OFFERING GRACE
The Rhone River begins high in the Swiss Alps, some 5000 feet above sea level. It is one of the most important commercial waterways in France, stretching more than 500 miles in length. The river that glistens and sparkles through France, however, is much different than it was at its origin. As it begins its voyage, glacial clay is picked up making it very milky and muddy in appearance. Just before it enters France, the Rhone River empties into Lake Geneva, and a wonderful transformation occurs. The clay sinks to the bottom of the lake, and the Rhone River emerges clear and blue! It is so clear and blue that English poet Lord Byron once described the "blue rushing of the Rhone."
Our lives can be like that river. Shortly after we begin our journey of faith we find ourselves polluted by our sins and the sins of others. When we come to Jesus He washes us and cleans us and throws our "sins into the depths of the sea." (Micah 7:19). We find forgiveness, and along with it the strength to forgive others.
Today we are concluding our series Amazing Grace. We have looked at Saving Grace, Sustaining Grace and Restoring Grace. Today I want to talk about Offering Grace to others. God tells us to share what we have received. This is true of grace.
Matthew 10:7-8 As you go, preach this message: 'The kingdom of heaven is near.' 8 Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give.
We are to extend the grace that we have been given to others. Not because they need our forgiveness, but because we need to give it.
Matthew 6:11-15 Give us today our daily bread. 12 Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. 13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. ' 14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
A man by the name of General Oglethorpe once said to John Wesley, "I never forgive and I never forget." To which Wesley replied, "Then, Sir, I hope you never sin." There are consequences in our lives of failing to forgive others.
The man who refuses to forgive destroys the bridge over which he himself must cross -- John Iverson
Often we struggle forgiving others because we do not understand what true forgiveness is. Let me start by sharing this morning four things that forgiveness is not;
1. Forgiveness is not conditional
In other words, forgiveness is not based on the action or inaction of the person who hurt you. It is something that you do for your sake, not something that is dependant on anyone else. The Bible says that real forgiveness is unconditional. It is not something you earn. It is not something you deserve. It is not something you buy or bargain for. It is unconditional.
When you tell the person, "I will forgive you if..." that's not forgiveness. You're bargaining, not forgiving. Genuine forgiveness is unconditional. It's offered even if it's not asked for.
Colossians 3:12-13 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
We are to forgive as Jesus forgave us. God did not wait until we deserved forgiveness, He simply forgave. When Jesus hung on the cross He prayed;
Luke 23:34 Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."
Certainly nobody deserved it. Nobody had bargained or bartered for it. It was an unconditional offer of pardon. Genuine forgiveness is unconditional.
Two little brothers had finished supper and were playing until bedtime. Somehow, the one brother had hit the other with a stick, and tears and bitter words followed. Charges and accusations were still being exchanged as their mother prepared them for bed. She said, “Now boys, what would happen if either of you died tonight and you never had the opportunity again for forgive one another?” The one brother spoke up and said, “Well, OK, I’ll forgive him tonight, but if we’re both alive in the morning, he had better look out.” That is not forgiveness. Forgiveness is unconditional.
2. Forgiveness is not minimizing the seriousness of the offense
Real forgiveness is not minimizing the seriousness of the offense. It's not saying, "It is no big deal, I am OK. It really did not hurt my that bad. I will get over it." The truth is that if something is worth forgiving, it did hurt you. It did cause pain and you don't need to minimize it. Forgiveness is not minimizing the offense, it is simply saying that I am not going to hold it against you.
God takes sin seriously. All though the bible we see this. Sin has consequences. God hates it. He does not like it when His children are hurt by others.
Mark 9:42 And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck.
Part of forgiveness is that you need to understand that there is a difference between being wronged and being wounded. Wounds are unintentional, wrongs are intentional. We all get wounded all the time by people accidentally. Someone might say something that hurts you. They did not mean to hurt you, it was unintentional. There are times we are wounded, but they do not require forgiveness. What they require is acceptance, recognizing that we live in a fallen world and that there are times that people are going to hurt us unintentionally.
Wrongs are intentional. Forgiveness needs to be reserved for the big stuff, for the things that are intentionally hurtful where people mean you harm. Let's say you don't like what I am wearing this morning. Maybe you do not like my tie. It offends your fashion sensibilities so you are wounded by it. I don't need your forgiveness, I need your acceptance.
On the other hand if someone hurts you intentionally, you've been seriously wronged, that's what you need to forgive. Whenever you minimize a wrong and say, "It's no big deal!" you cheapen forgiveness. Reserve forgiveness for the serious things.
During a children’s sermon one Sunday morning, a pastor held up an ugly-looking t-shirt that he wore occasionally around the house. He explained to the children that sometimes someone he knew would say that his shirt was ugly and should be thrown away. "That really hurt me," he explained. "I am having trouble forgiving the person who said those mean things to me. Do you think I should forgive that person?" He asked the children and his six-year-old daughter raised her hand. "Yes, you should," she said without hesitation. "But why should I forgive? That person hurt my feelings," He said. To which his daughter wisely answered, "Well, because you’re married to her. That’s why!"
3. Forgiveness is not trust
Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation. They're two different issues. Forgiveness is not the same thing as rebuilding or restoring a relationship. Forgiveness is instant, but trust has to be rebuilt over time. There's a big difference between forgiving a person and trusting a person.
Forgiveness means letting go of the offense. The longer you hold onto an offense, the more it will hurt you. When you forgive someone, you are saying that you are not going to let that pain hurt you anymore. However, that does not guarantee that the future relationship is going to be restored. That is a different issue. It takes more than forgiveness for reconciliation to occur. It requires 3 things;
a) Repentance – genuine remorse and acknowledgement of what was done
b) Restitution – making up for the offense where and when possible
c) Rebuilding trust – showing through time that you have changed
If you have been hurt, forgiveness is the part you do. But they have to do some other things to show that repentance and restoration has taken place.
For instance, if you have been in a relationship where you were married to an alcoholic, abusive spouse and they really hurt you repeatedly over and over again so you separated. If that person then comes to you and says, "I'm sorry will you forgive me," you should say, "Yes, I forgive you" because God commands you to forgive.
But if they say, "Now, will you let me back in the house" then you should say, "That's a different issue. We need to have some progress here first. You need to get some counseling. You need to develop a track record to show there's some genuine change." It requires wisdom.
Matthew 10:16 I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.
While forgiveness is based on grace, trust is earned. Big difference. If somebody hurts you over and over again then you are called by God for your own sake to forgive them. But you are not obligated to instantly trust them and act like everything's fine and they can come home and things will go on as they have in the past. It isn't resuming a relationship without change.
When Thomas Edison and his staff were developing the light bulb, it took many hours to manufacture a single bulb. One day, after finishing a bulb, Edison handed it to a young errand boy and asked him to take it upstairs to the testing room. As the boy turned and started up the stairs, he stumbled and fell, and the bulb shattered on the steps. Instead of rebuking the boy, Edison reassured him and then turned to his staff and told them to start working on another bulb. When it was completed several days later, Edison demonstrated the reality of his forgiveness in the most powerful way possible. He walked over to the same boy, handed him the bulb, and said, "Please take this up to the testing room." The boy slowly and carefully took the bulb up the stairs, with Edison following from a distance.
4. Forgiveness is not forgetting
Some of you have a hard time forgiving because you think that it means that you have to forget what happened to you, something you cannot do. Forgiveness is not forgetting what happened. I know you've heard this cliché because it's very popular in America -- forgive and forget. That's so sweet and nice! There's only one problem with that. It doesn't work. It's impossible for you to forget everything that's happened. The more painful something is, the less likely it is that you're going to forget it.
Think about the logic of it. It is impossible to try to forget something. Why? Because the more to try to forget it, the more you are focusing on it. You cannot forget something by trying to forget it. It doesn't work that way. The only way you forget something is by replacing it with something else.
Hebrews 8:12 For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.
The word for remember in the Greek is the word MNAOMAI and it comes from the word meaning to fix in place or to chew. The picture is of someone who is constantly calling to remembrance something that has been done to them.
Scientists have proven that your brain is like a giant warehouse filled with thousands and thousands of file cabinets and you never really forget anything. The more important an event is in your life, the more likely it is you will remember it. You may block some things out and sometimes trauma may cause you to erase some recall of events but that does not mean that are not still there. If surgeons were able to take a probe and open up your brain and stimulate certain parts of your brain, they can bring back the colors, the memories, even the smells of past events.
Christian maturity is not forgetting, it is remembering the offense but no longer feeling the pain of it.
Remember, but seeing how God has worked in it anyway. There is something far better than forgetting. It's remembering and realizing the sovereign grace of God is working.
Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
When I forget something, I don't thank God or praise God. When I remember something that God has done in spite of that, then I really thank God and I praise God. So forgiveness is not forgetting, because you probably never will forget it. You can however let it go and move on.
Corrie ten Boom once told of being unable to forget a wrong that had been done to her. She had tried forgiving the person but she kept rehashing the incident and so she could not sleep. Finally, she cried out to God for help in putting the problem to rest. She confessed the problem she was having with a pastor. The pastor told her that up in the church tower is a bell which is rung by pulling on a rope. After the person lets go of the rope, the bell keeps on swinging. It keeps sounding, getting slower and slower until there is a one final sound and it stops. The same thing is true of forgiveness. When we forgive, we take our hand off the rope. But if we have been tugging at our grievances for a long time, we should not be surprised if the old angry thoughts keep coming for a while.
They’re just the ding-dongs of the old bell slowing down. Corrie ten Boom said that proved to be right. A couple of bongs later she found it no longer bothered her. The issue came up less and less often and at then just stopped altogether.
So what is forgiveness? Real forgiveness is 4 things;
1. Remembering how much you have been forgiven
Remembering how much I've already been forgiven, how much grace I've received from Christ.
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
2. Relinquishing my right to get even
That's the heart of genuine forgiveness -- relinquishing my right to get even.
Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.
You do not try to get even or retaliate or seek revenge. You leave that up to God. Forgiveness is not fair. There's a word for fairness, it is called justice. Justice is fair, forgiveness is grace.
Does that mean that the person who hurt you get’s away with what they have done? One day God is going to close the books. He's going to balance the ledger. God is the God of justice and He's going to even the score one day. Who can get better justice, you or God? Let God handle the other person, you look after yourself.
Frederick Buechner is a pastor and author. He wrote a little book called The Alphabet of Grace. In it he says something very important about forgiveness. He describes forgiveness as "an act of radical self-interest." Forgiveness is for you, let God handle the other person.
3. Responding to evil with good
Genuine forgiveness is responding to evil with good.
Luke 6:27-28 But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.
How can you tell when you've really forgiven someone? You can pray for God to bless them. When you come to the point when you can actually pray, "Bless that person who hurt me," you'll know forgiveness is complete in your heart. When you can look at their hurt and not just your own.
Hurting people hurt other people. If somebody hurts you, it's most likely they're hurting on the inside. When you have genuinely forgiven a person, you can look past the ways that they've hurt you and see how they're hurting and how that hurt is part of the reason they've chosen to hurt you.
4. Repeating the process as long as necessary
You do these things over and over. Forgiveness is not a one shot event. How long do you have to keep forgiving a person? You do it as long as the feeling of revenge keeps coming back. Peter asked that question of Jesus.
Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" 22 Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Peter's thinking he's being really generous here. The Jewish law said you had to forgive a person three times. He doubles it and throws one in for good measure. Jesus says, "Not quite. How about seventy times seven." The point is -- for infinity. For as long as it takes. Until you let it go. You have to keep forgiving that person until the pain stops and the desire to get revenge goes away.
Martin Luther King, who said… “Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.”
On December 9 2007 a young man named Matthew Murray walked into New Life Church in Colorado Springs and started shooting people. The night before he had visited a Youth With A Mission base outside Denver Colorado and killed 2 people. As he entered the church he shot and killed two teenage sisters and wounded their father. An armed security guard at the church named Jeanne Assam then shot Murray in the leg. When he realized there was no escape, Murray took his own life.
The tragedy shook the church. There was an article in one paper that talked about the incident, but also what occurred afterwards. The pastor was not sure how to deal with the pain of this incident. He decided to call the parents of Matthew Murray and asked if they would like to come to New Life Church and see where 'their son had passed away.' They said they had wanted to reach out to the church, but were afraid to do so because of what people must think of them. They were asked if they would be willing to meet with members of the family that had lost the two teenage daughters. They said yes. The same invitation was extended to the victim's family. They also said yes.
After showing the Murrays around the church where the tragic events took place, they met with the parents of the two girls in the pastor’s office. In the article the pastor said that what he witnessed there in his office that day was the most significant ministry moment he had ever seen. When they first entered the office, the two families embraced. They sat, wept, and cried together. After that they prayed together.
Later Jeanne Assam (the security guard who shot Murray) was invited to join them. When Jeanne, who had undoubtedly saved many lives that day, walked into the room the Murrays embraced her. They said, "Please know we're so sorry that you had to do what you did. We're so sorry." Jeanne later said it was like a huge weight had been lifted from her.
The article concludes with these words from the pastor, "We can talk philosophically about repentance and redemption and going forward with God, but what I saw in that room in my office that day was the greatest testimony of forgiveness and redemption that I have ever seen. It was a testimony that God really can restore and redeem."
