MONDAY MORNING QUARTERBACK SERIES
Let’s Quarrel About Quarreling
JAMES 4:1-6
#JAMESatCCC
INTRODUCTION… The Pig War (1859) https://www.cracked.com/article_17123_the-5-most-retarded-wars-ever-fought.html
The Americans and British had a long, awkward relationship in the century after the American Revolution. In 1859, it almost came to all-out war... over a pig. How Did It Start?
Back then, there was a boundary between the American land in present-day Washington state and the British territory to the north. The problem was nobody knew where the boundary was. The San Juan islands sat there and both sides claimed to own them. This went on for years with no problems, until the pig came along.
At some point, the British-owned Hudson Bay company set up operations on the islands and turned it into a sheep ranch, for who knows what nefarious purpose. Then, in 1859, around 25 American settlers arrived on what they assumed to be their land, no doubt surprised at there being a fairly large amount of sheep already there, each probably baah-ing in British accents.
What Happened Next? On June 15, 1859, one of the Americans, Lyman Cutlar, noticed a pig rooting through his garden and shot it. It turned out the pig was owned by Irishman Charles Griffin, a Hudson Bay employee who owned several pigs and was raising them free range-style, by letting them run around other people's yards.
Cutlar offered Griffin $10 to replace his hog. Griffin demanded $100. Cutlar defended himself by claiming that the pig shouldn't have been on his land eating his potatoes. Griffin supposedly replied with "it's up to you to keep your potatoes out of my pig."
British authorities tried to arrest Cutlar, who called on American military aid. 66 American soldiers were dispatched but the British, fearing they would lose control of the islands, sent along a couple of warships to counter the Americans. By the 10th of August, 461 Americans and 14 cannons were being faced down by five British warships carrying 2,140 men.
No one suggested simply letting the British shoot one of the American pigs to even things up. The British were ordered to storm the islands and remove the occupying American forces, which could have triggered an all-out war. But both the British and American commanding officers gave up the orders and gave their respective soldiers strict orders to only fire if fired upon. Sanity had sort of prevailed.
Who Won? No one really, though the pig totally lost. By September, everyone seemed to get bored of the whole and agreed on a joint military occupation of the island. For the next 12 years, token military forces of about 100 men lived in harmony, regularly visiting each other and having some terrific bacon sandwiches.
Do you think America and Britain could have actually gone to war over a pig?
Do you think arguments and quarrels only heat up for good reasons?
Today we are going to talk about what it means to quarrel. Now I don’t mean James Bond’s Jamaican friend from Dr. No (1962, John Katzmiller), but a “heated argument or disagreement.” We are going to talk about disagreements. Those times when we raise our voices and our blood pressures get high. Those conversations when we say things we don’t mean and act a bit irrationally in our differences of opinion. Those interactions when frustrations are at an all-time high… quarrels. Bickering. Discord. Ruckus. Spat.
READ JAMES 4:1-6 (NIV1984)
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. 4 You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? 6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."
READ JAMES 4:1-6 (MSG)
Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don’t have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn’t yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it. 2-3 You wouldn’t think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you’d be asking for what you have no right to. You’re spoiled children, each wanting your own way. 4-6 You’re cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn’t care? The proverb has it that “he’s a fiercely jealous lover.” And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you’ll find. It’s common knowledge that “God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble.”
James asks us a great question at the beginning of chapter 4. It’s not a complicated question, but is one that might take some self-reflection. James asks: “What causes fights and quarrels among you?” (verse 1). As usual, James asks a question and does not leave us hanging, but gives us an answer to help direct our minds and hearts. James pinpoints the seeds of quarrels as wrong desires inside us.
DANGEROUS DESIRES (VERSES 1-2)
James first talks about dangerous desires. He uses words like “battle” and “kill” and “covet.” None of those are good words. James gives us the picture that a battle is going on inside us because we want what we want and we can’t have what we want. We want to be right. We want to be heard. We want the other person to agree with us. We want the other person to act like us. We can also want what other people have… which is what James is highlighting in particular. We want the same house, car, or clothes. We want friends like them. We want the job they have. We ‘want’ and because of that desire a quarrel begins.
The anger because we don’t have what we want causes an argument.
The frustration because we can’t be like someone else causes a struggle.
The lack of patience with another person comes out because they aren’t doing what we want.
ILLUSTRATION… https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/scicurious-brain/you-want-that-well-i-want-it-too-the-neuroscience-of-mimetic-desire/
I'm sure we've all seen it. Kid A is playing with a toy, and the next thing you know, Kid B wants it, too. Even when there are other toys around, Kid B is no longer satisfied. He wants what Kid A has got, a phenomenon called "mimetic desire," in which one person's desire mimics that of another. Mimetic desire isn't limited to children, we've all wanted that new computer once we've seen what someone else has. The selling of luxury items has depended upon this for ages; and did you really want ice cream? Or did it look a lot better once everyone else had some?
ILLUSTRATION… the Kindle Fire (p)
I will have to say that I’m not normally a ‘want what other people have’ type of person, but I do remember wanting a Kindle Fire when they first came out in 2011. I had a regular Kindle, but I wanted a fancy new one because on a Kindle all you could do was read books. A Kindle Fire did so much more. I know because Kelly got one first. I wanted what she had. I know that a quarrel happened on more than one occasion because I used her Kindle fire and ran the battery down and then she couldn’t use it. I wanted what she had and it caused an issue. Now, she’s sitting here today so I didn’t kill her for it, as James is mentioning, but I think we can see how desires can escalate.
Dangerous desires cause quarrels and arguments because they are feelings that get out of control and spiral into something else. I started feeling one way and then as a result acted in another way several steps down the road. James says watch out for dangerous desires.
SELFISH DESIRES (VERSES 2-3)
James secondly talks about selfish desires. James has already said (3:16): “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.” In these verses, he talks about “wrong motives” and “your pleasures.” Arguments happen because we feel like our facts are correct, our opinion is the one that matters, our feelings are those that are most important, and our needs are the needs that should be at the top of the list. We believe that our perspective is the right one therefore we should be listened to. The MSG says, “You’re spoiled children, each wanting your own way.”
My immediate question is: How do I know if I am selfish or not?
ILLUSTRATION… adapted from bustle.com/articles/156815-9-ways-to-know-if-youre-a-selfish-person-and-what-you-can-do-to-turn
Here are some basic questions to answer to figure out if you are selfish: (I personally do not like the first 3)
#1 Do you get upset or do arguments happen when you are not in charge or you are not in control?
#2 In school or at work, is it often an argument in collaborative projects and assignments?
#3 In an argument with a spouse or friend, is it always their fault?
#4 Do you argue with your spouse or your parents that you want something even though you don’t need it?
#5 When you hear a sermon on forgiveness, do you argue with yourself or other people that you have forgiven?
#6 Look back on your texts or social media posts, are most of them complaints or rants all about you?
#7 Your friends fit into your schedule, but you don’t fit your schedule into your friends’ lives?
Selfishness causes quarrels because we put ourselves before others in many ways and others are doing the same and it causes conflict. It causes words to be exchanged. It causes voices to be raised. James might even say sometimes we act selfishly and we don’t ask God for the things we fight about because we know we are selfish and we know we have wrong motives. Selfishness can cause us issues.
WORLDLY DESIRES (VERSES 4-5)
James lastly talks about worldly desires. He uses words like “adulterous” and “friendship with the world” and “hatred toward God.” None of those are good words. James lets us know with no room to wiggle that you and I are either friends of God and on His side or we are friends of the world and not on His side. He gives us no middle ground on that.
Now, we have to remember that James is writing to people who are already believers in Jesus Christ. Yes, that means Christians can deal with dangerous desires. Yes, that means Christians can deal with selfish desires. We are not immune. It also means that when we get off track and we who are believers in Jesus Christ are desiring what the world promises and not what Jesus promises… we will come into conflict with ourselves and those around us who are believers.
It is quite possible that if you are enduring conflict and all parties involved are Christians, somebody somewhere in the conflict has set their faith aside and is pursuing something other than God. James lets us know that if we set aside our faith, we will come into quarrels with other people because we don’t have Jesus as our guide, our Lord, our framework, our motivation… whatever you want to call it… when we are out of step with Christ, quarreling happens.
ILLUSTRATION… Troy and Quarrels (p)
Here is where I tell you about all the times Kelly and I have argued. Here is where I tell you about the times the kids and I have not gotten along or I tell you about a vague church conflict that happened to me years ago in another place and another time. You nod your head and we move on. Go ahead and insert that story here in your mind, but what I want you to hear is that I know without a shadow of a doubt the quarrel happened because someone was out of step with God. I will say it was me. I know that when I am out of step with Christ, I make bad decisions and I quarrel with others. Maybe you aren’t like that or maybe you are too chicken to admit it, but I know I am like that. James knew there would be people like that.
TRANSITION
So, James brings up the question: “What causes fights and quarrels among you?” (verse 1). He then shares with us that the cause of quarrels are desires within us that bring us into conflict with others. It could be dangerous desires. It could be selfish desires. It could be worldly desires. To be honest, I think we could smush all three into one and just call it “sinful desires.”
My next thought was… how do we quarrel properly? Here are some options for us:
HOW TO QUARREL PROPERLY (humor)
ILLUSTRATION… adapted from Ron Kraybill, Tell it to the Church, Lynn Buzzard, David C. Cook, 1982, p. 23
1. Be sure to develop and maintain a healthy fear of conflict and avoid hard conversations at all costs. What we have to do is let our own feelings build up so we are always in an explosive frame of mind. That is very helpful.
2. If, in a heated situation, you must state your concerns, be as vague and general as possible. You see when we do that, the other person cannot do anything practical to change the situation and so everything stays the same.
3. It is also helpful to assume you know all the facts of the situation and you are totally right because your opinion is always right.
4. Whenever possible, use a Bible verse to aid your cause. Verses like “a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping” (Proverbs 19:13) and (1 Corinthians 11:3) ‘“the head of the woman is man” so you have to listen to me’ or even (2 Timothy 3:2) ‘people who are “disobedient to their parents” will bring about the last days and go to Hell.’
5. With a touch of defiance, announce your willingness to talk with anyone who wishes to discuss the problem with you, but do not take steps to initiate said conversation. You come off holy and approachable.
6. Latch tenaciously onto whatever evidence you can find that shows the other person is merely jealous of you. Make sure you bring it up over and over.
7. Judge the motivation of the other person or group on any other previous experience that showed failure or unkindness. Keep track of any angry words and make sure to bring them up again.
8. If the discussion should become serious, view any issue as a win/lose struggle. You must win at all costs. Avoid possible solutions and go for total victory and unconditional surrender. Don't get too many options on the table and never compromise.
9. Pass the buck! If you are about to get cornered into a solution, indicate you are without power to settle; you need your partner, spouse, bank, whatever. Also, make sure someone else gets the blame for the issue no matter what.
TRANSITION
Ok, so my next thought was… how do we actually quarrel properly? I looked at what James was saying, and I believe verse 6 holds some answers for us. When I am in the midst of a quarrel or arguments or some kind of conflict, what should I do. It can’t be complicated because having a complicated plan in the midst of an argument will not be followed but forgotten. So what does James say? James says “give grace” and “be humble.”
HOW TO QUARREL PROPERLY (serious)
IN ANY QUARREL, THE ANSWER IS TO GIVE GRACE (VERSE 6)
How do we quarrel properly as God’s people? In any quarrel, the answer is to give grace. Clearing up misunderstandings as they occur and reconciling with someone takes giving each other grace. Giving someone the opportunity to express themselves and perhaps get something off their chest takes grace. Forgiving someone in the middle of an argument takes grace.
Our Father in Heaven wants us to grow strong in giving grace to others because it is when we give grace that we are very much like Him. Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Just as we don't deserve God's grace in our lives, so the folks you are arguing with don’t deserve yours. It doesn't matter: We are still commanded to forgive them. Give grace.
The opposite of forgiving and giving grace can become tragic. There is no middle ground with forgiveness and grace. We either apply God's grace or we follow a road toward bitterness. Hebrews 12:15 tells what happens when we fall short of grace: “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”
Give grace that a person’s attitude was poor and they said words they shouldn’t have.
Give grace that they feel they are right even when they are wrong.
Give grace and forgive when it is another argument about the same topic again.
Give grace when the person clearly has selfish motives but can’t see it.
Give grace when someone has clearly had a bad day and their bad day has spilled over onto you.
IN ANY QUARREL, THE ANSWER IS HUMILITY (VERSE 6)
How do we quarrel properly as God’s people? In any quarrel, the answer is to be humble. Clearing up misunderstandings and hurt feelings and coming to a resolution of a quarrel may mean we swallow our pride and we are humble. Proverbs 6:2-3 says, “if you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth, 3 then do this, my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor's hands: Go and humble yourself; press your plea with your neighbor!”
Our Father in Heaven wants us to be humble in the midst of quarreling because the truth is somewhere usually in the middle. We think we are right. They think they are right. Chances are it is somewhere in the middle. Selfishness and pride will only make the quarrel worse while humbleness for everyone involved allows for the quarrel to be resolved.
Humble yourself and realize that your way and your opinion may not be as 100% right as you think.
Humble yourself and ask for forgiveness if in the quarrel you have used words you regret.
Humble yourself and give forgiveness when someone else has allowed their words to get away from them.
Humble yourself enough to think and pray about your motives when in conflict with someone.
Humble yourself to surrender if the result of the conflict doesn’t really matter.
APPLICATION
I am sure you are not in the middle of a pig war, although, I suppose it is rural Indiana and you might actually be arguing with a neighbor over a pig. So, let’s just say whatever quarrel you may find yourself in, let us first take a look at our motives. Let’s check our heart and our emotions. Let’s double check the words we say to each other to make our point. And in every situation, we can “give grace” and “be humble.”
GOSPEL PRESENTATION
I have mentioned the word “grace” several times this morning. Grace is one of the central reasons why Jesus came, why Jesus died for us, and how He can forgive us over and over. We don’t deserve to have God love us, but in His grace He loves us. We didn’t deserve to have Jesus come, but He did and He sacrificed Himself so that we could have access to God’s grace. Romans 3:22-24 tells us, “This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
What do those verses tell us?
Believe in Jesus Christ brings us into a right relationship with God.
Everyone has sinned and messed up and needs Jesus.
Grace comes to us through Jesus and pays the price for our sin.
PRAYER
