I. Introduction
In 1990, I graduated and moved to SC. Applied to receive license. Election year. If we let you get your license with long hair it will cost us votes. The Bishop at that time stepped in and made it possible to get my license. But then he taught me a very valuable lesson. He pulled me to the side and helped me develop an offense defense. He said you can allow this to make you bitter or better. The choice is yours. He was right. We have to know how to handle hurt. Jesus said that it is impossible to not encounter offense. So, if it is a given then what do we do when we find ourselves in an offended moment. Now, before we go any further I could certainly dive into Matthew 5 about going to make the matter right when a relationship is broken. Leave your offering at the altar. Or Matthew 18 - go and tell a brother he has offended you and if he won't listen then take a witness. Those are the practical steps laid out for us and they should be followed. However, it seems that in the environment we are in today more times than not either people refuse to accept fault and adjust. So how do we handle hurt? If people are going to offend us and then refuse to admit they have done so and certainly refuse to change actions and attitudes so that it won't happen again, then how do we proceed? How do we navigate that? How do we keep our sanity and our salvation? How do we stay out of jail?
I want to mention 3 things today that we are going to need to do if we want to handle hurt right. The good thing about all 3 of these things is that we can do them. We don't have to have the other person's participation or permission. These steps will allow us to walk in freedom from offense.
The first step in defense for offense will probably seem odd to you so I am just going to say it and then I will prove I am right.
Being rooted in God's Word is our best offense defense.
Text: Psalms 119:165
Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.
David says that those that love your law or your Word have such great peace that nothing shall offend them. There is that profound word again . . . nothing. The Word is such a powerful tool in defending against offense because the Word helps us know who and whose we are. The Word helps produce peace in our hearts. The Word tells us what God thinks about us. The Word of God tells us about our end. The Word of God is our defender. Our shield. Our refuge. Our strong tower.
So, if we are rooted in the Word and all the truth that it gives us we are not susceptible to lies, exaggerations, and rumors. If we love the Word, then we won't be deceived by our enemy who would like to blow things out of proportion, who will lie about motives and intentions, who will make mountains out of mole hills, who will try to divide and conquer.
So, the logical conclusion is that since I personally know no one, including the person speaking to you, who isn't susceptible to offense then I must also conclude that everyone I know is vulnerable to offense due to our lack of love/interaction/knowledge of the Word. No Word no peace when faced with offense.
The truth is most of us don't handle hurts very well because we love our rights more than we love His writes!
If we want to handle hurt correctly, then we must also make a commitment to love His Word. Not just lip service - I love His Word - but proven by devouring it so that we know how to handle the Word so that it will have the ability to handle us. It is the Word that helps us see other people as God does. Rightly discern tough situations.
Step one to handling hurts is to make sure you are immersed in the Word! You can do this even if the person who offended you never apologizes, acknowledges their error, approaches you with an olive branch. You can allow the Word to become your defense.
Grace given should result in grace giving.
I think the 2nd step to appropriately handling hurt is to stop a second and remember the grace we have received.
The truth is that "forgotten grace breeds unforgiving living."
Some of us struggle to handle offense simply because we have conveniently forgotten how much forgiveness has been given to us. Therefore, when we are wronged we want revenge and justice and there is no room in our hearts for mercy.
Listen to what Paul said about how we should handle offense in Ephesians 4:26, 31-32 (TLB).
26 - If you are angry, don’t sin by nursing your grudge. Don’t let the sun go down with you still angry—get over it quickly; for when you are angry, you give a mighty foothold to the devil. 31 - Stop being mean, bad-tempered, and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. 32 - Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God has forgiven you because you belong to Christ. (Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.)
How do we get over it quickly? How do we guard against holding grudges? We forgive as quickly and thoroughly as we have been forgiven.
In fact, in Luke Jesus addresses this in Luke 6:27-30, 37-38 He says, "“To you who are ready for the truth, I say this: Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer for that person. If someone slaps you in the face, stand there and take it. If someone grabs your shirt, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously. “Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don’t condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.”
Oh, by the way verse 38 would be more familiar to you like this . . . 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
That's right this is the section we usually land on when we want to talk about giving and getting. Sowing and reaping. But the truth is sowing and reaping isn’t just about money. With the measure you measure it shall be measured to you. Jack Hayford calls this the Law of Self-administrated
Return. Some of us are cutting ourselves off or limiting our life because we limit what we give when it comes to relationships. We determine if God's abundance will flow toward us. What is God's greatest gift to us - forgiveness!
We want to apply this law on our money but we want to ignore it when it comes to our marriage. We want it to work on our nickels but ignore how it works in relationship to our neighbor. We want it to work in our economics but want to act like it doesn’t apply to our enemies. We want to measure wrath, revenge, harsh words to them but forget that if we measure them by that measure then we can’t expect to in receive grace. We determine how much grace we receive by how much we give.
If we are going to learn to handle hurt we must be willing to operate in the same amount of grace we have been given.
Become willing to make allowances.
Paul understood that like it or not somebody somewhere would come along that would rub us the wrong way, say something or do something stupid. He knew we would have our fair share of opportunities to be offended. So, in response he teaches us to approach every relationship with a willingness to make allowances.
Colossians 3:13 (NLT)
Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
Think about that statement. Make allowance for each other's faults. Make room for mistakes. Some of us approach every relationship with so much demand and expectations that we leave no room for someone to choose the wrong word, wrong tone, or do the wrong thing or give the wrong look. Make allowance. (Almost hesitate to use the word allowance because in many homes allowance has to be earned. Here the connotation is the person does nothing to deserve this allocation.)
C S Lewis said, ‘Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive.’
But if we enter every exchange and every encounter willing to give someone room to make a mistake without it being fatal, then we are able to defend against offense. NO OFFENSE TAKEN! You don’t have to take it! I have discovered being mad/offended is easier than being like Jesus!
So here is our defense plan - love the Word, focus on the Word, see through the Word, give the measure of grace we have been given, allow people to be people . . . selfish, self centered, mean, unaware, insensitive, brash, overbearing, obnoxious . . . and therefore likely to do something that could hurt our feelings except for the fact we make an allowance for those type of actions and attitudes.
We can pull this plan off regardless if they want to participate. We can defend against debilitating offense whether they ever acknowledge they were hurtful. We can defend our hearts even if they continue to do stupid stuff.
