ILlustration: Many people find themselves stuck in ruts unable to find a way out of their conflicts. Millions in North America suffer from depression because they are unable to properly channel their feelings of anger, resentment and frustration.Unconsciously, people take out their exasperation on others. Many people silently experience road wage because they have failed to learn how to apply Paul’s formula for anger management in Eph. 4:28-32 where he writes, "Put away anger and put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, bearing with one another even as God in Christ has forgiven us." (Eph. 4:28-32)
Men and women feel that the ventilation provides them with temporary relief from their raging emotions. Unless one is willing to deal with conflicts, needed changes may never be made and suffering continues. Furthermore, unless we are open to constructive criticism it is unlikely that any improvements will be made.
Conflicts with people who have a different perspective from our own forces us to re-evaluate the soundness of our own position. When we encounter an opposing viewpoint it helps us to consider new ways approaching a whole range of issues. Crises have a way of helping us mature emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Ross Stagner has said, "I am sure we can begin by agreeing that every major advance in civilization has resulted from some type of conflict."
Conflicts have a way of cleansing us from worn-out ideas and methods. Different struggles may also help renew our motivation and give us a fresh perspective about our organization.
Disagreements also have a way of allowing for healthy ventilation of feelings that gives people a chance to air their grievances.
Failure to let some steam off occasionally can lead some people into depression, anxiety attacks or vices that are far more self-destructive.
In order to facilitate the resolution of conflicts with the religious right and reduce our own stress, let us take a look at some of the following strategies for successfully resolving these conflicts:
1. Realize that if you really care, you are bound to face conflicts. Only the apathetic are immune from conflicts since they do not care what happens as long as the problems do not affect them personally. Having conflicts is a normal part of growth both for individuals and organizations.
2. Honestly appreciate how each conflict helps us reveal some of our own limited understanding. Failure to honestly acknowledge our own incomplete knowledge of a situation can only place blame where it does not belong. Nothing will irritate people more than a " holier than thou" disposition that tries to look down on people for their alleged shortcomings. Seldom do people have pure motives. We all have a long way to go before we can say we are perfect. We all commit sins of commission, omission, disposition and pre-disposition.
3. Unless we are willing to continually make changes we will build up resentments that will cloud our own judgment. When we feel discontented, under-used or slighted, we are unable to keep our perspectives in balance. When conflicts occur we take out our frustrations by venting our anger on a person or a group as a means of releasing our pent-up emotions. Be sure to treat problems from their root causes rather than applying medicine to superficial symptoms.
4. Carefully pick and choose your battles. Do not fight for things that are non-essentials. They are many battles that are just not worth the effort. Learn from wise mentors that it is best to discern the difference between what is essential from an eternal sense. When you are able to look at life from an eternal viewpoint it will automatically reduce tension, stress, and needless worry.
5. Learn how to apply the best of the following approaches to conflict from the following combination of task and relationship orientation to people and problems:
FIVE ORIENTATIONS TO RESOLVING CONFLICTS
High on Relational Oriented Conflict Resolution Style Puppy Dog -
This person is willing to go along to get along with others. He or she is mainly interested in maintaining relationships at just about any cost. By learning how to accommodate others puppy dogs are willing to welcome everyone regardless of their perspective. This person generally lacks the assertiveness to press for their own interests for fear they may feel alienated and disliked.
The Wise Owl - This person tries to maximize both their relationships and tasks. They say, "Let us work together for the common good." They are able to help everybody get a little of what they really want. This individual cares about people’s feelings, but also wants to see progress in the accomplishing of goals. They are not shy about defending what they believe. Yet, this person communicates in a friendly way that shows a concern for what is best for people and projects. Overall they know when to agree to disagree for the greater good.
Average on Relational Oriented and Task Oriented Conflict Resolution Style
The Chameleon - This individual is a keen negotiator but prefers to compromise to give both sides a feeling that they have won something. Flexibility is a key attribute of this person as they are able to adapt to just about any situation, idea, or group. This person will try to speak to a variety of needs with the aim of giving each person a little bit of what they are after. Situational in their outlook, they are often unsure of themselves when they have not gotten a chance to intuitively and empirically get a sense where people are at on various issues.
The Diplomatic Fox - This person has brought negotiating to a higher level. The people in this category have refined the art and science of using politics in their area of responsibility. Their highly refined negotiating skills are used to help mediate conflicts with others. By serving as arbitrators, these individuals are even able to bring groups together to find some kind of common ground through dialogue. This kind of person is able to be adaptable without giving away the essential principles of what are non-negotiable values.
Low on Relational Oriented Conflict Resolution Style
The Fearful Turtle - This individual tries to hide from most conflicts. They are mainly concerned about not making any mistakes. Fearful of offending anyone they are loath to speak in public. Adverse to risk, these individuals seldom try anything new for fear of being accused of being different. This passive and non-assertive approach to life often leads to an apathetic lifestyle that just tries to get by. It is important for this person tries to avoid anything that is negative. By using an avoidance attitude toward problems, they choose to withdraw when any conflict seems to be heating up. Underneath, this person suffers from a high degree of frustration and resentment in feeling powerless to change much of anything. This person tends to believe that people are lazy and selfish by nature and not much can be done about it except to mind one’s own business.
The Lion - This individual is very concerned about getting the job done even if one has to step on a few toes. This person is very motivated to accomplish the tasks set before them as their self-worth is wrapped up in their work. Pressuring people to get the work done is considered by this person to be just a part of their responsibilities. Very goal-oriented, they often see people as objects that must be used in order to get the task accomplished. Authoritative by nature, this person is not shy about hurting other’s feelings if that is what it takes to get the job done. In many cases this person is even willing to intimidate, manipulate or coerce people in order to reach their own goals. It is almost as if this person’s motto is, "The end justifies the means."
As seen from the above table, all of us can learn to modify our conflict resolution styles to suit different people, problems and situations. All styles have their own appropriate and relevant uses. We need to learn how to be flexible by using all six styles of conflict resolution. There is usually an appropriate style for every conflict that we face. Most conflicts result from a struggle for control over relationships or tasks. If you can objectively step back and look at the conflict using the above six styles, this will help you understand why the conflict has met an impasse. You may need to apply more relational approaches or more task-oriented styles to bring progress to your unique situation.
Before beginning to apply one of the six styles to a problem ask the question, "What will be the possible consequences to using this approach?" Let effectiveness be one factor for helping you determine which style to utilize in helping to resolve your conflicts.
Ask friends who are more adept at using certain styles to help collaborate with you in bringing resolution to both individual and group conflicts. Use mediators to sort out problems when parties on either side of the divide have become so emotionally involved that they have lost some of their objectivity.
If you continually reach an impasse in your attempts to resolve a conflict with a member of the reactionary religious right, you may have to pull back to a less confrontational style of resolving conflicts. However, if you are too task-oriented you might call on a friend who is a specialist in building relationships so as to gain a sense of balance.
1. Always pick your battles well, as there are many fights that are just not worth fighting. The biggest problem may be within your own attitude to the problem or within the person you are having a conflict with. Even Jesus said, "It is not what is on the outside of person that defiles them, but what comes out of their heart: hate, envy, jealousy, rage, clamor, malice, and greed."
2. Just be committed to seeking first His kingdom, His righteousness and His will as this will allow God to work in ways that you may not see, but He will find a way through your wilderness. If you make a concerted effort to resolve conflicts, using the intercessory power of prayer, most conflicts can catalyze growth!
Illustration: If all else fails you might try praying the famous prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi, "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference!" God’s grace is sufficient for every situation and it prevents bitterness from uprooting our joy.
3. We can learn a lot from the way that the Jerusalem counsel resolved a conflict between Paul and Barnabas (the progressives of their day) and the Judaizers (the reactionary religious right of their day). The older and more traditional members felt that the new Christian movement should be required to keep the Jewish laws. Paul stressed that the new church was no longer obliged to operate under the law, but through grace. (Acts 15:1-35)
A. First, James, the brother of Christ, used diplomatic skills in preserving mutual trust and respect for all involved parties. James knew that this tension between two respected groups could result in serious divisions between the Gentile and Jewish churches. Realizing that the older leaders did not trust Paul, James negotiated the conflict using a variety of the above six styles of conflict resolution.
B. By involving as many parties on the counsel as possible, James gave everyone an opportunity to express their views.
C. In showing respect and trust in each view represented, James moderated the
conflict in a way that set a precedent for the resolution of future conflicts.
D. James used his arbitration skills to resolve the conflict with a combination of prayer, compromise, and collaboration. As soon as the council came to a majority consensus view, the decisions were disseminated in writing as well as through respected persons. This spared individuals from undue uncertainty about God’s will.
E. The use of such councils allow people to use wise objectivity in making decisions that would otherwise be left to subjective interpretation.
Conclusion: Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to become angry. For the anger of man does not work the righteousness of God. (James 1:19-22) Be doers of the word and not merely hearers, who deceive themselves.
