Valentine’s Day 2016
Scott Bayles, pastor
Blooming Grove Christian Church: 2/14/16
Happy Valentine’s Day! Or, for those of you who don’t have a date, happy Singles Awareness Day. When Ashley and I first got married, I used to make a big deal out of Valentine’s Day, but things change a little when you’ve got kids. Romance is a little tougher. I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing I want to see is a chubby toddler coming at me with a bow and arrow.
I wonder how many of you know the story behind the origins of Valentine’s Day. Despite popular opinion, it’s not an invention of Hallmark and Hershey. And it is called Saint Valentine’s Day for a reason. (I shared this story about 4 years ago…)
Around 250 A.D., there lived a priest by the name of Valentine. He lived in Rome during the reign of Emperor Claudius, who was committed to rebuilding the once-great Roman army. However, Claudius believed that men would fight more valiantly if they volunteered for service, rather than being drafted against their will. But, given a choice, most young men in the Roman Empire refused to serve. They’d rather stay at home with their wives and children than go off into battle.
Claudius came to believe that only single men would volunteer for service, so he issued a royal edict that banned all further marriages. He actually outlawed weddings in the Roman Empire, earning himself the nick-name Claudius the Cruel.
Valentine thought it was ridiculous! One of his favorite duties as a priest was to marry people. So after Emperor Claudius passed his law, Valentine secretly continued performing marriage ceremonies. He would whisper the words of the ceremony, while listening for soldiers on the steps outside.
One night, Valentine did hear footsteps at his door. The couple he was marrying escaped, but he was caught. He was thrown in jail and sentenced to death. Valentine tried to stay cheerful. Many of the young couples he had married came to visit him in jail. They threw flowers and notes up to his window. They wanted him to know that they, too, believed in love and marriage.
One day, the daughter of one of the prison guards paid Valentine a visit. They sat and talked for hours. Over time, they grew very fond of each other and on the day Valentine was executed, he left her a note thanking her for her friendship and loyalty. He signed it, “Love, your Valentine.” That note started the custom of exchanging love notes on Valentine’s Day. It was written on the day he died, February 14, 269 A.D.—a day set aside in honor of a man who gave his life because he believed in the splendor and sacredness of marriage.
Not too many people believe in that anymore.
In his book Sex Begins in the Kitchen, marriage and family psychologist Kevin Leman tells the story of a little boy who was once asked by one of his neighbors, “Is your sister still dating that nice young man? They always seemed so much in love.”
“Not anymore,” he replied, “They hardly even talk to each other these days.”
“Oh,” said the neighbor lady, “I’m so sorry to hear that they broke up.”
“They didn’t breakup,” the boy told her, “they go married!”
Someone once said, “Marriage is nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.” Sadly, that’s how many of us view marriage these days.
A guy ran into his buddy outside of the pet store and said, “I just got this golden retriever for my wife.” He friends asked, “Do they have anymore? I’d like to trade my wife in for one of those.”
The truth is—if you do marriage right, it’s like heaven on earth. If you do it wrong, well… you can figure that out. In honor of Saint Valentine’s Day, I’d like to share a passage of Scripture with you that can revolutionize your relationship.
The passage I want to look at is Ephesians 5:25-30. This passage is addressed specifically to husbands. But that doesn’t mean the rest of you should just tune out for next twenty minutes.
In fact, wives, you probably want to take some notes because you might want to remind your husband about this message later on. Single guys and young men, you want to pay attention because this passage describes the kind of love you ought to have for you future wife. And, young women, you’ll want to pay extra attention, because this passage will supply you with a standard by which you should measure every future relationship. If a man does not treat you with the kind of love this passage describes, then he is not a man you want to marry.
If everybody is tuned in, let’s see what God’s Word says to husbands:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:25-33 NIV)
This is both a beautiful picture and at the same an intimidating proposition for any Christian husband. God tells us that our relationship with our wife is much more than just any human relationship. Marriage is a symbol of the relationship between God and his people and, as such, we as men have the awesome and solemn responsibility of modeling Christ’s love toward his people in our relationship with our wife.
So the question is—how does Christ love the church? And—what does that look like in the context of marriage. As I read this passage I see three qualities or characteristics of Christ’s love that ought to be reflected in the way I love my wife.
First, a husband’s love should be sacrificial.
• SACRIFICAL LOVE
When we think of Christ’s sacrifice for the church we immediately think about the cross. And rightfully so. Look at verse 25 again: “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it” (Ephesians 5:25 NCV). Jesus loved you and me so much that he literally gave his life for us. He chose to die on the cross to win our hearts. If that is our example, how do we apply that? I doubt if any of us will ever be called to literally die for our wives, so how do we love sacrificially?
Sacrificial love will look different in every marriage, but it will always involve giving of yourself for your wife. Judy Rogers of Westerville, Ohio know a little something about that. Several years ago, she wrote in to Guideposts with this story:
In the fourth year of his layoff from his job, Dad gave Mom a dishwasher for Christmas. You have to understand the magnitude of the gift: Our old house had its original wiring and plumbing, and neither could handle the required installation. There was no spot in the small kitchen for such a large appliance. And we hadn’t even been able to meet the mortgage interest payments for over six months. But Dad hated the thought of washing dishes; he would rather do anything else. And Mom had undergone major surgery that spring and found it difficult to do any work requiring the use of her arms. No large box appeared, no new plumbing or wiring was installed, no remodeling of the kitchen occurred. Rather, a small note appeared on a branch of the Christmas tree, handwritten by Dad: “For one year I will wash all of the dirty dishes in this household. Every one.” And he did. He really did.
Put simply, sacrificial love is about putting your wife before yourself. Life after marriage is not about me; it’s about we. That can mean a lot of things.
That may mean sacrificing your need to be right. There are times when you just know you are right and your spouse is wrong. Right? The argument can go on and on, for days, when you feel it is necessary to be right. But a smart man once said, “You can be right or you can be married, you can’t be both.”
That may mean sacrificing sleep. This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but anyone who has had a newborn in the house knows how important sleep is. There are times when your spouse needs you to be awake, either to listen, to help with a project, or to be present in the moment.
Maybe it means sacrificing a fishing/hunting trip so that your wife can attend a weekend conference. Maybe it means taking the baby to the nursery during church so that she can actually be feed spiritually. It might mean giving up a hobby that you enjoy in order to spend more time with your family or working overtime in order to provide for her and the kids. Examples are endless.
Christ's love for the church is without limits; nothing is held back. When you sacrifice for your wife, it tells her that she’s important to you. It shows her that you love her. But sacrifice is just the first characteristic of Christ’s love.
• SANCTIFYING LOVE
Furthermore, a husband’s love should be sanctifying. The second half of this verse says, “He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.” (Ephesians 5:25-27 NLT). Jesus died so that you and I could have a meaningful relationship with God—so that we could become holy and righteous in his eyes.
Guys your wife needs you to love her like that. She needs you to be the spiritual leader of your home. Far too many men in the church have abandoned their role as spiritual leader. They sit at home while mom gets the kids up on Sunday morning and goes to church. Or maybe they attend church but they never really take their relationship with God seriously, leaving their wife with the tremendous burden of carrying her own cross as well as the husband’s and the kid’s.
Your number one goal as a husband should be the spiritual vitality of your family. Think about the very first husband and wife. Way back in the Garden of Eden Adam had one job—protector of the garden. That was his job, but he failed. He fell down on the job. You know how I know that? The Bible says that when the serpent tempted Eve with the forbidden fruit, “she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her” (Genesis 3:6 NIV). She didn’t have to go looking for him. He was right there the whole time. He just watched her being tempted. He watched her disobey God. And he did nothing. He should have stomped on that snake the second it started talking! But he didn’t. He just watched his wife fall into sin. And when God caught them, he blamed his wife for the whole thing. He was a coward. He didn’t care about his wife’s relationship with God. He didn’t think it was his responsibility to present her holy and blameless before God.
Far too many men are still following in his footsteps.
Guys, if you would start taking your faith seriously, start growing in Christ and leading your family in the same direction—it can totally change the climate of your marriage. It can save a troubled marriage or take a good marriage and make it great.
If you’re not sure where to start, just start by praying together with your wife. Prayer is a powerful thing. Prayer not only opens communication between you and God, it strengthens the bonds of marriage. A Gallup study of 657 married couples, which was conducted for Psychology Today found that couples who pray together daily had a significantly lower divorce rate than those who didn’t pray together. In other words, “Couples that pray together, stay together.” Praying together as a couple encourages unity, promotes intimacy, and most importantly, it invites God into your relationship.
If you really love your wife, you will guide her and lead her out of sin and into a life-altering relationship with God. Sanctifying love wants you to be the best you possible, the you God intended for you to be. Finally in addition to sacrifice and sanctification, Christ loves us with a sensitive love.
• SENSITIVE LOVE
Christ-like love involves sensitive care, and Paul expressed that idea this way: “Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies… No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church” (Ephesians 5:28-29 NLT).
We take care of our bodies constantly—giving them whatever food, clothing, comfort, recreation, relaxation, or rest they need. We’re attentive to our own bodies, concerned with their needs, sensitive and responsive to whatever they desire.
That is the kind of love Paul commanded husbands to show their wives. Basically, her needs or desires, whether they are financial, physical, emotional or spiritual, must receive your full attention. In this way, you can love her and provide for her, just as much as you do for yourself.
So what are these needs and how can we be more sensitive to them? In his best-selling book, His Needs / Her Needs, Dr. Willard Harley identifies five basic emotional needs that women typically expect their husbands to fulfill. Although every woman is unique, these five needs consistently surface. A woman’s five most basic needs in marriage tend to be:
1. Affection – to most women affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval; vitally important commodities in her eyes. Husbands can show affection in numerous ways: a hug, a greeting card, a bouquet of flowers, an invitation to dinner, holding hands, opening doors, taking a walk together, or just saying (texting) the words “I love you.”
2. Conversation – Your wife needs you to listen to her. Men and women are very different in this area. Men typically talk only when they have something to talk about. Women talk in order to express their feeling and draw closer to the other person. That’s why an average phone call lasts 30 seconds for a guy and 30 minutes for a girl.
3. Honesty and openness – She needs to trust you completely. If a husband does not keep up honest and open communication with his wife, he undermines her trust and erodes the relationship.
4. Financial Security – She needs you to provide for her. This may not sound politically correct, but it is biblically correct. The Bible commands husbands to provide for their families and, in so doing, we provide our wives with a sense of safety, security and stability.
5. Family Commitment – She needs to know that your family is a priority whether that means sharing meals together at the dinner table, going to church together, playing board games together, or reading to the kids before bedtime. She needs you to be a good father, to be present.
Now these five needs, although common to most women, are not universal. The best thing you can do to become more sensitive to your wife’s needs is ask her about them. Discovering how to identify and meet your wife’s most important needs will deepen your love for her and make you irresistible to her in the process.
Conclusion:
Scripture is clear: God’s plan for life-long monogamous marriage begins with sacrificial, sanctifying, sensitive love. By loving your wife as Christ loved the church, you honor Christ in the most direct and graphic way. You become the embodiment of Christ’s love to your own wife, a living example to the rest of your family, and a channel of blessing to your entire household.
Invitation:
I want to wish all of you a Happy Valentine’s Day and I want to offer a special invitation to the men of the church. You can’t give what you don’t have. So if you’ve never received the love of Christ then you’ll never be able to love your wife as Christ loved the church. Only as we live in the love of Jesus will we have a love truly worth giving. I want to invite you to receive the love of God this morning and, if I can help you with that, then please come forward as we stand and sing.
