INTRO:
STORY: Last year, you all know I had shoulder surgery. I didn’t want to have surgery. I avoided it as long as possible. But eventually, my shoulder hurt all the time. It became debilitating. It was only when I became aware of what my wound was keeping me from, was I willing to do something take a risk that would open up the wound, so healing could be possible.
Emotional wounds are similar...when we are hurt, we’d rather run from the pain than do something about it. Sometimes, we aren’t aware that we have a wound that is causing an issue...and we are suffering through anger, or disconnection from God, or numbness in our hearts...we don’t know what the problem is...but maybe, just maybe its a wound that needs the God’s healing touch through the act of forgiving.
Forgiveness is like that...it’s a tough subject. It's one thing to say “I forgive” – but it’s a whole different thing to actually feel the healing that comes because we have forgiven someone. Forgiving others really is a supernatural work in which God’s healing grace intersects with our wounds. But what happens when we forgive, but we can’t seem to forget? Can Jesus heal a wound that is too great to simply forget?
This is often where we get stuck. We circle up the wagons in our mind and replay that hurt, over and over. We focus on the pain, but we don’t bring it into the healing presence of Christ through the act of forgiveness. What’s the result?
No intimacy with God, and isolation from others. Constant heartache. Anger. Bitterness.
This month, our goal is to help you see that forgiving someone is not so much about your offender. It is about your healing. In fact, the next few weeks we will help you discover healing, and protect your heart.
Today, Let’s talk about forgiveness as an act of healing..here’s what we mean: we want to talk about the supernatural act of “Forgiving even if there is not a restoration of the relationship. It is forgiving those who might refuse reconciliation, or not be trustworthy enough for reconciliation in such a way that in our hearts we have chosen to overlook our experiences with them.”
Before we talk about what what it looks like to forgive, let’s talk about what we are NOT talking about.
Forgiving is NOT…
First, let’s clear up misunderstandings about forgiveness by understanding what Forgiving IS NOT. Sometimes, when we shackle too many actions and feelings to forgiveness, it becomes too weighty for us to try and handle. Let’s lighten the load before we define it clearly.
IT’S NOT:
Approving, Excusing: John 8:11 (Jesus says to gal about to be stoned…leave your life of sin), Numbers 14:11-12, 19 (sin is offensive and hurtful, God still forgives)
IT’S NOT:
Reconciling: 2 Cor. 5:19 – Forgiveness happened at the cross, but reconciliation still depends on the individual relationship with God. Remember from last week: It is easy to think we should wait for our offender to be repentant before we offer forgiveness, but repentance is not a condition of giving forgiveness, but a condition of receiving it.
IT’S NOT:
Denying: Denying leads to repression…which is almost always negative…but also natural. We repress because something is to painful to face on our own. (1 Cor. 13:5 – doesn’t mean a wrong has not been committed…or that we turn a blind eye to it. Greek: logizomai – meaning “to reckon or impute”…in other words, ‘love does not STORE a wrong’.)
IT’S NOT:
Forgetting: “Forgive and forget”…people mean that ideal forgiveness is where we wipe out the memory of the event from our minds...and pretend it never happened. It would be nice…it's much more likely we’ll forget why we came in the room than forget our hurt! This is not realistic. Hebrews 8:12 – God doesn’t literally forget our sins – He CHOOSES to overlook them. He knows full well what we’ve done in detail…but He chooses NOT to dwell on them so as not to hold them against us.
Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving is healing.
Forgiving someone is how we find healing. Listen closely because this is totally counter-intuitive. Until you release your offender, and you stop poking at your wound...until your focus is not on your pain, but on releasing your pain to Jesus...you can’t experience healing.
We talked about this last week. This is counter-intuitive. The person who can heal your wound of that offense is not your offender! It’s Jesus. It’s forgiveness, not justice that brings the healing power of Jesus.
Forgiving your offender, is not about your offender. Forgiving your offender is about your healing!
So, let’s talk about 2 important choices can begin our journey to forgive and find healing. I’ll warn you, it’s filled with difficult choices, but I in my experience each one is worth the healing Jesus brings afterwards.
Choice 1: LETTING GO OF WHAT’S OWED
When someone wounds us, or those we love – we make a ledger entry in our heart. In our hearts - we say put a name, and a “You owe me” beside it. The deeper the wound, the more entries we make. Some of us have been making those entries for years, and we don’t just have one Ledger book recording the debts owed us, we have a pile of them. They are large, and heavy, and we drag them around everywhere we go. (Pick up pile of heavy books and start carrying them around while we talk)
We become weighed down by the debt owed us, and it becomes all we think about. And the deeper problem is this - when someone wounds you deeply - is there any payment they could make that would heal our wound? Do they have any power to lighten your load, or cancel that debt? If you want to be healed, if your heart is heavy and you feel disconnected from God and others, then it starts with this choice: LETTING GO of what is owed us.
The only one who can cancel that debt is you. Letting GO is a choice not to forget the debt, but rather to cancel the debt. Letting GO is not ignoring, forgetting, or denying we are hurt. Forgiving others means choosing not to stay wounded.
If there was anyone who really understood this, it was a man named Paul. As a missionary, Paul once had a whole town slander him publicly. He was beaten for no reason. He was jailed when he didn’t deserve it. People he loved were drug through the mud because they loved Jesus and knew Paul. Paul knew something about forgiving. In fact, in one of his greatest writings is about what love looks like in 1 Cor. 13 - in it, he equates forgiving with loving others:
It [Love] is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 1 Cor. 13:5
Paul puts his finger on what we are like when our wound is not healed, doesn’t he? Love is not IRRITABLE, but when we have a wound, we are irritable. According to Paul, if you want to love others...you need to keep no record of being wronged. You need to LET GO of what’s owed to you. According to Paul, forgiveness is the language of love. We cannot experience love, if we do not forgive. We talked about this last week - unforgiveness disconnects us from God, and from others. We cannot love anyone well, when we choose not to forgive.
How big is your Record book? How often during your day are you making entries? Do you easily recall how your co-workers or friends offended you? How many people do you avoid because you have entries in your record book?
Forgiving is a painful process to let go. It is a difficult choice. Forgiving means we choose to totally let go of the offense in our hearts and say goodbye to it. Forgiveness doesn’t mean your heart doesn’t hurt, or you pretend the wrong did not happen. The real power to forgiveness is that it means you are CHOOSING TO CANCEL AN EMOTIONAL DEBT. Forgiveness MEANS you owe me…but I CHOOSE to FORGIVE your debt…you are NOT required to pay now, or ever…because that’s how I want to be treated when I fail others...and when I fail God.
One of them most beautiful pictures of this process of letting go is in the OT where God gives the Jewish people a picture of what Jesus would eventually do for them. You see, each year, in the Hebrew celebration of Yom Kippur, a Jewish priest would confess the sins of the jewish people aloud, over a the ScapeGoat...who would be released into the wilderness...as if to say, I have LET GO of your sins, I have acknowledged your wrongs...and chose to send them away.
If you are a Jesus follower, this is important. Letting GO...not keeping a record of wrongs - this is what God does with us! When we stop keeping a record of wrongs, and offer mercy instead...we demonstrate the heart of God to the world. If you don’t let it go...it’s like you headed out to the desert looking for the carcass of that goat and dragging it home.
But, if we are want to extend forgiveness we must acknowledge that we were wronged. We can’t LET GO of what we don’t KNOW. God cannot heal what you do not feel. Letting GO requires you to bring your wound into the presence of God. You don’t let go of that wound on your own - you need God’s help...you will need His miraculous work of Grace to flow through you.
This is a supernatural work of God - in which you bring your wound to God, your offender to God, and you ask for His help to LET GO of the pain, to LET GO of the injustice. In God’s presence, you make the choice to let go of what’s owed you, so that the healing process can begin. This is the place where you allow God to wash your wound. This choice, to LET GO - begins the process of working toward a feeling of healing…realizing we will not feel it at first. The process of forgiveness starts as an act of the will that leads to feeling relief & healing your heart.
REMEMBER: WOUNDS THAT NEED HEALED MUST FIRST BE WASHED! So present that wound to Jesus, and begin that process. We will talk more about some ways to experience His healing power in a few weeks, but today, maybe it’s just to begin that conversation by telling Jesus about the person who caused your pain, and how its impacted you, and asking Him to do a miraculous work by helping you LET GO of what’s owed to you. Open your heart and ask Him to allow His grace to do a miraculous work in your heart that washes your wound and helps you LET GO.
Do you know what happens when we experience healing to our wounds? They leave scars. Remember by shoulder wound? I still have scars. But scars don’t hurt like open wounds. I can move my shoulder now. This is the miraculous healing work of God’s Grace in your heart, that scar will serve as a reminder of God’s love and power in your life.
Which brings us to the 2nd choice that will help us experience healing through the act of forgiveness:
Choice 2: GIVING GOD CONSENT TO LOVINGLY DEAL WITH YOUR OFFENDER
You cannot focus on healing your wound, if you are spending your energy on your offense. It’s like wanting to be healed, sitting in the courtroom, focused on getting back at your offender….and forgiveness is this decision to focus on healing...to go to the ER, and releasing all the energy of self-protection, revenge and finger pointing to God. You are saying - God just heal me, that’s enough.
That is what forgiveness that leads to healing looks like and it is a true act of surrender to God’s love.
This is challenging. Often, we don’t experience total forgiveness because we make an intellectual decision to forgive, but we continue to hold on to our ‘right’ to point our finger at our offender. You’ve done that, right? You say - I’ve forgiven them, but then you hear yourself continue to tell, and retell the story of the offense...or rehearsing the the offense over and over - it’s a sign that you are not healed...that you need God’s help!
ILLUSTRATE: Some of you know that my Dad and I didn’t always have a great relationship. There was a long season where we didn’t see eye to eye on anything. Every interaction I had with him, I came away angry. More poor wife had to deal with all my anger, and really, bitterness...and recapping the story over and over. Why? Because I was wounded by him, so I kept pointing my finger at all his wrongs. And that didn’t change until I gave God consent to deal lovingly with my dad...until I realized my role was to forgive...God’s role was to deal with my Dad.
But God has a prescription for our finger pointing! It comes in the form of a warning giving to the nation of Israel by the prophet Isaiah. It seems they were focused on blame instead of drawing close to God...instead of forgiving...
“Remove the heavy yoke of oppression. Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors! Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon. 11 The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. Isaiah 58:9b-10 (NLT)
If you want to get out from under the heavy yoke of unforgiveness (pick up books again) - Isaiah warns - stop pointing your finger...stop carrying the heavy burden of others owing you...stop pointing your finger at your offender. Have you ever noticed what people who hold something against others are like? Show me someone who is busy pointing at others and I will show you someone who is angry and bitter. If you are busy pointing your finger - you are angry and bitter. It’s a sign of an infected wound.
From PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: Spend enough time being angry and bitter and when people see you and they will want to call POISON CONTROL after being with you! ?
Sometimes we think – IT HAPPENED…I can’t just PRETEND it didn’t!
And you are right. You can’t. In fact, you may never forget. I read recently that when a bee hive is invaded by a insect with malicious intent, it is never removed...they can’t get it out. So instead, they cover it with wax and make it part of their hive. It is no longer a danger, but it will always be part of the hive.
When we Give God CONSENT to lovingly deal with our offender, we are choosing to STOP pointing our fingers at them and becoming bitter. We STOP focusing on the SIN instead, we focus on how God can heal our hearts.
This is important - listen - We FORGIVE PEOPLE, NOT SINS. Only God can forgive sins. In the Lord’s prayer, we are not commanded to forgive others sins, but to forgive those who have sinned against us!
We forgive people, not sins.
According to Isaiah - here’s how this works. You forgive FIRST...THEN the darkness of your pain will lift, and your life will be filled with light, and your strength will be restored.
BUT FIRST…you must stop pointing your finger! If you really want to surrender your rights to God...in your heart, you must hand over consent for Him to deal with them as He sees fit. That means making a commitment to leaving the offense and offender behind. It means making a choice: “No more speaking of the offense to yourself (in your mind), or to others.” Every time your emotions remind you of what happened, you agree with God’s way of loving you and choose NOT to not point your finger (or open your mouth)
Giving God consent to lovingly deal with your offender is really about trusting God to give us a brighter future! That’s literally what happened when I forgave my Dad...he never said he was sorry, but we still had a brighter future...because I was different.
I know this is a tough one - so let me raise the stakes a little. Let’s talk about what happens in the spiritual world when you point the finger.
This is something God made clear to me. Do you know what one of the names is for the devil...the enemy of God? He’s called the ACCUSER. He is the chief finger pointer. He points his finger at you and reminds you of what you’ve done in your past...that doesn’t deserve God’s grace. Ever felt that? It’s ugly isn’t it?
Now - listen - this is heavy, but it is a correlated spiritual truth: Every time you point the finger at your offender, you are aligning yourself with what the devil likes to do to you! There is nothing good here for you. It only leads to anger, and bitterness. Holding onto what’s owed, and Holding onto our right to deal with our offender only leads to bitterness.
Do you know anyone who is bitter? What is this person like to be around? What would your life be like if you chose bitterness over forgiveness? Bitter people are toxic people. Bitter people are unhealthy people. Bitter people are depressed people. That’s the science behind bitterness! According to John Hopkins Research:
Physically - “There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed,” says Karen Swartz, M.D., director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital. Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions.
Emotionally - People who hang on to grudges, however, are more likely to experience severe depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as other health conditions
Imagine IF...you did forgive...what would that look like…Is that challenging? I have the privilege walking with people - both men and women - on their own journey of forgiveness, and it’s beautiful.
So - what does forgiveness look like?
SUSIE’s TESTIMONY: Forgiving mom
CONCLUSION: Listen, if you are willing to LET GO of what’s owed, and Give God Consent to deal lovingly with your offender - you make the space for God to heal your heart. You see - when we are no longer “renting space” to the one (or ones) unforgiven - there is far more room available to give and receive love!
You may always remember what happened, but Jesus can heal your wound...and the scar left behind will simply be a reminder of Jesus healing grace in your life.
Normal people, they don’t forgive, do they? Everytime you forgive, you participate in the miraculous grace of God. Every time you forgive, you open the opportunity for the supernatural work of Christ - reconciliation. Everytime you forgive, you invite God to HEAL your wound. You may still have a scar...but a scar is an open wound...it simply reminds you of God’s healing work. Those scars are now part of you.
RESPONSE: Will you begin to make the choices that will to heal your heart? Will you sit for a moment and ask God - is there someone I need to forgive? Is there a debt I need to forgive? Any name that comes to mind, I want you just to put the initials of that person on the bottom of your outline today, right under the prayer.
In moment, I’m going to ask you to pray that prayer aloud with me.
PRAYER: If you are ready to begin this journey...to make these choices: Maybe this can be your prayer today: Jesus I choose to let go of what’s owed me, help me let go. I choose to give you consent to deal with my offender, help me to surrender them to you. Jesus heal my wound, but leave the scar to remind me of your loving grace.
