This message is part of a series published in my book, "Lessons and Encouraging Words for Today's Christian Woman." It is a crucial message that I feel led to share, particularly with women in church and ministry leadership roles, especially pastors' wives.
Being a pastor's wife is often a challenging and sometimes frustrating journey. While I, too, face similar obstacles in my role as a Christian minister, I recognize that the unique pressures faced by pastors’ wives can be particularly intense. What’s more, pastors receive valuable training through pastoral schools and seminaries, but where do pastors’ wives turn for their guidance? They often find themselves thrust into this role without any formal preparation, which can be extremely daunting. It's essential that we acknowledge and support pastors’ wives in their critical, yet often overlooked, roles within the church.
Every so often, I believe the church places too many expectations on the wives of pastors. As a result, these women may experience burnout, depression, isolation, and feelings of being unappreciated. It is crucial for a pastor's wife to prioritize self-care and establish a balance between her home life, her profession, and her role within the local church. While many articles discuss the roles of pastors' wives in relation to their husbands and the church at large, I would like to focus more on the pastor's wife's role in the lives of the female church members.
I have been fortunate to serve alongside several exceptional ministers and their wives. However, I have also witnessed the challenges posed by others whose ungodly attitudes and unwise decisions have disrupted their congregations. My aim is not to criticize anyone but rather to support pastor's wives and other women leaders in the church, such as elders and deaconesses, in building stronger relationships with the women in their congregations.
Too often in local assemblies, especially smaller ones, I have seen conflicts arise between church members and pastors' wives. This dynamic should not exist!
Now the Bible does not address the involvement of the pastor's wife in any ministry. There is nowhere in scripture where it specifies where exactly the pastor's wife should serve.
And so just like any other born-again Christian with spiritual gifts and talents, you serve where you are called and gifted to serve. Having said this, keep in mind that when the Lord calls a man into the ministry, He calls the man and his wife (husband & wife have become one, Mark 10:8, Gen 2:24). When the mantle has been given to a man or woman of God to lead a congregation, they will be responsible for everything that goes on in that church.
And so, it is safe to say one of the major responsibilities of the pastor's wife in the church, is to oversee the affairs of the women's ministry amongst other areas. She must have a good rapport with all the female members of the church, and this includes the women department or ministry leaders (depending on church size).
I have several friends who are pastors' wives, and they come from diverse cultural backgrounds, denominations, and locations around the globe. Throughout our conversations over the years, they have candidly shared both the rewarding and the challenging aspects of their roles. The insights they've provided reveal common themes that can guide others in similar positions. Based on our discussions, I’ve outlined the essential qualities that they believe contribute to their effectiveness in church leadership.
These qualities are not only applicable to their relationships with all church members but are particularly significant in their interactions with the women in the congregation.
1. Apply wisdom - A Pastor's wife must choose her words carefully. In her speech and action, wisdom should be applied, some have driven members out of the church with their mouths. "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. "Proverbs 31:26, The Bible also tells us to ask for godly wisdom if we desire it. "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. "James 1:5
2. Be Ready & Willing to Serve - A Pastor's wife must be ready and willing to serve others. She must be a woman with a servant's heart working alongside her husband to fulfill the vision and mission of the local assembly and be equipped to handle the challenges of the position.
3. Be Approachable - A pastor's wife must be approachable and make herself available to her members. It is important not to be standoffish; remember that you are a leader, and you never know when a church member may need counseling, a listening ear, or just a warm smile from you, which could make a significant difference in their day.
4. Be Real - Be yourself; you do not have to fake it to please anyone. You are human and have issues and weaknesses just like everyone else, so be true to yourself. If you are real with your church members, they will be more relaxed to share their life's issues with you. Some people can smell "fakeness" a mile away. Being one way at home, and another way in the church never works. Eventually, your true self will emerge.
5. Avoid gossip - Never engage in idle talk or share anything negative about a church member or anyone for that matter. Gossip in the church leads to quarreling, division, and much more… You are a role model for other women to emulate after; always remember that. There was this local assembly I was a member of some years ago. The Pastor was such a sweet and humble man. The wife was a lovely person, always willing to help, but she had a big problem "gossip" It was so bad that the women of the church hardly went to her for counseling on personal issues. As a result of this behavior, a number of people left the church after it was obvious the pastor's wife was not willing to change. The congregation also felt the pastor didn't do anything to resolve the issue considering it was his wife.
” To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. "Titus 3:2
6. Genuine Love for The Church - A pastor's wife needs to have sincere love for the work of the ministry, which means genuine compassion and a burden for the people entrusted to the care of her husband and the other church leaders. "It is important for the first lady of the church to make out time to visit her members (women) & their families, showing that you truly care about their personal interests. It makes a difference," says one of my pastor's wife friends.
7. Patience - As a pastor's wife, you should embody the fruit of the Spirit. Patience is indeed a virtue, and if you want to succeed in this role, it is essential to seek the Holy Spirit's assistance in this area. In my role as a counselor, I work with many pastors' wives who often express their frustrations about late-night phone calls to resolve disputes between couples. Often, their pastor husbands find themselves on the phone for one to two hours, or they may have to drive to a couple's home in the middle of the night. I remind these women that this aspect of ministry comes with the territory of being a pastor's wife and encourage them to remain steadfast, supportive, patient, and prayerful. After all, no one ever said that ministry work would be easy.
8. Be a Woman of Prayer - It is critical to your role as the pastor's wife to develop a lifestyle of prayer; your ministry and your family, especially your husband, needs you to stand in the gap for them. One of my friends, a pastor's wife talks about how she is constantly on her knees interceding for our husband because there are times when he wants to give up. She uplifts and strengthens him with her encouraging words and prayers. “Praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,” Ephesians 6:18
9. Practice self-care - I cannot emphasize this enough. To avoid burn out, frustration, marital distress, etc. You need to designate time for yourself. Have a spa day by yourself or with friends, go shopping, movies, gym, etc. Scripture does encourage us to take care of ourselves, enjoy good health. "Dear friend, I pray you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well." 3 John 1:2 NIV
10. Avoid being overly familiar – What do I mean by this? One of the things I have observed and also have been shared with me by friends who are “first ladies” is becoming too familiar with church members. This often leads to contempt, disrespect, exposure of personal businesses, etc. Remember we are still human and not all at the same level spiritually. So it's important to be careful whom you invite into your inner circle and who you confide in. Learn to draw the line between being friendly, welcoming, and being overly familiar with your church members.
It is also a wise decision to have close confidants outside your local church, say, old friends, fellow pastors' wives, or women leaders; those who share the same vocation and can relate to what you may be passing through.
11. Be a peacemaker – A Pastor's wife must be fair, impartial in situations, and ready to foster peace and unity always. When it's a situation where your husband, the pastor, or any other family member is involved in a dispute or issue with a male or female church member(s), be careful how you handle the matter so as not to fuel the fire even more. There is a time to be silent and a time to speak. When you do speak, apply wisdom, be fair in your judgment while also supporting your husband at the same time. You should be seen as a woman who keeps the peace; the one that brings people together in the church and your community. "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God." Matthew 5:9
In conclusion, I would like to emphasize that every pastor's wife is unique in her own way. Her gifts, talents, and skills have been given to her to fulfill God's plan for her life and for the kingdom. However, like any other woman or individual, she is human and faces the challenges, fears, and struggles that we all experience.
Therefore, it is highly encouraged for women in ministry, who are working alongside their pastor husbands, to take time for themselves. Make sure to prioritize your health, spend quality time with loved ones, and learn to rely on your support system for assistance when times get tough.
Pastors' wives, you have an extraordinary yet challenging ministry. My prayer is that by embracing the qualities mentioned above—shared by your fellow pastors' wives—you can make life in the ministry more rewarding, exciting, and effective for yourselves.
