IN CHRIST, I AM…FAMILY STRONG—Ephesians 6:1-4
Mother Teresa was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for her work among the poor of Calcutta. When she received the prize, she was asked, “What can we do to help promote world peace?” She replied, “Go home and love your family.”
Strong families are the foundation of a strong, healthy society.
The Apostle Paul points out that only one of the Ten Commandments is specifically connected to a promise: “Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Originally, the promise pointed to life in the Promised Land, the land of Israel. The Promised Land would be a place of peace, and a place where God’s people would thrive, in obedience to God. A healthy family structure would be the foundation of strong communities and a strong nation, under God.
Paul expanded the promise beyond the land of Israel, to “enjoy long life on the [entire] earth.” When the church went into all the earth in the name of Jesus, God’s people demonstrated the truth of God’s promise in every part of the world. When families are strong, the church is strong, communities are strong, and even nations are strong.
Parents and children have an opportunity to make an impact on the entire world!
HOW CAN FAMILIES FULFILL THE PROMISE OF GOD’S BLESSING, IN OUR WORLD TODAY?
Life today is quite different from life in Bible times. Families are pulled in many different directions: parents and children are busy, everyone is connected to their friends on social media, and children go off to school while parents go off to work. Many families lack the stability of two parents, extended family nearby, and supportive communities. Even the broader culture is not always supportive of godly family values.
No matter what the culture or family situation, the Apostle Paul identifies two sources of blessing in families: Children must learn to submit to authority, and parents must nurture their children to maturity in Christ.
CHILDREN MUST LEARN TO SUBMIT TO GOD-ORDAINED AUTHORITY
Ephesians 6:1 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
Obedience to authority is a critical lesson for a healthy life. If children don’t learn it at home, they might have to make up their lessons later, at school or work, or in the court system.
Look at a newborn baby: self-centered, out-of-control. He always wants to be the center of attention. He cares only about his own needs, and doesn’t understand authority at all. That is cute in a newborn, but when a toddler is hoarding toys, throwing tantrums, and defiantly saying, “No,” it is no longer so cute. If children are still throwing tantrums at ages 8 or 18 or 28, we say, “Grow up!”
The future of a child depends on learning to control self-centeredness, and to submit to boundaries, rules, and the needs of others. That will be a key factor in getting along with others, making friends, keeping a job, and success in life.
Parents have a crucial role in teaching their children to submit to authority. They set boundaries: “Don’t touch, sit quietly, wait to speak, don’t grab toys.” Are they taking away the child’s freedom? No, they are helping the child develop his own life skills. Parents lay out expectations, and make requests they expect to be honored: Pick up your toys, clean your room, do your homework, go to bed now, be home at 10 p.m. If requests are not honored, there will be consequences, like there always are in life.
Parents must ACCEPT THEIR GOD-ORDAINED RESPONSIBILITY TO EXERCISE AUTHORITY.
What motivates you as a parent? Is it to avoid struggle or conflict? Is it to have well-behaved kids? Is it to make you and your family respectable? (You go to the grocery store with screaming kids…How do you feel?)
One philosopher (Bertrand Russell) said, “The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to be a credit to them.” Is that what motivates you? Or are you motivated to have peace and quiet at home?
God gives another motivation for exercising authority: It is your job as a parent. Even when you don’t feel like it (and sometimes you don’t), you exercise authority, because you are under God’s authority. God has given you the responsibility of giving direction to your children.
Social scientists who study parenting have identified three parenting styles.
Authoritarian parents rule with an iron hand, controlling every aspect of their children’s lives. They think of themselves as the boss, answering to no one. Their control is based on power and threats of punishment.
Permissive parents are passive, doting parents. They ignore conflict, have few boundaries, and little control of their children. Their attitude is that they are not the boss, and they feel that they should simply encourage their children to make good choices.
Authoritative parents exercise authority, but with humility. They are strong, confident, and assertive. They provide clear boundaries for behavior, and they aim to help their children choose wisely, so that they don’t need to be punished.
Surprise! Research shows that an authoritative parenting style is most effective in raising children. Of course, anyone who reads the Bible carefully will discover that God commanded parents to be strong and loving, humble and wise.
Most parents strive to be that kind of parent. Many people who don’t have children think it will be easy to be an authoritative parent—until they have children. As John Wilmot said in the 1600’s. “Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories.”
How do godly parents gain a proper sense of authority? They submit to God’s authority! They might not always feel like controlling their anger and frustration, as they confront bad behavior. They might not always feel like doing anything at all, when a child needs guidance and correction. Yet God has commanded them to step up as parents, and they humbly obey. When they obey God, their children learn to obey.
Parents have a leadership role in the home, but children also have a role in accepting authority.
Children must RESPECT THE AUTHORITY OF THEIR PARENTS.
God says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord.” It is not only good for you, but it is “right.” The only exceptions are when obeying is morally wrong, or abusive or harmful to you or someone else. So don’t argue, don’t stall, don’t try to manipulate, don’t hope your parents will forget or give up.
What if you think your parents are being unreasonable? It is not your job to correct them; that is God’s job. You can, however, work with them, to help them understand your perspective. Here is how that works:
First be willing to obey, then ask if you can discuss it with them. Your parents will be much more responsive when you say, “Yes, I’ll do what you say…but can we talk about what I can do to change your mind on this?”
For example, teenagers with a curfew: If you routinely come home before your curfew, always call when you are delayed, and don’t complain all the time about how early you have to be home…your parents will be more receptive when you give them a reason why you want to stay out a little later.
Attitude matters too: Rolling your eyes or sticking out your upper lip will not work. It won’t work with your boss, or your husband or wife, or your kids when you have them. More than that, it doesn’t honor your parents, and it doesn’t help your life go well.
How long must children obey? (I’m not a kid any more, and I no longer obey my parents.) Eventually, obedience is replaced by respect and honor. While parents are supporting you, and you live in their household, you are still under their authority. (Some kids think that when they turn 18, they no longer need to obey. 18 is just a number; responsibility is what matters.) At the same time, wise parents begin at an early age to help their children transition from obedience to personal responsibility, and wise children set out to make rules unnecessary.
God’s blessings come when children learn to submit to God-given authority. Parents are responsible to help them do that.
PARENTS MUST NURTURE CHILDREN TO MATURITY IN CHRIST
In verse 4, Paul tells parents, “Do not exasperate your children.” What exasperates children? What exasperates you in a work environment? If the expectations are unclear, or the boss makes impossible demands, or your efforts are never affirmed, you are exasperated. The same kinds of things exasperate children.
Dr. James Dobson gave some helpful guidance. (Powerpoint)
1. Define the boundaries before they are enforced. If you haven’t defined boundaries, don’t enforce them. For example, you walk into the house, and a toddler is proud of the picture she has drawn on the wall with lipstick. Do you punish her for doing something she didn’t know was wrong? Or you have made plans for the family, which your teenager didn’t know about. Are you upset because she made her own plans?
2. When challenged, respond decisively. The child is asking you, “What are you going to do about it?” The certainty of consequences is more effective than severity of consequences.
3. Distinguish between willful defiance and childish irresponsibility. If a child forgets to feed the dog, a helpful response is, “How can we help you remember next time?” If he forgets to clean his room, the parent helps him by saying, “I guess you’ll have to stay home and clean it.”
4. Reassure and teach after confrontation. There might be strong disapproval of the action, and punishment. Then, after a few minutes of timeout, you go to their room, and hug them, saying “I still love you, no matter what.”
5. Avoid unreasonable demands. Don’t expect a young child to do the dishes perfectly the first time. Don’t expect an average student to be exceptional student; encourage them when they do their best.
“Do not exasperate your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
The literal meaning of “bring them up” is “nourish” or “nurture.” Give them what they need to thrive! If they need a hug or word of encouragement, give it to them. If they need to hear what they did wrong, tell them. If they need more structure, or limits on screen time, provide that. If they need more quiet times, or more time with family, or chores to teach responsibility, give them that. Create an environment that will be healthy, and encourage growth, so that they will become mature and competent young people and adults.
Paul tells parents to provide “training and instruction in the Lord.” Of course, this means teaching children about Jesus, the gospel, and God’s plans for their lives. It also includes the wisdom of living God’s way, and how to develop a growing relationship with God.
In the original language, “training and instruction” also has the meaning of “discipline and correction.” Christian parents don’t just tell their children about God; they help them experience life with God, and guide them by setting boundaries and consequences.
The goal, of course, is that children grow up in the Lord. That is the goal for everyone in the church, as Paul said in 4:13: to “become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.”
Christian maturity and God’s blessings in life begin in the family.
When children honor parents, and parents nurture children in the Lord, God’s people thrive, and the whole world is blessed.
