An old couple came to a judge seeking a divorce after 80 years of marriage. The judge asked, “Bill, Mary, why in the world are you seeking a divorce at your age? Bill, you’re 98; and Mary, you’re 96. Why in the world are you seeking a divorce now?” The couple looked at each other and then replied to the judge, “Well, your honor, we decided we would do this years ago, but we thought it best to wait until all the kids died off.”
Life is too long to spend it married to the wrong person. So today, I want us to look at what Proverbs says about selecting a good spouse. But before we do, I want to take a moment to address the idea of singleness. Being single is a legitimate life choice. If you are single, you do not need to be “fixed.” Our church is probably unique in that we have a statement in our confession of faith regarding singleness:
We believe that singleness is a gift from God and affirm the fact that it is not always God’s will for a person to be married. We believe that value, purpose, meaning and significance in life doesn’t require that one be married, for fulfillment and purpose is found only and ultimately in our love relationship with God through Christ and our finding contentment in Him. Isaiah 54:5; Jeremiah 3:14; Matthew 19:11-12; 1 Corinthians 7:1; 7, 32-35; Philippians 4:11-13; 1 Timothy 6:6-8; Hebrews 13:5-6.
Shana Schutte, author of “Betrayed by God? Making Sense of Your Expectations,” wrote this in an article for focus on the Family called, “Intimacy With God: The Way To True Fulfillment”:
“One of my girlfriends was lonely and frustrated that God hadn’t delivered her greatest desire: a husband. Never married and 40, she was tired of praying and waiting and waiting and waiting, but most of all she was convinced that her life was somehow less-than. ‘Being single is not the abundant life!’ she stated emphatically.
I certainly identified with the sometimes heart-wrenching emotions of feeling like the only girl without a date to the prom. I empathized with her loneliness, her cries late at night when only God can hear and her zillion prayers for a man she wasn't even sure exists. But the absence of abundant life?
I have a confession. I really like chick flicks, movies in which Mr. Right meets Miss Right, they fall in love, experience a crisis that rips their relationship apart, then make up with a kiss.
I like these movies because they speak to a place inside me that longs for romantic love. However, I know I will never find total satisfaction even if I could experience the romantic love of the movies because it’s not the highest aspiration of mankind or the zenith of fulfillment. If it were, then a scriptural command to love romantically would be our greatest calling. Instead, it’s to love God most (Matt. 22:37-40). In His love, we can find fulfillment that no human can provide.”
If I don’t find ultimate fulfillment in my relationship with Jesus, I’ll not find it in any human relationship. Only finding satisfaction in my love relationship with Christ enables me to give to another without worrying about them meeting my needs. I won’t manipulate, nag, or bully to get them to meet my needs, but can freely give of myself to them.
“Freely you have received; freely give.” - Matthew 10:8 (NIV)
“Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure - pressed down, shaken together, and running over [with no space left for more]. For with the standard of measurement you use [when you do good to others], it will be measured to you in return.” - Luke 6:38 (Amplified)
With that being said, let’s see what Proverbs says about selecting a good spouse. If you are married, consider how to apply what we learn to becoming the spouse you should be.
1. Selecting your spouse.
A. The importance of making a good choice.
“It is a trap to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider one’s vows.” - Proverbs 20:25 (NIV)
Marriage isn’t a contract between two people; it’s a covenant between two people and God.
B. The difficulty in correcting this mistake.
It’s folly to think a mistake in this area can be easily corrected. If you don’t settle for unhappiness, there are only two possibilities:
1) You fight for your marriage.
This is what every couple has to do, but if you’ve made a poor choice in your spouse, the fight will be harder. Instead of fighting together, you’ll be fighting each other. Sadly, after a while, many who stay in such a marriage, simply surrender.
2) You flee from your marriage.
As Christians, we should care about what the Bible says. So, what does the Bible say about divorce? A quick overview:
A) Sexual infidelity is grounds for divorce (Matthew 19:9).
B) Abuse and neglect are grounds for divorce (Exodus 21:10-11).
C) Abandonment is grounds for divorce (1 Corinthians 7:15).
D) If divorce occurs for other reasons, the one who didn’t want the divorce is considered guiltless (Deuteronomy
24:1-2).
E) Divorce is NOT the unpardonable sin!
F) Even is one does have grounds for divorce, that doesn’t mean they have no other option. You can still fight for your marriage.
“‘For I hate divorce!’ says the Lord.” - Malachi 2:16 (NLT)
If divorce is permissible, why does God He hate it? Literally, this could be translated, “I hate divorcing.” God doesn’t hate divorced people, but He hates the pain associated with divorce. Divorce is the death of a marriage. Death brings loss, and loss brings grief. Divorce causes loss of security, identity, confidence, finances, friendships, and relationships with former family, and possibly one’s own children. “Americans for Divorce Reform,” says the divorce rate for 1st marriages is 41%; for 2nd marriages is 60%; and for 3rd marriages is 73%. But Brad Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, says those who attend church several times a month are about 35 percent less likely to divorce than those who don’t.
“Being a committed, faithful believer makes a measurable difference in marriage.” - Glenn Stanton of Focus on the Family
Factoring God into marriage makes a big difference. But don’t wait until after the ceremony to do this. Make a good choice beforehand so you won’t find yourself making difficult choices afterward.
2. Selecting a wife.
A. Look to God.
“Trust the LORD completely, and don’t depend on your own knowledge. With every step you take, think about what he wants, and he will help you go the right way.” - Proverbs 3:5-6 (Easy to Read)
B. Look for spiritual beauty.
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” - Proverbs 31:30 (NIV)
“Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful face on an empty head.” - Proverbs 11:22 (The Message)
C. Look for someone who builds up rather than tears down.
“A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.” - Proverbs 14:1 (NLT)
“A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping.” - Proverbs 19:13b (NLT)
3. Selecting a husband.
A. Look for a listener.
“Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.” - Proverbs 12:15 (NLT)
B. Look at the company he keeps.
“Become wise by walking with the wise; hang out with fools and watch your life fall to pieces.” - Proverbs 13:20 (The Message)
C. Look for someone who is patient.
“A patient person is very smart. A quick-tempered person makes stupid mistakes.” - Proverbs 14:29 (Easy to Read)
D. Look for someone who isn’t afraid of work.
“A hard worker has plenty of food, but a person who chases fantasies has no sense.” - Proverbs 12:11 (NLT)
Conclusion: Choosing a life partner is the biggest decision you’ll make outside of choosing to accept Jesus Christ as Savior.
“You are not the same as those who don’t believe. So don’t join yourselves to them. Good and evil don’t belong together. Light and darkness cannot share the same room. How can there be any unity between Christ and the devil? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?” - 1 Corinthians 6:14-15 (Easy to Read)
When it comes to looking for a life partner, the world focuses first on the physical, then on the relational and
finally the spiritual. God’s order is the opposite. The world tells us to follow your heart, to think emotionally, or even to use your head, to think logically. But God would have us rely on the Holy Spirit and to think biblically.
