This is us: Intentional Parenting. Ephesians 6:1-4
The Intentional Parent:
1. Sets boundaries v.1
Boundaries help the child feel safe.
Boundaries protect children from their own foolishness.
Boundaries limit narcissism and entitlement.
Boundaries help your child develop resilience.
2. Corrects purposefully. v.4 “Fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children.”
Setting out clear consequences.
Check your own emotions.
Be consistent.
Make your goal Godly character.
3. Invest wisely: v.4
This takes time.
This takes instruction.
4. Live honorably v.2-3
Funny story
Turn to Ephesians 6:1-4 if you will. We begin a new series entitled This is Us. We got the idea from the popular tv series (2018 series pic) by the same title. The tv series is a raw look into the complexity of the American family of the 21st century. It is of particular interest to me because my favorite ch
aracter in the series is Randall (pic). He was adopted by a white family the day he was born and the show gives me some insight into some of the challenges of my own grandson, Moses, (pic) whom we adopted 3 years ago this week.
In the tv series, you see marriages struggle, family dynamics get unhealthy, the value of relationships…it truly is an expose of the stresses and tensions every family has. And so will this series. We’ll talk about marriage next week. I don’t know about you, but my marriage needs all the help it can get. We’ll take on grief and suffering and abandonment in the weeks to come, and the importance of relationships. It’s going to be a great series and I think it’s going to be the kind of series that you can invite your friends to be a part of.
This morning tho we’re going to examine the topic of parenting. I know a little bit about parenting. I’ve got 3 kids, and they each are married so I consider them my children as well. That means I’ve got 6 children and 9 grandchildren that we’re around all the time. I don’t know that I’m an expert, but I sure have a large dossier of knowledge, mistakes, and wisdom on the subject.
I’ve observed in life that there are different styles of parenting. There is the authoritarian style (Pic of general) If that’s you,
Authoritarian: (build)
You believe kids should be seen and not heard.
When it comes to rules, you believe it's "my way or the highway."
You don't take your child's feelings into consideration.
Authoritative: (build)
You put a lot of effort into creating and maintaining a positive relationship with your child.
You explain the reasons behind your rules.
You enforce rules and give consequences, but take your child's feelings into consideration.
Permissive: (build)
You set rules but rarely enforce them.
You don't give out consequences very often.
You think your child will learn best with little interference from you.
Uninvolved: (build)
You don't ask your child about school or homework.
You rarely know where your child is or who she is with.
You don't spend much time with your child.
Now, to tell you the truth, there have been times in my parenting that I was any or all of these. I look back at my years as a parent when the kids where still at home—from newborn til graduation and I can tell you I was anything but the model parent.
But like that song a couple of decades called “Butterfly Kisses”, with all that I did wrong, I must have done something right. (pic of my family attached)
And so I’d like to create kind of a 5th parenting style; and that is the Intentional style. Are you an intentional parent? An intentional parent is deliberate and purposeful.
Sue and I were predominantly intentional parents. We read everything we could get our hands on to help us in our parenting. There were no podcasts; no videos; and only a few Christian authors who tackled it. James Dobson was the best. His book, “The Strong Willed Child” (pic) was a life-saver for us.
Today’s parent has so many resources we never had: here at RC we have Faith Path (pic) and our At Home center that has all kinds of resources (hold up). RC has a subscrioption we pay a lot of money for so you can get all kinds of help from RightNowMedia (Logo)—hundreds and hundreds of resources for you. (how do they get on????)
But the best resource of course is the Bible. And the passage we’ll examine today gives us some great insight on how to be an intentional parent. Ephesians 6:1-4 (on screen)
The Intentional Parent: (build)
1. Sets boundaries v.1 “Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.” Now parents, I know what you’re thinking, “Hey Pastor Russ, this is aimed directly at the child.” And I agree. We had our children memorize this verse before they walk almost! It’s aimed at the child but it is indirectly aimed at you!
God is saying that Obedience is a good thing! The pendulum has swing from parents focusing on their child’s behavior to focusing on their child’s emotions. Let me repeat that. The pendulum has swing from parents focusing on their child’s behavior to focusing on their child’s emotions.
There is a growing sentiment in our culture that obedience is a bad thing. Psychology Today:
“Obedient children grow into obedient adults. They're less likely to stand up for themselves and more likely to be taken advantage of. They're also capable of simply following orders without question, without taking responsibility for their actions. Even for children…obedience isn't healthy.” Psychology Today, September 2017
Can I just say that’s a bunch of hooey? Parents, don’t buy into the notion that obedience is a bad thing. When fostered correctly with love and mercy, the 2nd best trait you can build into your children is obedience.
And setting common sense boundaries is the first step. Here’s 4 good reasons why:
Boundaries help the child feel safe. Rules and routines established by the parent, not the child, helps create predictability and emotional stability in a child’s life. This is true for any age from a new born thru high school. So set routines for meals, bedtime, screen time, homework, etc. Tho they will push back and call you a mean parent, deep down inside they crave the certainty of boundaries.
Boundaries protect children from their own foolishness. The Bible says that “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child.” Proverbs 22:15 Research indicates that the prefrontal lobe—the part of the brain that controls rational decision making--is underdeveloped in a child and develops slowly all the way into early adulthood. That’s why kids do stupid, foolish things…. I think mine is broken!
Boundaries limit narcissism and entitlement. The worst thing you can do to a child is let your child come to feel and believe that the world revolves around them. If you do this, they will always be at odds with others, struggle with long-lasting, meaningful relationships, and chronic disappointment when the rest of the world doesn’t do what they want. Let me put this plainly: Don’t make your child the center of your home! You’ll regret it. Make your marriage the center of your home, and constantly reinforce how your child fits into your family. If single, same thing: constantly reinforce how your child fits into your greater family.
Boundaries help your child develop resilience. There is something about struggling and failing and learning to control their emotions that helps them push through the disappointments that await them as adults. If they get their way most of the time, you will rob them of that.
2. Corrects purposefully. We could spend a whole series on this topic! v.4 “Fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children.”
Obedience is a good thing, yes, but it is innate in children to disobey; to step across the boundaries that parents set. So what do you do about that? Well, you have to correct them. We’ve already talked about that. But how do you correct them? There’s a right way to correct and a wrong way to correct. What I know as a parent and a grandparent, that purposeful correction includes:
Setting out clear consequences. Many times kids disobey because they aren’t clear what the consequences are going to be if they don’t. Make it clear. If you do this, I will do that. If you don’t do this, I will do that. Make sure the consequences of obedience and disobedience are clear.
Check your own emotions. I have to admit, that there were times I corrected my kids out of frustration, even anger. I’m ashamed of that. I wish that I had always been intentional about my correction. If you’re feeling a high amount of anger or frustration, wait a bit; pray a lot, and then move forward when your child can see that your acting out of love.
Be consistent. Research indicates that parents who are inconsistent in their discipline make it really difficult on the child to respond properly. So aim at consistency.
Make your goal Godly character. The goal is not to get them to do what you want; but to help them relate to you as they should relate to their Heavenly Father. Done correctly, they will learn how God has standards of right living and that there are consequences to wrong living. This sets them up to understand sin and the need for a Savior. It helps them walk in the blessing and favor of God. And that should be what every godly parent wants for their child or teen.
Story about little boy acting up…O people of God pray…
3. Invest wisely: v.4 “bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
I won’t spend much time here except to say that your child doesn’t need a big house to grow up in, doesn’t need the latest greatest video game set, doesn’t need a great car when they learn to drive. What they need is you.
This takes time. Make sure you set up your daily and weekly schedule to spend lots of time with your children. I had a student intern back in Mississippi tell me, “My dad says you can’t have quality time unless you have quantity time.” And I think that’s right.
This takes instruction. Parents, don’t give up the joy and responsibility of discipling your kids. Don’t leave it up to us—we only have them a couple hours a week at best. Teach your children Bible verses. Lead them to faith in Jesus. Show them how to study the Bible and how to pray effectively. Model a missional lifestyle for them so they have a soft soft spot in their hearts for people far from God. And that leads me to the last insight about an intentional parent: They live honorably.
4. Live honorably v.2-3 “Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, 3 so that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life in the land.”
Paul is quoting the 4th of the 10 commandments. It is the 1st of the commandments that carries a promise: so that it may go well with you. This is pointing to the favor of God in the child’s life. It is no laughing matter to have the favor of God on your child’s life.
So it is incumbent on each parent to live honorably; to live in a way that is constantly pointing your child to the Lord; to live in a way that they will always sense and know your love and the love of God for them; a parent who lives above reproach, who displays a white hot love for Jesus and displays godly desires, sacrificial generosity, and a burden for the world. That is what every child deserves.
And it’s never too late. I talk to parents all the time that feel like they’ve screwed up too much and things can never be salvaged. Not true. It’s never too late to be a godly, intentional parent…start today with your children, even if they’re adults. Start today with your grandchildren. Start today with that 2 year old who is running and ruining your home life!
May it be said of you: this is us—by the grace of God, I am an intentional parent.
