Managing Relationships
Job 2:11-13
October 7, 2018
Last week’s message started off a little heavy - as we looked at what was going on in our government with the selection of judge Kavanaugh for the Supreme Court and the senate hearings. This morning, we’re going to start with another story, this one is about relationships, it’s sad, it’s bizarre, yet, it’s kind of humorous.
Do you remember the Seinfeld TV program? My favorite character was Kramer. Supposedly the character George Costanza was named after one of Jerry’s high school friends, named - - - Michael Costanza. Now, if you know the show, you know, it might not be a real compliment, because George was one of those guys who made you laugh, but it was because he was obnoxious and seemed to be more of a loser than a winner.
Seinfeld even gave his friend Michael Costanza a cameo appearance in one episode. It seemed Seinfeld valued their friendship and wanted to express that by giving him that cameo appearance.
But in the end, Michael Costanza filed a $100 million lawsuit against Seinfeld claiming the George Costanza character was based on him. He explained the character caused him a great deal of emotional distress and violated his privacy.
He even wrote a book, entitled, The Real Costanza. Writing ~ "George is bald. I am bald. George is stocky. I am stocky. George and I both went to Queens College with Jerry. George's high-school teacher nicknamed him 'Can't stand ya.' So did mine. George had a thing about bathrooms and parking spaces. So do I.”
In the end, the State Supreme Court Appellate Division upheld a ruling that Seinfeld did not use the plaintiff's "name, portrait, or picture.” The judges added that the statute of limitations on the case had run out, as Costanza did not sue within one year of the show's debut in 1989.
This guy tried to cash in on his friendship with Seinfeld. He was willing to risk losing that relationship in order to have a big payday. In the end, we can easily realize nobody is exempt from a failed relationship. https://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/story?id=111285&page=1
Sometimes, and this sounds terrible, but sometimes failed relationships are unavoidable. There are times when we’ve done nothing wrong, but someone has an issue and they place their issues upon us, and we end up hurt and losing a relationship we believed was valuable. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes, we’re at fault, or it’s a combination of issues.
Most of the joy we experience in life, and most of the pain, are the result of relationships. This applies to marriages, friendships, parent-child relationships, siblings, school and work-relationships. When you're surrounded by people you love, the hardships of life become more bearable. On the other hand, no amount of success ever compensates for the pain of a broken relationship.
Whether you’ve got lots of spare change or you’re barely scraping by, we all struggle with relationships. Nobody is exempt from relationship struggles. Just look at story after story about stars earning big bucks who are struggling with relationships. Nobody is exempt.
When we learn a little more on how to manage our relationships, we will find more enjoyment from being with one another. We will find we are more supportive of others and in turn, we find more support from others as well.
Those who consider friendship and marriage a disposable item, ultimately find themselves with greater unhappiness and more time being alone and feeling lonely.
There was a study published in Men's Health magazine which revealed the happiest and healthiest people are those whose relationships are strong and fulfilling.
We’re continuing to look at managing our relationships, so that we can not only find fulfillment, but that we would also honor and glorify Christ.
We’re looking at ways we can strengthen the relationships we have with others. How we manage our relationships and how we do not - ultimately is a reflection of who we are in our relationship with Christ.
For most areas in our lives, we try to control those things. We try to control our time, we try to control our money, we control our possessions - - - but, when it comes to managing relationships, you can’t control them. Managing your relationships is not about control, it's about
COMMITMENT. You can't control others, but you can commit to them. The more you try to control a relationship, the more quickly that relationship will unravel.
The way to find the most fulfilling relationships is when we commit to them.
First of all, managing your relationships begins with ... a commitment to loyalty
A group of friends went deer hunting and separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering as he carried a ten - point buck.
The other hunters asked, "Where's Harry?"
The man told them, "Harry fainted a couple miles back on the trail. So, I left him."
His friends couldn’t believe it. So, he explained, "It was a tough call, but I figured no one’s going to steal Harry."
True friendship requires more loyalty than Harry's friend showed him. The people closest to you need to know that they’re important to you — more important than the externals of life.
Paul gave the church some great advice in Romans 12, saying ~
15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with one another. – Romans 12:15-16
That’s such a powerful passage for us as a church to hold onto!! And I believe we do a great job with that. We celebrate together. We rejoice in the successes for one another. We smile and hug one another for the good that’s happening.
But we’re also there for one another in the struggles of life. When our brother or sister is hurting, if we can help, we do it. We’ll bring a meal, cut your grass, fix a wall, change a light bulb, sit with you and listen, and cry together. It’s the call of the church. It’s part of the beauty and power, wrapped into one.
The only way to really be sincere, to live in harmony with one another, literally, to be of the same mind with one another - - is to be committed to one another. And that comes through our relationship with Christ. Most people aren’t there for one another without the church being a guiding force. Throughout history, it’s the church who has reached out to help those in need. That’s part of the mission of the church - - to reach out and care for one another.
Commitment to one another is non-negotiable. There's a story about a guy who recently got married, but he began to wonder if she married him just for his money. So he asked, "If I lost all my money, would you still love me?"
She put her arm around him and said gently, "Oh honey, Don't be silly. Of course I would still love you. I would miss you — but I would still love you."
Those people closest to us need to know they have our loyalty. Solomon said~
24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. – Proverbs 18:24
This is a really interesting verse because the word for RUIN, literally means evil, or to afflict or break into pieces! So, what Solomon is saying is ~ having lots of companions may not be the best because they may lead you to ruin or evil. They may be called “FAIR WEATHER friends.”
He then tells us there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. He’s telling us we can have a friend who will literally cleave or be attached to us, someone who will cling to you! Someone who will be even closer than a blood relative.
That’s the point. If we were to admit it, we have lots of companions, lots of acquaintances. There's a difference between knowing a person on a surface level and valuing a relationship with someone. An acquaintance is a person you get along with as long as everything goes well between the two of you. It’s someone who knows you’re hurting, but doesn’t really care about your welfare. They’re not there for you when times are tough.
But, a close friend stays with you no matter what. They’re that person who will be there when you need a shoulder to cry on. They are there when you’re not at your best, not looking your best. They are there simply to sit with you. They cling to you, because they truly love and value the relationship.
How often will you really ask an acquaintance for serious advice about a life issue you’re going through? You’re less likely to ask them, because you don’t believe they’re committed and loyal to you. You want to ask someone who sticks with you, good or bad, victories or defeat.
The people in our lives are fallible; they will make mistakes and will sin. Sometimes they’ll blow it big time. Are you committed to them only as long as everything is cruising along perfectly? Are you committed to them only as long as you personally benefit from the relationship? Or can they depend on you even in tough times?
The story of Job is a great study on what to do and what not to do when a friend is hurting. After Job lost everything, his children were all killed, his properties and possessions were destroyed, his livestock were killed, he was covered with boils and sores, and finally Job’s wife looked at him and told him “curse God and die?” BUT, Job couldn’t and wouldn’t do that!
Job’s friends hear about what happened. And we’re going to look at the good and bad of what they did, so we can better manage our relationships. On the plus side~
At the end of chapter 2, this is what Job’s friends did after they heard what happened
11 Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place,
Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite.
They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him.
Initially, these guys did an amazing job at managing their relationships with one another and with Job.
Each friend came from a different place. They were all ethnically different. One was a Temanite, one was a Shuhite, the third was a Nammathite. Literally, they were from different regions in the middle east. It’s really amazing that this type of relationship existed.
It would have been awhile before they arrived to see Job, because of where they were located and the manner of communication. But what’s really cool is what they did - - - they were intentional about seeing Job. So, they got out their Google calendars and maps and made an appointment to meet at the local Starbucks . . . and off they went to see Job. Remember, their goal was literally to mourn with Job and console him.
The passage continues ~
12 And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him.
And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven.
These friends are doing the right things the right way. They’re great at managing this friendship. When they saw Job, he was sickly and covered in sores and boils. He didn’t look like himself and they were filled with sorrow. So, these friends did what was common in the middle east, they raised their voices which meant they were weeping and wailing at the sight of Job. They were screaming in grief and mourning at what happened to their friend. They grieved and mourned with Job, doing the custom of tearing their robes as a sign of grief and putting dust or dirt on their heads.
Finally, we read ~
13 And they sat with him on the ground 7 days and 7 nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw his suffering was very great.
Oh my goodness. These guys are great friends! Sometimes when a friend is hurting, for whatever reason - - - - sometimes, actually, most of the time the best thing to do is be there for them. What can you really say? We shouldn’t make any of those trite and down-right hurtful statements to those who are grieving.
We can express our sorrow, as these friends did, by tearing their robes, putting dust on their heads and weeping along with Job. As we talked about a few minutes ago, we too, are called to weep with those who weep.
They did a great job at managing that relationship. The problem in the book of Job came when they opened their mouths. Ultimately, they condemned Job for doing something wrong which . . . which in their opinion was the reason for Job’s situation. He didn’t do anything wrong, in fact, God tells us Job was ~
1 blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil. – Job 1:1
Nobody else in the Bible is described this glowingly. Job didn’t have a sin issue, but these guys bought into the theology of the day, that if you sin, God’s gonna get you. And the bigger the sin, the bigger the punishment
As the story of Job continues, at one point, Job said to his friends ~
14 He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty.
15 My brothers have treated my deceitfully, like streams which are overflowing and pass away,
16 when darkened by thawing ice and swollen with melting ice.
It’s kind of a strange sounding statement, but Job wants them to understand how they are treating him. He expected comfort from his friends, instead, they were blaming Job for what happened.
Job’s telling his friends - - they’re ignoring and forgetting about the fear of God. They should be offering comfort, instead they’re condemning.
Isn’t it true that when you are suffering, you learn who your real friends are. That’s part of the work of the church to stand by the hurting. That’s when you see who your friends are.
Instead they were treating Job the way a stream would be acting when it’s overflowing, being a destructive force.
Proverbs 17:17 rings true as well ~
17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
I love that thought, a brother, a sister is born for adversity. That’s part of their call. To stand with you, to love you - - - at all times.
Job was so disappointed in his friends. His expectations were for comfort and sympathy, to anoint him to soften his wounds, instead, they condemn him as a hypocrite, insult him and pour salt on his wounds.
That’s how not to manage a relationship for a friend who is hurting. You can’t just be a friend in the good times, you are a friend at all times, because you have made a commitment to that friend by being loyal.
At this point, we’re going to stop here. We’ve seen to be committed to loyalty in our friendships. It speaks volumes about who you are in Christ when you do. In 2 weeks, we’ll finish looking at how to manage relationships.
