Acts 15 - Godly Conflict - 6/11/18
Turn with me this morning to the book of Acts, chapter 15. We are going to look at a passage of scripture today that hits us all where we live. We looked in chapter 14 last week and saw Paul and Barnabas on on their first missionary trip - and some of you might say That’s nice, but I’m not a missionary. Now, I would beg to differ with you - even though you may not realize it, you ARE a missionary. Our response should always be that of Peter and John in Acts 4 - For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard. Each one of us SHOULD be looking to tell others about the wonderful things God has done in our life.
Then last Sunday night we looked at Acts 15 and Paul and Barnabas traveling down to the Jerusalem Council - and again, some of you may think, A boring church meeting, what does that have to do with me? But if you weren’t here last Sunday night, you missed a GREAT blessing, because this is a chapter that really hits us where we are, that really speaks to living by the Spirit of God and not being weighed down by all the expectations and demands of others. If you really want to find great freedom for living the Christian life, you NEED to study Acts 15 and the Jerusalem council.
But today we are going to look at just a few verses at the end of Acts 15, and we are going to deal with an issue so common and so simple that it affects EVERY single ONE of us in the sanctuary. Here it is: CONFLICT! We have been looking at Paul and Barnabas working together, but now they separate. They separate because they have conflict. We often read the story and say “isn’t that too bad!” but we often fail to stop and consider the lessons of conflict. And that’s what we want to do today.
First, take a moment to consider the question: Is conflict good or bad? The answer is NEITHER. Rather conflict is simply an opportunity for us to respond in good or bad ways. The Chinese have a visual form of writing called “ideograms” - and their symbol for conflict is a picture of two other symbols put together: Danger & Opportunity. So in other words, they see conflict as a “dangerous opportunity.” And it truly is! It is an opportunity for us to respond either in godly or ungodly ways.
A little boy got into an argument with some boys twice his size. He drew a line in the dirt and dared the bigger boys to cross the line. The bigger boys accepted the challenge and crossed the line. Immediately, the little boy smiled and announced, “Look, now we’re on the same side!” Don’t you wish conflict resolution was that easy? Let’s just be on the same side! Let’s just agree and work together! It sounds so simple! But it can happen - after all, remember in the sermon on the mount, Jesus says “Blessed are the peacemakers.” We can choose to make peace when conflict arises.
But sadly often our practice is just the opposite. A disagreement arose in a little country church over whether the congregation should stand or sit for the reading of the scriptures. Half of the worshippers insisted on standing and the other half just as adamantly remained seated during the reading. Those who were seated often told the others to sit down. The ones on their feet encouraged the pew-sitters to rise out of respect for the Word of God. Finally they decided to let the founding pastor decide. So they set out to the nursing home.
Quite sure that his position would be affirmed, the leader of the Standers asked the old man, “Is it the tradition to stand during the scripture reading?” “No,” the old man answered quietly, “that is not the tradition.” “So,” beamed the Sitters’ top man, “the tradition really is to sit during the reading!” “No,” the old man countered sadly, “that is not the tradition.”
The pastor then said with tears of frustration, “My congregation fights all the time about this. Every time we gather to worship, they begin yelling at each other to sit or to stand…” “Ah, yes,” the old man interrupted him, “THAT is the tradition!”
Sadly, in many churches, and in many Christians’ lives, we see a tradition of not handling conflict well. And we can see this going all the way back to the early church. Acts 15, starting in verse 36.
Read Acts 15:36-41 — Pray
So what do we see here? For the Apostle Paul, the church at Antioch was not a parking lot: it was a launching pad. Barnabas brought him to teach the church there, then he left for a year and returned for a time of refreshing. Then he travels to Jerusalem, and then back home again. Now some time passes, and the itch starts to hit him. He wants to hit the road again. And the truth is that he has good motives. What was the reason he wanted to leave? “Let us go back and visit the brothers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.” Paul had a sincere desire to make sure that these new believers and the churches that he had started in Turkey were still growing and thriving. And notice that Barnabas shared that desire. They BOTH want the same thing! Their concern is perfectly in agreement. Often conflict can arise out of good desires, even when both people agree on the ISSUE. But the conflict escalates over the DETAILS. We can agree on WHAT but disagree on HOW.
So they are both in agreement that they want to go back and encourage the new believers. So Barnabas said, “Great idea, Paul, let’s do it, and let’s take John Mark with us again.” Paul replied, quickly and emphatically, “NO! John Mark won’t be joining us.”
“Oh, yes, he will,” Barnabas shot back. “Oh, no, he won’t, absolutely not!” Paul retorted. And the longer they argued, the more heated their debate became. Neither party gave up ground. Finally, the resolution was to part company and go their own ways.
So they agreed on the WHAT but disagreed on the HOW.
Barnabas insisted on taking John Mark. That’s what verse 37 says. The word translated “wanted” appears in the Greek in the imperfect tense, which means he kept on “wanting it” - he couldn’t let it go - he might have even DEMANDED that John Mark come along. He was a NAG. Some spouses are like that. They want their way, and if they can’t get it they keep asking and asking and asking until finally out of desperation their spouse gives in. Proverbs says, Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
That Barnabas would champion John Mark is certainly no surprise. He and Mark were cousins, so the family ties would be strong. But Barnabas was the kind of man who eagerly tried to help others, which is why the early church named him “son of encouragement”. He was ready to give John Mark a second chance. Can you hear Barnabas saying, “Mark is going. He has every right to take the trip with us. Yes, he failed. Yes, he walked away. No one’s denying it. But, Paul, nobody’s perfect. He was young and inexperienced then. And remember, the mission got accomplished. He walked away, but we still made it. His leaving made it harder, but God saw us through. What else are mentors for, if not to give encouragement? Barnabas “kept on insisting” that they take Mark along.
But Paul said NO! His viewpoint and opinion was just as passionate as Barnabas’. Notice in verse 38 where it says “Paul did not think it wise to take him…” This also is in the imperfect tense which means that Paul kept on insisting that it is not wise to take him. Can you hear Paul saying, “I don’t think so Barnabas - it’s not a good idea - John Mark is a quitter. Faithfulness is job one in God’s eyes and in mine as well. Therefore, he is not going with us, we just can’t take another chance on him.”
For Paul the issue boiled down to a lack of dependability. Remember Paul was a persistent man. Paul traveled thousands of miles, yet we don’t hear any complaint of fatigue, no whimpering at the hardships, no disappointment expressed of having been “crucified with Christ,” or of wasted years, or lack of family, wealth, or fame—just the joy of serving his Lord, and for the blessed hope of life to come. He was uncompromising. And all he could see was that John Mark was a quitter, and not to be trusted.
So what is going on here?
Barnabas was concerned about the man, but Paul was protecting the mission.
Barnabas was looking to the future, but Paul was focused on the past.
Paul looked at people and asked, “What can they do for God’s work?”
Barnabas looked at people and asked, “What can God’s work do for them?”
Both questions are important to the Lord’s work, and sometimes it is difficult to keep things balanced.
So, should someone who leaves people in the lurch later be allowed to go on a similar mission? Before you quickly say “What was Paul thinking? Give the kid a break!” Let’s make it personal:
Would you loan money to a person who didn’t pay off the first amount he borrowed from you?
Or would you loan your car out to a friend who wrecked your car the last time you loaned it to him?
Funny how the perspective quickly changes when we are thrust into the situation!
Does it help to look to the Scriptures for guidance? Yes, we should always seek the guidance of the scripture, but sometimes we don’t find the answers we need in scripture.
Paul could have quoted Proverbs 25:19: Like a bad tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in times of trouble.
Barnabas could have come back with Psalm 103:1-4: Praise the LORD , O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD , O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion…
So, no doubt about it, God offers second chances. Both Paul and Barnabas had scripture on their side.
What happens next? And here is where the problem lies. Vs 39 - They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. What is the problem? NOT the parting of company - but the sharp disagreement. They COULD have agreeably taken differing positions, but unfortunately a sharp disagreement comes. And instead of dealing with the issue, emotions get involved and things get blown out of proportion. The result is that they go their separate ways.
Vs. 39 says Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus. Why go there? Because that was home. Barnabas takes Mark with him and they go back to visit all the churches that got started near their home. After all, Mark didn’t leave until they left the island of Cyprus, so this was a comfortable setting of ministry for Mark. He’s already been here before and he knows these churches.
Vs. 40 says Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches. So Paul goes in the opposite direction. Paul goes north and goes to Turkey by the East road. What I find interesting is that Paul chooses someone like Barnabas in his new companion Silas. Silas is a prophet - and so was Barnabas. And just like Barnabas was an encourager, so is Silas. We see that up in 15:32. So Paul once again finds someone to help balance out his type A, driven personality.
And speaking of personality styles, our personality often affects how we handle conflict. There is a great grid of ways to handle conflict that uses animals to help us understand the best choices to make. As we talk about conflict, one focus is on achieving our goals while another focus is on maintaining relationship.
Some people are low on goals and also low on relationships - they use avoidance whenever conflict comes - We’ll call them a “turtle.” Peace is not avoiding a problem. Peace is not running from a problem, ignoring an issue, pretending that it doesn't exist, sticking your head in your shell like a turtle, or sticking your head in the sand like an ostrich. A lot of people simply avoid issues rather than face them "Let's just don't talk about it. Don't make waves." But an unresolved conflict is like termites in your relationship. If you don't deal with an issue eventually it will bring the house down. When you avoid a conflict, by just running from a problem, that's not peacemaking. That's cowardice. Peacemaking does not mean "I'll just ignore the problem, and run from it."
Some people are low on goals and high on relationships - so they just give in and accommodate the other person. We’ll call them a “teddy bear.” Peacemaking is not appeasing another person for the sake of peace. In other words, I always give in to your ways, have it your way, do it your way. God doesn't expect you to be a doormat. You study the ministry of Jesus Christ, and Jesus never backed off from a legitimate issue. When people say, "Because you're a Christian you have to give in and do what I say." -- that's called manipulation. When you always give in for the other person, that's called co-dependency. The result of accommodation is resentment. “Peace at any price” is not legitimate peace.
Some people are high on goals and low on relationships and we don’t even think about them when it comes to thinking about peace. They use attacking and we call them a shark. It’s my way or the highway. They maintain peace by running over everyone in their path, but they don’t build peace but fear and hurt.
The fourth approach to conflict is where many of us fall. We’re moderate on goals and moderate on relationship. We think that we will maintain peace by giving in. They use compromise to achieve peace. You give a little, and I’ll give a little, and we’ll work this all out. We’ll call this the fox. And this method works, it achieves peace, and it works quickly when you don’t have time for the best approach. But there is one better approach to peace.
Some people have learned how to be high on goals and high on relationship. They value people and goals highly, and both are very important. Yet, they won’t give up on either quickly. As a result they use the method of collaboration to resolve issues. We’ll call this person the owl. We all need to work as owls, not to give in just to settle a matter, but to try to work together to accomplish goals at the same time as preserving the relationship. We come away with a mutually agreeable plan. This is the way we keep peace in relationships.
So if you want find yourself in a disagreement, and you want to collaborate - to work together on coming up with the best solution for the both of you - how do you go about it? Well, Paul - the very man involved in this strong dispute - actually gives us some great keys for handling conflict. So to learn from Paul’s wisdom - divinely inspired by God - let’s go forward to the book of Philippians. From Acts, go through Romans, 1 & 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, and then you come to Philippians - chapter 2. Paul writes here some great wisdom. Here’s what it says:
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.
So let’s use some alliteration to get a “hook” for this passage. When you face conflict,
Don’t Compete - vs. 3 says, Do nothing out of selfish ambition. And that’s where the differences often escalate into emotional, heated battles. We get more concerned about “winning” than what is right. We want to come out on top - to show the other person that we were better than them. The Philipps version words it this way: Never act from motives of rivalry.
In James, we find the cause of this contention: What causes fights and quarrels? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but you don't get it.” In other words, the cause of conflict is competing desires. But instead of competing and trying to win, we need to work hard to see the other person’s point of view. That’s the UNSELFISH attitude. How do you do that? One of the best ways to understand the other person is to RESTATE their position in your own words.
When you face a disagreement, say something like this: So what I hear you saying is this . . . Your concern is this . . . Am I right that you think . . . And they will let you know if you are NOT stating their position accurately. The only way we can get to collaboration and working together is to make sure we understand each other. Take the competition out of conflict. Don’t seek to win the argument; seek to win your brother. Next,
Don’t Have Conceit - Don’t let PRIDE have any place in the conflict. Don’t think that your position is best because you are smarter - better informed - more capable - better educated - or just have better insight than the other person. The second thing in verse 3 is Do nothing out of . . . vain conceit. Realize that conceit in vain - it is empty, useless, of no value. Sort of like when they came out with those Olestra potato chips in the 90s. There was no nutritional value in them. An egotist is an "I" specialist. All he can see is himself. The Bible says "Pride goes before destruction". Or as one person has said, The person who gets too big for his britches will eventually be exposed in the end. Proverbs 13:10 reminds us “Pride only breeds quarrels.”
When you think you know more than the other person, you won’t want to work with them, listen to them, or even consider what they have to say. But when we get rid of conceit, we can discuss possibilities. We can work together to find a solution that we can BOTH wholeheartedly embrace. The third counsel,
Don’t Criticize - Where do we find that? but in humility consider others better than yourselves. The idea here is to treat others with respect. View them with great esteem and honor. Don’t put others down, lift them up! Our culture tells us that to get ahead we need to insult others, step on them, so we can rise to the top. But God’s method of rising is to help those around us. Instead of being self-centered, be other-centered. Don’t attack the person who you have conflict with. Be committed that no matter what the outcome, you will deal with the issue but not attack the person. The British admiral, Lord Nelson, once came on deck and found two of his officers quarreling. He whirled them around, pointed to the enemy ships, and exclaimed, Gentlemen, THERE are your enemies!
What typically happens is that when we have conflict and can’t get our way - then we begin to belittle and attack and insult the person. Instead, we need a commitment that this is my brother, this is my sister, and I will NOT attack them. I will choose to LOVE them! In the James 4 passage, James reminds us, There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you--who are you to judge your neighbor? Don’t criticize. Fourth
Be Considerate - Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. The word here for “look” is the word “scopos” - like a scope on your rifle. It is the idea of focusing in, paying attention, giving intense consideration. Many times we allow conflict to escalate and go down the road of ungodly behavior because we are not showing consideration. We don’t take the other person into account.
What does it mean to look to the interests of others? It’s not just asking what they want to do in a certain situation. But beyond that, how well do you know the person you have conflict with? Do you know WHY they feel the way they do? Do you know what brought them to this point? Do you know what other issues might be involved in their decisions?
There is an old indian proverb: Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins. What does that mean? Take time to consider the situation of others. Being insensitive to the needs, feelings, pressure on others will lead you to make poor choices in conflict. Peter even gives a similar instruction regarding marriage in 1 Peter 3:7 Husbands in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives so that nothing will hinder your prayers. And then the fifth guideline:
Be Christlike - Paul tells the Philippian church, Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. Jesus was a master at relationships. He is our model and great example. If you want to know how to get along with people, even those who are hard to get along with, look at Jesus. Get the same attitude that He had.
When you think about Jesus - do you think Jesus would yell and scream? throw things? slam the door? roll his eyes? use the silent treatment to manipulate? Or would Jesus always treat the person the way they would like to be treated?
What was his attitude? Verse 6 tells us - Who being in the very nature of God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped." He didn't demand His rights. He cared more about God’s will than His own desires. And then in verse 7 it says, But made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant. He had a serving attitude. And when we desire to serve others, it will change the way we relate to them.
So, how do you respond in conflict? Don’t compete - Don’t have conceit - Don’t criticize - but Be Considerate - and Be Christlike.
The Reader’s Digest tells a story about a young boy who was standing outside a veterinary clinic. When a woman saw him she asked if he was waiting to see the doctor. The boy politely replied, "Yes, I’m having my dog put in neutral." I’m sure that wasn’t what he meant. Let’s realize that we can’t just “put our minds in neutral” when it comes to conflict. We can avoid it or run from it. But we need to patiently, confidently stick with the process and look for God to bring about good. Apathy is not an option.
One of the best encouragements for us in this story comes from the OT in the story of Joseph. When Joseph’s brothers come to him - the same brothers who hated him - kidnapped him - sold him as a slave - and were the source of all the trouble in Joseph’s life - when these brothers come to him to ask Joseph to be merciful and accept them as his slaves - Joseph replies in Genesis 50:20 - You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. God can take the conflict we experience - even if others are seeking to use it to harm us - and God can bring about good in our lives. Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Let’s allow God to use the conflict we face to accomplish HIS purposes for our lives. Let’s pray.
