LET THERE BE LIFE
Ten Commandments That Build Strong Families - Part 6
Exodus 20:13
Were in Part 6 in the series “Ten Commandments That Build Strong Families.”
Exodus 20:13 is very simple, just four words: "You shall not murder."
Some of you are saying, we can skip this one. Probably your urge to murder doesn't happen very
often, except when you're on a packed, stalled subway or highway. A lot of you may think you
don’t need this message....so you think.
Clarence Darrow once said, "I haven't killed anybody, but I've read a whole lot of obituaries with
glee."
I. WHAT DOES THE COMMAND “THOU SHALL NOT MURDER” MEAN?
The very first murder happened in a family. Cain killed his brother. In fact, today, most violent
crimes and most murders occur between family members. Domestic Violence is the largest
destroyer of marriages and families.
How many families do you know who are destroyed by violence and anger and bitterness. There
may not be a physical murder but many of us can attest to families who emotionally murder each
other, spreading seeds of resentment that often poisons the current and future generations.
II. HOW THIS COMMAND APPLIES TO THE FAMILY
God is saying “Value the way you treat your family!”
2. God says GED RID OF ROOTS OF ANGER and BITTERNESS
Violent, selfish, controlling, angry and unforgiving emotions kill families.
One of the most important life skills that you must learn is this: conflict resolution, how to
resolve a conflict and how to restore or reconcile a strained or broken relationship. If you don’t
learn this you’re family life will be miserable!
We’re imperfect and different, we will rub each other the wrong way. Conflict happens so easily
in families. If you run from conflict by staying away from your family, it’s not going to work,
you’re going to be miserable and unhappy much of your life because God made your family to
fill a special place in your heart and avoiding them will always keep that place empty and lonely.
Conflict resolution is an important skill for a strong and healthy family. You have to know how
to resolve a conflict, if you’re a parent, with your spouse, with your children, with friends, in the
community, at church, in a ministry group – literally everywhere.
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Here’s the problem. Nobody teaches you how to do it. Most of our parents were not very good
models of conflict resolution because nobody taught them. You didn’t ever take a class on how
do you restore a broken relationship. Yet this is one of the most important skills to your
happiness in life.
We’re going to look at the seven steps of how to resolve a conflict and restore a broken
relationship. We’re not going to get relief from conflict by killing our relatives, we’re going to
learn how to live in PEACE with them!
Matthew 5:9 says this “God blesses those who are peacemakers. They [peacemakers] will be
called the children of God.”
The proof that you are really a child of God is you’re a peacemaker.
Peacemaking is not: avoiding, or appeasing. Some people think “I know how to keep peace in my
marriage; I learn not to rock the boat. I sweep everything under the rug. I swallow it. I grin and
bear it.”
That’s not peacemaking; that’s cowardice. That doesn’t help or heal your family. Peacemaking
is not running from the problem. It’s not appeasing. Appeasing means always giving in. You
always let them get their way. It’s peace at any price. That’s called codependency. Jesus Christ
never ran from a legitimate conflict. He knew how to deal with it face on and how to resolve it
and how to restore a relationship.
The Bible says God blesses those who are peacemakers.
There are 3 reasons why we need to deal with our anger and resentment towards our
family members?
o Number one, it blocks my fellowship with God.
Unresolved conflict blocks my fellowship with God. You cannot be right with God and wrong
with other people.
God says you can’t be right me and wrong with others. The Bible says in 1 John 4 “You can’t
love God whom you’ve never seen if you don’t love the people you do see. To claim that you love
God while hating others makes you a liar.
o It blocks my prayers from being answered
It keeps my prayers from being answered. Did you know that when you’re out of whack in
relationships the Bible says God cannot hear your prayers? Why? Because God is love and the
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number one thing God wants you to learn as his child and representative is to learn how to love.
And if you’re in conflict with people you aren’t loving them at that moment.
First Peter 3:7 “Husbands, be considerate of your wives, and treat them with respect... so that
nothing hinders your prayers.”
We need to resolve conflict within our families, The Word says “Love God with all your heart
and love your neighbor as yourself.”
o STAYING IN CONFLICT blocks my happiness!
You can be the most famous and wealthy celebrity on the planet and if your relationships are
sour, life is sour. If your marriage isn’t working or if you’re out of harmony with your kids or you
don’t really have any close friends or you’re out of fellowship with your own family it doesn’t
matter how much you have, peace in your family is worth everything!
A happy family is not a family with a lot of material stuff, a happy family is one with peace and
joy in each other’s company.
The Bible says in James 3:18 “Those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a
harvest of goodness.”
If you want God’s goodness in your family, become a peacemaker!
How do you do that? You plant seeds of peace.
Whatever you sow you will reap. If you sow gossip people are going to gossip about you. If you
sow anger in your children they’re going to be angry at you. If you sow bitterness you’re going
to get bitterness back. If you sow resentment you’re going to get resentment back. It works either
way. If you’re generous with people, people will be generous with you. If you’re kind with
people, people will be kind to you. If you’re generous with praise people will be generous with
praise.
If you plant conflict you’re going to reap more conflict than you can imagine. And if you plant
jealousy you’ll get that back. On the other hand if you learn how to plant seeds of peace, your
family life is going to have a lot of peace.
Let’s look at these seven steps to resolving conflict in your family.
If you want to be a peacemaker...
1. MAKE THE FIRST MOVE
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You make the first move. Don’t wait on somebody else. Take the initiative. I know what you’re
thinking – “It was all their fault. When they make the first move, I’ll be glad to resolve the
conflict.” No. God expects you to make the first step. That’s what’s called BEING a
peacemaker.
God says reconcile your relationships – have harmony in your relationships. Don’t leave certain
family members out because you find them annoying. Jesus supped at the table with Judas. If
you’re out of whack with someone right now Jesus says: RECONCILE
Jesus said in Matthew 5:23 “If you’re standing before the altar in the temple and you’re giving
an offering to God and you suddenly remember somebody has something against you [It doesn’t
matter if you’ve got something against them or they’ve got something against you] you leave
your offering there beside the altar, go at once and first be reconciled...
Top priority in your FAMILY first be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your gift to
God.”
Reconciliation takes priority. Don’t procrastinate, don’t postpone, don’t delay, don’t make
excuses.
Some of us have relationship conflicts that have gone on for months or years or conflicts that go
back generations. God says stop relational death in your FAMILY. You don’t realize how
much separation and resentment in your family is hurting you spiritually. It doesn’t matter
whether you’re the offended person or you are the offender or it’s a little of both. God says you
make the first move.
Conflict is never resolved accidently. It’s always intentional. Conflict never resolves itself.
Time heals nothing. And the more you put it off the worse the problem gets.
Write this down. The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it.
Genesis 3 “Adam said to God, ‘I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked;
and so I hid.’”
Notice he says I’m afraid because I was naked. What’s he talking about? I feel vulnerable. I feel
exposed. I’m not covered up. So I was afraid and I hid. In relationships. We hide. We’re afraid.
We’re afraid of vulnerability. We’re afraid of being exposed. When we hide, that does three
things. It makes you distant. It makes you demanding. And it makes you defensive.
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The Bible says this in 2 Timothy 1:7 “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a
spirit of power, and love, and self-discipline.”
We must very practical steps, cannot be done unless you get filled with God’s love because it’s
the love of God that’s going to eliminate the fear. And then you have the courage to make the
first step.
How do you get that love? You ask God for it.
Here’s the second step:
2. ASK GOD FOR WISDOM
If you don’t know how to reconcile with your family members, how to approach that person who
regularly gets under your nerves, ASK GOD – HE MADE THEM! Ask God for wisdom. James
1:5. “If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him and He will gladly tell you.”
1. Make a decision to reconcile
2. Ask God for wisdom as to how to approach the person.
say “God I really need your help. I need you to fill me with love. And I don’t know what to say,
we always end up arguing. God help me plan a peace conference.
Ask God to give you the right attitude and be ready to reconcile.
3. BEGIN WITH SEARCHING YOUR HEAR TO SEE WHAT’S MY FAULT.
When you get together, don’t start with what they’ve done wrong. Don’t start with accusations.
Start with searching your heart to see if you’ve been judgmental or unforgiving or critical
towards them.
The conflict may be mostly their fault. But in every conflict each person can find something to
confess. Look inside and see if you made any mistakes, or had a poor response in the
relationship.
Always look at what’s going on inside you.
The cause of most conflict is self-centeredness, pride and ego.
It’s very easy to hurt people when you’re full of yourself.
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The Bible says in James 4:1 “What causes fights? What causes fights and quarrels and
conflict among you? They are caused by the selfish desires that are continually at war inside
you.”
The truth is you can get along with anybody that you choose to get along with.
It’s always more rewarding to resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship.
The second cause of conflict is pride.
In pride I’m stubborn. I get my feelings hurt easily. When my ego gets wounded, we will have a
conflict.
Proverbs 13:10 says this “Pride only leads to arguments.”
Here’s what Jesus said. Matthew 7:3 and 5 “Why do you notice the little piece of dust in your
friend's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of wood in your own eye? First, take the wood out
of your own eye. Then you will see clearly to take the dust out of your friend's eye."
Ask yourself, am I being over sensitive? Am I being ungrateful and I just haven’t shown
gratitude to this person and that’s hurting. Am I being over demanding? Do an honest
evaluation.
4. LISTEN FOR THEIR HURT & PERSPECTIVE
It’s very important to listen for hurt because there’s always hurt in a conflict. We think we argue
over ideas. But we actually argue over our feelings. Any time there’s a conflict somebody got
their feelings hurt. Somebody felt abused. Somebody felt slighted.
Hurt people hurt people. The more I’m hurting the more I lash out at everybody else. People who
aren’t hurting don’t hurt others. People who are filled with love are loving to others. People
who are filled with joy are joyful to others. People who are filled with peace are at peace with
everybody else. But if I’m hurting inside I’m going to hurt you. And the more I hurt the more
I’m going to hurt you. The more I’m going to lash out.
When people feel they’re not listened to they get mad. If you want to connect with people you
must start with their needs, their hurts, and their interest.
If you want to connect with people, that’s where it starts. Listen for their hurt.
James 1:19 says this “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”
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Philippians 2:4-5 says this “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to
the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.”
Romans 15:2 “We must be considerate of the doubts and fears of others Let's please the other
fellow, not ourselves, and do what is for his good and thus build him up in the Lord.
5. SPEAK THE TRUTH TACTFULLY!
The truth sets you free but you’ve got to say it with love. Say it with kindness.
People say, I just tell it like it is! That’s called being rude. Don’t be proud of that. It means you
don’t really care about other people’s feelings, you just want to get it off your chest.
Ephesians 4:15 “Speak the truth in love.”
The truth is not enough. It’s not just what you say; it’s how you say it. If you say it offensively it
will be received defensively. Seek to speak to your family in love. Parents, the moment you start
yelling at your kids they’re not listening to a word you say. All they’re hearing is emotion. And
they will remember the emotion and will not remember the words.
You are never persuasive when you are abrasive. You never get your point across by being
cross.
People are always more receptive to the truth, even hard truths, if it’s said with kindness and
consideration and respect.
Truth without love is resisted. Truth with love is received.
Proverbs 12:18 “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
Ephesians 4:29 “Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and
provide what is needed.”
6. FIX THE PROBLEM, NOT THE BLAME!
This is the sixth key to resolving conflict and restoring relationships. Focus on fixing the
problem instead of laying the blame. Learn to attack the issue, not each other. In marriage and
partnerships, realize you’re both on the same team. Stop wasting energy on the wrong thing,
seek solutions instead.
Colossians 3:8 “You must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander,
and filthy language from your lips.”
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That means no insults. No belittling, no labeling. Fix the problem not the blame.
Finally the seventh step is...
7. FOCUS ON RECONCILIATION, NOT RESOLUTION.
Reconciliation means reestablishing the relationship. That means bury the hatchet. It means come
to be at peace with each other. Stop holding onto any hurt, Reconcile.
Resolution means we resolve every disagreement. And that isn’t going to happen. Because the
truth is, there are some things in your marriage, your friendship with other people, you’re just
never going to agree on, because we’re all different. But you can disagree without being
disagreeable. That’s called maturity. That’s called wisdom. That’s called Christlikeness, being
like Christ.
We can walk hand in hand together without seeing eye to eye on everything. Let something’s go.
Choose your battles and turn a blind eye to some inconsequential things.
If you focus on restoring your relationship, oftentimes the issue becomes insignificant.
In the world where there is constant conflict, wars, division, arguments, stress between people,
there is prejudice and racism and clashes, violence and tribalism and terrorism and partisanship
and people attacking each other constantly. As a result we have broken relationships. And we
have broken lives and broken hearts and broken families.
My challenge to you is will you commit to becoming an agent of reconciliation in a world filled
with conflict?
Become a bridge builder not a wall builder. Look for ways to bring people together rather than
tear them apart. Promote PEACE because this is your ministry from God.
Even relationships you thought were dead or hopeless will be restored to life, if you focus on
having peace first with God then ask him to help you to live in peace with your family members.
Second Corinthians 5:18-20 says this “God has restored our relationship with him through
Christ, and has given us the ministry of restoring relationships.”
“God blesses those who are peacemakers. They will be called the children of God.”
