Managing Relationships - 3
October 21, 2018
For the past few weeks we’ve been looking at Stewardship. We’ve especially been focused on the stewardship of being good at managing the relationships we’re in. Today, we’ll conclude with this part of looking at our relationships, then finish up in the next few weeks as we approach Thanksgiving.
We’ve talked about what it means to be a friend - - how to care for someone who is in need. We’ve looked at being faithful and committed to one another and how important that is in our world. Remember, relationships are all about commitment and not about controlling another person. We can’t control others, as much as we might want to - - we can encourage, we can motivate, we can even discipline, we can offer hope and love, and we do all of this and more - - by committing to walking alongside another person . . . as we offer them the love of Christ.
That’s part of the beauty and power of the church. Our presence with one another. Once we get to know one another and cultivate a relationship, we become loyal. We count on that person, not as a mere acquaintance, but as a friend, as someone we can go to in our time of need.
Even when they let you down. Even when they fail you. Even after they’ve sinned. . . . you don’t condone their actions, you hold them accountable, hopefully they repent and you continue to walk alongside that person as their friend.
That’s so vital in our world today. We all need friends. We all need people we can relate to, which is why programs like Cheers, Friends, Seinfeld, Will and Grace and others resonate with people.
Ultimately, each of these programs were about people who stuck with one another. They’re stories about people who mess up, who aren’t necessarily successful, yet their friends are committed to standing with them.
The great tag line for Cheers rings true for so many of us. Cheers was a place . . .
Where Everybody Knows Your Name.
In the midst of that song are the words which ask, “where do you want to go?”
PLAY SONG
Where everybody knows your name
And they’re always glad you came
You wanna be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows your name
And isn’t that so true in our lives. We want to go somewhere where people know our name, where we’re all on equal footing, our troubles may not be the same, but we know others have real life issues, they’re lives aren’t perfect, AND everyone’s always glad you came!!
That’s so important to us! If we don’t have that somewhere, then we’re missing a vital connection in our lives. Sociologists explain everyone wants a 3rd place. That’s an important distinction. When we break it down, it means
1st place - home
2nd place - work / school
3rd place - ???
For some people, it’s the bowling alley or the gym, or the bars, or coffee houses, or could it be the church? It’s not necessarily during the act of worship, but it could be part of it. . . it’s going to a place where we can find we’re accepted for who we are. Maybe it happens at Bible study, or you go to Sunday School, and you not only learn more about faith and action, but maybe even more importantly, you gain new friendships. We don’t have to pretend to be someone we aren’t.
With that in mind, I have a couple of ideas I’m going to be passing on to the Deacons to see if these are some things we may want to do, so we can better promote community and friendships within the church - doing it in a very relaxed, nonthreatening manner.
OK - - - so, we’ve talked about commitment to loyalty, and with loyalty comes someone who is a good listener. If you can’t be a good listener for another person, then you really aren’t committed to them.
I know I’m totally guilty of thinking I can multi-task when Debbie’s talking to me, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been proven incapable to doing what I think I can do. Have you ever had someone recognize you really weren’t listening to them, you were hearing them, but you were really concentrating on the television? I even think I can wash the dishes, have the television on in the kitchen and listen to Debbie at the same time. I’ve been guilty too many times of pretending to listen.
Listening is so crucial to letting someone know you care about them.
Some people hear you, but they just don't listen. Two guys were playing golf and one said, "My wife has a real problem. She talks to herself all the time." The other man said, "My wife talks to herself all the time, too, only she doesn't know it — she thinks I'm listening.”
We hear lots of things, we hear lots of noise, but are we listening? I remember one high school teacher would often say, “give me your undivided attention!”
One of the greatest gifts you can give is the gift of listening to what another person has to say. Have you ever told someone about an event in your life, and they immediately one up you. You received a $500 bonus at work - - they received a $501 bonus. You went to the lakes, they went to the ocean. . . and the list goes on.
Years ago when I did my doctorate on Spiritual Disciplines, one of them is SILENCE. One thing I learned about silence is that we can practice silence even in a conversation. That’s how we help someone know they’re being heard.
Many people don’t listen with intent to understand. They listen with intent to reply. Even the Bible recognizes this ~
Proverbs 18:13 tells us ~
13 He who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame.
How many times do we interrupt someone or give an answer before the question has been asked? Before someone can finish a sentence, we are jumping in with our answers, even when we don’t fully know the question.
I’m guilty of that one too. I think I know what Debbie is about to say, so I answer her. As I’ve been writing this message, I’ve been so aware of how many times we want to get our point across, so we cut people off. Think about that this coming week when someone is talking and you want to get your 2 cents in.
We can follow that with powerful words from James ~
19 Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. – James 1:19
That’s such a vital passage for us. We are to be quick or speedy, having no delays when we listen to someone. Then we are slow to speak. That means we don’t interrupt the other person, and it means - - and this is really, really important - - we don’t formulate our response while the other person is speaking. Instead, we listen and listen some more, so we really know what the person is saying AND how they feel. Then we can respond.
And this why listening is tiring. Most of you have already had your minds wandering . . . you’ve been thinking about something other than this message. It means you can’t last 12 minutes without losing your focus. I’m the same way. Listening is an art. It’s something we have to work on.
This is why most television programs change the scenes within 15 seconds, they know our attention span is that short.
A 2015 Time magazine article stated ~ time.com/3858309/attention-spans-goldfish/
The average attention span for the notoriously ill-focused goldfish is 9 seconds, but according to a new study from Microsoft Corp., people now generally lose concentration after 8 seconds.
It stated our attention span has decreased from 12 seconds in 2000. Well, 12 seconds is still a pretty short attention span.
And if there is a disagreement, being quick to hear, and slow to speak, will lead you to become slow to anger. WHY? Because you will better understand the heart of the person who is speaking to you. And when you better understand the other person, especially their heart, then you will be slower to become angry.
There is nothing manipulative about listening. You can't control someone by listening to them. Listening requires commitment on your part. A willingness to listen tells the other person, "I value you as a person." Managing your relationships involves a commitment to loyalty, it involves listening and . . .
a commitment to LOVE ~
I was reading about commitment to love, and someone wrote this about a scene from that old program , The Love Boat! There was a segment of the Love Boat in which Captain Stubing was performing a wedding. As he was moving through the vows, he said ~
“Do you promise to love her, cherish her, honor and keep her, as long as you both shall love?” I tried to see if I could find it somewhere on youtube or on the Internet but couldn’t find it. But it sure sounds believable.
Of course, the traditional wedding ceremony says "As long as you both shall live..." But the Love Boat modified the vows to give people an out. They changed 1 simple letter. It’s as if we’ll stay together as long as we feel good about each other. If my feelings go away, then I’m out. No obligations.
We live in a world which seems to equate love with feelings and emotion. And of course, there are emotions in love, the truth is, love is something we do. Love is a commitment you make which is stronger than any feelings you might have. Think about what Paul said in that great love chapter - - in 1 Corinthians 13, he wrote ~
1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
There’s no mention of feelings or emotions in this passage about love. What’s vital is how he starts this passage. Love is all about our actions. We can have speak with the eloquence of an angel, have the greatest knowledge and understanding, have the power to move mountains, give away all we have, even be a martyr, but if we don’t have love - - - if we don’t show love as the motivator behind all we do, then we’re nothing more than a noisy gong or clanging cymbal, we ultimately don’t have love.
So, Paul gives us some key markers for how we demonstrate love to others. He explains ~
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. – 1 Corinthians 13:1-7
He tells us what love is and what love is not ~
Love shows patience and kindness,
love rejoices with what is true and honorable
AND love is NOT envious or boastful, or arrogant or rude.
Love does NOT rejoice when someone messes up
There isn’t a comment by Paul which allows us to back out when we’re just not feeling it. And we’ve all been there. We’ve had our bad days, the person we love has hurt us, and we may want to cash in our chips, but that’s not love. And it’s not just about marriages, it’s about all of our close relationships. When you tell another person you love them, this is part of the behavior and actions which needs to back up those comments of love.
It’s when that person does something wrong, you don’t rejoice because you finally caught them messing up or sinning. You don’t get excited when they get in trouble at work or get a bad grade - - - when they do well, you’re legitimately happy for them. When they’re struggling with a decision which you think is a no brainer, you’re patient, kind and listen without jumping in and giving them the answers. You love them if they choose poorly.
Love is about being there for one another. It’s celebrating life together and it’s struggling through life together.
In the end, love bears all things. It means you deal with the shortcomings of the other person. You bear with them, just as you hope they will bear with you. Then you believe in them, you have hope and endure with them. That’s the ultimate blessing of friendship, of the relationships we’re in. Because those are signs of an unconditional love you have for the other person.
Conditional love is not love - - it’s hoping in a false love, and it’s loving as long as it benefits you.
Love is not about feelings and not about control. It’s about commitment. Love is an attitude that says, "I want what's best for you." Too often what we masquerade as concern for others is really an attempt to get them to do what we want them to do, rather than what's best for them.
Solomon wrote ~
22 What is desired in a person is steadfast love – Proverbs 19:22
He’s telling us that what each person desires is another person who will love us with a constant unfailing love. God is described as a God who is steadfast in His love, that He has loving kindness. This is the same word. It is a constant, unfailing, never ending love that isn’t based on performance, but is based on relationship. It’s a constant love from God to you. And it’s the love we’re to show to one another, as well.
We have lots of areas in our lives we need to manage. In most cases, that means taking control — grabbing the reigns and refusing to let go. In our relationships we don’t seek to take control, instead we commit to another person.
And we show that by being loyal, being a good listener and doing it all in love. When we do that, we will find others consider you a trusted, faithful, faith-filled friend.
When we do this, we are showing the world the love of Christ.
