My best friend since High School never got married. He says it wasn’t his choice to be single. He is now in his 60’s. I learned more about unconditional love through him than from anyone else.
As an eighteen-year-old teenager, I was taken under the wing and discipled by a person in her 70’s who had never married. She said it wasn’t her choice to be single and that she always wanted to be married. She taught me, through both her words and deeds, more about the character and nature of God than all my decades of academic learning and ministry experience.
Another dear friend of mine has never gotten married. She says it isn’t her choice to be single and would still like to be married, but she says that is God’s choice and not hers. She is now in her 60’s. I have learned from her more about loving and committed devotion to God than from anyone else.
Those three people made no active choice to be single and remain celibate. Each of them wanted to be married and share their life with someone. They all thought that singleness would be for just a season in their lives. Their desires, thoughts, and feelings were, and are, quite to the contrary of being single. So, how could anyone be content to be single their entire lives?
Other than having never been married, what is it they have in common that sets them apart from so many others? The answer is that each of them fell desperately in love with Jesus early on in their spiritual walk and willingly chose to make Him their lover first, in the purest sense of the word, and find contentment in an intimate relationship through nothing else, and in no one else, but Jesus.
What is the Gift of Singleness?
The word single comes from the Latin word ‘singulus,’ which means “one only; consisting of a separate and unique whole (an individual).” Being single suggests being exclusively attentive (having an undivided heart).
In a 2018 study released by Pew Research Center, they discovered that only about half of Americans over age 18 are married. That was down from 72 percent in 1960, which could be the result of people getting married much later in life than they were just a few decades earlier. The odds of a person getting married was 28 percent for women and 30 percent for men. The study confirmed that most Americans expect to get married eventually. Twenty-seven percent said they weren’t sure whether marriage is for them and 14 percent said they don’t plan to marry at all!
There is a prevailing belief in modern culture that never getting married is a fundamental failure of fitting in and belonging. It is believed that marriage will make a person happy and is the best answer to feeling complete and overcoming the fear of loneliness, as well as satisfying the desire for intimacy and belonging. The truth is that marriage alone will not meet the needs that only family and a group of friends can provide for support and even as sources of intimacy. Most importantly, the central most fulfilling and important relationship in any culture is a person’s relationship with their Creator God and what they mean to Him and He to them.
Singleness is a gift of God’s grace. That doesn’t mean that some people must remain single by divine decree. What it means is that as long as a person is single, it is a gift from God, just as marriage is a gift if a person enters into it.
Advantages of Being Single
Singleness is not a punishment or a trial to endure. It is an opportunity to grow in other relationships within a person’s life, and most specifically, with Jesus (James 1:2-4). It is a gift that can be used to shape a person into what God wants them to be.
There are some significant and practical advantages to being single rather than married. Singleness provides the opportunity to have the undistracted freedom to focus on God and to be completely content with Him and fully consumed with pleasing Him with undivided devotion and without the concerns and challenges that come with marriage (1 Cor 7:32-35).
The gift of singleness is not about producing superior spirituality (Col 2:16-19; 1 Tim 4:1-5). There can be found great joy and purpose in singleness with celibacy (1 Cor 7:1-7). Jesus said that there are those who have chosen to remain single and celibate their entire life for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven (Matt 19:7-12).
The person who is single can direct all their focus on such things as prayer, preaching, teaching, evangelism, and discipleship training, etc., and learn “how to be holy in body and spirit,” becoming more fully obedient through dedicating themselves wholeheartedly to both the “things of the Lord” and to the Lord Himself (Matt 19:12,34; 1 Cor 7:32; Isa 56:4-5; Rom 15:17-19).
When a person focuses their attention on getting to know Jesus more intimately they will not struggle with rejection, low self-esteem, loneliness, fear, bitterness, worry, anxiety, or finding purpose in life is (Eph 2:10).
Dating
While a person is single, it provides a special opportunity for them to develop a well-balanced social life that can be a support system for years to come, including in a future season of marriage. They can spend time with others without it being an official date. If they treat everyone as the Bible commands, as a brother or sister with unconditional love, they can avoid the pitfalls and expectations of formal ‘dating.’ Dating should be no different than being together as a family on an outing that has no emotional agenda.
Dating allows a person to discover if their long term goals align, as well as the personality traits that are most attractive to them and those that are not. It also provides the opportunity to spend time with many different people who have the same desire to get to know Jesus above all else, and they don’t need to be married to feel ‘complete.’ The added benefit is that they will also discover what emotional and spiritual traits that are attractive to them.
Dating also helps when, one day the ‘right’ person comes along who effortlessly produces the Fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22) because they are madly in love with Jesus, and the realization suddenly hits them that they can’t imagine spending their life without that person in it. That makes for the best kind of marriage and becomes the grounds for a great, and long-lasting relationship rather than building it on the vaporous temperamental feelings and the fleeting emotions of ‘being in love.’
Divine Providence – A Personal Reflection
I was married for 36 years before my late wife, who after being diagnosed with a terminal illness before our getting married, finally graduated from this world as she succumbed to the ravages of severe pain and disease that brutally pummeled her body for far too many years. I was left weary, broken, and battered. The future before me was daunting and intimidating.
Throughout our life together, I struggled with the 2nd hand effects of sickness and disease. I felt like I was wandering in the desert wilderness for decades. My family was confronted with storm after storm, and crisis after crisis daily. There were also many physical, emotional, spiritual, and theological challenges that faced us both from both inside and outside the church.
Those challenges forced me to reconsider all that I had been taught about such things as forgiveness, the love of God, His goodness, divine authority, and sovereignty, as well as just how much personal accountability He has, and the responsibility every Christian has, in the struggles of life.
I survived in the perpetual uncertainty of what each day would bring and was forced to learn how to live daily and not worry about tomorrow as Jesus commanded (Matt 6:34). I still have yet to be able to honestly live moment by moment, but even now, years later since her agonizing death, I continue to grow more exponentially desperate for Jesus with every new sunrise. That is the one great experience to have come out of the many painful challenges faced, of which I am profoundly grateful to God.
Just out of High School I started going to a small rural church tucked away in the local mountains at the insistence of my best friend and found myself falling in love with Jesus along with a bunch of fully devoted lovers of God. We spent much time together and got to truly love and care for each other.
One of my dearest relationships that came out of the church was with Bob and Claudia, a couple whom I became best of friends with. I loved them dearly. Over the years, I cherished the times of contact with them, which became more infrequent when they moved out of state. They also went through some seriously hard times and struggles that challenged their marriage and health, which ultimately resulted in the death of my dear friend Bob a few years before the passing of my wife.
We had lived in different states and had not seen each other for many years but remained in contact. After my wife died, I was able to attend the wedding of their youngest son and was able to see Claudia in person for the first time in 21 years. My heart seemed to skip a beat when I saw her, and the joy and love I experienced was beyond words to describe. That kind of shook me up. I did not understand what was happening. I never thought I could feel love like this! I felt a little guilty and ill-prepared as I had become an emotional train wreck of twisted steel and broken pieces that had been left scattered and tarnished from so many years left out untouched and exposed to the painful and debilitating elements and trials of time.
I was so thankful we had stayed friends as years turned into decades. The most amazing thing to me, when I saw Claudia, was that it seemed love had just folded the span of time and space between us and at that very moment it was as if the many years that had passed between us never happened.
Meeting her 40 years prior was by the hand of God. Becoming her friend was a choice, but love is friendship set on fire, and I found myself falling deeply in unhindered love with her. We were married sometime later. I continue to feel like I have entered the Promised Land after wandering in the wilderness.
What is the Gift of Marriage?
In the New Testament, the oneness of male and female in marriage is a picture of the relationship between Christ and His Church. Every Believer is to live either in fidelity within the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman, or chastity in singleness.
I have great difficulty with those who would say that God creates humans to be heterosexual (defined as sexually attracted, or oriented, to persons of the opposite sex) or even homosexual. I believe He created humans "asexual’ in the way they are to behave towards one another until marriage. Most of human "sexuality’ is environmental and learned behavior.
Many people assume that the natural order is for a man to be sexually attracted to a woman and vice versa. For the Christian, I do not see any proof of that in Scripture. Quite to the contrary, the Bible says that there are those who can live celibate lives (Matt 19:10-12). Christians are to treat one another as brothers and sisters - first and foremost – whether they are single or not. They are one family united by Jesus’ shed blood.
"There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, MALE OR FEMALE. For you are all Christians--you are one in Christ Jesus." (Gal 3:28-29 NLT - emphasis mine)
The ultimate challenge for every Christian is to allow the Holy Spirit to transform them "into His likeness with ever-increasing glory.”
The Reflection of God
Second, only to a personal relationship with God, marriage is the single most important relationship that one will ever have. It is also the most HOLY thing a person will ever do.
Marriage is about living in harmony, commonality and agreement, which is impossible without both partners being Born-Again (See 2 Cor 6:14-7-2). It should be entered into like the High Priest entering into the Holy of Holies - with reverent fear and trepidation – fully understanding the consequences of failure. God has explicitly forbidden a Born-Again Christian to marry a non-Believer, so the discussion here is directly addressed only to those who are already Born-Again and desire to be married (2 Cor 6:14).
One of the reasons God instituted marriage was to show human beings the kind of relationship He wants to have with every person on the planet. In the Old Testament, the word “marriage” is used to describe God's spiritual relationship with His chosen people, Israel (Ps 45; Isa 54:6). When God's people fell into sin, especially idolatry, the sin was likened to adultery on the part of a wife (Jer 3:1-20). In the New Testament, the analogy is continued: Christ is the Bridegroom, and the Church is His Bride (John 3:29; Eph 5:25-33).
The Bible counsels Born-Again husbands and wives to imitate the spiritual closeness and love that Christ has for His Bride. It says that people must submit “to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. Now, as the Church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless” (Eph 5:21-26 ESV)
The Bible continues on to say that in this same way, “Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Eph 5:25-33 ESV
The Bible emphatically says that marriage must first begin with submission to one another which means to esteem one’s spouse more highly than themselves. It becomes easy for a wife to submit to her husband when she knows that he has only her best interest at the forefront of every action he takes, and every decision he makes.
The husband has been given the grave responsibility to love his wife as Jesus loves the Church! This is an impossible task apart from Him. Unless a person completely commits their marriage into the hands of God, it will be impossible to live as the Bible commands.
It has been said that marriage is a 50/50 proposition. The true ideal is that both husband and wife should work at giving 100 percent in the marriage. However, the reality is that the demands of marriage will never result in a perfectly equal sharing, but will instead, create constant changes. These changes will result in, rather than a 100/100 or a 50/50 relationship, and more realistically, an 80/20 or 30/70 or 65/35 sharing relationship.
At times, one person will be required to meet a greater measure of demands due to such factors as job security, school, children, the health of the spouse - whether physical or mental and so on. By keeping this in proper perspective, being overwhelmed by those temporary challenges that will always be a part of married life will be averted.
Commitment
Marriage is first a commitment to God and then to each other. It must be based upon that commitment rather than just upon the emotion of love. Love, as humans express it, is like a chameleon: it changes according to its environment!
What brings the most satisfaction in a marriage is the level of commitment a couple makes to each other before God. When I asked my wife to marry me, I understood that I was making a vow of commitment to God first and to my wife second. But in actuality, the secondary commitment to my wife is the same as my primary commitment to God.
Jesus taught that the greatest commandment of loving God with all our heart, soul, and mind is the same as loving another person (Matt 22:39), so my commitment to my wife is based upon my commitment to God. I also came to understand that my marriage was my ministry, and everything else was just work. The institution of marriage is a direct representation to the world of God’s marriage to each Believer as His Bride (Rev 19:7).
Divorce
My wife and I vowed to one another that we would never leave or forsake each other or use the word “divorce” in any conversation we had with each other, no matter how heated an argument, nor how terrible a wrong committed. Above all else, we were steadfast in our commitment before God because He promised to never leave or forsake us (aka Divorce), no matter what (Deut 31:6; Heb 13:5). God hates divorce just as He hates murder (Prov 6:17; 1 John 3:15; Matt 5:21-24). It is hard to justify that He would allow it for any reason for two Born-Again Christians who are married to each other.
When a husband and wife who are Believers get divorced, it broadcasts to the world that salvation is based upon works and not upon grace. This is why Jesus states there are no grounds for divorce. Look carefully at His response to a group of Pharisees that came one day to try and test Him on the subject of divorce.
They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?" Jesus then asked them, "What did Moses command you?" They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. “But at the beginning of Creation God 'made them male and female,’ 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Sometime later, when all the disciples were gathered together back at the house where they were staying, they asked Jesus about this. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery” (Mark 10:2-12).
Jesus devastated their thinking with His straightforward answer. He forced them to confront the real reason for divorce, which was the hardness of their hearts caused by their selfish needs and wants. He made it clear that once a man and woman were married, God would no longer consider them two separate people but “one flesh.”
Jesus clearly states that to the religious leaders, if for any reason, the husband divorces His wife or the wife divorces her husband, they are committing adultery. The only way they would not be committing adultery for the first time is if they had already committed it by being unfaithful. Jesus comments on this elsewhere by stating that “anyone who divorces his wife, causes her to become an adulteress,” unless she had already become one by previously being unfaithful (Matt 5:31-32 NIV).
There is no ‘exception clause’ for two Born-Again Christians getting divorced in Scripture. This is confirmed by the wording of Mark 10:11-12 and Luke 16:18, where there is no “exception clause.” When compared with the facts that God hates divorce, just like He hates murder (Mal 2:13 – 17; Prov 6:17; 1 John 3:15; Matt 5:21-24), forbids committing adultery (Ex 20:14; Prov 6:32; Matt 5:17-20, 27-28; 1 Cor 6:9); that the Born-Again Christian is commanded not to divorce (1 Cor. 7:10-11), and is to remain married to the same person unless the spouse dies; otherwise if they don’t, they are committing adultery (Rom 7:1-3).
Moses only allowed a husband to divorce his wife. Never could a wife divorce her husband! The author of the book of Hebrews writes about the divorce laws of the Old Testament and tells us that; “marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” He goes on to say, “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’” (Heb 13:4-6)
Upon review of the Scriptures, it appears reasonable that there is an extremely strong case to be made against two Born-Again Christians getting divorced for any reason - including adultery.
Forgiveness
Forgiving a spouse does not mean that there must be tolerance and acceptance of abusive behavior, whether it is mental, emotional, physical, or marital infidelity. Those types of behaviors are absolutely unacceptable and should never be tolerated by anyone. Living with the attitude of forgiveness towards the abuser is mandatory; living with the abuser is not. Forgiving another does not mean turning the other cheek and becoming their physical or emotional punching bag. It is altogether different when one is ridiculed and abused for their faith in Jesus than when they are in a personal relationship with one who is emotionally or physically abusive.
For any marriage to succeed, Born-Again partners must respond with forgiveness from the very heart of Jesus. Whether it is marital unfaithfulness, mistreatment, or any other reason, forgiveness must reign.
When someone is unable to live in forgiveness with their spouse, they are telling the world that the sacrifice Jesus made by shedding His blood upon the Cross is not sufficient enough to restore broken lives and forgive sinful hearts. Jesus said that a person must forgive another who has wronged them 490 times a day! (Matt 18:22) That is once every three minutes until it takes place!
Conclusion
The unspoken reality is that marriage, at its best, is a struggle. It can take a lifetime for two hearts of stone to be molded into one heart of flesh. Many sparks will fly, and fires started, as two unique personalities try to fit together. But one day the jagged edges will be smoothed down and ultimately fit together as they become one. Forgiveness is the key to success in marriage.
One of the fundamental truths of becoming a Born-Again Christian is that a person is placed into an eternal family with the unique gift of having an abundance of mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons, and daughters (Mark 10:29-30; also Titus 1:4).
It is God who must be at the center of a person’s life and not their spouse. Loving one’s spouse should be a natural result of loving God with all “your heart, soul, mind, and strength” (Matt 22:35–40; Mark 12:28–34; Luke 10:27).
For those who are not married, it is impossible to know for certain whether or not a person has the divine gift of singleness until they graduate from this life still single. What is certain is that God’s will is for a person who remains unmarried to be celibate, whether it be for a season or decades later in life.
Many who are presently single will one day marry. Others will remain single throughout their lives, but no Christian is single forever.
Human marriage does reflect the relationship God wants to enjoy with His people forever. The Bible speaks of Jesus as the Bridegroom who will one day return to take His Bride, the Church, to be with Him in the perfect new creation. On that day, all pain will disappear, including the pain of a difficult marriage or the challenges of singleness. God will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and a great shout will be heard: “Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready” (Rev. 7:17; 19:7 NIV).
My advice to singles is to focus all their attention on making Jesus the love of their life, and if they still feel the need to get married, then let Him choose a spouse for them. This doesn’t mean “there’s someone just around the corner” for them, or that God will 'provide' them with the perfect “soul mate.” However, I do know as a certainty that God always gives the best to those who leave the choice with Him.
It is my personal belief that any man and woman who are fully devoted followers of Jesus can spend the rest of their lives with each other and have a great intimate marriage without riding on the fleeting roller coaster called ‘emotional love.’
The most important truth of all is that God has chosen the Born-Again Christian for His own and longs to ravish them with His love, which transcends any earthy emotion, whether single or not. They are to keep their eyes fixed on Heaven. Human marriage matters, but it will not last forever (Mark 12:25).
If a person remains single, they should make the most of it in undivided devotion to God. If they choose to enter into marriage, they must realize that the only perfect spouse is Jesus, who is the author and finisher of their faith. Their relationship with Him, the Bridegroom King, must always come first.
One day soon, “in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye,” we will hear the joyous music of the great and final wedding march! - at “the last trumpet’s sound,” and we will join the great procession of believers together as the Bride prepares to meet at last Her Groom face to face! (1 Cor 15:52)
“For blessed art those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb.” (Rev 19:19 KJV)
“He who testifies to these things says, ‘Yes, I am coming soon.’ Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.” (Rev 22:20 NIV)
