In any relationship, at some point there is bound to be conflict, and the closer we are to someone, the more likely that we will have disagreements over various issues. This is because as human beings, each one of us are different in our personalities, temperaments, up-bringing, and we each have our own values and priorities. Conflict therefore is unavoidable, and conflict in itself is not harmful. Nonetheless, if conflict is not handled in the appropriate way, it could certainly destroy relationships that have taken years to build.
Some of the reasons for conflict are, lack of communication or miscommunication, assumptions, ego, unrealistic expectations, envy, misunderstandings, lack of trust, resentment, bitterness, grudges, difference of opinion and faulty judgement, to name a few.
It is also interesting to note that different people deal with conflict in varied ways. Some will argue, some justify themselves, others will get angry, there are those who will become silent and withdrawn, some will cut off from those whom they have conflict with, others will pretend that the conflict does not exist, and there are those who will internalize these hurts. There are some who might try and sort out the issue with the person concerned in an amicable way. In my experience most of us have not learned to resolve conflict in the way that we are supposed to. The bible teaches us the way God wants us to deal with these differences, and also shows us the right way to handle situations of disagreement or discord that come our way.
There are some wonderful examples from the bible, of those who handled conflict both in the Old and the New Testament. .
Abraham and Lot
In Genesis 13:5-13 there was a conflict between Abraham’s herdsmen and Lot’s herdsmen. Abraham dealt with this issue in such a mature way, when he let Lot choose to depart from him peacefully. Abraham also most graciously gave Lot the freedom to choose to go to the left or to the right. Lot chose the plain of Jordan because it was well-watered, and Abraham went the other way. The call and promise of God was to Abraham, and Lot was only a tag-along, but Abraham was generous to let go of Lot, and let go of the land, simply to avoid strife between them. What happened as a result was that God blessed Abraham abundantly while Lot ended up in Sodom, which later got destroyed by God’s judgement.
Isaac and the Philistines
We read in Genesis 26 of how Isaac prospered in the land of the Philistines during the reign of King Abimelech. As the land was struck with severe famine, the Philistines either quarreled with Isaac about the wells he had dug, or filled them up with dirt and stopped them. Isaac was so magnanimous, that he moved on and dug other wells instead of fighting over the ones he had dug. Isaac was strong and wealthy, and could have confronted his enemies, but he willingly let go, and God blessed him more and more.
We read in Genesis 26:12, “Then Isaac sowed in that land, and received in the same year an hundredfold: and the LORD blessed him.” (KJV)
Joseph and his brothers
Joseph was envied, hurt, treated harshly, and sold as a slave by his own brothers. However, Joseph decided to extend unconditional forgiveness to his brothers instead of taking revenge on them, though it was in his power to do so. Genesis 37-50 gives a detailed account of the life of Joseph and his amazing attitude towards his brothers, who did him so much harm. Faced with a choice to either punish his brothers or forgive them, Joseph decided to extend love and forgiveness to his brothers.
Saul and David
From 1 Samuel 17 we read the account of King Saul being filled with envy and rage against David, simply because he realized that God was with David, and He gave David fame and victory. As Saul made several attempts to kill David and pursued him relentlessly with a vengeance, David chose to escape from the hands of Saul every time. Not once did David try to retaliate or harm King Saul in any way, though David had many opportunities to do so. David respected the anointing of God on King Saul, and God honored David, and elevated him to be the King of Israel.
King Solomon and the two women
In 1 Kings 3:16-28, we read about an account, of two women who had given birth to baby boys within a gap of few days. One of them accidently slept over her baby and he died. She then quickly exchanged her dead son for the other woman’s baby, and claimed him to be her own. When this conflicting issue was brought before King Solomon, He used his God-given wisdom to find a solution to the same. Solomon then ordered that the baby be cut in two and be given to both of them. While the baby’s real mother begged that the baby be given whole to the other woman, the other woman had no issues to have the king divide the baby. It was very obvious to King Solomon from their reactions as to who the real mother was, and thereby he quickly settled the dispute and handed over the baby to his birth mother.
How the early church dealt with their differences
In Acts Chapter 15 when there arose an issue about the circumcision of the Gentile believers, we see how Paul and Barnabas met with the apostles and elders, and came up with an amicable solution.
At the end of Acts 15:36-40, we read about a strong difference of opinion that arose between Paul and Barnabas over John Mark. When Barnabas decided to take John Mark, Paul decided to move on, taking Silas along with him. Though they had a strong dissension, they parted ways amicably, and continued the ministry that God had entrusted to them.
We also read in Philemon about the incident where Onesimus who was a slave, ran away from his master Philemon. When Onesimus became a believer, Paul intervened and sent a letter of recommendation, asking Philemon to be reconciled, and to accept Onesimus back to himself.
Jesus’ principle to deal with conflict
Jesus gave an explicit step-by-step way to handle conflict in Matthew 18:15-17. Here are the steps that Jesus mentioned, to deal with someone who has offended us in any way.
1. The first step is to go to the person, one-on-one, and try to sort out our differences. There are those who appreciate this, and will immediately apologize or clarify, to set things right so that the relationship is restored.
2. If someone is not willing to be reconciled in the first step, then Jesus suggested that we go to step two, where we take two or three people along with us as witnesses, to try and reason out with the person concerned.
3. There may be those who are hard and unwilling to yield, even after this second step when a small group has confronted them. In that case, Jesus said this matter should then be brought up to the church as a whole.
4. What if the person is still unrepentant and stubborn, has no remorse, and will not yield even to the entire church? Jesus taught that such a person should be treated as an unbeliever, and no one should bother about them anymore.
When many of us have a conflict with someone, we often skip the first two steps, and settle in for the last one. We often decide to ignore the person, and not to have anything to do with them. These steps that Jesus taught may sound simple, but in practice, these are hardly followed. As those who belong to the Lord Jesus, we should never let our conflicts become so huge, that we have to go to the court of law, to have these issues sorted out. By doing so, we will fail to be good examples to those around us.
Here are some helpful tips that would help us resolve conflict based on all the examples that we looked at:
• Let’s make it our goal to live at peace with others as much as possible
• We must keep in mind that relationships are more important than our egos
• Do everything possible to sort things out with those who we have issues with
• Forgiveness is the key, and we must be willing to forgive others from our heart
• Never try to get even and look for opportunities to pay back
• When tempers are flaring, take time off, and look for a peaceful time to talk, and sort things out
• Ask God for wisdom to handle conflict in a godly way
• We must make every effort to maintain unity, and never be the cause for division
• The first step, is to try and settle things one-on-one
• If there is someone unwilling to oblige, no matter how hard we try, we just have to let go of them.
• Commit the situation to God in prayer and let Him deal with that person.
The Lord encourages us in Ephesians 4:3, “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”(NIV) Someone said it this way, “The goal of resolving conflict in a relationship is not victory or defeat. It’s reaching understanding, and letting go of our need to be right.” Let’s do all we can to resolve conflict, and live at peace with everyone.
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Esther Collins
