OPENING
SENTENCE: Let me read to you a mothers account of a typical day in her household.
INTRODUCTION: Like last night. I had repeatedly asked Addy to go pee before bed, and repeatedly asked Peyton to stop throwing Addy’s pillows. When neither of them listened to me, Peter yelled from the shower, “If you don’t do what Mommy says in three seconds, you can both sleep in the basement tonight.” Five minutes later, Peyton was tantruming (it’s a verb in our house) and kicking Peter as he was trying to put on her pull-up, and he said, “Quit that Peyton, or I’ll give your bedroom away and you’ll sleep in the bathtub from now on.”
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s when Peter tosses idle threats at the kids. It drives me completely nuts (it’s just so mean, and never helps the situation), and the kids don’t buy it at all — like we’d ever let them sleep in our unfinished basement or in the bathtub. I end up getting mad at Peter, he gets mad at me for not backing up his shenanigans, and we end up ticked, which is when, I admit, I end up swearing.
If there’s one thing Peter can’t stand, it’s when I curse around the four little ears in our house.
So we, inevitably, fight over that. I think yelling idle threats at the kids is terrible parenting, and way worse than my sometimes-trucker mouth. He thinks swearing in front of the kids is terrible parenting, and way worse than his ridiculous threats. I get upset when he refuses to let the kids watch their show and puts on golf (see! golf!) instead. He gets upset when Peyton’s tantruming and I give in. I get mad when he tunes everything out (usually while watching… golf) and ignores/doesn’t intervene when the kids are fighting right in front of him. He gets mad when I don’t have a whole lot of patience when the kids do things that kids do (like make a mess right after I’ve tidied up). And so on.
TRANSITION
SENTENCE: Welcome to the world of parenting, in fact, it is one of the three major sources of marital conflict in an anachronism known as PMS: Parenting, Money, and Sex.
TRANSITION: There are three main areas of conflict regarding parenting: sleep (bedtimes), food (what they eat) and discipline (how kids are to be disciplined).
One of the reasons for parenting conflict is that each partner brings a parenting style into the family that often conflicts with the other. It is not just that men and women bring different outlooks on parenting but they may also have a different style. The four main parenting styles: Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, Uninvolved. (See graph and Image on back of bulletin).
Explain.
SAY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY: I believe we all need to principles for parenting that we can agree upon and guide our interactions. To that end, this morning I want us to ask the question, “What does the Bible teach us about the role of a parent?” We will learn that the parents have a very important role because they are the primary instructors of their children and are to calmly but assertively train them in the things of God as their highest value and as a way of life.
TEXT: Ephesians 6:1-4, Deuteronomy 6:1-9
THEME: Parents must agree on the values and principles for childrearing.
What does the Bible teach us about the role of a parent?
I. The parents are the primary instructors of their children. (Proverbs 22:6)
“Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”
A. It is the parents God given duty and right. This is probably the most well-known verse in the Bible regarding parenting. While this verse alone does not prove that parents are the primary instructors of their children when put alongside other key verses the point becomes pretty clear. Every verse that speaks to the topic of parenting teach and assume that the parent bears the responsibility and the right of raising their children.
B. The values a parent teaches will be with a child for life. The verse can also be translated, “Train up a child in his own way” meaning the parenting style must fit the child. Some need firm rules some need more affirmation, some are sensitive and some are insensitive. The point is not every child is the same and how you instruct must fit the child.
Also, this is not a guarantee- it is a principle Many a good parent who has raised a child in the way he should go and the child later rejects it. Most kids who rebel will return back to what they were trained in but, there will be some who rebel and never return by no fault of the parent. The odds of the kids of picking up your values are very high- but there are exceptions.
The Preamble to the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms seems to affirm the intrinsic right of the parent in raising their children. It contains a statement that "the Canadian Nation is founded upon principles that acknowledge ... the dignity and worth of the human person and the position of the family in a society of free men and free institutions". Canadian courts have consistently recognized the importance of the family and the need to protect parents from improper interference. The law is on the side of the natural parents unless for grave reasons, endangering the welfare of the child, the Court sees fit not to give effect to the parents' wishes.
In the charter, we find that the parent has the right to custody and control of, to direct the education and religious training of, to discipline, and to make health care decisions regarding, his child. The protection of parental rights is based, at least in part, on a belief that parents will act to promote their child's interests. To protect these rights, therefore, is to promote a child's welfare. Most fundamentally, perhaps, parental rights are viewed as "natural rights". It is accepted as a basic tenet of our culture that parents have a "right" to control and care for their children.
ILLUSTRATE: In recent years, both scripture and the present Canadian charter of rights are facing a challenge to its doctrine of parental rights. There is a growing trend in which state authority supersedes the parent in raising child. This is evident in Ontario’s recent enforcement of ‘Title 89’ which has provided the blueprint for Alberta’s “Bill 10.” At our last church business meeting, we looked at these bills and agreed to offer a corporate response to this movement intended to undermine parental rights and promote its own sexual agenda in its place. We encourage people to go the “Association for Reformed Political Action” (ARPA) website for information on these bills.
Among other things, Bill 10 requires all Alberta schools (Christian and Home Schools included) to approve GSA clubs. It also adds the terms “sexual orientation, sex, gender identity, and gender expression” to the Alberta Bill of Rights. This list has never been part of this law. Rather, the following principle, “to promote the best interests, protection, and well-being of children” has sufficed- that is until now.
The “religious faith, if any, in which the child is being raised” which was previously listed for consideration has been removed. Bill 89 also removes the requirement that a court determine, as soon as possible, the religious faith in which the child is being raised in the course of a child protection hearing. Most troubling, the bill removes the requirement for parents to be informed when their children are being taught about sexual orientation and the words “mother and father” are intentionally removed from the vocabulary.
APPLY: When we evaluate Bill 10 from a purely political-philosophical perspective, we see a State that refuses to inform parents about what is being taught to their children, a State that says there is only one way to deal with sexual ethics, a State that maligns other points of view by demonizing critics, a State that centralizes power in an education bureaucracy. It is totalitarian. Bill 10, and all the baggage it carries is something that could only be promoted by socialists or worse. We will have the ARPA website on our church website to review the info.
THEME: Parents must agree on the values and principles for childrearing.
What does the Bible teach us about the role of a parent?
II. Parents are to calmly train and instruct their children (Ephesian 6:1-4)
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” 4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
A. Children who honor and obey responsible parents live longer and better lives. This promise is reiterated several times in scripture and if you look at the evidence we see it is true. Kids who behave just do better in life. John Rosemond, author and child psychologist, affirms this and recommends parents give their children more vitamin N. The N stands for the word “No.” He points out that one of the major contributors to child misbehavior and depression is parental over-indulgence. It leads to its own form of addiction.
B. Parents should provide firm guidance without exasperating their children. Notice the command, “Do not exasperate your children.” We exasperate them by the way you treat them. We can do it through things like, Overprotection, Favoritism, Unrealistic or inconsistent expectations, no encouragement, making them feel unwanted, using love to manipulate, physical or verbal abuse. We can do it by the extremes of over permissiveness or being over authoritarian.
C. Parents are to train them to love and obey God. If I could identify one central value a parent needs to instill within his child it is to love God. If they love God everything else will fall into place. That is the one greatest thing I wish I had done a better job of as a parent. I allowed my sons to see too much of the “dark side” of professing Christians or, as a pastor, I could not protect them from it. We sent them to Christian schools, had devotions, read them Christian based stories, and modeled our faith but, we could undo the effects of the brutality they got from churched people who attacked them at a very personal level. While I am convinced they will return to the faith they once professed- they have missed so much they could be enjoying.
ILLUSTRATE: Vaunda and I have always valued being a Christian presence for our sons. We made sure we were always a key part of their lives. “Actress Sarah Drew, who has appeared on Grey's Anatomy illustrates this when she spoke about her new role as a mother:
“The stay-at-home mom [or any mom] has the terrifying, holy charge of raising up little eternal beings into people who will encounter the world either through kindness and grace, or with malice and indifference. I cannot think of a more important job. And yet, our culture rolls our eyes at these women. Our culture says they've "given up" on doing anything [important] with their lives.
The greatest thing motherhood is teaching me is how to be present …It's very easy for me to get buried in my phone. To check emails and texts and my Twitter feed … When I am not present in my life, I miss out on the beauty that is surrounding me. I forget to be grateful, and instead whine and complain about how things aren't going according to plan. Meanwhile, my son, who is fully present, is busy laughing with glee at the leaves he's chasing and at the game he has invented.”
APPLY: When we are calmly and purposely present in the lives of our kids we find unlimited opportunities to model and teach them about obeying and loving God.
What does the Bible teach us about the role of a parent?
III. Godly parenting is a 24/7 way of life. (Deuteronomy 6:1-8)
“These are the commands, decrees and laws the Lord your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, 2 so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the Lord your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life. 3 Hear, Israel, and be careful to obey so that it may go well with you and that you may increase greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey, just as the Lord, the God of your ancestors, promised you.
4 Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”
A. The well-being of Israel and its people is tied to responsible parenting. This is an important reality that I believe is also true of North American. We especially see it in relationship fatherhood. When a father is daily involved in the life of his child the child tends to do far better. I spoke in an earlier sermon and wrote a brief booklet on the devastating effects of fatherless in our culture. We have seen it for years in the black community. In fact, this reality is one of the key reasons for me to offer this series on marriage. The break-up of marriages and the increase in fatherless homes have done immeasurable damage. Booklets are on the back table for those who want to look closer at this. The cure to most of our social ailments is tied to strengthening families and encouraging responsible parenting.
B. Good parenting teaches children to know and obey the “Shema”. (vs. 4-5) The Shemah was a key Jewish concept that every child was to learn early on. The Shemah is stated in verses 4-5, “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.”
It is what Jesus said in response to the Jewish lawyer who asked Him the question, “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” He responded in Matthew 22:37-40, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
C. Every means possible should be used to teach children to love God. This command (Shemah) is so important to get across that parents, and especially fathers, should use every opportunity to instill it into the lives of their children. This means we must not only be present and engaged but, we must also be purposeful- it will not just happen.
ILLUSTRATE: Well-known Pastor Ray Ortlund, tells an interesting story that illustrates this point. “Fifty years ago my dad and mom gave me a new Bible. It was my senior year in high school, the first week of two-a-day football practices, and I crawled home that day, bone tired. Mom made a special dinner for me, since it was my birthday, and dad gave me a Bible with the following inscription: ‘Bud, nothing could be greater than to have a son—a son who loves the Lord and walks with him. Your mother and I have found this Book our dearest treasure. We give it to you and doing so can give nothing greater. Be a student of the Bible and your life will be full of blessing. We love you. Dad 9/7/66 Phil. 1:6’
As I read these wonderful words from fifty years ago, it never occurred to me to think, "Dad doesn't really believe that. It's just religious talk." I knew he meant it, because I watched him live it. He was a student of the Bible, and his life was full of blessing, and I wanted what he had. It took me a few more years to get clarity in some ways, not surprisingly. But on this day so long ago my dad said something to me that left a deep impression. It moved me then, and it moves me now.”
APPLY: There should be no conflict on this topic in parenting. Both parents should be proactive in communicating and applying ways to instill the “Shemah” into the lives of their children.
SAY WHAT YOU HAVE SAID: This morning we asked the question, “What does the Bible teach us about the role of a parent?” We learned that the parents have a very important role because they are the primary instructors of their children and are to calmly but assertively train them in the things of God as their highest value and as a way of life.
TIE INTO OPENING SENTENCE: Parenting is a wonderful but often difficult role that can lead to conflict in a marriage. Parenting takes intentionality and tremendous self-discipline and both parents need to be engaged with the shared commitment to teach their children to love God.
APPLY TO SPECIFIC AUDIENCE:
1. Men get out of your comfort zones. Your sons and daughters need you. They need not only that you be present but for you to model for them what it is to be “in the process” of growing in their faith’. You do have to be perfect- but they must know you love God.
2. Do not abandon your right to parent your child to the state which does not value the Shema. The present leadership of our educational system wants to take that right away if you do not abide their godless agenda. Go to the ARPA website and send letters to state your opposition to this trend.
3. There is no time off for parenting. It is a 24/7 commitment and it can wear you out. Seek Gods strength and guidance for the many times you will need it. Remember, God is even more concerned for your child as you are.
4. Understand both the strengths as weaknesses of your parenting style and ask, “How can I bring it in line with what God tells me about parenting?” If you are too permissiveness force yourself to say no to you kids when they need it- help them set boundaries. If you are too authoritarian, you need to know that you have a far greater impact by firmly loving them than by just imposing rules that exasperate them.
HAYMAKER: Mount Everest, the earth's highest mountain, has two standard routes used by most climbers. Both routes present a number of dangers, including frigid temperatures and monsoon-category high winds. In addition, climbers have a limited number of months in the year to make their attempt, along with very tight time periods during the day to safely ascend and descend the mountain. But the most dangerous obstacle, and the one that has caused most of the climber deaths, is altitude sickness. In its most severe case, it causes fluid on the lungs and swelling on the brain that will leave a person so disoriented that they can't think clearly. If this happens to you while on Mount Everest, it means almost certain death.
Therefore, it's not surprising that even the most experienced climbers don't try to tackle Mount Everest alone. They hire special guides called "Sherpas." The Sherpas are a unique people who, for generations, have inhabited the Khumbu Valley, the national park surrounding Everest. Because they have been living in the area for so long, they have developed a genetic ability to function at very high altitudes. Whereas most people start to have oxygen problems above eight thousand feet, they have an amazing endurance up to about twenty-three thousand feet. Since the Sherpa guides have trekked Everest many times, they are experts when it comes to knowing the weather patterns and the best time to climb.
But these gifted Sherpa guides can do something else: with their uniquely trained and experienced eyes, they can help those in their care pause and take in the beauty of Mount Everest. You see, this mountain is not all danger. It's a delight as well, with many breathtaking peaks, vistas, and valleys that one can only see from its heights. That's why so many are drawn to it and would risk life and limb to plant their personal flag on its summit. And it's not surprising that the official Tibetan name for Mount Everest is Chomolungma, which means "Holy Mother."
Parenting has much in common with climbing Mount Everest; children need their fathers, like inexperienced climbers need the Sherpas, to guide them and to help them avoid the perils and unwise decisions of life. But they also need their fathers to help them appreciate the wonders that await them on the upward journey to fulfill God's purpose for their lives.
THEME: Parents must agree on the values and principles for childrearing
