OPENING
SENTENCE: On Facebook the other day I ran across a post that reveals the heart of a young girl toward her father.
INTRODUCTION: It reads: Dear “Dad", Don’t worry, I'm fine. You were a good dad when you were clean. but you could never seem to stay that way. It seemed like even I wasn't enough to make you change, but sometimes I could tell I made you want to. The drugs and the addiction had far more control over you, than the love you had for me. I have always tried to understand how you chose a high over your own daughters. How come I wasn't enough to make you stop using? At what point in this addiction battle do I just throw in the towel? I'm tired of the Rollercoaster of addiction and I'm just a passenger. I'm daddy's little girl. And I'm watching daddy kill himself with this addiction. My heart goes out to everyone that's ever had to struggle with addiction.
This sad reflection of a daughter is a commentary on how everyone hurts because of an addiction. And, like her, they wonder, “What is wrong with me that he would not love me enough to stop?”
David Sheff has written an outstanding book, titled Beautiful Boy. The story is a personal narrative of battling with his son’s meth abuse. Sheff reminds us that addiction affects those around the individual just as deeply as the individual. Just as more than one person suffers because of an addiction more than one person must recover from the hurt and distrust. Sheff also points out that it does not help anyone to tiptoe around the issue- it cannot be ignored. He shows how facts and details—knowledge—is far more important than fear, doubt or denial. In the end, it can be hopeful, life-affirming and entirely rewarding.
TRANSITION
SENTENCE: These addictions also have a destructive effect on marriages and we all have all seen it, heard the stories, or experienced it yourself.
TRANSITION: The problem is that only the addict can make the changes needed to restore normalcy. Others, at best, can only keep from enabling the addict.
SAY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY: In that light this morning I want us to address the question, “How can we overcome the addictions that enslave and destroy our marriages?” We will look at three things, 1. There is a moral, spiritual standard God calls us to live by, 2. The death and resurrection provide the path to victory and, 3. God has provided the Holy Spirit to do what you cannot do.
TEXT: Romans 7-8
THEME: The Spirit of God frees a person from the addictions that destroy marriages.
How can we overcome the addictions that enslave and destroy our marriages?
I. There is a moral, spiritual standard that God gives for us in the law. (14-24)
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.
A. The law of God informs you of what sin is. While we all run the risk of being legalistic and self-righteous the solution is not to eliminate all the rules and laws that seem to oppress us. There is a standard and God has revealed in His Law. It reveals to us the essence of true holiness.
B. It reveals to you how far short of God’s standard you fall. To paraphrase he
is saying, I get up in the morning, I set my face for what I know I should do—the Law
gives me my rules, how to live my life. But by the end of the day, maybe halfway through
the day, I have already sinned. The law is perfect but we soon find out that we are not. When we measure ourselves against the holy standard of God we find that not one person in this room can match up to it. The value is the law is not simply in revealing God’s Holy standard but in revealing our weakness.
C. It is impossible for you to meet this standard through your own efforts. I believe that the heart of the addiction problem is that we are convinced we can fix this on my own. We are convinced that some slight tweaking of our thinking and behaving is all we need. The fact is, we are powerless to deal with by a sheer act of the will. Willpower is not enough, and to think otherwise is to deceive ourselves.
Richard Rohr puts it this way, “The experience of “powerlessness” is where we all must begin. … It seems we are not that free to be honest, or even aware because most of our garbage is buried in the unconscious. So it is absolutely essential that we find a spirituality that reaches to that hidden level. If not, nothing really changes. It is not necessarily bad will or even conscious denial on our part. We just can’t see what we are not forced to see. As Jesus put it, we “see the splinter in our brother’s or sister’s eye and miss the log in our own” (Matthew 7:4–5 The whole deceptive game is revealed in that one brilliant line from Jesus…
ILLUSTRATE: The law reveals three things: 1. God’s holiness, 2. Our Sinfulness and 3, Our powerlessness. Until we recognize our powerlessness God cannot change us. When we think of addictions we often think of drugs and alcohol but there are many others, some less visible, and are destructive in different ways but they all require the same starting point to overcome.
One addiction that has become far more common is pornography. In years past pornography was outlawed and kept in hidden. But, with the advent of the Playboy era, it became legal, more acceptable, more accessible and more explicit. When I grew up it was hidden behind counters that could only be accessed by the store owner or found in an adult shop in a sleazy part of town. It was embarrassing to be caught there. Things have changed since then.
Now it is available to anyone with a cell phone or the click of a mouse. 10% of all visits to pornographic websites are from children under age 10 and 22% under age 18. Let that sink in. A whole generation is growing up with access to graphic material unheard of in years past. In addition, 68% of all men visit pornographic sites at least weekly and pastors and Christian leaders are not immune. We are even seeing more of it among women. In one U.S. survey, 70 per cent of 15- to 17-year-olds said they had watched porn. By the time they reached 20, the same study found it was almost impossible to find men who hadn’t viewed the X-rated material. We have yet to fully realize the societal and spiritual ramifications of this reality.
I feel sorry for our young men today. They live in a sexually charged world unlike anything else in history. We all know the male is visually stimulated and women-will never understand the power of the male sex drive. Think of it like a car that has its cruise control set for 140 kilometers per hour. Every visual stimulus turns the cruise control switch on. Most men learn quickly learn to tap the brake to turn it off and in the past, there were strong external and internal incentives to do so. But, lately these incentives have been reduced and the cruise switch gets locked in the on position. There is often a long delay in tapping the break sometimes requiring men to press it hard to bring it under control. Young women also suffer because it objectifies them as sex objects. Young men begin to compare them to these images and are deceived into believing this is what these young women want. It is a recipe for disaster.
APPLY: God’s law tells us that viewing women this way is sin and many men who know that struggle with throwing this monkey off their backs and even if they want to stop like any addiction it draws them in.
THEME: The Spirit of God frees a person from the addictions that destroy marriages.
How can we overcome the addictions that enslave and destroy our marriages?
II. The death and resurrection of Jesus provide what we need for spiritual victory. (7:24-8:4)
“What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?
25Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
A. When we are in Christ we are no longer condemned by the law.
One of the great problems with addictions is that we always live in defeat and feel condemned. We think God’s love for us is contingent on how well we keep His law. The fact is, God can never love you more than He loves you now. Because of His great love when we accept Jesus and walk in the Spirit we are no longer condemned.
B. To be in Christ your old self must die and rise with him. The imagery is clear and powerful. Your old self-centered, ego driven self must die. So many addicts keep trying the same thing over and over only to find themselves defeated. They do not understand that their old self cannot fix the problem. That changes only when we are in Christ and by identifying with His death and resurrection.
As Rohr has said, “We keep doing the same thing over and over again, even if it is not working for us… We really are our own worst enemies, and salvation is primarily from ourselves. It seems humans would sooner die than change or admit that they are mistaken. This thinking mind, with a certain tit-for-tat rationality, made the Gospel itself into an achievement contest in which “the one with the most willpower wins,” even though almost everybody actually loses by these criteria. That is how far the ego (read “false self” or Paul’s word “the flesh”) will go to promote and protect itself. It would sooner die than change or admit that it is mistaken. It would sooner live in a win/lose world in which most lose than allow God any win-win victory. Grace is always a humiliation for the ego, it seems.
C. There is no place for ego in your spiritual battle- you cannot do it on your own.
I love the story Christ told of the Pharisee and the tax collector in Luke 18. It reads, “To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’
13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ 14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” That theme of humility before God is found often in scripture. God exalts those who humble themselves before Him.
ILLUSTRATE: “Have you ever been listening to someone blab on about something you know nothing about, yet you still try to contribute to the conversation? Welcome to the age of overconfidence, says David Dunning, a professor at Cornell University. Dunning reflects on overconfidence through our predisposition to be ready to talk knowingly about things that we know nothing about. "There's actual science behind that phenomenon, argues Cornell professor David Dunning. He's recreated similar experiments in the lab, asking subjects about fictitious political figures, for example, or nonexistent cities—and gets much the same results as the late night hosts [Jay Leno and Jimmy Kimmel] do. Dunning says, "What we find is that people are quite ready to start talking about things they can't possibly know anything about because we made that thing up in our office just the week before." Truly, our pride leads us to foolish places sometimes. Why are we so slow to listen and learn?”
APPLY: Similarly, if the out of control male sex drive, or other addiction, is one of his greatest enemies so also is his male ego. The same man who will not ask for directions when traveling is the same man who won’t abandon his ego by thinking he can do it himself. He is doomed to fail in his quest for self-control. The ego always insists on the high moral ground. But as Jesus says, like the seed must die to give life so must we. (John 12:24).
THEME: The Spirit of God frees a person from the addictions that destroy marriages.
How can we overcome the addictions that enslave and destroy our marriages?
III. God has provided the Holy Spirit to do what you cannot. (8:5-16)
5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.
9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10 But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
12 Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.
14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
A. The Spirit enters you at salvation and unites you with Christ.
Paul tells us in I Cor. 12:13, “For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body.” As a believer you already have the Spirit with in you but, as Rohr says, “As hard as it is to believe, many formally religious people do not believe in the reality of Spirit in any active or effective way. They think it is their job to somehow teach, introduce, or “win” Spirit, and they never get around to enjoying what is already and always there—and actively on their side. Walter Wink, a professor of biblical interpretation, calls it the mere “theological” worldview as opposed to the incarnational worldview, which is authentic Christianity. When all of you is there, you will know. When all of you is present, the banquet will begin
B. The same powerful Spirit that raised Jesus lives in you.
Ephesians 1:18-20, “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, 19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength 20 he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realm.” If the Spirit of God that raised Jesus from death can He not do the same for you.
C. The Spirit frees us by putting to death the deeds of the flesh.
Galatians 5:22-26, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.”
Ephesians 5:18 is the pinnacle of New Testament teaching on what we would call the filling of the Holy Spirit. Notice that it says, “Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery (or immorality). Instead, be filled with the Spirit.” The Greek term means to be filled, controlled, intoxicated, permeated, thoroughly influenced. In Luke 4:28, the word is used to refer to those who are angry about Jesus’ teaching. It says that “they were filled with wrath.” They were thoroughly overcome with wrath. In Acts 13:45, certain Jews resented the success of Paul and Barnabas. And the New Testament says that “they were filled with jealousy.” The Greek word is “Pleroostha” and means to be overcome by a power greater than your own. To be filled is to be controlled by something.
ILLUSTRATE: Think of a glove. When you are washed clean by the blood of Christ, you are like a glove. A glove can’t do anything on its own without being totally filled by a hand. The hand does all of the work. The Holy Spirit comes into you and totally permeates you, just like a hand filling a glove. That’s what it means to be filled
APPLY: The Holy Spirit has to have all of you. God is the source of the filling. We’re the object being acted upon. God does the filling when we ask him to. You can’t fill yourself with the Holy Spirit. “Be filled with the Spirit” is an invitation to allow the Holy Spirit to do what he is ready to do now. I want to challenge every single person here, if you’re a follower of Jesus Christ, to be filled afresh with the Holy Spirit. Leave here today filled with the Holy Spirit, the only capacity God has given for you to live the Christian life in victory?
THEME: The Spirit of God frees a person from the addictions that destroy marriages.
SAY WHAT YOU HAVE SAID: This morning we addressed the question, “How can we overcome the addictions that enslave and destroy our marriages?” We looked at three things, 1. There is a moral, spiritual standard God calls us to live by, 2. The death and resurrection provide the path to victory and, 3. God has provided the Holy Spirit to do what you cannot do.
TIE INTO OPENING SENTENCE: The Facebook post by the young girl in our opening story illustrates what so many feel. How many wives would say the same thing? The damage that addictions cause in marriages can hardly be understated.
APPLY TO SPECIFIC AUDIENCE:
1. If you are married to someone who is an addict I encourage you to do several things.
a. Do not get caught in the trap of this young girl who thought that if her father loved her enough he would stop. All addictions are self-obsessed desires where a person does not even love themselves- much less others.
b. When a man is addicted to pornography it is not about you. You may think, “What is wrong with me? If I were pretty enough, or sexy enough, or a better wife he would not want to look at other women.” The reality is that it has nothing to do with you. The problem is his.
c. If he tries to blame you it says he has not faced up to his responsibility. Don’t buy it and call him on it. Don’t ignore the issue or be an enabler. It will not go away.
2. If you are addicted then admit it and get help. There are support groups for alcohol and drug issues. I hope in the coming months to offer something for men who struggle with pornography. At some level, most men have to deal with it but few want to talk about it because of shame and it is not something their wives can understand leaving them defeated.
HAYMAKER: Ken Hempell tells this interesting story. “Years ago while on an airplane, I read a fascinating but rather unpleasant story. It had all the qualities of a good mystery. A frantic 911 call brought police to a home. The caller had only been able to communicate that she needed help and was being killed. When police arrived, they found a bloody knife beside her lifeless body on the kitchen floor. Blood was spattered across the room, yet upon examining the body they did not find a single cut or puncture wound … [but] they noticed a trail of blood leading into the next room and followed it. Entering the room they found a large dying boa constrictor.
Apparently, the snake had been raised as a pet but on this day the snake had wrapped itself around the woman as she was cooking in the kitchen. For whatever reason, she had allowed the snake to entwine her body in its coils and once it began to constrict its muscular body around her she sensed the danger. In a panic she grabbed a knife and began to slash away at the snake and while managing to mortally wound it, she was killed herself in the process.
This tragic story is a vivid example of the power of sin in our lives. We often take subtle compromises into our lives as an innocent pet, thinking we can handle them without any real risk, and thus deal with sin flippantly, all the while placing ourselves in great danger.”
Many feel like the snake of addiction has strangled them. But, God provides help. Ask God to fill you with His Spirit.
