate out of my heart. I want to have a relationship with You and to go to heaven when I die."
Suddenly, in an instant, God touched her. She felt like a boil inside of her had been cut open and cleansed of hideous puss and decay. God so filled her with His love that it felt like warm oil was flowing through her being. Instantly she began to feel love for the one that hurt her. Then she knew that she could now love anyone because forgiveness had set her free by taking her pain and anger away.
Anger can express itself in various forms, and when not directly dealt with, it can unknowingly get buried deep inside. Being stuck in a relationship of abuse or neglect can cause the suppression of anger. Suppressed anger, in time, will break out of its weak restraints and display itself in many self-destructive ways. It can turn into resentment or bitterness, gradually simmering to the boiling point—at which time it can have severely debilitating effects on mental health. This can result in low self-esteem, withdrawal, isolation, difficulty maintaining relationships, suicidal thoughts, sexual promiscuity, and/or dysfunction. Even physical problems such as migraine headaches, colitis, high blood pressure, substance abuse, lupus, and arthritis can be caused or aggravated by repressing anger.
Feeling anger is neither good nor bad, but rather a natural reaction that occurs whenever our self-esteem or self-respect is hurt or threatened. Anger is a sign that we are alive. On the other hand, hate is a sign that one is sick and in need of healing. Healthy anger can drive us to do something to change what makes us angry. It can help to make things better. The main difference between hate and anger is that hate does not want to change things for the better; it wants to make things worse.
Anger can mask feelings of helplessness, disappointment, insecurity, grief, and fear. Some people fear the possible consequences of revealing how they feel.
Anger may also feel safer than intimacy and genuine communication. It can act as a shield to protect from deeper pain and hurt. When a person walks around with their defenses up, holding onto their anger, they keep themselves from hurting too much and are then not so fearful of being hurt again.
Anger projected toward others will keep them away. If they can't get too close, there is less vulnerability. Anger may be used to try and end a relationship, but instead, the anger can actually cause the relationship to be maintained emotionally because they remain bound to the person with whom they are angry.
Many kids leave home at an early age to escape from anger and resentment they feel towards their parents. Sadly, if they don't come to the place of reconciliation and forgiveness, they will be shackled to their family by the very anger that caused them to leave home.
Think about this: some people are even too scared of anger to get angry! They think that anger is bad because they've seen what uncontrolled anger can do. They're afraid to be angry about things that may be "God's will" for their life—that they brought it upon themselves.
Some people had parents that expressed their anger with loud violence. Others grew up in an alcoholic or another type of dysfunctional home where displaying negative feelings of any kind was against house rules. Therefore, feeling anger toward someone may leave them feeling guilty and ashamed. There are those who have been physically or verbally abused by angry adults and then not allowed to vent their anger back at them.
Many children were the victims of someone getting angry at them for no apparent reason. Maybe their day went bad, or they had to wait in line too long at the grocery store, or they were cut off by a bad driver, or had a bad day at the office. As a result, the child is left with the impression that anger can take over at any time and make a person do things that they would not normally do.
Sometimes anger masks feelings that are at the root of the problem because of the feelings of fear and sadness that underlie the anger. When forgiveness enters in, God's light illuminates the truth, and gives the grace to confront the root of the problem.
The Anger Shield
Anger can also be used as a shield to help avoid dealing with hurtful past experiences. Everyone has been ridiculed or humiliated as a result of something they did. Some have been put down in front of others such as being told they're "stupid," or a "geek!" This can lead to repressed anger—not only toward the tormentor, but toward ones self as well.
One day in the fourth grade, I was participating in the painting of the various states on our playground. While bending over to paint, I remember hearing everyone laughing, and as I turned around to see what they were laughing at, I realized they were laughing at me! When I returned to the classroom, the teacher asked me how much I weighed—in front of my classmates! I'll never forget the hush that fell on the room as everyone turned their eyes on the "fat boy." I stood there, trapped by the teacher. I had to tell him something, so I lied: "I only weigh 120 pounds." (However, I knew the truth was that I weighed a lot more, and from that point on, I never felt good about my size.)
In Junior High, I was required to wear clothes that I knew no one else on the face of the planet would be caught dead wearing! Later, during my high school years, I bought my own clothes and put them on at school so I wouldn't feel like a jerk!
Events such as these can have long-lasting effects on how we view ourselves, or how we think others view us. In order to cope with them, we build invisible walls around ourselves that cling to us far into adulthood.
Some even become secure in the insecurity that may be at the heart of anger. They create situations that can cause anger, because they are more afraid of the unknown—what life might be like without the problems to which they are accustomed. The security of living with those very problems becomes safer than the insecurity of not having the problem any more because what they really fear the most is the unknown.
In the business world I had a talent for finding a problem and fixing it, or at least putting a program or process together that could overcome the problem. Perversely, I thrived on the crises and high stress situations that caused me to be angry.
One day while I was working, my immediate supervisor said, "I've noticed that although you're doing a great job fixing problems that arise, you're also creating additional crisis situations so that you can fix them, too."
It hurt to hear this, but what he was saying was that I was creating my own problems unknowingly so that I could do what I do best! I discovered that I worked better when things were haywire than when things were running smoothly! I was more at home working in stress than without it, so I unconsciously kept allowing problems to happen so that I could fix them!
Anger is a powerful emotion that can consume our energy. It has been compared to the combustion process of a car engine that produces the power to make the car move. When those explosions are under control, they will take the car safely to its destination. But, if instead of controlling the flow of gas producing the explosions in each separate cylinder – all the gas in the tank was ignited at once -- the car would blow up with us in it!
Anger is also a strong emotional reaction to threatening situations. When anger is managed correctly it can be an asset. Anger is something that can't be avoided, but it's something that can be controlled. When it rears its ugly head, it can be expressed openly and directly, or it may be kept hidden inside expressing itself as resentment.
Some will show outwardly how angry they are by yelling, slamming the door, throwing things, making threats, kicking the dog, kicking the cat, or even punching a hole in the wall. They might put others down, drive on the road like a maniac, use abusive language or hit their spouse or kids.
Indignation
Anger can also be a powerful motivator for change—such as when Jesus threw the moneychangers out of the temple! In a rare display of emotion, we find Jesus showing righteous indignation.
"In the temple courts he found men selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the moneychangers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, 'Get these out of here! How dare you turn my Father's house into a market!'" (John 2:14-16)
Indignation is anger that rises up as a result of seeing someone or something of importance to us being mistreated or suffering an injustice. Indignation is free from rage, resentment, and retaliation. It's a healthy anger that is aimed at the problem and not the person. It is anger for the right reason and expressed in the right way. It's a controlled anger that is meant to be corrective and constructive.
Indignation is the kind of anger Jesus displayed. The gospels tell of Jesus becoming angry on several occasions, but it was always of the indignation type, aimed at correcting a wrongful practice or adjusting an unhealthy attitude.
The Bible reveals reveals the kind of thing that triggered the indignation anger of Jesus.
"And He (Jesus) entered the synagogue again, and a man was there who had a withered hand. So the (Pharisees) watched him closely, whether He would heal him on the Sabbath, so that they might accuse Him. And He said to the man who had the withered hand, "Step forward." Then He said to them, "Is it lawful on the Sabbath to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?" But they kept silent. And when He had looked around at them with anger, being grieved by the hardness of their hearts, He said to the man, "Stretch out your hand." And he stretched it out, and his hand was restored as whole as the other. Then the Pharisees went out and immediately plotted with the Herodians against Him, how they might destroy Him." (Mark 3:1-6 NIV)
The Pharisees had lost their compassion for others. They didn't care about the condition of the man with the withered hand. All that mattered was maintaining blind legalistic obedience to the letter of the law. They believed their traditions were more important than easing the pain or meeting the needs of another human being. They had forgotten that "the Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath." (Mark 2:27). Jesus looked at them in anger. He was stirred with indignation at what He saw in them because He recognized their compassionless legalism.
Notice how Jesus expressed His anger;
-He didn't explode in a rage.
-He didn't call down fire from heaven on them in wrath.
-He didn't allow resentment to smolder down inside Him.
-He didn't suppress His anger.
But Jesus chose to direct His anger into carefully chosen words of response that He released in a controlled way. He didn't respond in a way that would allow them to fight back.
Positive Anger
Positive anger can cause a dramatic change in life to be made. It can cause one to quit a dead-end job, or leave a terrible relationship—or help right a social or moral injustice, such as Jesus did. However, beware! It didn't go over too well with the religious leaders and was one of the reasons they crucified Him!
In Abraham Lincoln's biography, Carl Sandburg tells the story of Lincoln as a young boy arriving in New Orleans after having traveled down the Mississippi River. As Lincoln and his companion were walking around the city, they came upon a slave market—the first he had ever seen. Families were being torn apart as their loved ones were sold like cattle at an auction. Lincoln, enraged and horrified, said to his companion, "If I ever get the chance to hit this thing, I'll hit it hard!"
For Lincoln, his anger was a motivating force to change the history of our country and right a terrible wrong. But when anger is the primary motivation for change, it creates resistance to the very change we are trying to bring about because it engenders fear in those we are trying to influence. As a result it often generates opposition rather than resolution.
Resentment
Resentment can be defined as the feeling of constant discontentment that persists even after that which caused the anger is gone. It is anger that stems from a grievance that a person suppresses over a long period of time and allows to quietly smolder down inside them. This kind of anger usually doesn't blowup, but it closes up. As it is nurtured inside the person, it produces self-pity that eventually turns to bitterness.
Resentment was what the elder son felt toward his prodigal brother and father. He had been the good son, the faithful son. He was the son who faithfully stayed at home and kept on the job. The prodigal brother was the bad, unfaithful and lazy son who traveled the world doing as he pleased.
Now that the son was back at home the father wanted to celebrate his return with a party. The elder son was overcome with anger. He resented his brother, he resented the celebration over his return, and he resented his father for receiving his wayward brother back into the family. He stubbornly refused to let go of his angry resentment and join in the festivities.
"The older brother was angry and wouldn't go in. His father came out and begged him, but he replied, `All these years I've worked hard for you and never once refused to do a single thing you told me to. And in all that time you never gave me even one young goat for a feast with my friends. Yet when this son of yours comes back after squandering your money on prostitutes, you celebrate by killing the finest calf we have." (Luke 15:28-30 NLT)
Anger that causes resentment damages the human personality and destroys relationships with others. The Bible says that "It is harder to win back the friendship of an offended brother than to capture a fortified city. His anger shuts you out like iron bars." (Prov 18:19 NIV)
Rage
Rage can be used to describe a short fused-intense-explosive-uncontrolled anger. "People with hot tempers do foolish things." (Prov 14:17 LB) It's a "fly off the handle," "let it all out temper blowout." that leaves the person and everybody around them torn to pieces. The excuse most often used is: "I just couldn't help it. It made me so angry." "I know I lose my temper real fast, but it's all over in a few minutes." People who express this type of anger are walking time bombs with hair trigger tempers ready to explode.
"A hot-tempered man starts fights and gets into all kinds of trouble." (Prov 29:22 LB)
The easiest way to control this type of anger is to be "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." (James 1:19)
Suppressed Anger
There are also ways in which anger can be shown unknowingly. This type of "suppressed anger" is used to control others through guilt or fear. Suppressed anger may get a person their way without having to acknowledge that they are angry. They may (unknowingly) be showing it by being habitually late, using sarcasm, forgetting things, accidentally damaging or losing something that belongs to others, annoying someone, sulking, not paying attention, embarrassing people, being silent, and gossiping. Such behavior is infuriating because this anger manipulates and controls others, and then they, in turn, feel angry and resentful.
Wrath
Wrath is anger that wants revenge and desires to retaliate. It wants to return the hurt or injustice the offender has caused them. It's an anger that holds a grudge. It's an "eye for an eye," or a "tooth for a tooth," "don't get even, but get ahead," "I'll think of a way to pay you back for this," type of anger.
This kind of anger is what the Pharisees felt toward Jesus. They had built their religious system by taking the laws of God and attaching hundreds of their own addendums to it, making it almost impossible to keep the original laws given by God. The truth that Jesus taught the common people of His day broke the Pharisees' power and dominating authority and caused them to seek His death.
"But they (the Pharisees) were furious, (at Jesus) and began to plot with each other what they might do to Jesus." (Luke 6:11 KJV)
Hate
Anger left unattended can turn to hate—a dangerous, deadly emotion directed toward the people who caused the hurt. It is destructive to those to whom it is directed, but, more importantly, it is damaging to the victim. It can become a cancer that slowly destroys the body and the soul.
Hate can give instant energy and empower the one who has been attacked, but ultimately, hate will turn its power against the hater. It will sap the soul's energy, leaving it weaker than before, too weak in fact to create a better life beyond the pain.
Anger that is not dealt with will consume time and energy as the painful experiences are mulled and fumed over. Holding onto anger makes it impossible to forgive people who caused the hurt, even when they have changed and want to reconcile.
James, the brother of Jesus, taught that we "should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." (James 1:19-20)
Anger can only be set free through forgiveness. This is the only way to learn how to be "angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath." (Eph 4:26 KJV)
