SEX: GUARD YOUR HEART—Exodus 20:14; Proverbs 5, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7
I once saw a cartoon: Moses is coming down from the mountain, and he says to the people, “I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that I got him down to 10. The bad news is that #7 is still in there.”
The seventh commandment is, “Do not commit adultery.” Actually, most Americans think it is a pretty good one. According to a 2017 Gallup poll, only 9% say adultery is morally acceptable. Whether they believe in the sanctity of marriage or they recognize that adultery is a cruel betrayal of vows of commitment, they recognize the seriousness of adultery.
Yet many have a narrow view of what constitutes adultery. One third don’t see anything wrong with a married person maintaining a dating profile. About half say sending flirtatious messages is OK for a married person.
In addition, many people don’t think that what the Bible says about adultery applies to those who are not married. If the seventh commandment is not clear about that, the apostle Paul is quite clear: “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality [Greek word “porneia,” the root of “pornography”]; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7)
Why does God say that? Does God have something against enjoying life and satisfying desires?
God invented sex! In fact, he gave us the desires that drive us toward relationships, pleasure, and intimacy. But God has a greater vision of sex as part of a lifetime of commitment and joy: Read Proverbs 5:1-21.
God gives us a vision of a family, gathering to celebrate 50 or 60 years of devoted marriage. The children are there with the grandchildren, and grandpa and grandma share a dance or gaze into each other’s eyes, their love stronger than it was when they first began. The grandkids don’t know the struggles and temptations, the uncertainty and doubt, even the failures and forgiveness, of all those years. They only hope that it is possible to share a lifetime of faithful love.
Sadly, not too many people will be able to celebrate that way. Some will lose a mate, and some will lose a marriage. Some will face challenges and fail to overcome them. Yet God gives this commandment to help us achieve his best for us, wherever we are in life.
WHY does God give this commandment? (“You shall not commit adultery.”)
• God loves us.
Genesis 2 says that God looked at Adam, and said, “It is not good for Adam to be alone.” So God gave him Eve, not only as a playmate, but as a mate. God’s intention is stated in Genesis 2:24, “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Adam and Eve were united in flesh, but their unity was also emotional, spiritual, and eventually public.
God intends for sex between humans to be part of a relationship involving the whole person: physically, emotionally, spiritually, and legally. The emotional intimacy feeds the physical intimacy. The public commitment breeds security and trust. The physical desires draw people back together when they drift apart. That is God’s plan.
When people try to split apart the elements of marriage, that whole-person oneness is lost. Physical acts without committed love devalue persons, as Proverbs 6:26 says, “The prostitute REDUCES YOU to a loaf of bread.” An “emotional affair” brings inevitable frustration, as emotional intimacy is separated from the practical goals and priorities of a marriage relationship. Couples who live together without marriage are missing the security and community support of a public commitment.
In our culture, many are trying to build a marriage in pieces. They start with sex, then a vacation together, then moving in and maybe taking on a mortgage. Finally he buys a big ring and arranges a proposal worthy of sharing on Instagram, and they are “engaged.” When they get the time and money, they have a lavish wedding, with 20 attendants and a great venue. Somewhere in there, they decide the relationship is going to last a long time, and they have kids.
God makes it so much simpler! “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” A man and a woman take a deep breath, and decide they are ready to take a leap of faith to share the rest of their lives together. The ring he buys might not be the biggest, and the wedding might be a simple affair, but the people who matter are there to support them. Together, they learn the joys of whole-person intimacy, in the security of knowing they are in this adventure together, come what may. They share financial decisions, make friends together, and if kids come along, they have even more opportunities to share the adventures of life together.
I realize that some people feel an ideal marriage is out of reach for them. Some women have given up on ever finding a decent guy who loves them. Some men or women feel stuck in a marriage to the wrong person. Some are vainly looking for an impossible someone who “completes them” and fixes every problem in life. Some struggle with their sexual identity, or with scars that make love difficult. If you are one of those people, and you feel justified in breaking God’s law in a search for fulfillment, I have to tell you that you will not find fulfillment by disobeying God. I can also tell you that God gives us his law, and puts up the boundaries of his word, to protect us from harm and evil, and to make our lives the best they can be.
Yet some people will say, “It’s my life. It’s not like I’m going out to kill somebody, or steal their stuff. Why does God care what I do privately with another person?
• God loves other people too.
Malachi 2:14-15 says, “The LORD is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.”
Most people understand that adultery is an act of betrayal. The one who is betrayed feels powerless, but Almighty God stands with him or her! The covenant of marriage protects the man and woman who make the vow to be faithful as long as they both shall live.
Of course, most people who have an affair have excuses to justify themselves: The marriage wasn’t as good as they wanted it to be, they didn’t intend to get caught up in the affair, they got carried away in the moment, or they found their “soulmate.” God doesn’t leave room for excuses.
Are there times for separation, or even breaking marriage vows in divorce? Yes, when there is abuse, or when the other partner refuses to continue in a committed relationship. There may even be times when the relationship is so toxic that breaking apart the marriage is less sinful or destructive than what the people are doing to each other when they are together. But adultery is never a positive solution to a bad marriage. God expects people to give 100% to their marriage.
Unfaithfulness is betrayal, not only of a spouse, but what Malachi calls “offspring.” Over 50% of children in America will spend time with one or both of their biological parents absent from the home, usually because of the parents splitting or never being together in the home. Studies show a correlation between missing parents and poverty, drug abuse, gang involvement, and poorer performance in school. Some families beat the odds, and they are to be commended. (My unmarried niece has adopted two children, and they have been blessed with her as a parent and her parents as grandparents.) But God tells his people that they must do everything possible to preserve marriage, and to maintain a healthy relationship between the parents.
What if you don’t have a spouse and kids? Maybe you aren’t yet married. Maybe your kids are grown, and you are widowed. Maybe marriage is out of the question, because of sexual orientation. Why should God care about your behavior?
God says that marriage between a man and a woman is the foundation of a healthy society. It is not just about you, or you and another person, or you and the people in your immediate family; it is about everybody. Every Christian should ask, “Do my actions support the institution of marriage, or do they undermine it?”
WHY does God give this commandment? He loves people, and the commandment is necessary for a community in which people thrive.
HOW can we keep this commandment?
It might seem to be pretty easy: Just don’t do it. Yet many people who fall into adultery never thought it would happen to them. Even more find themselves in a relationship that is not physical, but wrong nonetheless. Many men, as well as women, struggle with pornography or consuming sexual fantasies.
Jesus told us that the commandment is about the mind as well as the body. In the Sermon on the Mount, he says, "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28) There is a difference between noticing physical attractiveness and appreciating opposite sex, or dwelling on those thoughts and thinking about what you wish could happen. Yet if thoughts can be sinful, most of us recognize how difficult it is to keep this commandment.
What can we do to overcome temptation?
• Guard your heart
Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” The heart represents who we are, and who we want to be. It encompasses our mind, our body, and our soul.
Guard your mind. There are images that, once you see them, you can’t unsee them. There are fantasies you can’t forget. You can’t avoid all of those, but you can avoid some of them.
What do you do when you can’t get those things out of your mind? They might be quite powerful, even controlling or addictive. It usually doesn’t work to tell yourself not to think about something. (Try it: Don’t think about doughnuts…Don’t think about doughnuts…) A better approach is to fill your mind with things that are good. Philippians 4:8 says, “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.” Fill your thoughts with good things: exercise, hobbies, your job, your family. Think about your marriage, and the people you love and care about. Think about God, and the fellowship you share with him when your mind is pure. Set your heart on the good gifts God gives.
Guard your body. Paul points out our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. (1 Cor. 6:19) We should not use our bodies to flirt inappropriately, by dress or body language or suggestive talk, or a lingering touch. That is a dangerous game, which leads to no good.
Guard your soul. Your soul is not separate from your body; it is your identity, your essence. Some young people think that the years before they get married don’t count; they will settle down someday, and then be faithful to their spouse. Your soul is being formed from the day you are born to the day you die. Guard your soul.
“Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”
• Control your environment.
Of course, we can’t control everything. We are bombarded by sexual images, and we can’t avoid the temptations of life. You could lock yourself in a monastery, but you still wouldn’t be safe from temptation. However, if we are wise, we will set ourselves up for success.
Avoid dangerous situations. If you put two college students alone in a room, fooling around on a bed, they might be able resist temptation—but why set them up that way? If you go to a party, drink quite a bit, and others are hooking up, you probably put yourself at unnecessary risk.
Some situations are hard to avoid. Billy Graham had a rule never to be alone with a woman; considering his notoriety and the paparazzi, that was probably necessary. Workplace realities today might require men and women to work closely together and even travel together. What gets people in trouble is usually the extra time spent together, the bottle of wine, the private conference in a hotel room, or the physical or emotional boundaries that are crossed.
Emotional boundaries are as important as physical boundaries. Some thoughts and feelings are too personal to share without creating too much emotional intimacy. Speaking disparagingly about your mate, or agreeing that the other person’s significant other is not sensitive or caring, opens a void that might be filled between you. Affirmation that goes beyond business to personal appreciation might be OK in another setting, but misleading to both of you in the wrong setting.
Boundaries can be good, but sometimes a more positive approach is necessary. It is possible to have healthy friendships with people of the opposite sex, if we maintain wholesome minds and healthy habits. Paul said to Timothy (1 Timothy 5:2) “[Treat] older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.” Sometimes you may feel an attraction, and you don’t need to feel guilty for that, but you do need to steer it in the right direction. An attraction is not your destiny! (You’re smitten? God says, “So, your point is…?”) Redirect your love toward the kind of love you feel for a sister or brother. Love and pray for their spouse, support them in their marriage, while you keep the boundaries even stronger than you would otherwise.
Rules alone will not keep you out of dangerous situations; you have to know yourself, and be honest about your situation. Are you enjoying the encounter a little too much? Do you feel something you can’t explain? Do you look forward to spending time with someone? Are they a little too nice to you? Back off if you need to.
If you are married, there is another environment that is just as important, or more: your own marriage. Tend your own garden, and you won’t be as inclined to pick the vegetables in another one. Talk with your spouse, and share not only what you are doing, but how you feel about things. Affirm your spouse, not only for their sake, but for yours. Take time to enjoy life together, and celebrate what you have. Plan for physical fulfillment, and send them a text once in a while. Tell other people, especially people of the opposite sex, how much you appreciate your spouse and the life you share together.
• Seek God’s help.
Sexual temptations can be very strong, and we need God’s help. The time to seek God’s help is not in the heat of the moment, but in times like right now.
God helps us become healthy. Some people turn to sex or fantasy or an affair to try to fill loneliness, insecurity, or spiritual emptiness. God can supply our needs: security, fulfillment, love for people, and a vision for a life that is pleasing to God.
When the pressures of temptation become great, we can remind ourselves of a truth that should strike us with holy fear: Proverbs 5:21 “Your ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all your paths.” No one else may see, but God sees.
When the devil tells you lies, God’s truth will put you back on track. Proverbs 5:3-4 “The lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword.” What tempts you may drip honey, but its end will be bitter. What might you lose? Respect, stability, trust, faithful love, even financial security. What might you gain, if you overcome temptation? Self-respect, character, true love, and an impact on your family and church and community. That is God’s truth.
This commandment, like all of the commandments, sends us to God for help. If we understand what God expects, we recognize our weakness and sin. (If there is a man here who hasn’t lusted after a woman, or a woman who hasn’t fantasized about someone, or a married person who hasn’t given half-hearted effort to their marriage at some point…Well, good for you.) We need a Savior, and thank God, we have a Savior!
Our first step is full commitment to Jesus Christ as Lord. We trust him enough to obey him, in every area of life.
If we sin, we don’t wallow in our sin; we confess our sin and failure honestly, and ask God for forgiveness. After King David sinned, he wrote a prayer of repentance in Psalm 51:10-12 “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”
Through Christ, we are forgiven, clean and pure, and we have a fresh start. We are not oppressed by fear or shame; we are clean and whole before God, and we want to stay that way.
Knowing our weakness, we invite the Holy Spirit into the depths of our heart, to root out sin, heal brokenness, and strengthen our passion for God and his ways. As the Spirit leads, we truly repent by doing whatever it takes to overcome temptation. We make radical changes if we need to, and we continual seek God’s help.
Together with Christian friends, we pray for holy and healthy relationships for those we love, in marriage and singleness, in families, in the church, and at work or school. We build positive relationships, set high standards, and support each other in our resolve to honor God.
By the grace of God, and the power the Holy Spirit, we can overcome sin and experience the best life God has for us. Thank you Jesus!
