AFFAIR-PROOFING YOUR MARRIAGE
Ten Commandments That Build Strong Families - Part 7
Exodus 20:14
God has given us Ten Commandments for our benefit. These 10 Values are meant to protect you
and protect your family from living in pain.
Exodus 20:14 -- our seventh commandment -- "You shall not commit adultery."
FIRST: A WORD FOR THE SINGLES
Why Say No to Sex?
1 Peter 2:11 – “Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires,
which wage war against your soul.”
If you have hung around the church for very long, you have probably heard that God wants
people to reserve sex for marriage. For many people, including those inside the church, it does
not make sense. If sex feels so good, and is good for the relationship, and both people are
consenting, then what is the problem?
Consider this viewpoint: When someone can say no to sex while dating, their behavior is a sign
that he or she is capable of delaying gratification and exhibiting self-control, which are two
prerequisites of committed love. If someone cannot delay gratification and control himself or
herself in this area, what makes you think that they can delay their own gratification in other
areas of sacrifice? What is going to curb the “I want what I want now” mentality in the rest of
life? If someone is able to respect the limit of hearing no for sex, then that is a character sign of
someone who can say no to their own desires and hungers in order to serve a higher purpose, or
to love another person.
You are going to want to be with a person who can deny himself or herself for the sake of your
relationship in many areas. Think of the areas of sacrifice that a relationship takes. There are
competing times in your life, times when the needs of your job, or your friends, or the church
might compete with the needs of your family. If you regularly sacrifice for the benefit of your
significant other, then you will be able to more likely control your need for immediate
gratification where sex is concerned.
You need someone who has the ability to work out conflict. One person is hurt and wants to
strike back in anger or hurt, yet to reconcile, the ability to put one’s own desires aside for the
sake of the relationship is necessary.
Wouldn’t you want to be with a person who can hear and respect the “no” of others? Having a
boundary in sex while you are dating is a very important test to see if the person loves you. We
have all heard people refer to the line “If you love me, you will.” In reality, you should say back,
“If you love me, you won’t make demands that I do not feel comfortable with.”
Love waits and respects, but lust must have what it wants now. Are you being loved, or are
you an object of self-serving lust? Saying no is the only way to know.
We cannot overemphasize the value of dating a person who can delay their own gratification. If
you are with someone who ultimately has to have what they want when they want it, you are in
for a long time of misery. Choose someone who can delay gratification for the sake of you and
the relationship. To the extent that he or she says, “I must have what I want now,” you are in
trouble. Boundaries with sex are a sure-fire test to know if someone loves you for you.
SECOND: A WORD TO COUPLES
Nothing destroys a family faster than adultery. God says by following this commandment, you
are protecting your family.
The purpose of today's message is not to resurrect your past. If you have confessed a sin to God
and you've been forgiven God has forgiven it and forgotten it and you need to too.
Don't let Satan condemn you for things that are in your past and have already been forgiven and
forgotten when you've changed from it.
Today we’re going to focus on preventing future pain in your life and in your family’s life.
God invented sex. But like everything it must be controlled. He wants you to use it not abuse it.
All of God's gifts have limitations on them. God has given us the gift of water. You can't live
without water. But too much of it and you'll drown. God has given us fire. Fire can either warm
you or burn you. Money can be a gift or a curse, It's how you handle it.
God says I've given you a need for physical contact. Properly controlled and expressed within a
marriage it's beautiful and fantastic. But outside of marriage it is destructive and detrimental to
your health as a human being -- emotionally, spiritually, physically, in every way.
God wants us to use sex as a tool for building a marriage not destroy it. In Hebrews 13:5
"Husbands and wives be faithful to each other. God will judge those who are immoral and
commit adultery."
In today's world where the values are basically says anything goes.
Sex is used to sell everything from cars to bananas, you don't stand much of a change of
remaining pure unless you establish some guidelines for your life. Readers Digest did a study
and said fifty percent of all husbands and 35% of all wives have committed adultery. This is
happening even among Christians.
The Bible says affairs are a trap, meant to destroy you and your family.
Let's go directly to the six steps on how to affair proof your marriage.
1. MAKE A COMMITMENT TO GOD'S STANDARDS.
Regardless of your past, regardless of your failures, say today I'm going to make a commitment to
maintain God's standards. That means you agree with God about what He says about sex. God's
standards have never, never changed. The Bible says that sex is for marriage only -- not before
marriage, not outside of marriage.
Ps. 119:9 "How can a person keep his way pure?" The answer is by living according to Your
word."
Adultery or sex outside of marriage is never an option, under no circumstances is it OK. Joseph
in the Old Testament was seduced by Potipher's wife. He had every reason in the world to give
in to that temptation -- I'm young, I'm single, it's an acceptable practice in this society, she wants
it, I had a terrible family life, I feel deprived of love, I deserve some pleasure. Instead he said "I
will not sin against my God." The Bible says when he was tempted he turned and ran. Maybe
that's what you need to do too.
You say "but my wife/husband is not meeting my needs." That is an excuse.
All of us will go through seasons when our marriage partners will not be available. It could be
due to sickness, pregnancy, emotional issues in the relationship, perhaps there’s travel distance,
or exhaustion from being too busy. There will be times in every relationship when we will need
to be patient and to find other ways to satisfy our need for intimacy.
Proverbs says "Be faithful to your own wife. Give your love to her alone." This is not a
suggestion. It is a commandment. It's the first step if you want to protect your marriage.
You need to say to your mate, I have decided that by God's grace regardless of what choices you
make in our marriage, I will never be unfaithful to you. It's my choice. It's my decision.
Regardless of what you do, I will never be unfaithful to you. That's the starting point to
protecting your marriage.
You need to affirm this not only to your partner but all to your friends, relatives, the people you
work with so that there is no doubt about where you stand on this issue.
Say to the people around you, "I'm not available. I'm off the market. It's non negotiable. Don't
even think about flirting with me."
2. MAGNIFY THE CONSEQUENCES
Remind yourself of the devastation and destruction caused by sexual sin. Prov. 6;32 "The one
who commits adultery is an utter fool for he destroys his own soul."
Nothing damages emotions like sexual sin. Sexual sin leaves permanent scars. The sense of loss
to everyone involved is enormous. Prov. 6:26 "Adultery will cost a man all that he has."
If you’re struggling and having a tough time, you’re not satisfied and you're looking around. No
matter how high the cost of restoring and repairing your marriage and making it work, the cost of
adultery is always higher. Everybody looses. God put this commandment in here for our benefit.
He says, I don't want to cause you pain.
Three reasons to stay sexually committed:
1. I love Jesus Christ. I owe Him my life. Jesus said, "If you love Me, keep My
commandments." There's no doubt that God says no to sex outside of marriage.
2. I love my spouse and kids. The thought of hurting them and what that would do to them
is almost unbearable for me to even think of.
3. I fear the judgment of God. The Bible says, you don't do this and get away with it. You
reap what you sow.
Adultery is ultimately selfishness. It's saying "I'm going to put my needs and what I think is
right, my pleasure ahead of everything else -- ahead of what God says, ahead of what it will do to
my husband or wife, ahead of what it will do to my family. It's basically saying forget the world,
I'm doing what I want to do. That is selfishness. That is not love.
So you make a commitment to God's standard and you magnify the consequences of hurting your
family.
3. MAINTAIN YOUR MARRIAGE
If you focus on a growing relationship with your spouse you will reduce the pull and attraction of
adultery.
I Cor. 7:3 "A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, a wife should fulfill her duty as a wife and
each should satisfy the other's needs."
What kind of needs are we talking about?
Dr. Willard Harley, a counselor in Minnesota, wrote a fantastic book His Needs, Her Needs. He
has identified through thousands of couples what he thinks are the top 5 needs of most men and
the top 5 needs of most women. See if you see any similarities between these two lists:
The top five needs of most men are:
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship
3. An attractive spouse
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration
The top five needs of most women are:
1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and openness
4. Financial support
5. Family commitment
Did you see any similarities between those two lists? No. No wonder we have so much trouble
adjusting in marriage.
Solution: LEARN WHAT IS YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS AND DETERMINE TO MEET THEM!
Even if they are not necessarily your needs or you don't have them in the exact same way. If you
will try to the very best of your abilities to meet their needs, this will go such a long way in
protecting your marriage.
I Cor. 7:5 "Do not cheat each other of normal sexual intercourse or you will expose yourselves to
the obvious temptation of Satan." The Bible says sex is a spiritual responsibility in marriage
and to deny each other or to restrict each other is to ask for trouble.
When you stood before a judge or a pastor and committed your life to another person in marriage
You are saying "For most of the needs I have in my life, especially these top five, I'm looking to
you as the one to meet those needs."
Unfortunately many men and women feel cheated. Because the needs of men and women are so
different, there’s inevitable conflict in their sexual relations. Again, the solution is to invest
emotionally, spiritually and physically in your marriage.
Make it a goal in your marriage to be best friends. Why? Mary Alda, the wife of Alan Alda, the
actor, said, "It's real easy to leave your spouse. It's not easy to leave your best friend."
How do you build a friendship?
Time
You cannot be best friends with someone you don't spend time with, that you don't see very
often, that you don't talk and tell your heart to.
Spend time together without the kids, just to encourage and increase your friendship.
4. MANAGE MY MIND
There is really no such thing as a one-night stand. It doesn't happen that way. There's a process,
a whole series of events, FOLLOWING ARE 4 STEPS THAT LEAD TO ADULTERY:
Step one towards adultery. Accepting sinful thoughts in my mind.
The battle for any temptation begins in your mind. What you think about, you'll eventually feel
and what you feel you'll eventually act on.
James 1:14-15 "Temptation is the pull of a person's own evil thoughts and wishes. These evil
thoughts lead to evil actions, and afterwards to death."
You become what you think about. If you think about positive, good, happy, loving, kind things,
that's the way you will act. if you think lustful, dirty, trashy, obscene thoughts, that's the kind of
person you will become. It's impossible not to be affected by what you let into your mind.
2 Tim. 2:22 "Turn your back on lustful desires and give your positive attention to goodness,
integrity, love and peace."
Rom. 16:19 "I want you to be wise about what is good and innocent about evil."
Simple Fact: Attraction to others increases when you are at odds with your significant other.
Those things that come into your mind, those relationships, those thoughts, they are not harmless.
They are not innocent. If they are not dealt with they could lead to all kinds of trouble and
heartache in your life. Get serious about what you dwell on in your mind. You are the only one,
you and God, are the only ones that really know what you really think.
You have to limit what you expose your mind to. There are some TV shows you can't watch.
Some books you can't read. Some songs you shouldn't listen to. Some places you shouldn't go
to. Why? Because they feed temptation in your mind. If you are wise, if you are smart, you will
stop the battle ground right there. If you don't, it can lead to the next step.
Don't repress your sexual drive, don't release it illegitimently, but rechannel it in a way that
pleases God.
Step two towards adultery: Emotional non-physical involvement.
To assume that all is well between a man and a woman because there is no physical contact is a
mistake. You're fooling yourself. By an emotional involvement I mean that you look to another
person other than your spouse for the deep emotional needs that we all have for understanding,
support, sympathy. If you are looking to someone other that your spouse for those needs to be
met you are in an emotional affair that can lead you even further into sin.
I met a dedicated Christian woman who told me that she was in a very unhappy marriage,
unsatisfying, unfulfilling. There was a man in her church she had begun to talk to, to share her
problems with. He was so kind, so tender, so sympathetic understanding the pain she felt. "But
he's never touched me. If he ever does, I'm a gonner!" Emotional adultery WILL lead to physical
adultery. Don’t fool yourself! Take it seriously and understand it is sinful and it can destroy you.
It can lead to the next step.
Step three to adultery: Physical involvement
Once you've crossed the line to physical contact the pull of the sin is horrendous. To try to break
a relationship that has crossed those physical lines and emotional boundaries, will take
everything you have with the grace of God to break through. People who have talked to use who
have committed adultery have told us that the power of the love and the passion they feel for this
person is like nothing else they have ever experienced before. To think of letting go of that is the
most difficult thing they have ever had to do. Don't cross emotional, physical and spiritual lines.
They are there for your protection.
Step four to adultery: Rationalizing the affair
We are great in deceiving ourselves. Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful and desperately
wicked. Who can know it?"
You can convince yourself that anything is OK given the circumstances. Some of the excuses we
have heard: "If only my husband/wife met my needs, I wouldn't be doing this." "Just one more
time." "We love each other."
Love approved of by God will never fracture your family.
5. MAINTAIN PROPER RELATIONSHIPS.
Most affairs occur between close personal friends, co workers or family members. Since we
obviously have to deal with people every day of our lives how do you maintain a proper
relationship in casual relationships?
1. Don't regularly listen to someone tell you about their marriage problems. It is so
tempting to think that you can be a good listener and sympathetic. The temptation is to think
"I would never treat you like that. I would treat you much better than that." Steer them to a
pastor or counselor for their relationship problems.
2. Do not go fishing for compliments. If you’re feeling neglected, it does not mean that
you're to look outside of your marriage relationship for those deep emotional needs. Empty
feelings are to be given to God. It is illegitimate to seek a person to meet the need in your
heart. Don’t spend a lot of time admiring someone and telling them how wonderful they are.
It’s a setup. If you're impressed, keep your comments short. If you feel your attraction
growing, it's better to say nothing in terms of compliments than to give the wrong signal off.
Be careful.
3. Be aware of a growing attraction. Notice those sparks of electricity between you and
another person. Your natural attraction to people will always be there. But you have to
control it when you’re in a committed relationship.
If your heart is hurting because it doesn’t seem like your partner wants you or is responsive
to you, it's very easy to feel attracted to others outside your relationship. You can either
move towards your attraction or pull back from it. If you value your mate and your family
say "No, I love my family and I'm not going to risk what I have just because of my fantasies,
or because someone returns my attraction."
4. Avoid a prolonged stare. Flirting happens, but if your are married, control that urge!
If you are married, flirting is over. It's a game that you are no longer a player in. It's
misleading. Avoid a prolonged stare -- it signals interest.
5. Avoid a lingering touch. It's a dead give away of sexual interest, if a person hugs you
too long, or touches you in a way that feels uncomfortable. They are signaling they want to
go further. Don't do it. And beware if someone does it to you. They are opening a door to
you to see if you will walk through it and take the relationship to another level
Watch out for these behaviors. Be serious about keeping in place emotional and sexual
boundaries. Take this seriously, it's for your protection.
Ephesians 5:3 "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality." it takes
more than good intentions to remain pure. You need a plan.
6. MINIMIZE THE OPPORTUNITY
Don't place yourself in situations where you know you're going to be tempted. Recognize the
circumstances and the people that could turn you on, that weaken your standards, that cause you
to be aroused, stimulated. Be alert and be aware of them.
I Cor. 10 "Be careful. If you're thinking `I'd never behave like that" let this be a warning to you.
For you too may fall into sin."
When you say it can never happen to me, the fact is nobody is immune. Given the right situation,
anybody is capable of anything given the right circumstance. You have to put guards around
your life and set up standards to keep you doing what is right.
Spouse try to limit separate travel, and separate holidays. Call home every night and talk to your
family. Do the things that keep you in touch. Set up these standards to protect you.
Another thing you need to do is choose your friends carefully. "Bad company corrupts good
character."
It is well documented that most affairs occur between couples that already know each other.
They are already good friends. Make sure that your best friends are as strongly committed to
their marriage as you are to yours.
We live by law, not by grace in this area. It’s better to be legalistic in the area of your sexuality
than to sin against your family. Minimize the opportunity for temptation to occus.
THE PATHWAY BACK TO PURITY
If you've been unfaithful there is still hope. Come to Jesus christ for cleansing.
Three steps to recover purity:
1. Acknowledge the sin.
Ps. 51, David's prayer when he committed adultery.
Adultery is unacceptable to God, it always has been it always will be. Homosexuality is
unacceptable to God, it always has been it always will be. Pornography is unacceptable to God,
it always has been it always will be. God does not compromise on this.
We are a community of forgiven sinners. There are no perfect people in this church and it is not
a place for self-righteousness. It is a place to come and get your act together and a place to come
to find forgiveness and healing and a new life and break the power of temptations with God's
help.
2. End the relationship immediately.
Do it now. "Today if you hear God's voice don't harden your heart" the Bible says. Take action
immediately. Don't delay.
3. Avoid all contact with that person from now on.
You can't be friends after you've been lovers. End the relationship cold turkey. No more emails,
texts, letters, cards, visits, meetings to explain it (call them on the phone to explain it), if they
keep calling you. hang up. Do whatever it takes to void that situation. If it means change jobs,
do it. Better that than lose your soul, and lose your family. If it means changing churches, do it.
Whatever it takes to break the relationship.
Maybe you've realized that some thoughts in your life aren't harmless and you need to say, "God,
help me change my thought life." Maybe you've been involved in an emotional attachment and
think there's no sex involved so it's OK. Nip it in the bud. Maybe you've had the heartbreak of
an affair in your marriage. There is hope for restoration, come to Jesus for cleansing and healing
and break the emotional, physical and spiritual ties to the person outside your family and
marriage and seek to be reconciled back to your spouse and family.
