I want to talk about something this morning that isn’t much fun to talk about, but something we all struggle with and something that is very important. The topic is broken relationships.
We all know the pain that broken relationships cause. When a marriage is broken by divorce, there is so much pain, to the couple involved, to the children, to the extended families, to mutual friends.
And in many families that haven’t reached the stage of divorce, there are those days when you come home from work and there are all these things that you just can’t talk about because they are too hot to handle. A very normal piece of business comes up. Shall we go out with the so-and-so’s this weekend? Do you think we could afford to replace that chair in the living room? There was a charge on the credit card that I don’t recognize; do you know what it is? And you bring up the simplest things, that should be handled so easily, but a whole history of unresolved conflicts gets attached to it and there’s this big blowup and the simplest thing gets so complicated and you wonder how it’s all going to ever get resolved. And you really need your family. You need a place that you can go home to and let down your guard and just relax and be understood and accepted. We all need that. Broken relationships hurt.
You can understand the problem of broken relationships in the workplace. There is an ongoing battle between two people. They collect accusations against each other so that the air is poisoned with the accusations and the attempts to sort it all out. One tries to keep the other out of the loop. When a decision needs to be made, it’s not as simple as what is best for the business, but there are all these personal or political complications. You have to think about egos and what this person will accept and that person. When the normal irritations of life occur, instead of the two people just sitting down and working it out in an amiable, cooperative way, they take their complaints to everyone in the office except the one involved. Gossip runs wild. Issues that are tiny and should be handled easily or maybe even just ignored get blown way out of proportion and become major battles. Cliques form as people are drawn into taking sides. And what happens to the productivity of that office? It plummets. And what happens to morale? Who wants to work in that kind of setting? Broken relationships really hurt.
And it can even happen in the church, perhaps especially in the church because we have such high hopes for being loved in the church and we are working for God and we want everything to be done “the right way.” But we don’t always agree on just what “the right way” is. And we hope that we can bring our wounded selves into the church and find people who will be mature and understanding and healing for us. But the problem is that most of us are wounded. John Wesley talked about Methodists “going on to perfection.” But none of us has made it there yet. And so most churches have at least a few broken relationships. If you read just about any of Paul’s letters to the early church you’ll see that they had struggled to get along, too. But in the church, it can really hurt. The Apostle Paul wrote to the Corinthians that they, together, were the body of Christ. And if you are treated with love by the body of Christ, then you feel Christ’s love. Jesus said that the world would know that the Father sent him if they see the church loving one another. But when relationships break down, God starts to feel very far away.
Can you feel how important it is for us to learn to get along, to keep working together, to maintain unity?
And so in our text for this morning, the Apostle Paul urges the members of the church in Ephesus to make every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit. Kathie, would you come and read our text for us now, and would you all stand as she does? The text is printed for you in your bulletin, so I encourage you to keep it open as I talk about it.
1 I therefore, the prisoner in the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to the one hope of your calling, 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism, 6 one God and Father of all, who is above all and through all and in all.
Can you hear Paul’s urgency when he calls them to keep united? He points out that he is speaking to them as a prisoner in the Lord. Paul is in jail as he writes this, probably in Rome. That was not a nice place to be. He is in jail because he has dedicated his entire life to building up the church of Jesus Christ. He had endured prison, beatings, stonings, whippings, all so that he could build the church. And how his heart would be broken if what he had built up with such sacrifice was torn down by disunity, by a few people playing games over petty turf battles.
The primary command that he gives is in verse one. It is to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called. And then when he fills out what that means everything he says is about how we treat one another. A life worthy of our call from God will be very careful how it treats God’s children.
In verse three he says that that life worthy of your calling will include “making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Making every effort. The Greek word that is in the original has a lot of urgency in it. Get going! Put your whole energy into it! Unity is important.
Jesus said in Matthew 18:15 "If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.” If someone sins against you, go to them. Straighten it out. Don’t wait.
And in Matthew 5:23 and 24 Jesus said, “So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.” Reconciliation with your brother or sister comes before worship. Reconciliation with your brother or sister comes before worship.”
So when something happens that threatens to break the unity of the Spirit between two people, what should happen? The one who did wrong should set out to make it right. And the one who was wronged should set out to make it right. And they should find themselves meeting halfway as they both make every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. And when both are making every effort to maintain unity, things should be able to work out easily.
Think of that person who is irritating you recently, whether at home, or at work, or maybe here in the church. Jesus loves that person so much that he died for him or her. And if Jesus would die for that person, how in the world could we continue on in a running battle over silly little things with someone for whom our savior died? That would be so unworthy of our calling. If Jesus, the Son of God, would die for this person, what can you do for them?
So Paul said it was really urgent to maintain unity. But that still leaves the big question of how to do that. Some situations are pretty sticky and some people are awful hard to get along with. What do you do? That’s a huge question, but Paul gives a few helps in our passage.
For one thing, at least in the church, don’t feel like you have to start from scratch to create unity out of thin air. Paul says that all we have to do is to maintain it. Christ has done plenty already to give us the gift of unity. In verses 4, 5 and 6 he lays out things that already unite Christians, things that should be a stronger pull bringing us together than anything that would pull us apart.
There is one body. He has brought us into his family, a family that is like a human body with each part needing the others.
There is one Spirit, who lives in the hearts of Christians. If we all listen to the same Spirit and if we are all guided by that same Spirit, he will bring us together. But that requires openness and honesty and vulnerability to dare to share the things of the Spirit together so that God’s Spirit can flow among us. There is such a temptation that when someone irritates us we can cut ourselves off from them. But that destroys unity. Sharing in God’s Spirit together unites us.
Well, I won’t talk about them all, but Paul says that we share one hope, one Lord, one faith, one baptism, and one God. Shouldn’t we all be able to find common ground after we have all received the same gifts and such wonderful gifts? If Jesus gave his life to establish the church, can we squander that gift with any carelessness about the way we treat one another? No, the foundation has been laid, and it was laid at great price.
And in verse two, Paul gives four attitudes that help us maintain that unity which Christ has won for us. And at the core it is the attitudes in our hearts that are most important.
The first attitude is humility. Humility is the opposite of self-seeking or self-promotion. It is the willingness to say that maybe what I want is not the most important thing, others are important, too. There was once a salesman going down a country road on the way to an appointment. He came to one of those old 1-lane bridges. The sign said to yield, so he slowed down, and looked carefully ahead to see if there was anyone else coming from the other way so that he could let them go through first. He completed his call and came back on the same road. And when he came to the bridge he found a yield sign on the other side, too. So he slowed way down, he looked ahead carefully to see if there was anyone there first that he needed to yield to, and then he went across. He thought it was strange. There shouldn’t be yield signs on both ends of the bridge, but sure enough, when he got to the end, he looked back and there was the sign he had seen earlier. Both sides needed to yield. And when everyone on the road follows those signs, there will never be a collision on that bridge. That’s what humility does. It’s very willing to let the other person have their way. So humility is an antidote to broken relationships.
The second attitude is gentleness. Gentleness means that we give up the use of power to force our way. And in any family or any business or any church there will be times that we disagree and there will be times when we may need to say hard things to each other. That’s real and that’s honest. But if we are going to stay united through those difficult conversations, then we need to do them with all the gentleness that we can find. We need to find ways to show care for those who share our lives, to affirm them when we can, to say what needs to be said with gentleness. Sometimes when a conflict has been going for a while and someone irritates you, you want to hit them with the whole accumulation of everything that has happened. But gentleness requires that you deal with just one thing at a time. That’s what keeps the little irritations from exploding into a rerun of the entire history. Gentleness is an antidote to broken relationships.
The third attitude for maintaining unity is patience. When you start to lose it, when your nerves are frazzled, when you feel you can’t stand it any longer, there is the temptation to break off the relationship. Blow up and chase the person away. Or maybe you just walk out, anything to stop the pain. But breaking the relationship cuts off God’s chances for working. And patience leaves a little more time for God to work. And in that time he may teach you a deeper understanding of the other person. He may show you a step that you can take to rebuild trust. He may show you a way to express yourself more constructively than you have in the past. Patience creates space for God to work and redeem a threatened relationship. It’s also an important antidote to broken relationships.
And the last attitude is forbearance in love. That’s close to patience, but while patience is more passive, Christian love reaches out. Forbearing love says, “this person really irritates me, but I choose to do for him or her whatever is for the their best, not mine.”
That’s the love that Christ has given to every one of us. It shows that there is no reason to fear me or fight me because I love you. That’s the love that can redeem most relationships. And even if the other person doesn’t respond to it, it’s the love that can protect your heart from the bitterness and resentments that poison it.
Now in any group this size there has to be people who are struggling with broken relationships, very much wanting to be reunited with someone, but not knowing how. I know that ongoing conflicts can do nasty things inside of us, making us angry, leaving us brooding, collecting resentments, bitter. I would like to pray for you.
And if you would like prayer for yourself to be restored so that you can go out and make another shot at restoring a relationship, I invite you to come forward and kneel at the communion rail. Come and ask God’s forgiveness for times you’ve been impatient or pushy. Come and ask for healing of frayed nerves and deep relational wounds. Come and ask for strength and wisdom to go out and love again.
PRAYER FOR THOSE WHO CAME FORWARD
PRAYER OF ST. FRANCIS (UNISON)
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
...where there is injury, pardon;
...where there is doubt, faith;
...where there is despair, hope;
...where there is darkness, light;
...where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
...to be consoled as to console;
...to be understood as to understand;
...to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
...it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
...and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
