Stephen King, the American author, once said: “There's a phrase, "The elephant in the living room", which purports to describe what it's like to live with a drug addict, an alcoholic, an abuser. People outside such relationships will sometimes ask, "How could you let such a business go on for so many years? Didn't you see the elephant in the living room?" And it's so hard for anyone living in a more normal situation to understand the answer that comes closest to the truth; "I'm sorry, but it was there when I moved in. I didn't know it was an elephant; I thought it was part of the furniture." There comes an aha-moment for some folks - the lucky ones - when they suddenly recognize the difference.” Proverbs 10:11 states: “The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.”
It is a disturbing fact of life that domestic violence and abuse occur in many households. This unfortunate trend appears to be expanding rapidly. In the current climate of recession and redundancies as companies go into liquidation and troubles, concerns and frustrations escalate, it becomes even more widespread. Poverty, boredom and pandemics do not help the situation either. They just add to the overall problems of life and increase the risk of aggression.
Although there are always exceptions to the rule, violence towards others is not a usual inherent trait in mankind, it is often instigated as a result of inner strains and stresses that produce uncontrollable emotions. It can be an expression of anger or retaliation for a deed or remark not considered acceptable by the instigator. Being a witness to others receiving violence can also falsely insinuate that it is normal acceptable behaviour between individuals. The need for or the lack of attention received by some, can also be another contributory factor in the overall scenario. Manipulation of others by inflicting violence to get what they desire is also considered a prevalent problem.
Alcohol and non prescribed drugs feature prominently in acts of violence or abuse. It can make a person react in abnormal ways because they are unable to think clearly. Their heads become clouded with irrelevant matters. Misinterpretation of what others are saying and what they actually mean can often incite aggression and conflict.
Committing violent acts towards others is not considered acceptable in God’s eyes. He wants us to love one another and live in harmony. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 reminds us: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
There is a story of a woman who was fed up and tired of her husband. She felt that she didn't have a life of her own. She had received a sheltered upbringing and before her marriage could be considered innocent in the ways of the world. She soon learnt the stark realities of life. He was very demanding and possessive and expected her to be there for him at all times. He was often out drinking with his friends without a thought for her. If she wanted to go out with friends for enjoyment and a break from her routine, he frowned upon it and tried to make her feel guilty. She had a lovable little boy whom she adored and felt extremely proud to be his mother.
The husband was a typical Jekyll and Hyde type character with an abusive streak. Sometimes he succeeded in being the most loving and considerate person you could ever hope to meet. To others, he attempted to appear as the most perfect gentleman, but in private he could also be like a tiger with hidden belligerence. He had a secret drink problem and could be considered an alcoholic. He owned a shed at the bottom of the garden where he used to go to have his secret drinking sessions. It was not unusual for him to drink half a bottle of whisky at a time. He often clasped his wife's throat between his hands, when he was upset, with such strength and firmness that it often made her breathless and left marks and bruises. He would shout and scream at her with raging bulging eyes while he was remonstrating with her.
He was jealous of his son, as he felt that his wife loved the child more than him. When she initially informed him that she was pregnant, he made her promise that after the birth of their offspring, she would never love it more than him. For the sake of peace and quiet, she agreed to his demands.
If his wife ever glanced at another man he would often strike her in anger and call her an adulteress. On the infrequent occasions she had an evening out with her friends for a meal at the local bistro, to unwind from the pressures of life, he would often appear at some point and force her to leave, his words were often slurred as a result of the alcohol and he would stagger about in an uncontrollable manner informing her that she was not a good mother being out with her friends, instead of at home where she should be, looking after her son. This would make her feel extremely guilty, not only at the thought of her own inadequacies, but also the embarrassment that he was actually inflicting on other people in the restaurant. It was a pitiful experience. This continued for some time until eventually, she decided that enough was enough and had to make a complete break. The problem she had, was should she take her son with her or leave him in his father's care? It was a very difficult decision for her to have to make. She had many sleepless nights thinking about what to do for the best. How would it affect the child if she left him with his father? What impact would it have on his security and confidence in later life? Eventually after much thought and talking to her friends she decided to take her son with her. It would be difficult for her, but in her mind, she was making the right choice. If the final decision is based on love and care for another then it is usually right. Should you ever have to make a similar choice such as this, make sure your own decision reflects what is in your heart. We hear so many sayings or excuses to the effect, I didn't want to rock the boat, I didn't want to disappoint anyone, I wanted them to like me or I didn't want to be judged the wrong way.
The honest and realistic truth of it all is, you will never be able to please everyone and the strain could make you seriously unwell, both emotionally and physically. Is that a compromise that you are willing to make? If you believe in yourself, you will make the right decision in life and you will feel at peace as a result of it. 1 Peter 3:7 reminds us: "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honour to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
Amen.
