HONORING MY PARENTS
Ten Commandments That Build Strong Families - Part 5
Exodus 20:12
Three elderly women are sitting together at the Senior’s Home in San Francisco, bragging about
their relationships with their sons. One begins, “My son is so devoted to me, for my birthday he
gave me an all-expenses-paid cruise around the world.” The second pipes in, “That’s nothing.
Mine threw a huge catered affair for me, and he flew in all my friends from the East.” The third
woman smirks at them both. “Without a doubt, my son is the most devoted. Three times a week
he goes to his therapist. A hundred and thirty dollars a session he pays. And what does he talk
about the whole time? Me!”
We're looking at the 5
th Commandment:
Exodus 20:12 "Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land."
There is no time limit or age limit on this. As long as your parents are alive, God says honor
them.
I. WHY DID GOD GIVE THIS COMMANDMENT?
1. There are no perfect parents.
All of us have weaknesses and faults and inconsistencies, mistakes. Only God is the perfect
parent. Even the best parents have made mistakes and sinned. The Bible says, "We've all
sinned." As a result we're all warped. None of us have perfect parents and if you're a parent,
you’re not perfect either.
There are many parents who have behaved badly. They were abusive, manipulative, neglectful.
What is God telling me to do with an abusive or neglectful parent? Am I supposed to ignore the
pain, put on a happy face and pretend everything is great? No, you're not. But God is saying I
want you to honor the position of parenthood.
All authority is to be honored, whether in the home, the church, or the government. Why?
Because they are the basis for an orderly society. God wants you to honor the position of
parenthood regardless of the personality behind it. Regardless if it’s a bad president, a bad police
officer or a bad parent, God wants you to honor the office even if the character in that position is
not so good.
2. Respect for authority begins at home.
If a child doesn’t learn to respect authority in the home they will struggle with school, in a career,
and in relationships. The child who grows up saying, "Nobody tells me what to do!" is going to
have a hard time keeping a job or cooperating in a relationship. There are a lot of times you have
to do what somebody tells you to do whether you want to or not. So God wants us to learn to
respect authority.
When you say to a judge , "Your honor" you're not making a value judgment about that guy's
character -- he may be a jerk. You're saying "Your honor", your showing respect for the position.
God put parents in a position of authority over you in your early age. So we are to respect it.
3. How I relate to my parents will affect every other relationship?
Your birth to young adult years are formed by your home life. How you relate to others as an
adult is primarily formed during your time under your parent’s authority. If you act in ways you
don't understand and can't figure out your behavior, many times it's because you're still reacting
to your parents. Many marriages have been ruined because a spouse has never resolved a
relationship with a parent and they're taking it out on their husband or wife or kids. They say
things like "You're just like my mom." Surveys have shown that people who get along with their
parents have far less stress in their lives.
II. HOW AM I TO HONOR MY PARENTS?
It depends on what stage of life you're in. Each stage you apply this command differently.
1. AS A CHILD, I HONOR MY PARENTS BY OBEYING AND RESPECTING THEM.
Eph 6:1 "Children, obey your parents; this is the right thing to do because God has placed them
in authority over you."
Obey -- do what they say, willfully, pleasantly, immediately. The Bible teaches that as long as
you're under your parent's roof you're to obey them. Since you are dependent upon your parents
for food, clothing, shelter, insurance... they have the right to call the shots in your life. When
you're out on your own that's a different issue. But as long as they are providing for you and
you're dependent upon them, the Bible says, you are to obey them.
2. AS A YOUNG PERSON, I HONOR MY PARENTS BY ACCEPTING AND
APPRECIATING THEM.
The older you get, you start seeing the faults of your parents. You start seeing their hangups,
faults, the chinks in the armor. It becomes important for you to accept them in spite of their
weaknesses.
Why should I choose to accept my parents? You say I didn't have a choice. Neither did they.
You're kind of stuck with each other. That's why acceptance is vital.
Acceptance does not mean pretending they were perfect. It doesn't mean ignoring their mistakes.
It doesn't mean agreeing with all they did or agreeing with all they asked you to do.
Acceptance means:
1. Realizing that God used them to bring me into the world. Your parents may have
been excellent, mediocre or poor but regardless of how they treated you growing up, the fact
is they gave you something that nobody else in the world could give you -- they gave you
your life. You owe them your life, regardless of the parenting skills they used. God chose to
use them to bring me into the world.
2. Listening to what they have to say. When you're out on your own, you're not bound by
their advice but you don't despise it. "Listen to your father who gave you your life and
do not despise your mother." Pr. 23;22. You can disagree without being disagreeable.
You listen to them, pay them courtesy of listening to them and you don't tune them out.
That's part of acceptance.
3. Acceptance includes forgiveness. The fact of life is we often hurt those we love the
most -- intentionally and unintentionally. If you live together for any length of time you're
going to be hurt by the people in your family. Families must be built on forgiveness because
we hurt each other.
Today it's not so popular to honor your parents as it is to go lie on a couch and blame them for all
your problems. Prov. 20;20 "If you curse your parents, your life will end like a lamp that
goes out in the dark." Bitterness is self-destructive. It always hurts you more than the person
you're bitter against. Even today, if you're still hurting and being resentful and bitter over things
your parents did in the past, you're still allowing them to control your life today. "You make me
mad." You're admitting -- "you make me," you have control over me.
I'm to accept my parents, not despise them, listen to what they have to say, offer forgiveness.
The fact is God gave you your parents for a purpose. Even those who were mistreated severely
growing up -- does God want you to honor their sins, weaknesses and the things they did wrong
to you? No. But He's saying accept the fact that God chose them to bring you into the world.
God gave you your parents for a purpose and He can even take that hurt and turn it around and
bring good out of it if you choose to react in the right way.
You honor your parents when you forgive them for what they did wrong and you choose to focus
on what they did right. Deut. 26:11 "Be grateful for the good things that the Lord has given you
and your family." God says I'm not only to accept my parents, the good and the bad, but I am to
appreciate them. It's easy to take parents for granted. Some of you had super parents and it's
easy for you to appreciate them. For some of you it's a little more difficult.
I would suggest that there are at least two things you could appreciate about your parents
regardless who they were:
1. You can appreciate their effort. Parenting is a difficult, time-demanding, energy
draining job. It takes incredible energy just to corral your kids, much less teach them
anything. Have you ever considered how much energy your parents' gave you even if you
think they could have done a better job?
When was the last time you thanked your parents for just putting up with you?
2. You can appreciate their sacrifice. Parenting is expensive. The economics today alone
are staggering. If you're a parent today it will cost you to raise a child to maturity about a
quarter of a million dollars, consider 18 years of food, shelter, clothing, medicine, daycare
and school expenses, etc, etc, etc,.
When a couple chooses to have kids they are choosing to do without some other things. So
we should appreciate the sacrifice.
Prov. 23:22 "When your mother is old, show her your appreciation."
(By the way, there are three stages in a man's life: he believes in Santa Clause, he doesn't
believe in Santa Clause, he is Santa Clause, he looks like Santa Clause. Appreciate him in
all four stages.)
It's a great transition when your parents become your friends.
3. AS AN ADULT, I HONOR MY PARENTS BY AFFIRMING AND NOT
ABANDONING THEM.
For many parents, the older they get the less respect they get. All of their affirming friends start
to die off. They are no longer wanted in the market place for their skills and wisdom. Their
grown children are busy with their own families. They lead lonely lives. Your parents have a
great need, a desperate need, to feel and to know that they made some kind of positive
contribution in your life. They need affirmation. God says He wants you to affirm your
parents for the rest of your life as long as they're alive.
How do you do that? You affirm your parents by staying in touch with them. Every time
you write a letter, a card, make a call, you're obeying this command -- honor your father and
mother. To honor means to understand the significance of. I would encourage you to share with
them the details of your life. They're very interested. The Bible says we are to value and to
treasure and to hold in highest esteem our aged parents.
Prov. 3:27 "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act."
Do the right thing while you've got time to do it. Affirm your parents now. All the flowers in the
world at their funeral won't do them one bit of good. The flowers at the funeral are for your
benefit, not theirs. If you're going to give them flowers, send it to them while they're alive, not
when they're dead.
Affirming them means giving them the courtesy of asking for their counsel. Even if you don't
follow it at least you listen to it. I think this involves in-laws too. We have good examples of
Moses listening to his father-in-law, and Ruth listening to her mother-in-law.
The Bible says that the way you treat your older, elderly parents is the demonstration of your true
faith, of whether you're really a Christian or not.
I Timothy 5:8 "Anyone who won't care for his own relatives when they need help,
especially his own family, has no right to say he is a Christian. Such a person is worse that
the heathen."
The Bible teaches when your parents or your grandparents become too old to care for themselves
it is not the government's responsibility, it's yours. This is the cycle of the family. As time
passes, the rolls reverse. Where, at one point in life, they fed you, bathed you, and cared for you,
and took care of you. As they grow older, people are living older, longer, the roles are reversed.
And it may be that you will need to feed them, and bathe them, and care for them. God says
that's part of being a Christian.
God says, honor your parents. "They should put their religion into practice by caring for their
own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God." I Tim.
5:4.
It is interesting to me that when Jesus Christ died on the cross, dying for the sin of the world, one
of the things that He did not forget was to care for His aged mother after He was gone. He said
looking down at John the disciple, "Take care of My mother." While He's dying for the world He
does not forget to provide for the care of His aged mother.
A word to parents: If you want to be honored, you must be honorable. "And now a word to
you parents: Don't keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and
resentful. Rather, bring them up with loving discipline." Paul is saying, don't drive your kids
nuts by being unpleasable. Don't try to make your child another you. One's enough in this world.
We need individuals.
The key to good parenting is loving discipline. Every child must learn two things:
1. Disobedience brings pain. Every person has to learn that. God says that -- you disobey
God there is pain in your life. Every child has to learn that disobedience brings pain.
2. Obedience brings freedom. You are more trusted and you're more responsible when
you’re obedient.
These values should be learned by children in their home.
How do I honor a parent who was dishonorable to me?
God is not asking you to deny the pain. He's not asking you to repress it or to make excuses for
your parents, their abuse or neglect. God does not want you to fake it. He wants you to face it.
That's the only way to get past your pain.
The truth is many of you are still carrying unfinished business with parents. Chances are you're
venting that anger on your husband or wife or kids or friends because you've never resolved it
with them. If you're still angry with a parent years later, you're still letting them control your life.
What some of you need to do is to prayerfully have a conference with your parents. Face the
issue. It's scary but you cannot get on with your life until you get over this. If there are wrongs
to be made right, do it while there's time for some kind of reconciliation.
If you can't talk to your parents -- maybe they've already passed on, maybe they won't listen,
maybe because of some chemical dependency or maybe they are losing their mind and you're
unable to talk with them -- I would encourage you to share your pain with a Christian friend or
counselor and at least get some kind of partial relief from it. But for your own sake and for the
sake of your kids, stop the cycle of deception. End it right here.
Only God knows the pain you feel. But He does know and He does care and He can help you
overcome that pain. He can even bring good out of it if you'll let Him.
Some of you are children of divorce. Many kids are being forced to make a choice between mom
or dad. The Bible says honor both. The position, not the personality. For those of you who were
abandoned by one or maybe both of your parents, God says you are a special person. You get
special attention from God. In the Scriptures, God says, I assume responsibility for abandoned
children. "My father and mother may abandon me, but the Lord will take care of me."
Regardless of your circumstance, you have a heavenly father and He's perfect and He loves you
unconditionally and He will never leave you and He will never forsake you and He wants you in
His family. He wants you to know Him and He wants you to get to know Him through His son
Jesus Christ. He loves you more than you will ever realize. Get to know your heavenly Father.
Also embrace your church family if your natural family is gone or so dysfunctional being around
them is hazardous to your health. The church is a family. You can be a part of a family that will
never break up because it's going to be together for eternity. Find security and stability and
comfort and care in relationships in the body of Christ, the family of God.
You are who you are for a reason
You're part of an intricate plan
You are a precious, perfect, unique design
Called God's special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason
Our God made no mistake
He knit you together within the womb
You're just what He wanted to make
The parents you had are the ones He chose
No matter how you may feel
You are custom designed with that plan in mind
They bear the master's seal
The trauma you faced wasn't easy
And God wept that it hurt you so
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you'd grow
You are who you are for a reason
You've been formed by the Master's rod
You are who you are, beloved
Because there is a God.
If thoughts of your parents bring pain, pray, "God help me let go of the hurt and the bitterness.
Help me to forgive. Help me to begin to accept, appreciate and affirm the good parts in my
parents. Help me to have a new, positive relationship. Thank you Heavenly Father that You
loved me unconditionally and You made me for a purpose and You will never reject me. You've
accepted me and today I accept You and I accept Your Son Jesus Christ into my life.
