Tal Bonham writes about how one night he slipped a poster under
the doors of each of his two teenage sons. The poster said-
Attention teenagers!
If you are tired of being hassled by
Unreasonable parents,
Now is the time for action!
Leave home and pay your own way
While you still know everything.
His boys got the message, and they all had a good laugh. It is a
common fantasy of parents, however, to dream of the day when the
kids are all grown up and able to leave the home and make it on their
own. Bonham tells of finding the essay on When The Kids Finally
Leave Home. He does not know the original author, but he added
some of his own thoughts, and this is what he wrote: "Some day when
the kids finally leave home, things are going to be a lot different
around our house. The garage won't be cluttered with bicycles and
garbage bags on their way to trash cans. I'll be able to park both
cars in just the right places and never again stumble over
skateboards, a bag of rabbit food, and egg shells from the garbage
bags that someone forgot to tie."
"Some day when the kids finally leave home the kitchen will be
incredibly neat. The sink will stay free of dirty dishes. The garbage
disposal won't get clogged up with rubber bands, paper clips, or a
stray spoon. The refrigerator won't be crowded with 4 cartons of
milk-all opened and half used. We won't loose the tops of jelly jars or
catsup bottles anymore. The honey will stay inside the container, and
no one will wonder again what's going to explode next in the
microwave oven." He goes on like this for 8 more paragraphs and
ends up feeling lonely for the kids who have finally left home.
In a nut shell the essay is saying that you can't live with them,
and you can't live without them. Kids have always been costly to
raise, and not just in money, but in nervous energy. Imagine what it
must have been like to raise Samson, who was a giant size Dennis the
Menace. Manoah, the father of Samson, was a typical father even
though he had the most non-typical son in the Old Testament.
Samson was the strongest man in history, and so I suppose he was
taking poor Manoah down in arm wrestling by the time he was 6 or 7.
I remember that is when I realized I was not young anymore when my
son could take me in arm wrestling. Before that I was the big daddy
and sons were merely kids to play with. But when they get stronger
than you, you know they are no longer kids.
I don't know when this happened to Manoah, but it would be a
shock to have a pre-teen beat you. So Manoah had a unique child
who was one of a kind when it came to strength. But he had all the
typical battles of the typical father that we want to examine for it can
be a comfort and a challenge to see the battles he faces in fatherhood.
His first battle was the battle of-
I. INFERTILITY.
This is a common battle in the Bible and in our contemporary
world. All of the fathers of Israel had this battle-Abraham, Isaac and
Jacob. Millions of men today have a battle in becoming fathers
because of their own infertility, or that of their wives. The Bible deals
with this problem a lot so we can be aware and sympathetic with
those who long to be mothers and fathers, but who cannot because
their bodies do not function normally. In Bible times there were no
fertility drugs, and so all that people could do was to pray that God
would pave the way to parenthood.
Getting from being a non-father to becoming a father was often
the hardest battle, and it still is. I have 2 grandchildren who are the
result of a long and frustrating battle with the aid of experts.
Fatherhood and motherhood are not always easy, but are the results
of long and agonizing battles. It is important that we recognize this
and not assume that anyone can become a parent if they so choose.
Manoah's wife was sterile, and he never would have been a father but
by the grace of God. Fatherhood is a gift of God. Samson himself
never received this gift. He had a wife briefly, and he had a number
of lovers, but there is no record of any child. He is one of the greats
of faith in Heb. 11, but never a father. This is a comforting message
to those who never become fathers, because it means they can still be
great people of faith. The second battle he had was more universal.
It is the battle of-
II. INFERIORITY.
As soon as he got the word that he was to be a father he went to
God with a prayer of passion in verse 8. "O Lord, I beg you, let the
man of God you sent to us come again to teach us how to bring up the
boy who is to be born." The thought of the responsibility of raising a
son made Manoah feel like a man trying to thread a needle while
wearing boxing gloves. He didn't have a clue on what to do as a
father. He felt totally inadequate and inferior. He knew that babies
come without a set of instructions, and so he is begging God to give
him some guidance before the baby comes. Here is your typical
father who feels totally unprepared for the task of being a father.
Fathers feel this inferiority more than mothers because they do
not have any conspicuous natural relationship to the child. Mom has
the built in breast- feeding, and so she has the natural hugging and
cuddling instinct to begin with, but poor dad has to learn everything
from scratch, and so his first prayer is HELP! There is good reason
for the feeling of inferiority, for the fact is, nobody knows for sure
how to be the ideal father. There are some basics to have a shot at it,
but anything is possible in a world of free-willed beings like we are.
The Bible reveals every possibility in the genealogy of Jesus in Matt.
1:7-8.
1. Rehoboam the father of Adijah. This is a bad father begetting a
bad son.
2. Abijah begat Asa. This is a bad father begetting a good son.
3. Asa begat Jehoshaphat. This is a good father begetting a good son.
4. Jehoshaphat begat Joram. This is a good father begetting a bad
son.
The point is that fathers can do all that is right and their sons can
turn out to be rebels. Or they can do all that is wrong and their sons
can turn out to be saints. There is no necessary connection between
what a person is and how his parents did at parenting. Dr. Dobson
stresses this over and over because he sees so much unnecessary guilt
in parents with rebel children, and a lot of pride in others do not
deserve it, for they were no better parents than those with the rebels.
The father of the Prodigal Son was an ideal father, for he
represented God. But the fact is, neither of his boys earned any merit
badges for being great sons. Each was worse than the other in
different areas of life, but dad loved them both. This is the bottom
line, and Manoah learned this key lesson. He loved Samson even
though he did not always agree or approve of his behavior. God
never did send the angel back to give him a plan on how to raise his
son, but he did become a good father. Samson was something of a
rebel, but he always came to dad for help. He loved and respected his
father and wanted his approval even when he was going to marry a
Philistine girl. This incident leads us to look at the third battle
Manoah fought.
III. INCAPABILITY.
That is the inability to know what is best for your child because
you don't know what God's plan is for their life. In chapter 14
Samson comes to dad and mom telling them he has to have this
Philistine girl for his wife, and he wants their help. They, of course,
are as shocked as you would be if your son came home and announced
that he wanted to marry a Hindu Gypsy. In verse 3 they try to argue
him out of this foolishness. They say, "Isn't there an acceptable
woman among your relatives or among all our people? Must you go
to the uncircumcised Philistines to get a wife?"
All parents assume they know what is the best type of mate for
their children, and often they are right, but in this case God had a
special plan for Samson, and he wanted this marriage to be arranged.
In verse 4 we read, "His parents did not know that this was from the
Lord, who was seeking an occasion to confront the Philistines." God
has plans for children that dads are incapable of knowing, and the
result is that dads often fight the will of God for their children.
Monoah did for a while, but he decided to go along with Samson's
wishes when he could not be talked out of it.
This is a very touchy area of fatherhood. How do you know when
to give in to a child's independence and let them choose their own
direction? This is very hard for fathers to do, and many of a father
has failed here because of their incapability of understanding that
God's plan differs from their own dreams. Take the father of Leslie
Fallan for example. He is the wealthy owner of a West Coast
drugstore chain. When his daughter Leslie chose to earn a master's
degree in art history he was furious. "What a waste," he shouted at
her. "What money is there in that?" She began to write articles
about Los Angeles opera, ballet, and symphony. She finally got a
by-line on the front page of the Times. She was ecstatic and phoned
her father to share the good news. All he could ask her was, "How
much did they pay you?"
Free-lance writers do not get much, but she was thrilled to get
this front- page scoop. Her father's obsessions with money as the only
thing that mattered caused her to hang up and never call him again.
Leslie went on to write 4 books, hundreds of articles, and she became
a success in her chosen field. But she has never talked to her father
since that day of his rejection of her choice of professions. His failure
to be supportive made him a failure as a father. This kind of
foolishness is more common than you would ever dream. The world
is filled with successful people who have no relationship with their
father because dad did not like their choice. Manoah did not like
Samson's choice either, but he was wise enough not to ruin their
relationship over it.
Our heavenly Father does not slam the door on us and say to
never return if you are going to make that stupid decision. He keeps
the door open always no matter how many foolish things we choose,
for He is ready at all time to welcome the Prodigal home and
celebrate that return. God does not say, as so many fathers do,
choose my way or we are through. The father loved both the Prodigal
Son and the self-righteous elder son. They were both failures as
persons, and they made terrible choices, but dad never shut the door
on either of them. That is being a successful father. It is being one
who loves his kids no matter how many choices they make that he
does not like. Edgar Guest has always been one of my favorite poets,
but sometimes poetry can be very superficial, as in the case of his
poem on the successful father. It is true and relevant to millions, but
it assumes that if your child is not in an honored place that you are
not successful.
"Old man Green you've never heard of.
Papers never used a word of
Him or anything he did.
Seems as though his light was hid-
Just a carpenter who made
Odds and ends and liked his trade.
But somehow his wife and he
Managed it most faithfully
And with what small sum he earned
Many things his children learned.
"Those Green boys," the teachers said,
"Have the stuff to get ahead."
That is all there is to tell,
Boys and girls are doing well.
Each with courage and with grace
Fills in life and honored place.
This the old man's praise, if needed,
"As a father he succeeded."
The fact is, the father of the Prodigal and elder son was a great
success, as was Manoah, because they loved their sons when they were
not in honored places, but despised places, and making choices that
were not approved. Any dad can love his kids when they are choosing
just what he desires that they choose. The real heroes are those
fathers who go on loving and helping their children when they are
making, what is to them, all the wrong choices.
In chapter 14 we are told that Manoah went with Samson to see
the girl he chose. He did not say, "Go ahead if you must and marry
this Gentile dog, but don't expect me to ever gaze on her face." I
know Christian fathers who have said this kind of thing, and they cut
themselves off from their children and grandchildren. Somewhere
they got the idea that fathers are people who get their own way or
they don't play the game. This is not wise fatherhood. When Manoah
could not persuade Samson to change his mind he said, "Okay, I'll
support you in your choice and help you make it work." Bad choices
can still work out if people love and cooperate. Many marriage fail
because the family does all it can to fulfill their own prophecy that it
won't work.
Manoah said, "I don't like it, but I'll help my son make the best of
his choice." Here we see the ability of a father to be tender and
loving even if he is incapable of understanding the plan of God. This
is an example of love never failing. You cannot go wrong if you love,
even if you don't like and don't understand what is going on. Fathers
can be just as compassionate as mothers. Mothers tend to get all the
credit for tender mercy, but dads can match it if they chose.
President Franklin Roosevelt had a son named Elliot who often
provoked his parents to acts of judgment. He wrote of one such
occasion: "I remember when I did get punished. Mother use to take
me to father's study, sit me down, and say, 'Franklin, this has gone far
enough. You have to teach Elliot a lesson.'
After mother left, father would instruct me to yell while he beat the
daylights out of his desk with a ruler. Soon mother, hearing my
anguished cries, would run back in, begging father to stop." Here
was a case where dad was merciful on a level that was even ahead of
the mother.
Manoah was incapable of making things go his way. He was
incapable of changing Samson's mind. He was incapable of knowing
the will of God in this unusual situation. But the one thing he was not
incapable of was the choosing to love, and this is the choice he made.
That is what makes him a good and successful father. Every father is
incapable in many ways, but every father is also capable of making
the best choice of loving their children regardless of their choices.
The battle of fatherhood never changes. Here is a description of
children: "Children now love luxury, they have bad manners,
contempt for authority, they show disrespect for elders and love to
chatter in place of exercise.
Children are now tyrants not slaves of the household.
They no longer rise when an elder enters a room, they contradict
their parents, chatter before company, gobble up their food at the
table, cross their legs and tyrannize their teachers."
This is not a report from your local PTA, but it is the reported
complaint of Socrates in 400 B. C. The battle of fatherhood has
always been the same. God has had to love disobedient children from
the beginning because that is the only kind there was to love. It has
never been different, and never will be until the new heaven and new
earth. So earthly fathers need to learn to love unlovely children to be
God-like fathers. Samson made a lot of mistakes, and though he was
a hero, he was also a moral failure, and sometimes downright stupid.
But he had a father who never forsook him, but let him know that he
was loved and supported. That is what every child needs and
deserves from a father.
One of the things that has impressed me is the number of people
who have told me of the long-range impact on their lives of negative
remarks they received as a child. One told of being compared with
her sister. "That is the pretty one," they said as they pointed to the
sister. This woman felt inferior the rest of her life because of that
remark. Every adult needs to recognize that children take words
seriously, and you may be kidding and mean nothing by it, but if you
say something negative about a child it can influence them for life.
Dads especially need to be positive in the words they say to and about
their children. God is to be our example. He did not say a lot to
Jesus when He was on earth in the flesh, but what He did say was
always positive and supportive. At His baptism the heavens opened
and a voice said, "You are my Son, whom I love, with you I am well
pleased." Then on the Mount of Transfiguration God spoke from the
cloud, "This is my Son, whom I love. Listen to Him."
Jesus received praise and approval from His Father in heaven.
This is a gift you cannot buy. John Drescher, one of the greatest
authors of the 20th century, says that if he could go back and raise his
children over he would be more free to express words of praise and
appreciation. Children need to be scolded too, but few parents give
adequate praise for the good behavior of children. Drescher writes,
"Probably no other thing encourages a child to love life, to seek
accomplishment, and to gain confidence more than proper, sincere
praise." He says another thing that fits Manoah. Samson always saw
his father and mother united and never divided. Drescher says that
the number one thing a child needs to see is that dad loves mom. This
gives a child a sense of security and stability they can gain in no other
way. The best training you can give your child as a father is letting
them see how much you love their mother. Your kindness and
thoughtfulness to her will have a greater impact on them than
anything else you do.
Samson is not portrayed as the best son, but his father is
portrayed as a good father. In spite of his inferiority and incapability
he loved Samson's mother, and he loved his son. He gave him his
support, and we see that the key to being a successful father is simply
being a supportive father.
