OPENING
SENTENCE: His name was Mike.
INTRODUCTION: Mike was wealthy and very generous. He could be likable and charming and I am sure his wife saw those attributes when she married him. But, there was another side to Mike- he could be very opinionated and controlling leading him at times to be verbally abusive to his wife. He would demean her in public in ways that left her speechless and humiliated.
A few years into my pastorate at that church he came to me angry and emotional. He told me his wife was behaving badly- possibly even having an affair. Knowing Mike and his controlling tendencies it did not take me long to figure out what was going on. All the things his wife was doing fit the pattern of a distraught wife. But, because controlling people also tend to be highly jealous, I questioned his assessment of his wife’s unfaithfulness in light of her character.
I told him the problem I saw with how he treated his wife and why I questioned his evaluation of what was going on. Like others in the past, he got mad and left. Shortly after, I did find out his wife was inappropriately attentive to another man- validating Mike’s suspicions.
A few months later Mike returned to my office to thank me for our earlier meeting. I was surprised in that that seldom happens. He told me that when he left my office earlier he was furious with me but, it caused him to ask, “What if it is true.” So, he found a ministry called “Life Skills”, that helps abusive husbands change. He took a profile test and learned that he showed all the traits and then went to sessions deal with the issue. it was after completing his first stage that he came to me to thank me. It began to change his life- and he now leads sessions for the ministry.
TRANSITION
SENTENCE: There are far too many stories like Mikes but most do not recognize their abusiveness or allow themselves to change- as a result, they keep hitting the same brick wall.
TRANSITION: Like Mike, in many marriages, there is one person who dysfunctional that everyone else has to learn how to work around them. In fact, there is a field of study called, “Conjoint Family Therapy” built around that idea dealing with behavioral issues in children requires you also consider the key person that creating a dysfunctional dynamic in the family. We have learned that a high level of maturity and wisdom is required to handle abusive people.
SAY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY: This morning I want us to look at an example of such a person in the Bible and see how his wife handled a crisis that he created because of his foolish actions and behavior. We will look at a woman named Abigail and ask, “What can we learn from Abigail about how to handle being married to a fool?”
TEXT: I Samuel 25
THEME: Being married to a fool requires great wisdom and maturity.
What can we learn from Abigail about how to handle being married to a fool?
I. Your spouse’s foolish acts may sometimes require your skillful intervention. (1-13)
There are three characters in our story. With two of them, we see different responses in how they dealt with the dysfunctional character in the story. His name is Nabal.
A. Nabal’s foolishness becomes apparent as the story unfolds.
Now Samuel died, and all Israel assembled and mourned for him, and they buried him at his home in Ramah. Then David moved down into the Desert of Paran. 2 A certain man in Maon, who had property there at Carmel, was very wealthy. He had a thousand goats and three thousand sheep, which he was shearing in Carmel. 3 His name was Nabal and his wife’s name was Abigail. She was an intelligent and beautiful woman, but her husband was surly and mean in his dealings—he was a Calebite.
4 While David was in the wilderness, he heard that Nabal was shearing sheep. 5 So he sent ten young men and said to them, “Go up to Nabal at Carmel and greet him in my name. 6 Say to him: ‘Long life to you! Good health to you and your household! And good health to all that is yours! 7 “‘Now I hear that it is sheep-shearing time. When your shepherds were with us, we did not mistreat them, and the whole time they were at Carmel nothing of theirs was missing. 8 Ask your own servants and they will tell you. Therefore, be favorable toward my men, since we come at a festive time. Please give your servants and your son David whatever you can find for them.’”
9 When David’s men arrived, they gave Nabal this message in David’s name. Then they waited.
10 Nabal answered David’s servants, “Who is this David? Who is this son of Jesse? Many servants are breaking away from their masters these days. 11 Why should I take my bread and water, and the meat I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men coming from who knows where?” 12 David’s men turned around and went back. When they arrived, they reported every word. 13 David said to his men, “Each of you strap on your sword!” So they did, and David strapped his on as well. About four hundred men went up with David, while two hundred stayed with the supplies.
Notice two things in the stories plot.
1. David protected Nabal’s people and sheep when they were grazing in his territory. He did it as an act of kindness and generosity. We will learn later that Nabal’s servants saw it and appreciated it.
2. David’s needs some food for his men and asks politely asks Nabal for a return favor. It was an ancient cultural expectation that when someone asks for some food you provide it for them. David’s request was fair, especially in light of what he had done.
B. Nabal rudely and ignorantly rejects David and his request. Nabal doesn’t just reject the request- he does it in an offensive way. He did not consult with his servants and he did not check to find out who David was. He simply jumps to the conclusion that David and his men are just rift-raft trying to scourge a free meal.
C. David responds to Nabal’s foolish offense by preparing for a fight. Needless to say, it is certainly not the best response in that the servants who he is going to wipe out were not to blame. Like many scenarios, an angry response seldom matches the nature of the offense.
ILLUSTRATE: Nabal’s arrogant foolishness reminds us of people we know who are so self-obsessed that they create misery for themselves and others. I always wonder- why can’t they see it in themselves what seems so obvious to others? Don’t they see how foolish and abusive they are? The answer “No” and least they face the consequences for it.
My most difficult role in counseling is to get people to see themselves as they really are. You can’t change something if you can’t see the problem and even then it may seem too overwhelming to deal with. I have used the Johari window before but I want to show it again. Four quadrants, 1. Know to self. 2. Know others, 3. Unknown to self, 4. Unknown to others.
APPLY: The bigger our window the better equipped we are to deal with issues. For that reason, I give profile and personality tests to help people see themselves because, until that happens they will continue to behave as they always have. Don’t be afraid of seeing yourself as you really are. It may not be pretty but until you do you cannot change. Don’t wait until the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change. But, be assured, there will be pain either way.
THEME: Being married to a fool requires great wisdom and maturity.
What can we learn from Abigail about how to handle being married to a fool?
II. Your skillful intervention may require wisdom, risk, and subtlety. (14-32)
14 One of the servants told Abigail, Nabal’s wife, “David sent messengers from the wilderness to give our master his greetings, but he hurled insults at them. 15 Yet these men were very good to us. They did not mistreat us, and the whole time we were out in the fields near them nothing was missing. 16 Night and day they were a wall around us the whole time we were herding our sheep near them. 17 Now think it over and see what you can do, because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole household. He is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him.”
18 Abigail acted quickly. She took two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, five seahs of roasted grain, a hundred cakes of raisins and two hundred cakes of pressed figs, and loaded them on donkeys. 19 Then she told her servants, “Go on ahead; I’ll follow you.” But she did not tell her husband Nabal.
20 As she came riding her donkey into a mountain ravine, there were David and his men descending toward her, and she met them. 21 David had just said, “It’s been useless—all my watching over this fellow’s property in the wilderness so that nothing of his was missing. He has paid me back evil for good. 22 May God deal with David, be it ever so severely if by morning I leave alive one male of all who belong to him!”
23 When Abigail saw David, she quickly got off her donkey and bowed down before David with her face to the ground. 24 She fell at his feet and said: “Pardon your servant, my lord, and let me speak to you; hear what your servant has to say. 25 Please pay no attention, my lord, to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name—his name means Fool, and folly goes with him. And as for me, your servant, I did not see the men my lord sent. 26 And now, my lord, as surely as the Lord your God lives and as you live, since the Lord has kept you from bloodshed and from avenging yourself with your own hands, may your enemies and all who are intent on harming my lord be like Nabal. 27 And let this gift, which your servant has brought to my lord, be given to the men who follow you.
28 “Please forgive your servant’s presumption. The Lord your God will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my lord, because you fight the Lord’s battles, and no wrongdoing will be found in you as long as you live. 29 Even though someone is pursuing you to take your life, the life of my lord will be bound securely in the bundle of the living by the Lord your God, but the lives of your enemies he will hurl away as from the pocket of a sling. 30 When the Lord has fulfilled for my lord every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him ruler over Israel, 31 my lord will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed or of having avenged himself. And when the Lord your God has brought my lord success, remember your servant.”
A. The story is a Hebrew Word Play:
• Nabal means fool- Foolishness, and wickedness are often associated in scripture. We learn he is an arrogant, mean fool who is clueless about who he has offended.
• Abigail means wisdom. Wisdom and righteousness are often associated in scripture. I am sure that in being married to a guy like Nabal she has had to learn wisdom. In today’s world a woman could divorce but in her world, it was not an option. Even so, I am not convinced divorce is generally the right response even though it is more accepted in our culture. I respect people who stick in there in these contexts.
B. Abigail has to intervene between two proud men bent on destruction.
• Nabal- who failed to appreciate David’s authority and kindness, is oblivious to the threat that he created. He naively goes about life unaware that his life could soon end.
• David- she intervenes on behalf of David for acting on his anger to potentially kill a person for his foolishness. David has not yet become king, that happens in II Samuel, but he has established his reputation and stature for anyone remotely aware of what’s going on. Certainly, Abigail was aware, and she knew the real risk they were facing.
C. She skillfully defused the situation by her wisdom and carefully chosen words. What can we learn from her response?
• Abigail accurately understood the situation. She carefully listened to the warning from her servants. One of the first steps in gaining wisdom is to listen and try to get a realistic, accurate assessment of what is happening.
• Act quickly. Her quick and wise response prompted her to appease David’s. She had to quickly figure out what to do and get everything together on a moment’s notice.
• Focus attention on the best approach.
• See it from the perspective of the other. In her statement, we find she had no delusions regarding the situation or the wicked nature of her husband. She essentially says, “Nabal is his name and folly is his game.” She had probably seen and lived with his foolishness and meanness for some time. She is saying, “We both know he is a moron but is it fair to let everyone suffer for his stupidity?”
• She provided for David the thing he requested. That part of the issue is settled by her offering but it is the offense that is the greater issue and she knows she must address it. Now David’s ego must be appeased- the very type of thing she was experienced in.
• She praised his good nature and sense of fairness. There is a lot of praise, humility and brown nosing in her appeasement.
• She asked for his compassion and restraint. Her main objective to save everyone’s life, including that of her husband. It required great restraint and humility to do so.
ILLUSTRATE: Abigail’s response provides an incredible guide for dealing with hotheads- in this case, two. Wisdom is the fine art of maneuvering between what is good and what will work. We can be idealistic with no sense of reality, or realists with no sense of could or should be. She could see between the two. Show image.
Unfortunately, we lose the idealism and become a cynical realist. In his newest book, “Poke The Box,” Seth Godin shares this thought- “Sooner or later, many idealists transform themselves into disheartened realists who believe that giving up is the same thing as being realistic.”
APPLY: We need both but even more so we need the wisdom to know the difference. Written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr The Serenity Prayer says it well. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. Abigail models that very well.
THEME: Being married to a fool requires great wisdom and maturity.
What can we learn from Abigail about how to handle being married to a fool?
III. Wisdom is often rewarded beyond our expectations. (32-44)
32 David said to Abigail, “Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me. 33 May you be blessed for your good judgment and for keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands. 34 Otherwise, as surely as the Lord, the God of Israel, lives, who has kept me from harming you, if you had not come quickly to meet me, not one male belonging to Nabal would have been left alive by daybreak.”
35 Then David accepted from her hand what she had brought him and said, “Go home in peace. I have heard your words and granted your request.”
36 When Abigail went to Nabal, he was in the house holding a banquet like that of a king. He was in high spirits and very drunk. So she told him nothing at all until daybreak. 37 Then in the morning, when Nabal was sober, his wife told him all these things, and his heart failed him and he became like a stone. 38 About ten days later, the Lord struck Nabal and he died.
39 When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, “Praise be to the Lord, who has upheld my cause against Nabal for treating me with contempt. He has kept his servant from doing wrong and has brought Nabal’s wrongdoing down on his own head.”
Then David sent word to Abigail, asking her to become his wife. 40 His servants went to Carmel and said to Abigail, “David has sent us to you to take you to become his wife.”
41 She bowed down with her face to the ground and said, “I am your servant and am ready to serve you and wash the feet of my lord’s servants.” 42 Abigail quickly got on a donkey and, attended by her five female servants, went with David’s messengers and became his wife.
A. David ends his plan to annihilate Nabal and his servants. The strategy worked. He honors her request and in the meantime, Abigail leaves a good and lasting impression with David. Had she not have intervened the story would have a very different ending.
B. Nabal dies after stressing out over the news of what happened. I am sure that when Abigail had told him what she had done he stressed out over realizing the crisis she had adverted through her wisdom. He would have been killed. He offended a very important man with the potential to wipe him out and take his life. He died from a heart attack from the stress this reality put him under.
C. Abigail accepts David’s request to become his wife. After Nabal died Abigail was free to marry. Remember, with Nabal gone, in her culture she could have found herself destitute- property and wealth would not have gone to her. David’s offer must have been pretty appealing in a culture like hers.
ILLUSTRATE: This story gives me hope. David is remembered in scripture as a man after God’s own heart and when you read the Psalms you see why. Yet, this account, which is even before his affair with Bathsheba, reveals a very flawed man. He was willing to kill a man for his foolish arrogance and he marries multiple women- something God did not favor.
The reason David gives me hope is twofold. The first is that David, with all his sinful blunders, was still loved by God. That means that maybe I have some hope as well. But better yet, with the New Covenant that we are now under God deals with us on the basis of grace. This means I am motivated to serve God not because I can earn his favor but because He has already granted me favor through faith in Jesus Christ.
APPLY: Just as God has extended me grace, I am now called to model him to extend grace even to the likes of Mike prior to his transformation.
THEME: Being married to a fool requires great wisdom and maturity.
SAY WHAT YOU HAVE SAID: This morning we looked how Abigail handled a crisis that her husband Nabal created because of his foolishness and asked, “What can we learn from Abigail about how to handle being married to a fool?”
TIE INTO OPENING SENTENCE: When we look at Mike’s control and jealous we learn nothing has changed in human temperament since the days of David and Abigail. People still try to maneuver around angry dysfunctional people and figure out how to make the best of the crises they create.
APPY TO SPECIFIC AUDIENCE:
1. I wish there we more people like Mike who are willing to take a deep look themselves and see why they are controlling and how it impacts those around them. You might be that person- if so you need to take a personal assessment and seek change.
2. Abagail provides for us a model for the steps we can take in dealing with a fool.
3. Far too many are oblivious to the dangers that lie ahead due to their foolish blindness. If you have a dysfunctional person in your life realize that in every marriage needs at least one person with the wisdom to pilot the direction of the relationship. Maybe you are the one God has called to be wise.
HAYMAKER: “I imagine you're familiar with the phrase "ship of fools." It was a common medieval motif used in literature and art, especially religious satire. One such satire is Hieronymus Bosch's famous oil painting by the same name, which now hangs in the Louvre in Paris. This marvelous work, which is filled with symbolism, shows ten people aboard a small vessel and two overboard swimming around it. It is a ship without a pilot (captain), and everyone onboard is too busy drinking, feasting, flirting, and singing to know where on earth the waves are pushing them.
They are fools because they are enjoying all the sensual pleasures of this world without knowing where it all leads. Atop the mast hangs a bunch of dangling carrots and a man is climbing up to reach them. Yet above the carrots, we find a small but significant detail: a human skull. This is the thirteenth head in the painting, unlucky in every imaginable way. The idea is that these twelve fools, who think all is perfect, are sailing right to their demise. The only pilot on board, the only figure leading the way, is death.”
Abagail was characterized by her wisdom. She navigated the rough waters of a looming storm with great skill. While we need more Mike’s who recognize their abuse we need even more Abagail’s who can help make us aware of the dangers we could face if we stay the course.
THEME: Being married to a fool requires great wisdom and maturity.
