IMPERFECT MOTHERS
When we look back and see the TV shows like Leave it to Beaver or Brady Bunch we get the image of the perfect mom. She never gets frustrated, she always looks her best, the kids are always good, her husband adores her; all that happy stuff. Then you compare that with how things are in your life and you're left crying on the couch eating ice cream. News flash-there are no perfect mothers. But that doesn't stop all those 'regular' moms from trying to live up to that image. It's time to stop beating yourself up and realize that all moms are imperfect.
1) You're doing better than you think you are.
It's so easy to be critical of yourself and conclude that you're doing a terrible job as a mother. You mean well but there are times when it doesn't come across so perfectly. [Have You Eaten].
Even though TV shows have gotten away from the wholesome programming it once was, I like the fact that some of the shows about family life are closer to reality then they used to be. Shows like Malcolm in the Middle or The Middle portray the ups and downs of trying to manage a family while trying to maintain a certain amount of sanity in the process.
Sometimes mom compares herself to her own mother or grandmother. You marveled at how they were able to do everything so well. You admired how they could hold the family together and then you look at yourself in comparison and you get discouraged because you feel you can't do anything as well as they did.
Not that it's wrong to try to be like mom or grandma but the reality is you're not supposed to be like them; you're your own person with your own gifts and abilities. Just because you're not exactly like your mom doesn't mean you're not a good mom.
Margot Starbuck wrote, "The pieces of my unique story—being raised by a mother who'd lost her own mother as a toddler—fell into place, oddly enough, while browsing through popular women's magazines from the 1940s and 50s. As a nation desperately tried to regain "normalcy" in the wake of war, the idealized mothers symbolized the domestic anchor of stability.
"Perfect" mothers, a la June Cleaver, raised perfect children and kept perfect homes—ideally wielding a shiny new Hoover vacuum cleaner. That perfect mother is the one who guided my grandmother as she raised the girl who raised me. Even today we can still cling to an idealized, and often unattainable, version of motherhood.
So, keenly aware of my own imperfections, I'll likely squirm on Mother's Day if praise is lauded on those of us who have raised, or are raising, children. For days, TV ads will have featured glimpses of sacrificial mothers who ask for no more than a four-dollar greeting card as thanks for squeezing out a kid, changing his diapers, preparing meals and cleaning toilets.
Though I've grudgingly done all those things, the more pressing awareness with which I live—and perhaps my children do as well—is of the areas where I fail. Like all mothers, I do the best I can. Sometimes I succeed.
So while I'll probably bristle at any prayers blanketing me as the giver of noble sacrificial mother-love, I'll find myself included in ones that ask God to help mothers love like He loved us. Especially when we fail. On Mother's Day, the best we can do is keep it real."
In keeping it real moms accept that they are imperfect; that they're going to make mistakes. There are times when you realize you could've handled the situation better but it's best to accept that you didn't and move on.
And what will help you to do that is when you realize that there are also plenty of incidents you handle very well. Many times that, had you not been there, things would've been worse. Balance the times when you dropped the ball with the times you saved the day.
There were imperfect mothers in the bible too. Remember Sarah? She was getting impatient and wondering if the son God promised her and Abraham would ever come. So, she gave her servant Hagar to Abraham. And because she didn't have more patience and faith her decision backfired. When Ishmael was born it caused a rift between Sarah and Hagar. And then Sarah had her own son, Isaac. But there came a time when things got ugly.
Gen. 21:8-11, "The child grew and was weaned, and on the day Isaac was weaned Abraham held a great feast. But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking, and she said to Abraham, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that slave woman’s son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac.” The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son."
It was a sad day when Abraham sent his own son and his mother away. It was Sarah's idea to have Hagar bear Abraham a child. But now her hard feelings towards Hagar and Ishmael produced a cold reaction by telling Abraham to send them away.
Not necessarily motherly behavior. She didn't care about her husband's relationship with his son; she didn't care how her fellow mother and her son were going to survive-none of that. If you read on, God calms Abraham by telling him not to be distressed about it because he would take care of them. Sarah's bad decision before she was a mother caused her to compound it after she became one.
There are many homes today with step-children and half-brothers and sisters. And it's not easy for moms to deal with the relationship with her husband's ex-wife. She might feel some kind of way toward the children her husband had from the first marriage. It can be messy.
And it's highly likely that the new wife and mother hasn't always handled things appropriately. Perhaps you've been like Sarah and have purposely come between your husband and his older children so it can be just you, him and the children you have together.
God understands your feelings and frustrations. He knows it's not easy; he knows you're not always going to be at your best. But he wants you to strive to make things work as best you can. You can choose to get along with the ex-wife. You can choose to love the step-children-it's not their fault they're in this situation. And, chances are, you're doing better at dealing with the stress of a mixed family than you think you are.
Another example of imperfect motherhood happened with Rebekah, Isaac's wife. Rebekah had twin boys-Jacob and Esau. We get our first picture of Isaac and Rebekah's imperfect parenthood in Gen. 25:28, "Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob." This doesn't mean Rebekah didn't love Esau, it means she was closer to Jacob than she was Esau.
Though it can be typical for a parent to feel closer to a certain child you have to be very careful that it doesn't turn into playing favorites. Do you remember the comedy team the Smothers Brothers? Dick was the straight man and Tom was the funny one. There was a catch phrase Tom would always say to Dick: mom always liked you best. They developed some funny skits around it. If you have any siblings you no doubt have sibling rivalry. And at some point you no doubt got your siblings going by saying "mom likes me best". [#1 son].
Ok, back to Rebekah. So Jacob was the momma's boy and Esau was the daddy's boy. Later on Jacob, slickster that he was, got Esau to sell him his birthright blessing for a bowl of stew. Isaac didn't know about this so when it came time to receive the blessing, good 'ol mom helped Jacob play a trick on her husband to secure the birthright blessing.
Isaac was old and he couldn't see very well. Rebekah overheard Isaac tell Esau to go hunt some wild game and prepare it for him and then he would give him the blessing. So she had Jacob get a goat so she could prepare it and spice it up just the way her husband liked it.
Jacob was concerned because he wasn't hairy like his brother and he would be found out. So, Rebekah covered his hands and neck with goatskins and put Esau's clothes on him so he would smell like his brother. And, it worked. But that didn't mean there wasn't any fallout.
When Esau learned what had happened he vowed to kill his brother. Rebekah had to intervene and send Jacob away. Esau deserved it for giving up his blessing but Rebekah's trickery resulted in having to be separated from her son. And I'm sure it caused Esau to feel some kind or way about her; not to mention what Isaac thought about her devious charade.
I'm sure there are moms today who might be closer to one child over another. That doesn't mean they don't love all their children, they're just guilty of favoring one over the other, like Rebekah did. Is that right? No, but don't think you're the worst mother in the world because you have this issue; it just shows you're imperfect-like all mothers. So, despite your flaws you're doing better than you think.
2) You're doing the work of God.
That might sound strange when you're changing diapers or cleaning up baby puke. But being a mother is one of the most important jobs in the world. It's a calling from God; and one that deserves recognition as such. Moms are the influencers; the ones who their children depend on to show them the right thing to do and the right path to follow.
Consider how Paul commended young Timothy's mother and grandmother. 2nd Tim. 1:5, "I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also."
In chapter three, Paul highlights how Timothy had known the scriptures from infancy. Timothy's faith came from seeing the examples of it in his grandmother and his mother. From the time he was a baby Timothy was given instruction from the word of God. Now he was being groomed to be a minister of the gospel.
Would that have happened had his mother and grandmother not taught him the scriptures from a young age? It's doubtful. In Acts 16 it mentions that Timothy's mother was a Jewish believer but his father was Greek. That means his father was not a believer. Therefore, had his mom and grandma not taught him the scriptures, he probably would've followed in the footsteps of his father.
Paul highlights the work and influence of Lois and Eunice. No doubt he was very thankful for their work since it produced a young man whose faith and giftedness was beneficial, not only to Paul but to others.
It starts with mom. Moms need to be honored as representatives of God to their children; regardless if your children are toddlers or grown-ups. In, Tell Me My Calling Matters, Emily Pastor writes, "I stood in line with my very pregnant belly as the checker asked if this was my first baby. Surprise filled her face when I replied, "No, it's my third."
As I finished swiping my debit card she commented, "You just look so young." Yes, I guess I am. In our culture, 27 is young to have three children already, and in many ways I stepped into the role of motherhood blind, as the first of my friends to have babies. This June, I will have three children 4 years-old and under.
Suffice it to say, I am tired all of the time. This stage of motherhood with small children is very physically and emotionally demanding. I love my family and my work as a mom, but that doesn't mean the work isn't hard or taxing. Often my most basic needs must take a back seat as I care for my children.
For every day that I fall in bed satisfied with a day full of snuggles and sparkly magical parenthood moments, there is another day in which I see my brokenness and failures to measure up to the "perfect mother" I always hoped I'd be.
We moms don't get performance reviews. There's no boss standing by giving objective encouragement and constructive criticism. It's so easy to lose perspective and think that I am the only one barely surviving some days of this wonderfully exhausting role called motherhood.
On Mother's Day, I don't need a standing ovation, but I do need affirmation and support. I need to hear that my role as a mom to young children is hard, valuable, kingdom work. Remind me that my unseen sacrifices and struggles are seen and valued by the Lord. I often feel undervalued, misunderstood and looked over by a culture that applauds outward and visible contributions to society.
So much of my work as a mother is hidden away in the unseen moments of grace with my children. As I bend over with my tremendously pregnant body to pick up the thousandth crayon, I receive no applause. When I respond patiently toward a tantrum throwing toddler, no one says "Way to keep your cool!"
I sacrifice and struggle because of love, and loving others is kingdom work. I also need to hear that my work as a mom is valued by the church. Remind me that I don't need to be involved in a million ministry commitments when I have my hands full nurturing several souls. Encourage me to give the small, the ordinary, and the mundane things to God and watch him bless and multiply my efforts. Thank me for sowing the seeds of love in the souls of the youngest among us.
Finally, I need support. After having my first child, I felt the desperate need for a mentor. I needed someone who had walked the path of motherhood before me, to give me perspective and nurture my soul. I am blessed with a godly mother of my own I could go to for advice and support, but I know that every young mother doesn't have that.
On Mother's Day, I would love to see a group of older women standing in the front of the service who were available and willing to take a younger mom under their wing. In my mind, a mentor is not someone who has all the answers or is a spiritual giant, but someone who is willing to listen and love. Because really, all a tired mom needs to keep going is a listening ear, a good cry, and maybe some banana bread."
It's easy for a hard-working mom to go unnoticed by her oblivious husband and kids as well as her church. We should take to heart what it says in Prov. 31:27-31, "She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."
Today we give you that praise; we acknowledge your sacrifice. We recognize that your work is of God; that you have a calling from him to represent him as one who oversees the affairs of the household and who teaches her children the word and principles of God.
And even if you're not as recognized by us the other 364 days of the year, you do have a God who sees you and you are exalted by him. He is training you, shaping you and encouraging you. And, he is forgiving you when you're not at your best. God understands your moments of frustration. He gets your, "I can't take this anymore" tears. He's there in the, "what am I supposed to do now" times.
Kingdom work comes with its share of struggles and heartache. And although stepping on a Lego may not be part of that glorious kingdom work, the love you show by not choking your child for not picking up his Legos is. God is in the business of using imperfect mothers.
Remember the story of Rahab? She was a prostitute who helped the Israelite spies take over Jericho. But Rahab turned her life around. She followed God, was mentioned in the faith chapter of Heb. 11 and was even included in the lineage of Jesus!
Speaking of Jesus, there were times when even Mary herself wasn't the perfect mom. We'll talk more about that in Sunday School. So don't worry; you're doing better than you think you are and don't forget that being a mom is not only important; it's godly. Perhaps you'll be able to relate to Mary Ellen Hooper as she describes what it's like to be a mom. [video]
