OPENING
SENTENCE: Some years ago there was a popular movie whose message was that somewhere in the world is a perfect soul mate made just for you in heaven- you just have to find him/her.
INTRODUCTION: The movie, called “Made in Heaven” tells the story of two people who had a few chance encounters on earth and had an immediate sense of some deep connection. It is clear that they were made for each other before they were ever born and until they connect with each other they will never feel complete or fulfilled. The plot is that that these encounters did not bring them together due to interference and heaven must intervene.
TRANSITION
SENTENCE: This popular notion of a “soul mate” which suggests that God has a person out there for you to simply discover has no basis in reality.
TRANSITION: Yet, many single people are looking for their perfect “soul mate” who will complete and satisfy their most basic longings- and many married people fear they missed connecting with them.
The belief originated with Plato, an ancient Greek philosopher, who taught that men and women were made in one body, but separated by the gods as a curse. Each man and woman scour the earth for that undiscovered spouse so the two can again become one. The problem is that this view makes us half persons. If each woman constantly searches for the man who will "complete" her, she can never be complete. Worse, she cannot live for Christ. I believe this misplaced search for a soul mate is counterproductive to the real work of building healthy lasting marriages. Why? because it leads to disillusionment when we find that marriage, by nature, is two self-absorbed people who are bound primarily by a covenant. In that light, it is better to seek out someone with a common faith, character, and values- and even then there can be tension. When you discover you are left with an unsatisfactory partner then that is when the real work of building a relationship begins.
SAY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY: This morning I want us to see that the bond of marriage is grounded in the covenant we made- not in discovering the ideal soul-mate. In that light, I want us to ask the question, “What do you do if you think you have married the wrong person?
TEXT: To answer this question I want us to return to the book of Hosea- a book we looked at some weeks ago when we looked at how to handle betrayal in marriage. If you recall from that sermon we learned that the book opens saying, “When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord said to him, “Go, marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord.” 3 So he married Gomer daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son.”
In these verses, God gives an astounding command to Hosea to go and marry a prostitute- not a person we would consider ideal marriage material, And, if there was ever a wrong person to marry, this would be it. We later learn that Hosea’s marriage illustrates how Gods people, Israel, have betrayed Him and prostituted themselves with other gods. God wants us to have a clear picture of what Israel is doing to Him and what better way than to use the covenant of marriage. The book can be broken down into two main sections, Hosea’s wayward wife, and God’s wayward people. So let’s again ask the question:
What do you do if you think you have married the wrong person?
I. Understand that the ideal marriage is not about the person but the covenant. (Hosea 1-3)
This notion that there is an ideal person out there for you has led to more disillusionment among couples than just about anything else. This book should help dispel that notion. The first three chapters of the book tell about how Hosea handled his wayward wife. At the same time that she enjoyed Hosea’s love and generosity, she was running from man to man causing disgrace to him. She abandoned her children and scorned her faithful husband. The book is not flattering to her in any way. In these chapters, we notice thing things.
A. Hosea was commanded by God to marry a prostitute. It assures that Hosea will face disappointment, betrayal, and unfaithfulness. But, this does not diminish the permanence of the marriage covenant. We are reminded again, just as we have throughout this series that marriage is to be modeled after the covenant that Jesus has with His church, or, as in this case, God, and Israel. The book reveals several things.
• The hero in this book is God. He is faithful even though Israel prostituted herself by worship false gods Yahweh but he shows unfailing in His love toward her. He honored the covenant He had made with her even when she did not.
• It was to call them to repentance. Sometimes we need word pictures to help us understand something clearly and this book is an example. If Israel could see in themselves that they are like Gomer, Hosea’s wife, then they could understand why God is angry and why they need to reconcile with Him.
• It was to reveal God’s willingness to forgive. God wants Israel to abandon the false gods they have cherished and to return to Him. We find he is willing to forgive them of their unfaithfulness- but they must repent.
B. Throughout most of history, a person did not choose his spouse. Marrying a prostitute was not Hosea’s choosing. Similarly, historically, most cultures had someone other than the couple themselves, choose their mate. It was usually the father. We find an example when we learn that Abraham chose Isaacs wife for him. We find it in Hindu cultures where a child’s mate is determined while he/she is very young.
I read a book recently on Crazy Horse, the chief of the Sioux tribe who confronted General Custer at the famous “Battle of the Big Horn”. In the book, Stephen Ambrose writes how native Americans selected their spouse. He says, “In legal theory, the girls had no say in the choice of a husband, but in practice, most Sioux fathers would bend with the wishes of their daughters. In the usual case, the father of the prospective bride would put the matter to her. If she was willing to marry the suitor, she put the matter back into his hands, meekly submitting to her father’s will. If she disapproved she let her feelings be known; when that happened, the father would refuse the ponies and other gifts offered by the suitor. But the father might insist, in which case the duty of the girl to submit to his wishes was clear. The girls had little basis for making a choice because courtship among the Sioux was terribly restricted..”
We bear greater responsibility when we choose our own spouse. In our culture, we pride ourselves in the fact that we get to make our own choices in regard to who we marry. But, let’s not forget that approach is historically novel. It also means we bear full responsibility when we choose. If you choose poorly you have no one but yourself to blame. We must also keep in mind that:
• Just because we choose our own partners does not mean we are less responsible to honor the covenant. God does not lessen the nature of the covenant because we choose badly.
• Just because divorce is now easier and more available does not mean the covenant before God is less binding. Our cultural laxness toward the marital bond is not recognized by God. He has not changed His terms just because we have.
• Just because divorce is more acceptable in society does not mean God’s views on it have changed.
C. We need more than passion and romance to drive our decision. I am convinced that so many of the values that we look for in a mate are superficial and not ideally suited for strong marriages. We value things like good looks, sex appeal, charm, humor etc. whereas we should be looking more at things like integrity, character, responsible, faithfulness, etc.- things that are not so sexy. But we must also realize that:
• Even if we think we have married our “soul mate” we can be disappointed. There are no guarantees that your Prince Charming will always sweep you off your feet. In fact, I would suggest you will find he is as flawed a person as you are.
• If we can realize the truth that there no such thing as a soul mate it is easier to get to the root of what makes a marriage work.
ILLUSTRATE: Debra Fileta has put it this way, “I think this philosophy of a “soul mate” has done far more harm than good in our society…Beyond the fact that the term is founded completely in a fairy tale, it’s also entirely unbiblical. It is a title that promotes “feeling” and “energy” that attracts one person to another. It’s a dangerous concept because it fools you into believing that love and marriage hinge on emotional ecstasy. And even more detrimental, is that it gets you to believe that you are incomplete until you come face to face with the love of your life.” The fact is that feelings come and go. Those who build their relationships on the foundation of “feeling” will find that when the rain comes- their love quickly crumbles.
APPLY: Fileta continues, “Don’t freak out if the feelings aren’t magical or mystical because frankly, they were never intended to be. Look for qualities, traits, and characteristics that are attractive based on the things you know you need and want in a relationship. Find a relationship that emits healthiness, wholeness, and respect. Take it one step at a time, and be assured that in a right relationship- feelings will always be present, but they can never be the foundation of a healthy relationship. True love is based on a healthy combination of facts and feelings and a whole lot of good choices. May God give you the wisdom to choose well.”
THEME: The bond of marriage is grounded in the covenant- not in the ideal person.
II. Look to God’s model of what unfailing love looks like when a flawed partner strays (4-13)
The next 11 chapters of Hosea chapters give a vivid description of God’s interactions with His wayward people. We see three major themes in these chapters.
A. God’s standard for us is high because He is Holy (4-7). Hosea provides a scathing assessment of Israel. Her idolatry permeated every area of her life and character including the priesthood and God deemed her incurable. God’s holiness was violated and her acts were found intolerable. Her lists of offenses are long and intense.
God could easily have asked, “Did I figuratively marry the wrong person?” Israel’s rebellion, like that of Gomer, could have easily have led to outright abandonment. We would not be surprised if God had simply said, “Enough is enough! I am leaving you and letting deal with your own demise”. Yet, we find He hung in there with them.
B. God holds us to account for our actions because He is Just (8-10). These chapters outline the discipline that God gave Israel. It was severe, but it properly matched the nature of their offense. These verses dispel the notion that harsh discipline is inconsistent with love.
Hebrews 12 reminds us of the relationship between God’s love and His discipline, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, 6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” 7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Applied to marriage this suggests that it is loving and appropriate to confront sinful behavior and demand correction of a wayward spouse. The goal of love is not to condemn or affirm bad behavior but to produce change the things that removes the rift in the relationship.
C. God is unwavering in his patience and forgiveness because He is Love (11-13). In spite of all that Israel had done God did not abandon them and was willing to forgive them. That is the message of Hosea. That is the nature of a covenant marriage. It does not ignore and minimize the offense but it also does not give up on the person.
ILLUSTRATE: God was never disillusioned with us in this sense- he never said, “I choose the wrong people”. Why? Because He did not start with a flawed assumption our true nature- He knew we are sinners. But, He models for us how we are to be with our own spouses who share our flaws- much like that of Hosea. Once we have married the person the question of who we married becomes mute- the person we choose to marry is the person we are called to love.
Every marriage should begin with three assumptions:
1. The person I am marrying is imperfect.
2. I cannot change certain traits of that person.
3. I must somehow love the imperfect person I am married too.
Kyle Benson puts it this way, “Lacey married Andrew, who tends to be loud at parties. Lacey, who is shy, hates that. But if Andrew had married Molly, he and Molly would have gotten into a fight before they even got to the party. That’s because Andrew is always late and Molly hates to be kept waiting. If someone is late, Molly feels taken for granted; something in her childhood made her sensitive about that. If Molly were to confront Andrew on being late, Andrew would have believed her complaining was an attempt to dominate him. That’s something he gets upset over rather quickly.
If Andrew had married Leah, they wouldn’t have even made it to the party, because they would be fighting about Andrew’s lack of help with the housework. This makes Leah feel abandoned, something that makes her stomach queasy. And Andrew would have seen Leah’s complaining as an attempt to dominate him.
APPLY: Since we are never perfect and our “soulmates” are never perfect, our imperfections are bound to cause two types of problems: solvable problems and unsolvable problems. Solvable conflicts can be as simple as setting up a relationship ritual such as a five-minute coffee chat to feel more emotionally connected. Solvable conflicts reach a resolution and rarely get brought up again.
Regarding unresolvable problems, we must learn that the idea that we can solve all of our relational problems is a fairy tale- get used to it.
THEME: The bond of marriage is grounded in the covenant- not in the ideal person.
III. Restoration should always be our driving motive. (14)
A. Marriage is about the painful task of changing us to think beyond ourselves. Our contemporary obsession with personal fulfillment promotes the idea that marriage is about the happiness of both parties. The suggests that we must accept each other just as we are and should not demand the other partner change. Yet this flies in the face of reality. Any healthy marriage requires we given up something of value for the benefit of the marriage.
B. The errant partner bears the responsibility for his unfaithfulness. Love may require us to confront inappropriate behavior. Silence or avoidance is seldom the best response to conflict reduction. The expectation that the other person change inappropriate behavior is not out of place. You will face pain either way whether you deal with it now or later. The difference is you have more control if you address it before you have fully demonized the other person.
C. In our unfailing love, we must call them to repentance. Remember, the goal is restoring the relationship. If their behavior is creating a rift calling them on it has a place.
D. Ultimately it is the covenant that must sustain any marriage. It may be years before a person changes but hanging in there is better than quick abandonment. In fact, God often uses these hard times to change us as well. It is in these painful periods of life that God uses to produce something far great.
ILLUSTRATE: Ravi Zacharias quotes a powerful poem that can be applied to how the difficulties and disillusionments of marriage can be used by God shape us. It is called, “When God Wants To Drill A Man” It goes like this. (See back of outine)
When God wants to drill a man, And thrill a man, And skill a man
When God wants to mold a man To play the noblest part;
When He yearns with all His heart To create so great and bold a man
That all the world shall be amazed, Watch His methods, watch His ways!
How He ruthlessly perfects Whom He royally elects!
How He hammers him and hurts him, And with mighty blows converts him
Into trial shapes of clay which Only God understands;
While his tortured heart is crying And he lifts beseeching hands!
How He bends but never breaks When his good He undertakes;
How He uses whom He chooses, And which every purpose fuses him;
By every act induces him To try His splendor out-God knows what He’s about.
– Anonymous
APPLY: God can use the torturous moments of marriage to mold us into something that makes us better. Each blow of the hammer shapes us into someone useful for His glory. Let us not stifle the work of God by cutting it short by giving up on that person.
THEME: The bond of marriage is grounded in the covenant- not in the ideal person.
SAY WHAT YOU HAVE SAID: This morning we found that the bond of marriage is grounded in the covenant we made- not in discovering the ideal soulmate waiting for us out in the world. We asked the question, “What do you do if you think you have married the wrong person?” and we learned that the ideal marriage is not about the ideal person but about the covenant we have made with God and our spouse.
TIE INTO OPENING SENTENCE: The fact is there are no soul mates made in for us in heaven that we must scour the world trying to locate. We must instead seek out someone that shares our commitment to Christ and supports our desire to be like Him.
APPLY TO SPECIFIC AUDIENCE:
1. People who are unhappy in their marriage sometimes claim that they did not marry their soul mate and therefore should divorce and begin the search for their true soul mate. This is nothing more than an excuse, a blatantly unbiblical excuse.
2. A marriage may not be as unified and joyous as a couple wishes it to be. A husband and wife may not have the physical, emotional, and spiritual unity that they desire. But even in this instance, the husband and wife need to work on developing true “soul mate” intimacy by obeying what the Bible teaches about marriage.
3. If we give ourselves to God and seek His guidance, He promises to direct us: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight”
4. Even if a marriage was not God’s desire, it is still within His sovereign will and plan. God hates divorce and “marrying the wrong person” is never presented in the Bible as grounds for divorce.
5. Ultimately, God is our completer. As Jerry Root and Stan Guthrie point out, putting others in God’s place—expecting them to give us what only He can—is a naked form of idolatry and will only lead to deep disappointment.
6. The “soul mate” idea suggests that marriage is all about me, that I need to find someone who understands me perfectly, who makes me happy. Marriage should be about finding someone you can make happy. That is not what it is about.
HAYMAKER: Ronald Reagan once quipped that the trouble with his political opponents, “is not that they are ignorant. It’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.” That describes our modern problem with our “soulmate” view of marriage. It just isn’t so. As J. R. R. Tolkien once wrote to his son, “No man, however truly he loved his betrothed and bride as a young man has lived faithful to her as a wife in mind and body without deliberate conscious exercise of the will, without self-denial.”
THEME: The bond of marriage is grounded in the covenant- not in the ideal person.
