Children Need Fathers
Children need a male influence in the home. And by influence, we do not mean just an occasional appearance or a buddy dad, but a deliberate father. While presence is a part of fathering, and sometimes children need a friend who will listen, fathering is intentional and requires a lifetime of commitment. It doesn’t happen by accident even though we may have felt accidentally thrust into it. And so fathering requires some strategy. It’s a decision and commitment.
Three Fathering Approaches
One | The producer dad
This is the father who is always doing something at work or home because he values provision and is very committed to it. Provision for his family is his principal purpose but sometimes to the exclusion of providing the one thing his family needs most: relationship. Unfortunately, he can work himself to death to provide food, finance, and fun for his family. Sometimes he’s so consumed with producing he appears distant and preoccupied, but in his mind, it’s for a good reason. Driven by a deep desire to succeed, this father has an approach his children perceive as “present but absent.” His spouse and children know he cares but in a way that lacks a necessary component. This can leave the family emotionally disconnected from their husband and father despite his drive.
Two | The buddy dad
The second type of father is the buddy dad. He is perpetually present at dance recitals and football games and appears to live vicariously through the life and accomplishments of his children. He wants to “be a bud” to the exclusion of parenting his children. He may feel that the best way to relate to his children is to support them by being like them. So when his kids’ friends are over, he acts like them, plays like them, and jokes like them. And while there’s nothing wrong with being jovial, acting like a juvenile to connect is not good fatherly behavior. Many fathers who exclusively resort to this technique do so because they lack the understanding of how to lead as a father. In the end, this leaves the spouse and children wanting for more. He may be popular for the moment, but his actions fail to produce dividends as his children have children of their own. And the cycle of buddying up to his children is repeated by the next generation. Remember, what you win your children with is what you win them to.
Three | The deliberate dad
And then finally, there is the best model. It’s the father that is a producer (within limits) and a bud (also within limits), but also deliberate. He’s observant and aware of what’s going on in his children’s lives. He may seem a little invasive at times, but it’s not just to find out what they are doing wrong—he also wants to see what they are doing right. Deliberate dads want to know how their children are handling challenges, selecting friends, building relationships, setting goals, and traversing spiritual difficulties. You need to know all of these things in order to be able to coach your children effectively.
You need to find ways to be deliberate, and not deliberately annoying, but consciously connected and deliberately directive. This is the intentional father. He’s not just reactive in traumatic events that become teachable moments, but he seeks proactive opportunities to lead and direct. And this requires engagement, forethought, and planning, which is work—some of the most important work you will do for about twenty critical years. And from child to child, this requires a situational engagement that is specific to each that will woo them into successful independence and adulthood.
