Fathering, the Great Adventure
Becoming a father is one of the greatest adventures. In this moment, our identity and title forever change. Some of us are thrust into it, and others of us planned it; either way, it’s an adventure. Throughout Scripture, we see many different types of fathers and the positive or negative wake their legacy left behind. Take for example King Saul, in whom we see the Abusive Father; he had moments of embittered anger toward his son Jonathan (1 Samuel 20:30). In King David, we see the Absent Father who was absorbed in his ventures and therefore missed opportunities with his children (2 Sam 13:21). In High Priest Eli, we note the Abandoned Father who abdicated his leadership and failed to address his sons’ need for correction and direction (1 Samuel 2:22).
In Abraham, we see the image of the Appointed Father; through his incredible faith, he became the model man, leader, and husband (Genesis 18:19). In Noah, we see the Adventurous Father who despite challenges and obstacles plowed through hardship and led his family to safety and victory (Genesis 7:13–14). And we even have the Audacious Stepfather in Joseph who in a vision discovered his calling and became the human caretaker for the God of the Universe, Jesus Christ (Matthew 1:20). Regardless of the type of earthly father we have, we feel his wake, and our children will experience ours. The question remains, how can we be the best father to the children God has given us?
If you take the time as a father to observe your children, you will discover that they are each unique and respond to life in unique ways. You will notice how they respond to crises, how they make decisions, what entertains them, and what kinds of friendships they build. At each stage of development through infancy, childhood, adolescence, and the young adult years, you are going to witness varying levels of competence and confidence that require you to parent in different ways. The key is understanding how to engage your children individually, situationally, and strategically so that you can give them great advice and be the best dad possible. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
Three Keys to Being a Strategic Father
One | Each child is individually different
Every child in your home is going to be different and needs a different kind of love, coaching, directing, and challenging. Some kids need to be pushed. Some need to be loved. Some need to be disciplined—yes, my wife and I had one we disciplined more than others. Maybe you were that son. Regardless, God creates each one different and yet still in His image. These young image-bearers, therefore, are going to have different personalities, gifts, talents, temperaments, styles, and relationships through life.
Because they will go through rapid change through their youth, they will also experience certain stimuli, pressures, and physical changes that will be overwhelming for them—and for you too. While you are going to want each of your children to act the same, grow the same, mature the same, and believe the same, they won’t. Often, we fail to remember this, and thus our expectations of them are unrealistic, which adds undue pressure for them and for you. The hope you should have is one for change. For as soon as you get familiar with one challenge in a child’s life, be prepared for the change that might individually unravel you.
Two | Each child is situationally different
From one child to the next, children are going to be situationally a little different. Some of your children will learn faster, and others slower. Some will be ultra-responsible, and others won’t. Some will be orderly, and others a little messy. Some will be smarter, and others not so much. Some will have a physical ability, and others will be a little bit klutzy. We must also prepare for this. It can be a bit irritating when you realize you must expand your parenting methods, but again, this is God’s design. This leads to the third and critical point.
Three | Each child needs a strategic fathering approach
As fathers, our end goal is to move our children from dependence to independence. Or maybe it’s better said that we want them to move from dependence on their earthly father to interdependence on their heavenly Father. Keeping this in mind, we need to embrace a strategy that supports this process. But we also need one that incorporates individual and situational differences. And here’s a strategy that can help. Consider your role and engagement with each child and situation through the lens of one of four roles: director, coach, supporter, and observer.
Every situation and child will at some point need one of these four fathering approaches. These correspond to different involvement levels moving from very involved to less involved. First, a father who is a director is one who tells it like it is. He commands, directs, and determines the direction. There are times we are called to direct as men, leaders, husbands, and fathers. We should not be directing all the time, but certain times demand this level of involvement. Out of concern for injury, at the emergence of spiritual issues, or at the threat of future danger, we may need to direct.
Second, sometimes as a father we need to coach. A coach teaches, observes, and redirects. You set a game plan, train to that plan, watch it unfold, and redirect as needed to help your children gain a win for the team. You need to demonstrate how the parts connect to the whole at each step so they can obtain a complete understanding of what success entails and what their role in the process is.
Third is the father who is a supporter. Strategically, this father is progressively less involved. He may offer verbal, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual support but is circumstantially unengaged. And fourth is the observer. This father is more like a cheerleader in the stands and is mostly unengaged, viewing his child from afar. Each of these strategies must be deployed at a different time, in different situations, with individual children. And this is what makes being a father hard; it requires us to be on our best game at home, being the kind of father that our children need at that precise moment—with the goal of moving them from dependence to independence to interdependence on God.
Frankly, each of us will find that one or another of these styles is our own default. For example, some of us are directors all the time. But this is never good for winning our children over. The worst thing you can do to a child is come on full force in the style of a director when they need a coach or maybe just some fatherly support. I guess you could phrase it “situational engagement” because sometimes we’re called to use different fatherly approaches strategically depending on the circumstances. So you can be a director one day, but you can also be a coach the next. Or you can be an observer or a supporter, depending on the readiness of your children and their competence and confidence in the tasks and issues before them.
You may start out as a director, hoping to shift into becoming a supporter one small step at a time. Sometimes you will need to increase your engagement, and other times you will need to decrease it. Either way, using these approaches for strategic engagement and knowing how to use them over time will help you to be the father your children need at the time, thereby building up their competence and confidence. Remember, being strategic means being open to a change and moving dynamically. It’s not as complicated as it may initially sound; once you start practicing this strategic approach, it will become second nature to you.
