OPENING
SENTENCE: I was surprised when I heard some time ago that scholar Ruth Tucker was divorcing her husband for domestic violence.
INTRODUCTION: Most of you probably don’t know who Ruth Tucker is. She was a Ph.D. missions’ professor at Trinity Evangelical Seminary and is considered by many to be a leading expert on the topic. I have heard her speak several times over the years. One at seminary some years ago and another at a conference I attended on Mormonism at Salt Lake City.
What made it surprising is not just the fact that she is a highly educated seminary professor but that her husband was, using her words, “an intelligent, articulate, well-educated minister who had served in two Bible churches, taught for six years at a Bible college, and edited books for two Christian publishers.”
Of her experience, she says, “During our marriage, my ex-husband hit me, squeezed my arms black and blue, yanked me around, threw me on the floor, and kicked me. But it wasn’t until the last few years that his demeanor darkened, terrorizing me with his threats. During the last year of our marriage, I truly feared he would kill me and it was then that I began writing a journal.”
She later says, “Anyone who imagines that domestic violence is just the stuff of “ghettos” and “trailer parks” is wrong. Anyone who imagines domestic violence is just the stuff of unbelievers—people outside the church—is wrong. Anyone who imagines that the pastor in the pulpit could never be a perpetrator of domestic violence is wrong.”
TRANSITION
SENTENCE: Some of you have already heard my story with my stepfather and in my case, the abuse was only verbal- for my stepsisters, on the other hand, it was physical as well.
TRANSITION: While the O.T. addresses it a few times the N.T. never directly addresses the question of domestic violence- but it does speak about anger and more specifically the tongue and its power. Domestic violence starts with the heart and reveals itself in words and actions.
SAY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY: This morning I want us to address the issue of the tongue and ask, “Why is it important to learn to control your tongue?” We will learn you are judged by what you say and your words reflect what’s in your hearts and have consequences for good or for bad.
TEXT: James 3:1-12
THEME: Taming the tongue is vital to healthy communication in marriage.
Why is it important to learn to control your tongue?
I. You will be strictly judged by what we say. (1-2)
Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. 2 We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.
A. It is why many should not become teachers. Teachers use words to communicate ideas and not all ideas are equal. One of the greatest dangers of our contemporary culture is that it teaches that all ideas and beliefs are equal- no one is better than another. There are at least two problems with this philosophy. One, there is such a thing as objective truth. Something cannot be both true and false at the same time. Truth discriminates against falseness. Second, there is no way you can be intellectually consistent with this philosophy in that the moment I make a claim such as, “Jesus is the only way to salvation” then you must either accept it as equal and reject all other religions, or you must reject it and in doing so deny your philosophy- but you cannot do both.
Jewish culture understood that words and ideas have consequences. They understood that false ideas can lead to devastating consequences so they guarded who could teach. The words of teachers shape the values and actions of a society and not only man but God judges him for the ideas that he teaches. That is James point here. We will be judged by what we say.
Paul tells us in Ephesians that we are to “speak the truth in love”. Truth doesn’t care about your feelings. Jesus spoke of words of truth and offended many- that is why they killed him. But, His goal was never to offend. Speaking the truth in love is about using words to transform people into becoming more like Christ- and sometimes that is painful to the one who hears it.
B. It reflects on your ability for self-control.
Sometimes we say things out loud that we later regret like the movie character who kept saying after an offensive comment, “Did I say that out loud?” It is a wise and disciplined man who uses his words guardedly and always with the right motives.
ILLUSTRATE Pastor Scott Sauls now from Nashville, TN who illustrates this point. Sauls spent five years working with Pastor Tim Keller at New York City's Redeemer Presbyterian Church. He writes that there are many ways that he saw Keller model the gospel, but there is one thing that really stood out for him. He says:
“Tim [Keller] is the best example I have ever seen of someone who consistently covers with the gospel. Never once did I see Tim tearing another person down to their face, on the Internet, or through gossip. Instead, he seemed to assume the good in people. He talked about how being forgiven and affirmed by Jesus frees us for this—for "catching people doing good" instead of looking for things to criticize or be offended by. Even when someone had done wrong or been in error, Tim would respond with humble restraint and self-reflection instead of venting negativity and criticism. As the grace of God does, he covered people's flaws and sins. Sometimes he covered my flaws and sins. He did this because that's what grace does; it reminds us that in Jesus we are shielded and protected from the worst things about ourselves. Because Jesus shields us like this, we should of all people be zealous to restore reputations versus destroying reputations, to protect a good name versus calling someone a name, to shut down gossip versus feeding gossip, to restore broken relationships versus begrudging broken people.”
APPLY: What you say matters to God. Keller illustrates what He favors.
THEME: Taming the tongue is vital to healthy communication in marriage.
Why is it important to learn to control your tongue?
II. The effects of what you say have great consequences. (3-6)
When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”
A. It is like a bit in a horse’s mouth. Think of how small a bit is in relation to the horse it directs. The horse is a large, powerful animal that could easily overcome us but the small bit makes the horse move in the direction it does. Similarly, the tongue is a small part of our body but shapes the direction not only of our bodies but also of our lives.
B. It is like a rudder on a ship. The size of the rudder in relation to the ship is quite small but again, this small rudder determines the direction the ship will turn. So does the tongue.
C. It is like a spark in a forest. In recent months we have gotten news of dozens of forest fires in B.C. and the states. They all start with something very small. In most cases, it was a simple spark or flame that ignited dry timber. The damage that small flame caused destroyed who forest, took many man-hours to fight and spread over thousands of acres.
ILLUSTRATE: I have known husbands who lash out at their wives in anger and put-downs. Once they have vented they are ready to move on. But, their words created a spark that has set a fire in motion. The wife has not let it go and has not moved on. She can hold on to it for days and weeks- so don’t be surprised, husband, if your outburst still has effects weeks later. The damage is not easily repaired. Nor can you blame your anger and words on others. Only you can control your anger and your words.
Remember, you are married to a very flawed person- and so is your spouse. While there is occasionally a place for stern words they must be shaped by love. Being married to a flawed person means we must approach their flaws with wisdom and discernment. We must know what battles are worth drawing blood over- most are not. Remember the goal is always to strengthen the relationship- not destroy the other person. We can tear down or build up with our words.
When Apple Inc. set off a frenzy of activity with the debut of its iPhone 6 and 6 Plus, workers from Teardown.com lined up at 5 A.M. at stores across Austin to buy three devices. Then they returned to the company's offices, where engineers began disassembling the new products.
"We took a screwdriver and tore them apart," said one of Teardown.com's analysts. "We wanted to know every detail of everything that's inside: who the supplier was for every component, wire, and screw, and how much it cost to make." Over the next 12 hours, the battery, cameras, display, materials, and electronics were analyzed and priced, and the information was rolled into a spreadsheet.
The "quick-turn" report was shared with Teardown.com's clients, who include tech manufacturers, financial investors looking for market trends, and resellers who want to know how much individual parts cost. Attorneys use the reports for patent-infringement cases, and engineering teams study them for design ideas. Over the past 15 years, Teardown.com has broken down more than 2,000 products, including tablets, digital cameras and camcorders, notebook PCs, and gaming consoles. Every product the company has dismantled, dating back to the first digital music players and GPS devices, is stored away in the company's morgue.
APPLY: Sadly, some people make it their primary business to tear things and people down rather than building them up. They take the efforts of others and seek to find fault. When done in marriages it destroys them.
THEME: Taming the tongue is vital to healthy communication in marriage.
Why is it important to learn to control your tongue?
III. What comes out of your mouth indicates what’s in your heart. (7-12)
All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. 11 Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? 12 My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.
A. Taming it completely is impossible.
1. It is more difficult than taming an animal. People, who can be great at many things, may find watching what they say impossible. Their perfectionism becomes judgmentalism. It can lead to anger or gossip or comments that demonize someone. This reality should cause us to ask the question, “Why is it so it hard to control what we say?
2. It is a restless evil that reflects our inward hearts. We are basically self-centered sinners and our words reflect what is in our hearts. The Bible speaks to this often.
Matthew 15:11 “It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person.”
Matthew 12:34 “You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”
Matthew 5:32 “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.”
Luke 6:45: “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”
B. To change what you say requires you to change what is in our hearts. If the words of a person express hate and anger it means his heart is filled with hate and anger. Changing our words requires changing our hearts.
1. We cannot worship God with the same mouth that curses others. It is called hypocrisy and we see it often. A person comes to church on Sunday morning and sings worship songs, give testimonies and shares how they love God. That very night and throughout the week they treat their spouse with anger and contempt from the very same mouth. As James says, “My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring.”
2. Worship must come out of a pure heart. The following story illustrates this.
ILLUSTRATE: Hold up a bottle of water and then pour water out on the platform. Then I ask, "Why is there now water on the floor?" The answer is obvious- because there is water in the bottle.
Then ask, "But why is there water on the floor and not Pepsi or Kool-Aid?" There is water on the floor because there had been water in the bottle. Similarly, Jesus said, "Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." What's inside us determines what comes out of us.
APPLY: When we are honest with ourselves most of us instinctually know that something is intrinsically wrong with us and we need to change. But here is the most important point- only God can change our hearts. When we recognize that we are sinners deserving of punishment then we know we have no hope unless we change. But, the kind of change required is beyond our ability to produce. An evil heart cannot produce a pure heart simply by willing it to be so. Saltwater cannot produce fresh water.
This transformation of the heart is a central theme of scripture. Jesus used the phrase, “You must be born again.” Changing the heart is more than tweaking a few things- it requires total rebirth. Paul speaks of it as, “dying with Christ and be risen to new life.”
II Corinthians 5:17-19 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
The fact that it is not our doing is revealed in Ephesians 2:8-9, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
This handiwork should be expressed in our speech. Ephesians 4:29-30: Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
THEME: Taming the tongue is vital to healthy communication in marriage.
SAY WHAT YOU HAVE SAID: This morning we addressed the issue of the tongue and asked, “Why is it important to learn to control your tongue?” We learned that you are judged by what you say and your words reflect what’s in your hearts and has consequences for good or for bad.
TIE INTO OPENING SENTENCE: Just because a person is educated or even in ministry does not mean we can control the tongue. We saw that with our opening story of Ruth Tucker, a Ph.D. professor of mission and her husband who was a pastor and successful author. His inability to control his tongue and actions reflected his heart- he was angry and bitter inside.
Domestic violence is a big issue in our culture. It starts in the heart, expresses itself in words and if often followed by actions that include physical abuse. If we are to change domestic violence we must change what is in the heart- and only the person can do that.
APPLY TO SPECIFIC AUDIENCE
1. If you are being abused through domestic violence. Understand it is not your fault when a person loses control of their anger. Don’t provoke it or feed- as I have seen some do but don’t assume blame. If your life is threatened, then get away from the danger and get protection. If a family is involved call the police get a restraining order and get the person out of the house.
2. If your anger gets the best of you then remember- only you can deal with it- don’t blame it on your spouse. You can learn to control what you say and what you do. If they have done something wrong or inappropriate then confront them in an appropriate way. Violence against your spouse is never justified. Words intended to hurt never fix the issue. You must accept responsibility for your actions alone.
HAYMAKER: George Orwell's famous novel Animal Farm provides a parable about how we often treat each other in Christian community, families, and work settings. In Orwell's parable, farm animals rebel against the cruel farmer, but when they overthrow the farmer and the pigs take charge of the place, they become even worse than the farmer.
Two pigs, Napoleon and Snowball, vie for leadership, and Napoleon eventually succeeds in exiling Snowball. But Napoleon's leadership does not bring prosperity and comfort. When the farm experiences a major setback, it's Snowball's fault, even though he no longer lives there. Snowball becomes a convenient scapegoat for Napoleon, so he can deflect criticism from his own poor leadership. Orwell writes:
Whenever anything went wrong it became usual to attribute it to Snowball. If a window was broken or a drain was blocked up, someone was certain to say that Snowball had come in the night and done it, and when the key of the store-shed was lost, the whole farm was convinced that Snowball had thrown it down the well. Curiously enough, they went on believing this even after the mislaid key was found under a sack of meal.
Sadly, many of us humans suffer from this same "Snowball Syndrome." We blame our children, our spouse, our parents, our fellow Christians, our boss, or our employees. Sometimes it really is someone else's fault, but all too often we blame others without examining our own hearts. There's only one cure for the "Snowball Syndrome"—repentance and confession of sin.
