Two summers ago Kathy and I headed to northern Wisconsin for a vacation week. One of our stops was a day of white water rafting on the Wolf River. It was late in the season and the water was low, so it wasn’t as fast and splashy as the springtime might be. But the low water brought another adventure. We kept getting hung up on rocks. And it was my job to jump overboard and pull us off. Sometimes I could see a rock beside us, just in the right place to stand on. But sometimes I’d just have to go over the side of the boat, not knowing how deep the water was between the rocks. It was an adventure that left me with quite a few scrapes and bruises on my legs.
Trying to teach the Bible is a lot like that. I like to try to plan out my sermons in advance, at least the main points. But often, as I get into a text I find that it is a lot deeper than I had realized at first. That’s an even better adventure. But sometimes my sermon schedules suffer for it.
I know we all work to speak the truth. And we all work to be loving to one another. But there are situations when that is easier and situations when that is harder. Last week I probably ended up trying to squeeze two sermons into one. We need to learn to speak the truth about our experiences with God even though faith sharing is sometimes hard. We need to learn to speak the truth with each other about our own sins and struggles in life, even though it’s scary to bring those things out into the light. And I had planned to move on to the next passage in Ephesians, but this is deeper than I realized. There is another situation when it is really hard to speak the truth in love that every church needs to think about.
So, please stand, again for the reading of our text, Ephesians 4:11-16.
11 The gifts he gave were that some would be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, 12 to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, 13 until all of us come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to maturity, to the measure of the full stature of Christ. 14 We must no longer be children, tossed to and fro and blown about by every wind of doctrine, by people's trickery, by their craftiness in deceitful scheming. 15 But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, 16 from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by every ligament with which it is equipped, as each part is working properly, promotes the body's growth in building itself up in love.
We love the relationships of our church. To use Paul’s language, those relationships are the ligaments of the body of Christ that bind our lives together, with each connection enriching our lives with love.
But sometimes those ligaments are strained or even torn as things happen that pull us apart. Misunderstandings arise. Even dear friends can let us down. And there is this gap between you. Your connection is strained. And it’s really hard to speak the truth in love.
In fact, Jewel and Cynthia ran into it this week as they dared to take their relationship one step deeper. Here’s what happened.
(Kathy Aram and Marty Linderborg did a short drama here in which Jewel takes the risk of pointing out how Cynthia has spoken improperly about another church member. It follows up on another drama the week before.)
Do you think it might have been hard for Jewel to raise this issue with Cynthia? Last week they went to a new level in their relationship. They had been two people who really didn’t even like each other. But they risked being open and honest and suddenly the relationship became real and nurturing for them. But already today, a new challenge came up, and Jewel took the risk of speaking out the truth. And it was hard for Cynthia to accept it at first, but she made it. And now their relationship has gone deeper, yet.
Speaking the truth like that is risky. But it helps us be real. The Bible calls us to do this, to exhort one another, to admonish one another.
Why does God call us to risk such things?
Well, for one thing, in this situation, Cynthia really needed to learn to be wiser in the way she speaks about other people. And Jewel helped her learn. Cynthia might have sat through 20 sermons on gossip or slander without it sinking in. But Jewel helped her face her problem in a moment. Was Jewel being a good friend?
Another reason is that even what we call ‘little sins’ like gossip can really damage our relationships in the church. If Jewel had just kept quiet, what would have happened? She would have started getting more guarded in what she said to Cynthia. Cynthia would feel the distance and feel rejected. Cynthia would probably go right on saying things that pushed others away, too. So Jewel’s simple intervention here was very important for the church. It could have caused major ligament damage to the church, the body of Christ.
How long has it been since the last time you took a risk like Jewel? Is God speaking to you about a relationship that got knocked off track and needs an honest conversation? We need all the ligaments we can get in the church. God ministers to us through our relationships.
The Bible gives some good principles for how to exhort or admonish one another. I’ve prepared a checklist that you can go over to help yourself get ready to go and try to restore a strained relationship. It’s on a bulletin insert you all should have.
In our text for today, Paul says to speak the truth. Watch out for hearsay and gossip. If there is any doubt about what somebody actually said or did, you may be wise to go to them and start out with a question to find out if it is even true at all. I appreciate it when people come up to me and say they heard a rumor about me and want to know whether it is true or not.
And Paul says to speak the truth in love. Just venting your frustration on people won’t help anyone. The more someone already knows you love them, the freer you can be to take risks. And I like the way that Jewel began her conversation with words of appreciation for their relationship. Keep the context of love clear. You might say, “I’m raising this because our relationship is important to me.”
In Galatians 6:1-2, Paul gives us some more important principles. “My friends, if anyone is detected in a transgression, you who have received the Spirit should restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness. Take care that you yourselves are not tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
Exhortation should be done when God’s Spirit of love is in your heart. Several weeks ago we looked at Paul’s command to build one another up. It’s easy to dump on people, to hurt them. But the basic idea of exhortation is not to cut anyone down. It is to encourage them to be their best, to do better. So don’t go to anyone and say, “You’re always such a jerk.” That doesn’t help anyone. You might say, ‘our relationship would feel safer to me if I knew you would be more careful with how you speak about others.’ ‘Next time we come into this situation, could you do it this way…?’
Exhortation should be done in a spirit of gentleness. It’s so easy to let your frustrations overwhelm God’s love and just dump on people who have messed up. That doesn’t help anyone. Gentleness is important.
And Paul told the Galatians to look to themselves while they speak. Nobody likes being talked down to. Nobody has any right to put themselves up on a soap box as if they have never failed themselves. We always speak to our brothers and sisters in an awareness of our own frailties. We stand side by side at the foot of the cross. We are all sinners, here by God’s grace. And most of us will appreciate someone who will stand beside us and help us do better.
Paul describes it as bearing one another’s burdens. It’s too easy to say, ‘You are the problem, fix it!’ That puts the entire load on them. But it’s much more useful to say, ‘how can we work through this together? Let’s make this work for our Lord and his church. You are important to me.’
Those are just two verses that give us good guidance for how to repair broken relationships. Hang on to your insert and use it as a checklist when your time comes to speak a difficult truth to someone in love.
And the Bible says a lot about how to receive exhortations. If it can be hard to speak the truth in love sometimes, it can be even harder to listen to it from others. But we all need to learn to do it.
For example, Proverbs 15:32 says, “Those who ignore instruction despise themselves, but those who heed admonition gain understanding.”
If someone comes to you with a problem in your relationship or with a suggestion for how you could be a better Christian, treasure that. It’s your chance to grow and learn something about yourself. And it’s so easy to take offense, to knit pick about the way that they worded what they said, to go on the attack and list everything you can think of against them. But if you ignore it, you’re selling yourself short. You’re missing a chance to grow.
When the proverb says that those who ignore instruction despise themselves, I think that an ancient person would have understood that to mean that they are cutting off their future because they are refusing to learn.
But in our modern world, with its emphasis on self esteem, I can see another application. Often it is those who have a low self image who can’t hear when someone speaks the truth to them in love. They react to push it away rather than see it as an opportunity to learn. If you can’t bear to hear a word of advice or exhortation from someone who loves you, it’s time to look inside and ask where the resistance is coming from.
Proverbs 10:17 says, “Whoever heeds instruction is on the path to life, but one who rejects a rebuke goes astray.” There is safety in having an open, teachable spirit. But those who refuse to learn from their brothers and sisters are on the way to trouble.
Speaking the truth in love and hearing the truth in love are two very important parts of how churches grow. As we come forward to receive communion, as we remember how far Jesus came to show his love for us, let’s each make a special effort to ask God to speak to us about how we are doing at speaking the truth in love and hearing the truth in love. AMEN
Principles for Speaking the Truth in Love
1. Ephesians 4:15 But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,
a. Speak the truth. Don’t jump to conclusions. If there is doubt about what someone really said or did or intended, ask them about it to be sure you aren’t jumping to conclusions.
b. Speak it in love.
i. Our goal is to build one another up, never pull down. Make your commitment to the other person clear.
ii. Look for a specific, positive thing you can encourage them to do to make things right.
2. Galatians 6:1 My friends, if anyone is detected in a transgression, you who have received the Spirit should restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness. Take care that you yourselves are not tempted. 2 Bear one another's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
a. Go when you are in the Spirit, when God’s love is in your heart.
b. Go with gentleness. Don’t allow yourself any venting or attacking. Think how you can do it with a minimum of pain for the other person.
c. Go with humility. Remember your own temptations and failures. Don’t give in to temptations to put yourself above the other person.
d. Go with commitment. Don’t give in to the urge to just ignore them or push them away. Their problems are your problems. Your goal is to restore your brother or sister and maintain good relationships in the church.
Proverbs on Hearing the Truth in Love
Proverbs 10:17 Whoever heeds instruction is on the path to life, but one who rejects a rebuke goes astray.
Proverbs 11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace; but wisdom is with the humble.
Proverbs 12:1 Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but those who hate to be rebuked are stupid.
Proverbs 13:18 Poverty and disgrace are for the one who ignores instruction, but one who heeds reproof is honored.
Proverbs 13:10 By insolence the heedless make strife, but wisdom is with those who take advice.
Proverbs 15:31 The ear that heeds wholesome admonition will lodge among the wise.
Proverbs 15:32 Those who ignore instruction despise themselves, but those who heed admonition gain understanding.
Proverbs 19:20 Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom for the future.
