Seven points about dating:
1.) Dating is in direct contradiction with the Scriptures that admonish us to flee youthful lusts (Eph 4:22; 2 Tim 2:22); flee fornication (1Cor 6:18).
When the “Just Say No” movement went through our churches in the 90’s many of our young people believed the “No” referred only to sexual intercourse. Today some may be saying “No” to sexual intercourse but they are saying “Yes” to every other form of sexual activity.
When you "flee" you are meant to stay away as far as possible from the beginning of the process. When the preacher says, “You may now kiss the bride!” The assumption was that the groom had never kissed the bride before that day.
2.) Dating ignores the biological facts of human sexuality.
Sexual desires are not designed to be started and stopped over and over again! Finally, it is naive to think that it is all a matter of self-control. God has designed the body to react to the emotions and the emotions to respond to sensations of the body. You cannot separate the two. Do not underestimate the power of the touch and the kiss.
3.) Dating tends to abuse and misuse what doesn’t belong to you.
Virginity is not just refraining from sexual activity before marriage, but bringing an inheritance into a marriage by the presentation of a “virgin” or pure body. You are giving your wife or husband your holiness. You are giving your wife or husband an inheritance of untainted passion all stored up and reserved just for them.
4.) Dating is the starting place for destroying relationships
Dating creates relationships built on insecurity. When you date, there is no promise not to go out with anyone else. The main purpose of dating is to try out as many partners as possible in the process of looking for the perfect one. With each “hook up” there is a break up. Breaking up is as common as dating itself. There are more R&B songs written about breaking up than hooking up.
5.) Dating becomes a preparation for handling divorce, not a preparation for building a permanent marriage.
Dating gets us used to the idea of rejecting someone and being rejected by someone in the search for the perfect relationship. The more dates you have, the more the boundaries become blurred. Rejection becomes a way of life, and saying "I love you'' becomes meaningless.
We learn to break covenant at a whim; we learn to follow our emotions and desires. If it doesn't work out, we can simply break it off. It provides no training or discipline for having to work it out for the long haul. Dating is training your son or daughter at an early age how to divorce.
6.) Dating builds insecurity into relationships.
Those who have dated and have been rejected find it hard to trust again. Your first “love” is what you use to gauge all your other encounters. Your first sexual encounter is what you use to measure all your subsequent encounters.
7.) Dating prevents the building of friendships.
Dating exploits attraction and moves the relationship to the point of emotional and physical intimacy before the couple even knows one another. There are many who bonded physically and got married before they bonded emotionally and spiritually.
After marriage they experience a “rude awakening” when they discover they spouse is not the man or woman they thought and believed they were.
The antidote to loneliness is fellowship, not dating; the need is for friendship, not sexuality. When you date, oftentimes the pursuit of romance and sexual activity sidesteps the building of genuine friendships.
So what is the alternative to dating?
The alternative to dating is not courtship. Courtship is not the alternative to dating.
In some Christian circles the concept of courtship has changed from its original intent. The danger of dating has been taught, so there has been an attempt to take the
risk out of dating and so the concept of courtship has changed from its original intent.
• Courtship is not “going out in groups” or “double- dating.”
• Courting is not what “Christian” teenagers do instead of dating.
Courting is what a man and woman do in preparation for marriage.
A Brief Introduction to Courtship
In order to understand what we are saying here let me give you a brief introduction to courtship. I must warn you that what you are about to hear may sound archaic, out dated, old-fashioned, ancient and very technical. But much of it is taken from the Bible and in its day...
• It kept millions of teenagers from getting pregnant annually.
• It kept pregnancies from ending in abortion.
• It kept many boys and girls from being sexually active before the age of 18.
• It kept many daughters from being date-raped.
This lesson on courtship is not to convince you to follow it line-by-line. In the days which courtship was practiced, the law of the land supported it. Today, no one is going to be thrown into jail for not paying a dowry.
My prayer is that this teaching encourages parents to be more involved in the lives of their children and children will see the wisdom and blessing in opening up their lives to some accountability without rebelling against it.
The Father’s Authority and Responsibility
In the Bible, there is an emphasis on the father's responsibility, and the preparation under his supervision for his sons and daughters to become responsible. Under Old Testament law, a father has particular responsibility for his daughters. He was expected to be able to guarantee his daughter's virginity (Deut 22:15-19), and with that responsibility came the right to defend her reputation.
If another man violates that by becoming sexually involved with a man’s daughter, two things happen (Deut 22; 28, 29), the two should get married and the man must pay the father a dowry. There was no such thing as sex without responsibility.
In the Bible, the dowry is a demonstration of assuming financial responsibility. The man who has a sexual relationship with a girl has to marry her; he must assume responsibility for her and her children. He cannot just walk away from it all. If he does, he has to pay a dowry. The dowry insures the father has money to provide alimony for his daughter's financial security.
The dowry was customarily three years wages, about $100,000 in today's money. That would make a teenage boy think twice! But the issue is not primarily money, it is responsibility.
The problem with our culture is not merely sexual immorality, it is also sexual irresponsibility. The Bible teaches there is to be no escape from responsibility. The teenage years were to be years of preparation for responsibility, not for irresponsibility.
To get married, there was going to be a dowry to pay and that dowry would require years of work! When we see teenagers characterized by irresponsibility, we know we have missed the mark. Parents are charged in the Bible with training their children to be responsible.
What is Courtship?
Webster's 1828 dictionary defines it as: "The act of soliciting favor. The act of wooing in love. Solicitation of a woman to marriage. Civility; elegance of manners."
Three things about courtship stand out in this definition:
1. It has to do with marriage. It is not casual dating; it is a
relationship with a view to marriage.
2. It has a lot to do with manners; there is an appropriate
way to behave.
3. It also has to do with civility or with law. It involves a
"court".
4. It involved following appropriate procedures.
5. The suitability of marriage is put to the test; it is
brought to the court...hence, “courtship”.
Preparing a case for your date in court
In order to begin a courtship, a man has to be able to present a case to support his claim for the hand of a man's daughter. Feelings and leadings are tested and proved in the court where witnesses will confirm God is indeed calling two people to be married.
That's why Webster’s also speaks of a synonym for courting - being a suitor. A man is filing his suit; he is declaring the justice of his claim for the hand of a woman.
Genesis 29:18 tells us that Jacob agreed to work for seven years to marry Rachel. He was not prepared initially, so he had to work for a dowry, and he had to work longer than most.
We said earlier that the normal dowry was about three year's wages ($100,000). Why? According to biblical law, it was a kind of insurance policy. It provided protection for the wife and children if the husband should die, or renege on his marriage vows in divorce.
By the way, in Exodus 22:16,17 and Deut 22:28,29, even in the case of rape or a seducing of the woman that leads to intercourse, the man was required to provide a dowry (assume financial responsibility for) the woman he violated. Having lost her virginity in that culture, she was unlikely to be able to find a husband to support her.
The dowry was a gift of love from the groom to the bride. It was also a guarantee of an inheritance. Jacob loved Rachel enough to offer to work seven years and wait. Seven years, and even to wait another seven years when tricked into first marrying Leah.
So in presenting a case to support his claim for the hand of a man’s daughter, the man showed that he was financially responsible by paying a dowry. But the dowry was about a whole lot more than just bringing finances into a marriage; it was one of the proofs to find character in the life of the young man.
Today, a father would inquire of a young man’s employment. He would ask, “Do you have a job? Would you be able to support my daughter and a family? Are you responsible?” This falls right in line with 1 Timothy 5:8 that says, “...if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
In the Bible we find that Adam demonstrated his ability to carry out the task God gave him before Eve was brought to him. This was God the Father's protection of Eve. God ensured, for her protection, that Adam was established in his calling before marriage became a possibility.
In Scripture we find that Adam was given an assignment (Gen 1:26-28). He carried out his assigned task (Gen.
2:19-20) and he recognized his need for a wife (Gen 2:20).
We can find similar character preparation necessary in a wife (Proverbs 31). She is active in ministry (20-22); she is known for her diligence (15-19, 27); she is trustworthy (11, 12) and she is virtuous (10, 30).
Under the Old Testament economy, the father has to be convinced that he is being responsible in handing over his daughter. Three years of wages is a figure that would convince many fathers!
Traditionally, the bride has brought a dowry into the marriage as well. The father of the bride, according to an old American custom, gave his daughter a cow, which was intended to be the mother of a new herd to supply milk and meat for the new family. Either way, both parties came into marriage prepared for the future.
The man prepares his case for marriage. Courtship involves the suitor preparing his case for the court.
Passing judgment on the case in court
To whom does the suitor, the young man, present his case? The Bible is clear that the father is to be heavily
involved in this matter. The Bible speaks of those who "marry and are given in marriage" (Psalm 78:63; Matthew 22:30; Luke 20:34). It is the role of a father to give away what is his own, even as God the Father brought Eve to Adam.
The daughter is then to be given as a virgin (1Cor 7:37). But the father retains a choice (1Cor 7:38). Courtship acknowledges that a father trains his children, protects his children, and then gives them. He has the right, in the dowry system, to place stipulations on that.
In 1st Corinthians chapter seven we see this principal taught. However, if you have a copy of the NIV, you will find that it reads differently than what I will read from the NKJV:
1 Cor 7:36 But if any man thinks he is behaving improperly toward his virgin, if she is past the flower of youth, and thus it must be, let him do what he wishes. He does not sin; let them marry. 1 Cor 7:37 Nevertheless he who stands steadfast in his heart, having no necessity, but has power over his own will, and has so determined in his heart that he will keep his virgin, does well.
1 Cor 7:38 So then he who gives her in marriage does well, but he who does not give her in marriage does better.
In this passage Paul is saying that the father has the authority to give his daughter in marriage or not to give her in marriage.
By the way, the NIV has translated this passage so that it appears that the man who is acting improperly is not the Father of the virgin but a man engaged to the virgin. The preferred view of this passage that is consistent with the common use of the Greek word, gamizo, which means to, “Give in marriage.” In other words, it is the father, not the bridegroom, who is making the decision concerning the virgin.
This is also consistent with the first-century culture where the father had great decision-making authority in matters affecting his family. A father in the first-century could give his daughter in marriage or dedicate her to fulltime service in the synagogue (Acts 21:9).
Is this saying that God wants the parents to arrange marriages for their children? I don’t think so. I believe that Scripture is teaching that children were to greatly respect the wisdom and insight of parents when it came to
making so great a decision as marriage—even to the point of not getting married if they cannot get the blessing of the parents.
I know of a couple that waited over 10 years to get the blessing of the parents of the bride. She had been delivered from Mormonism and become a Christian but her parents were still in the Mormon Church. They prayed for years that God would save the parents. The Lord didn’t save the parents but He moved on their hearts and they gave the blessing.
This couple was married in a Mormon church by the pastor of their church. My wife and I sang at the ceremony. It is all about honoring God and His Word. It is all about honoring the parents whether they are Christian or not.
But we need to know that the parent’s authority over sons and daughters cease to exist once the child gets married. Moses in Genesis 2:24, Jesus in Matthew 19:5 and Paul in Ephesians 5:31, all call to attention the words, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."
In 1 Corinthians 7:37, the Bible says, “The daughter is then to be given as a virgin.” In our day there are many
women and men who are single but no longer virgins. What do they do?
Many cannot say they are virgins. Some of our sisters have been married and are now divorced. Some have been married and are widows. Some have lost their virginity due to fornication.
But for those who are no longer virgins due to sin, you will not be able to recover your virginity but you can recover your purity and holiness. In John chapter 8, after He had forgiven her, Jesus told the woman caught in the act of adultery to “go and sin no more.”
He would say the same to you today who He has cleansed: “Go and sin no more.” You don’t have to live in sin anymore. You don’t have to jump from relationship to relationship and bed to bed. Receive His forgiveness and “go and sin no more.”
There are also sisters who are single and do not have a father in their lives. What do you do? Do you have a grandfather? An older brother or uncle? Is there a godly man at your church who can serve as the “judge” when a suitor presents his case for your hand in marriage?
If marriage is the goal, the courtship process provides an opportunity for the father to investigate the man who seeks your hand in marriage, with particular reference to his godliness, doctrine, worldview, family values, financial responsibility and work ethic.
If a man is annoyed or resents the father’s involvement, he probably has a weak view of fatherhood and marriage. This is not that kind of man that I would want to become the father of my daughter's children and my grandchildren. Now, even if he doesn't understand courtship, he will work for my daughter’s hand in marriage if he loves her just as Jacob worked an extra seven years for Rachel.
If he is not interested in marrying you then why are you dating him? If love has anything to do with it then marriage must be the goal; otherwise it will lead to sin.
Dating removes the father and mother’s involvement in marriage. The Bible says, “There is wisdom in a multitude of counselors.” You do not leave the selection of a life partner to your emotions or hormones. Emotional and physical desire will most certainly fog your judgment.
Courtship looks for the credibility of the testimony of witnesses, and the most obvious witnesses to call are the parents.
The parent’s scrutiny is important. They know you. They know your strengths and weaknesses. They know your likes and dislikes. They have the ability to tell what kind of man or woman will help or hinder you.
We find this kind of “parental scrutiny” at work in a passage of Scripture found in Judges:
“Now Samson went down to Timnah, and saw a woman in Timnah of the daughters of the Philistines. So he went up and told his father and mother, saying, "I have seen a woman in Timnah of the daughters of the Philistines; now therefore, get her for me as a wife." Then his father and mother said to him, "Is there no woman among the daughters of your brethren, or among all my people, that you must go and get a wife from the uncircumcised Philistines?" And Samson said to his father, "Get her for me, for she pleases me well." (Judges 14:1-3)
Samson father’s resistance was not just because he didn’t want his son to marry outside of their race. His father knew that the Philistines had different manners and customs and worshipped a different God than the Israelites.
There are things that a mother and father can see about a potential mate that you may not see because of your lack of knowledge or because you’ve been blinded by your emotions or hormones.
For example, a father tells his daughter that her boyfriend doesn’t have a job. She replies, “He’ll get a job.” Her father will ask things like, “How long has he been without a job?” “Why can’t he hold on to a job?” “Do you think that by marrying you he will change his ways?”
A mother asks her son, “What is it that you see in this woman?” He tells his mother, “She says that she loves me.” His mother asks, “When does she say it, while the two of you are making whoopee?”
This is the kind of counsel that godly parents will offer their sons and daughters about a mate; just read through the Proverbs.
If two young people cannot convince their own parents that they should get married, there is probably something seriously wrong that needs to be looked at in one or both of the young persons.
Then there is the scrutiny that is offered by the family. When you are in the courtship stage of a relationship, spending time in the company of each other’s family should be encouraged.
When you spend time with each family you are able to evaluate the character of that family. Whatever questions the father asks of the suitor, he can also ask of his parents regarding their spiritual maturity, personal convictions, and cooperative attitude.
This is necessary for at least three reasons:
(1) A suitor's relationship with his parents and siblings is largely what has made him who he is in character, beliefs, personality, outlook, habits, manners, and much more.
(2) A second reason for investigating the suitor's family is because of the life-long influence they will have on the newlyweds and on the children produced by that union.
They will be perpetually influenced by their in- laws, aunts, and uncles. These relatives will be giving the new family suggestions, recommendations, and advice. Will this advice conflict with your own counsel? If their worldview, beliefs, and lifestyle are considerably different than your own, your children and grandchildren may be caught in a philosophical tug-of-war.
(3) Thirdly, you must investigate the suitor's family because you will be related to this family as long as you and they live. This can be either a wonderfully blissful relationship or a terribly discouraging one, depending upon their spiritual maturity, personal convictions, and cooperative attitude.
When you spend considerable time in the company of your intended’s family you will learn many things about that person. Practically speaking, one can’t “front” or put on a façade in the presence of their snotty- nosed kid brother or sister. They will challenge you right in the presence of your company, “Why are you acting like that; you wouldn’t talk like that if he wasn’t here.”
After several times of visiting with his family, you will come to know how he honors his mother or how she respects her father. The way he cares for his parents may give you some indication how you will be treated if you marry him.
It's only human (sinful) nature to view ourselves in the best light, to overlook our own sins and to present ourselves most favorably. On most dates, the each person is always frontin’. They most always are dressed to please the other. When wooing one another, they most always are more concerned about pleasing the other. On a date, you will not see the true picture.
So perhaps we need to borrow a page from the Human Resources manuals of many business and government organizations that make attempts to discover the truth about potential employees by asking questions of others who know them well. Many businesses require that their applicants provide references.
Likewise, fathers and/or mothers should inquire about a prospect by questioning his relatives, friends, fellow believers, co-workers, neighbors, and - most importantly - his church elders. If he or she doesn’t attend church, this ought to set off a “red flag.”
By the way, elders are often in a position to know details about a person's life far beyond what is publicly revealed. And though a pastor must be careful to maintain confidences, he may be able to advise you concerning a potential spouse for reasons that are beyond your ability to know.
We’ve probably said a lot more about the daughters than the sons. Jesus states in Matthew 22:30 that sons marry, but daughters are given in marriage. Daughters are given in marriage. But what about the sons?
Are sons allowed to act independently of their father while daughters must submit to their father's oversight?
While it is true that sons may not require the same kind of protection as daughters but Solomon is clear in Proverbs, that sons are morally threatened by loose women and therefore, are in need of a father's continued counsel and oversight, especially while they are still young men in their teens and twenties.
We are beginning to see where more and more female teachers are being arrested for sexual abuse in our school systems.
As we saw earlier in this series, our sons need to be taught:
1. Not to trivialize and waste those three important
words, “I love you.”
2. Don’t “pop the question” unless you’re sure she is
the woman you want to spend your life with.
There used to be a time when both the father and the son worked along side each other in the family
business. The son served as an apprentice and would in essence be his father’s “disciple.”
An examination of the Scriptures lets us know that a son is to work cooperatively under his father's leadership in the courting of a spouse.
• Abraham sought a bride for Isaac (Gen. 24:3)
• In the absence of a father, Hagar took a wife for her son, Ishmael (Gen. 21:21).
• Judah took a wife for Er, his firstborn son (Gen. 38:6).
• Samson, though his choice of a Philistine woman was wrong, still asked his father to get her for him.
• Ibzan, one of Israel's judges, gave away thirty of his own daughters and brought in thirty daughters for his thirty sons (Judg. 12:8-9).
• Jehoash, king of Israel, sent to Amaziah, king of Judah, saying, “Give your daughter to my son as a wife” (2 Ki. 14:9).
In Jeremiah 29:6 God tells His people to, “Take wives and become the fathers of sons and daughters, and take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands, that they may bear sons and daughters; and multiply there and do not decrease.”
This principal is followed by Christ Himself in his marriage to His bride, the church, which was given to Him by the Father. He says in John 6:37, “All that the Father gives Me shall come to Me.”
The father gives and then the son pursues. Unlike the daughter, who is given in marriage, the son is the initiator. He is the pursuer of his bride just as Jesus pursued His bride, the church. John 15:16 "You did not choose Me, but I chose you...” Luke 19:10 says, “For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost.”
By the way, let me give a word of advice to our daughters. Do not pursue a husband. Do not initiate the relationship. We are living in time when most women perceive themselves as “liberated” but I caution any woman from attempting to act in a way that is contrary to the life that God has called you to.
Men are the initiators. If he is really interested in you he will pursue you. Jesus chose His bride, the church. He pursued His bride. He left the glory of heaven and went through the mocking and ridicule and torture—even death as proof that He loved us. A man will go through many obstacles, and if he really loves you, and has self-control, he will wait until after the two of you are married to be physically intimate with you.
The Bible says, “Love suffers long and is kind; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Wait for God to bring you to the man like brought Eve to Adam. Once he is your husband, you will have plenty times to run after one another. In fact, I encourage you every once in a while to pursue him—he’ll love it!
For the guys...What was Adam doing when he came to the realization he was alone? He was about His Father’s business. He was involved in ministry. Last time I shared with you how God brought my “Eve” to me but only after I committed myself to serve Him in church ministry,
Someone has said, “Where was Adam when Eve came to him? He was sleeping! This is an encouragement to the single person. Wait on the Lord and rest in Him.” There will be a tendency to rush ahead of the Lord to find a mate. Don’t do it!! Wait for God’s choice. Draw close to Jesus in your loneliness, and make Him your everything. Be content in Him, and God will be free to work in your life. The alternative is tragic.
Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.”
It is the Lord’s favor that is behind the gift of a wife or a husband. Eve was a special love gift from God to Adam. When you refuse to walk in fellowship with God, when you refuse to trust Him, you just might miss out on God's special gift to you.
If you are not ready for marriage, don’t date. If you are ready for marriage, begin a courtship—don’t try to begin a relationship on your own—it may very well end in misery—either before or after the wedding bells.
The concept of courting may sound old-fashioned, “too much, too late” or too hard. If you want God’s best and if you want a marriage that will defy the odds of our time, put these principals into practice.
If you need help, I am willing to assist you in this journey to discern God’s best for your life.
The courtship process provides an opportunity for the father to investigate the suitor, the young man, with
particular reference to his godliness, doctrine, worldview, family values, financial responsibility and work ethic.
If a man is annoyed or resents such loving involvement on behalf of a father, he probably has such a weak view of fatherhood. This is not that kind of man that I would want him to become the father of my daughter's children and my grandchildren.
Now, even if he doesn't understand courtship, he will work for my daughter’s hand in marriage if he loves her just as Jacob worked an extra seven years for Rachel.
Dating, on the other hand, removes the father and mother’s involvement in marriage. Courtship looks for the credibility of the testimony of witnesses, and the most obvious witnesses to call are the parents.
If two young people cannot convince their own parents about the suitability of marriage, there is probably something seriously wrong that needs to be looked at in one or both of the young persons.
God established the courtship approach to marriage as trans-cultural. What this means is that courtship is normative for all people in all cultures and in all times. So it is our duty as faithful Christians, faithful to God and
to our families, not to say, “too much, too late” or “too difficult” but to work through the things we don’t understand about courtship and the obstacles that hinder us.
Courtship is God’s ideal way to begin a relationship. The problem comes, that when we classify something as “ideal,” “perfect” or “best,” we tend to dismiss it as unattainable.
Perhaps you have thought about what you were taught and are thinking, “Does Pastor expect me to go through a process like that?” or “Does Pastor think that I am going to make my kids go through something like that?”
Courtship is God’s ideal way to begin a relationship but don’t make the mistake of dismissing it as unattainable. Ever since Adam sinned, the “ideal” has been defective? After their fall into sin, Adam and Eve were no longer perfect, but damaged goods. Yet God still wrote the Bible filled with principles that we are to return to over and over again, whenever we fail, no matter how badly or how often. This is why the Scripture says, “Be perfect as your Father in heaven (Matt. 5:48)” and “Be holy in all your conduct (1 Pet. 1:15).”
Even though we fall short of the glory of God and miss the mark repeatedly, Christians are to be constantly keeping before us God's ideal, God's target toward which we are to aim in the strength of Christ. Don’t dismiss the ideal because it seems unachievable. Reach for it. Paul says in Philippians 3, “Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me.” “I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Don’t try that at home without first laying the proper foundation.
A foundation needs to be laid first. The main foundation is that of faith in Jesus Christ.
