In Christ, I Am…Committed to US—Ephesians 5:21-33
We’re going to talk about marriage today—but not just marriage. The broader context in Ephesians is how people who are in Christ live together in love. Chapter 5 begins, “Follow God’s example, as dearly loved children, and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” In all of our relationships—with family, church, friends, or neighbors—we should be committed to helping others thrive and grow. Marriage is foundational to that.
Marriage is based on commitment—commitment to grow together. In our series, the card for this week is, “In Christ, I Am…Committed to US.” Christ motivates and empowers people to invest in their marriage, so that both of them can become all that God intends them to be.
Read Ephesians 5:21-33.
If you want to get a rise out of people, tell them the Bible says wives must submit to their husbands in everything. Some might want to applaud. (Some husbands know they would regret it later.) Some women might say, “…over my dead body,” and some men might feel pressure to be more dominant.
In today’s world, “submit” brings up an image of a controlling (even abusive) husband and a mousy, subservient wife. It should be clear that no wife should submit to abuse (physical, mental, emotional, or in the family). No wife should join her husband in evil, because God is a higher authority. And no wife should be so docile that she is irrelevant to the relationship.
However, if we think of submission in terms of a power struggle, we will be missing the point. Paul is quite clear that the husband is to submit, as well as the wife! He begins in verse 21 with, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Some translations made the mistake of adding a title between verses 21 and 22, which obscured the connection. (Note: Early NIV had a title between; 2011 revision moved the title up.)
What is Paul’s main point? He begins with “Submit to one another,” and he ends with verse 33, “Each [husband] must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Paul is not talking about a power struggle; he is talking about mutual love and support.
To understand this passage, imagine a couple in Ephesus; we will call them Jason and Phoebe.
Jason and Phoebe had their eyes on each other, and their families thought they would fit well together. Jason scraped together a dowry, and they had a big wedding with all their friends. Then they had a couple of kids, whom they hope will grow up to take care of them in old age.
Jason figures his marital work is done. He invests his time and energy in his work, while Phoebe takes care of the house and kids. When he gets off work, Jason goes to the gymnasium or the trade guild hall, to hang out with his buddies. Phoebe takes care of the kids and household affairs, and she spends time with other women and their kids. It is a convenient arrangement, as long as they stay out of each other’s hair.
The truth is that Jason and Phoebe are not that into each other. They aren’t committed to the growth of their spouse, and they don’t share a greater purpose in their marriage.
Now Jason and Phoebe become Christians. They go to church in Ephesus, and on Sunday, the elders are reading a letter from the Apostle Paul. Jason hears verse 28, “Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” That gets Jason’s attention, because he has noticed that when he pays attention to what Phoebe’s needs, his life is better. As the saying goes, “happy wife, happy life.”
Then Jason hears, “After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body.” He has been learning to think of the church as the body of Christ, but he hadn’t thought of that in relation to marriage. He will have to think more about what that means for his marriage.
As they come to verse 31, Jason gets a new vision for the oneness that God intends in marriage: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” Jason has to admit that he and Phoebe aren’t really “one;” their marriage is more of a social convenience.
Of course, Phoebe is hearing the same teaching. She has been feeling disconnected from Jason for quite a while, and she thought that was just the way marriage was. Paul’s letter gives her a vision for a deeper connection.
Both Jason and Phoebe want a closer, more supportive relationship, but they don’t know how to make it happen. There are not many models in ancient Greek culture.
The next Sunday, Jason and Phoebe go back to church, and they hear the same reading from Paul’s letter. This time, they are struck by the first part: Read verses 21-27.
Jason and Phoebe are not at all surprised that Paul says, “Wives, submit to your husbands.” They live in a male-dominant society, in which wives are expected to submit to their husbands. What is news to them is that they should submit to each other. How can that work? Should Jason just learn to say, “Yes, dear”?
Paul uses an analogy that helps them visualize their new relationship of oneness and mutual support. He says that if you think of the husband and wife as one body, the husband is the head of the wife. (That works for Jason and Phoebe; in their culture, it would be weird to have the wife as the head.)
The head-body analogy gives Jason and Phoebe a new model for thinking of their marriage. Jason should provide leadership in their home, and Phoebe should support his leadership. The result will be unity and oneness; they will be committed to the same goals, and they will be sharing life at a deeper level than they did before.
The head-body analogy fit into the cultural mindset of Jason and Phoebe, and it gave them a workable model for oneness in their marriage. But how should we apply that model to marriage today?
Some Christians believe that God has built gender roles into the order of creation: Husbands should lead and exercise authority, and wives should follow their lead and submit to them. Others believe that the analogy of headship reflects the culture of Paul’s time; in today’s culture, it makes sense for husbands and wives to share family leadership, and submit to each other. For example, one partner might take the lead in dealing with the kids, and the other in dealing with finances.
I don’t see much point in arguing about the meaning of headship in marriage today, as long as the couple can agree on how their relationship works.
If a couple agrees that the husband is the head of the home, that can be expressed in good or bad ways. I have observed couples where the husband dominates the wife, while the wife slyly manipulates the husband. Neither of them thrives when they act that way! I have also seen couples where the husband steps up as the head of the home to take responsibility, respect his wife, and support her growth. Usually when he steps up in that way, the wife if happy to have such a committed husband.
If a couple strives for mutual or equal roles of leadership, the results can be good or bad. If both are very assertive, there might be a continual power struggle. If neither takes responsibility, there might be a leadership vacuum. Other couples thrive with shared leadership. Together, they set goals, make decisions, and work out disagreements. Their strengths complement each other.
I don’t think that God is as concerned about gender ROLES in marriage, as he is about the GOALS of the marriage relationship.
Read Ephesians 5:25-27.
As the head, the husband should follow the lead of Christ as the head, and “give himself up” to make his wife “holy” and “radiant”!
He wants her to be radiant, so he tries to spend more time at home, and watch the kids while she cooks dinner. He makes an effort to put away his phone, look her in the eye, and listen. They talk about how to raise the kids, and how they spend their money. He takes an interest in her work and hobbies, and arranges for a date night every once in a while.
The husband also wants his wife to be holy, so he points out an unhealthy relationship in her life. She responds to the truth he speaks in love, because she knows how much he cares about her.
Paul addressed these verses to husbands, but of course they also apply to wives. The wife wants her husband to be “radiant” (in a masculine way), and she wants him to be holy. She “gives herself up” to give her husband what he needs to thrive. She avoids criticism, and shows appreciation for her husband’s accomplishments. She is careful to support his efforts with the kids, and she appreciates his efforts when his romantic plans go awry. Maybe she gets him a fishing pole or hockey tickets for his birthday.
The wife also wants her husband to be holy, so she challenges him to when he lies or makes excuses, or when he drinks too much. He recognizes the impact his lack of character is having on his family, so he steps up his game.
This couple is doing life together. They are addressing their priorities with time and money, and they are making friends who share Christian values. Their “US” is becoming more radiant and holy!
CONCLUSION
Read verses 21 and 33.
Do whatever you can to help your husband or wife thrive!
Give yourself, as Christ did, to make your spouse radiant and holy.
When feelings of love and respect run dry…do it anyway, “out of reverence for Christ.” Do it the best you can, “as to the Lord.”
You will be rewarded with greater health and happiness. Even more, you will share in a “profound mystery”: Two people, “united…[in] one flesh.”
