MAKING THE MOST OF YOUR FAMILY—Deuteronomy 5:16
Deuteronomy 5:16 “Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”
(Preacher: a few extra words in Deuteronomy, rather than Exodus, lend clarity to the commandment.)
In Ephesians 6:1, the Apostle Paul points out that this is the first commandment with a promise attached, and study after study confirms the truth of God’s promise. Parents have a significant impact on such things as educational success and obesity. They are a source of respect for authority, and they provide a secure environment for resisting drugs, gangs, and teen pregnancy. Parents pass on moral values, which support safe communities, good government, and even a healthy economy. They teach practical values, such as hard work, delayed gratification, and money management. They teach relationship skills that help children become healthy adults, such as choosing a mate, handling conflict, raising children, and empathy for others. And of course, Christian parents are key in passing on faith to children.
That raises some anxiety. Ideal families are rare. Statistics in America show that only 67% of children under 18 live with both biological parents. About half of the children in America will face divorce or separation.
In this kind of environment, liberals and conservatives agree on what is sometimes an “ecological approach” to family stability: a healthy environment involves the nuclear family, extended family or mentors, church, school, and community. This too fits into God’s plan! By God’s grace, the church becomes the family for some. Psalm 68:5-6 says, “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.”
Most of us did not grow up in perfect families (Duh!) Most of us did not establish perfect families. If children are not perfect (Duh!), is it all the fault of the parents? No—but we want our families to be as healthy and helpful as they can be.
HOW DO WE MAKE THE MOST OF FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS?
The essential thing for families is, “Honor your father and mother.” The word in Hebrew means “give weight to.” Children and adults must “give weight to” their parents.
• Children must OBEY their parents
The Apostle Paul makes the obvious connection between honor and obedience: Ephesians. 6:1 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’--which is the first commandment with a promise.”
There are practical reasons for obedience. Children who obey may be protected from harm when they obey their parents by looking both ways before crossing the street or not staying out all night. They will be trained in healthy and godly habits, such as brushing their teeth, doing chores, and going to church.
There is a deeper reason as well: We learn as children to submit to all kinds of God-given authority, at school or work, obeying the law, and ultimately, obeying God. Hebrews 12:9 says, “We have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!”
God’s plan is for obedient children, and it depends on responsible parents. Studies of parenting styles have shown that the best parents are neither autocratic nor permissive. They exercise warm, firm authority.
A confident parent is willing to talk things over, but is not afraid to answer question of “Why?” with, “Because I’m the parent.” A parent obedient to God exercises discipline, not from anger or frustration or fear of losing control, but because that is their God-given responsibility.
Wise children obey their parents. Even teenagers! In fact, here is some advice for a wise teenager: If you think your parents are being unreasonable, the first words out of your mouth should be, “Yes, I will do that, if you really want me to do it. But can we talk about it?” Try it; it might work for you.
There is an exception to obedience, of course. Obedience to God comes before obedience to parents. If parents are advocating sexual abuse, lying, stealing, cruelty, or covering up sin, children should not go along with that. Obey God first.
When parents and children work together, according to God’s plan, he promises, “It will go well with you.”
Now, at some time in the late teens, obedience seems like the wrong word. It is not just an age thing, like when the child turns 13 or 18. It is more of a responsibility thing, like when they move out on their own, and support themselves. (That tends to be later these days!)
Young people in their 20s can benefit from guidance and direction, and even limits. Scientific studies indicate that judgment is still forming in the brain in the late 20s! (If you are 25 you probably don’t believe it; if you are 40, you wonder how you survived youthful decisions.)
Eventually, the time comes when obedience turns to something else: “give weight to.” If your kids are grown and on their own, you will be wise not to throw your weight around. But if you are on your own and your parents are there for you, you will be wise to “give weight to” what they say, and then do what you think is best.
Children must obey their parents, when they are under their authority.
• Children must RESPECT their parents.
Leviticus 19:3 says, "Each of you must respect his mother and father...I am the Lord your God.”
For children and teens, God could not be clearer: Give them respect! Don’t hold out for a better parent; respect the one you have. Show them that you respect them. Don’t give them “the lip.” I’m not talking just about what you say, but the attitude: the bottom lip that sticks out, to say, “I’m obeying, but not liking it one bit.” Don’t complain to your friends about what stupid parents you have, or you might believe it yourself.
Respect is for all ages. When Paul was talking about government authority, he said (Romans 13:1-7) “There is no authority except that which God has established….Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; IF RESPECT, THEN RESPECCT; if honor, then honor.” Learn that lesson at home, and it will save you a lot of grief.
Parents: Be worthy of respect. If you tell your kids they can’t talk to their mother like that, how do you talk to their mother, and to them? If they have to pick up their shoes, clothes, and toys, where is your stuff? If you expect them to be disciplined, be self-disciplined. If you want them to learn the Bible, learn it yourself. (When my dad started riding his bicycle to work, and reading the Bible every day, at age 40, it made a huge impression on me.)
But children, even when your parents don’t deserve respect, treat them with respect. When Noah came out of the ark, he got drunk and was walking around naked. His son Ham mocked him; his other two sons covered him up. Ham and his descendants were cursed because of what he did. Respect has an impact in families.
Respect lasts a lifetime. Obedience doesn’t! When the kids are 40, obedience is not a good thing, although adults should still “give weight to” their parents. As parents reach old age, one of their greatest desires is to be taken seriously. Respect lasts a lifetime.
For some here today, respect means understanding and forgiving. None of us had perfect parents, and some were far from perfect. Some even harmed their children. If you are one of those children, God has something to say to you: Colossians 3:13, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” It is possible to see clearly the wrong things your parents did, and still love them for the sake of Christ.
• Children should aim to SURPASS their parents.
Isn’t that what parents want most for their children? I knew a dad who liked to tell his children that he wanted them to be the “new and improved model.”
Parents: Keep that goal in mind. From day one, plan for them to grow up. Give them responsibility and choices as early as they are ready for them. Admit your own weaknesses, while not allowing your children to gloat or take advantage; tell them, “I hope you can do better than I do.” As they grow, let them understand your struggles (appropriately): “I lost my temper, and I’m sorry. I have a problem with that sometimes, but I’m working on it.” Especially with teens and grown children, this is a powerful tool, if it is used wisely.
Children: There is much good to imitate in your parents, and some things not to imitate. It is always easy to criticize, but that won’t help you! Aim to rise above parents’ weaknesses, or even lead the way! But do it with humility, as Galatians 6:1 tells us, “Watch yourself, or you also may be tempted [to condemn or be proud].”
Parents have learned many lessons in life (some the hard way). You can avoid learning the hard way: Proverbs 4:10-12 says, “Listen, my son, accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many. I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble.”
Read Deuteronomy 5:16 "Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”
Give weight to parents. Make the most of your family relationships, whatever they are. If you do that, the benefits will come:
You will have a better life: healthier, happier, and more productive.
Society will be better, and you will make the world better.
God will be honored. You will taste the goodness of God’s kingdom, and display it for the world to see.
