OPENING
SENTENCE: The husband of a young woman at the church I pastored years ago had horrible spending habits.
INTRODUCTION: He was a man who seldom worked and always had an excuse for why- none of them was very convincing. He was healthy, capable and jobs were available but none suited his interests. His wife had a good job and supported them both. But, she discovered that he was applying for credit cards without her knowledge, drawing from their bank account and buying things they could not afford.
After several years of heated confrontations over the topic issue, things came to a head. She forced him out of the house and told him not to come back until he got a job and dealt with his spending problems. A few months later he had left she received a legal notice that a lien was being held against her house and she would lose it unless a massive debt she did not even know about was paid off. In time, other unknown bills were coming to her. While he was gone he was creating debt and she was liable for it because she was still married to him. She rightfully felt betrayed. The person that was supposed to provide for her, or at the very least help her, had instead ruined her credit and put her in a very difficult situation.
That feeling of betrayal is something I have seen often over the years. I have seen it in someone who discovers their spouse is having an affair. I have seen it in spouses who have been deceived. I have seen it in people whose spouses committed a criminal felony wreaking havoc on their family. There are also people who are just evil and many of them are married. We can think of drug dealers, Bernie Madoff and other embezzler’s who have cheated people out of their money- all the while married to unknowing spouses.
TRANSITION
SENTENCE: What is a person to do in such cases?
TRANSITION: Maybe some of them could have been discovered before the marriage but you don’t want to do background checks on the person you love and we know that some people hide some of their evil traits. Others have become disillusioned in life and change during the marriage so you could not predict their betrayal it anyway. For some, it may be their bad action is the result of a short-term lapse of judgment- but the hurt is still deep.
SAY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY: Over my lifetime I have seen numerous occasions of betrayal in marriages so I know the problem is real and divorce seems to be the standard contemporary response. So this morning I want to focus on the question, “What can we learn from God about how to handle betrayal in marriage?” We will look at three responses.
What can we learn from God about how to handle betrayal in marriage?
I. God clearly understands the reality of betrayal and rejection.
A. Hosea’s marriage to Gomer symbolizes Israel’s betrayal.
One of the minor prophets of the Old Testament is Hosea. The book opens saying, “ When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord said to him, “Go, marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord.” 3 So he married Gomer daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son.”
God gives an astounding command to Hosea to go and marry a prostitute. The reason, we later learn, is that Hosea’s marriage will illustrate how Gods people, Israel, have betrayed Him and prostituted themselves with other Gods. He wants us to have a clear picture of what Israel, and ourselves, are doing to Him. He wants us to have a sense of what He feels and the book elaborates on this betrayal in poetic detail. The very people He loved, protected and provided for have turned away from Him to false God’s who give them nothing. He is offended and He wants them to grasp what is at stake. He knows what it is to be betrayed.
B. Judas’ shows that greed and disillusionment lead to betrayal. We see the same thing with Judas Iscariot. We are told in Luke 22, “… the chief priests and the teachers of the law were looking for some way to get rid of Jesus, for they were afraid of the people. 3 Then Satan entered Judas, called Iscariot, one of the Twelve.4 And Judas went to the chief priests and the officers of the temple guard and discussed with them how he might betray Jesus. 5 They were delighted and agreed to give him money. 6 He consented, and watched for an opportunity to hand Jesus over to them when no crowd was present.”
Here was the man that Jesus trusted implicitly and who knew Jesus as few knew Him. But, as things began to heat up Judas became disillusioned. When he realized that was not going to set Himself up as King, as he thought, he figured he could at least get something out - so he began plotting on how to betray Him and did so for a few pieces of silver. We know the rest of the story. Judas has gone down throughout history as the epitome of betrayal.
C. Peter rejection shows that even the most devoted can fail us. Peter was Jesus most trusted disciple and often promised deep loyalty. Even when Jesus told Peter he would betray Him Peter denied it. And yet, when the heat was on, and just as Jesus predicted, Peter betrayed Him and abandoned Him as His hour of greatest need.
Principle: We live in a fallen world where the most beloved can betray us.
ILLUSTRATE: Kevin Miller tells a personal story that illustrates this point. Right after I finished 6th grade, my family moved to a new town. As I started junior high that fall, I suddenly found myself in a school I didn't know, in a town I didn't know, with people I didn't know. I felt very alone. Nobody knew me, and nobody wanted to talk to me.
Each day I would walk home alone, wondering, Is there a friend here for me? Then one day, a kid named Earl invited me to his house after school. I jumped at it. Earl was kind of like the other kids, but he had shiny hair (he wasn't particularly concerned about personal hygiene). Near his house was a parking lot where the electric company parked its trucks and heavy equipment. Earl knew how to sneak in there, and we clambered all over the big rigs and the augers and had a lot of fun. Earl and I began to build a friendship.
After a couple of months of sizing up this 7th-grade classroom, I made an important realization. The kids who seemed to be the most popular, the kids who were really good at sports, the kids who had the best clothes, the kids whom the girls whispered about and blushed over—were not Earl. They were two guys, Mike and Eddie.
So when Mike and Eddie finally invited me over to their house, I was exhilarated. This was my ticket to the big time. But I had one problem. Wherever Mike and Eddie were, Earl was not; and wherever Earl was, Mike and Eddie were not. And if I was going to hang out with Mike and Eddie, I could not be seen with Earl. I knew it.
So I made a decision. I went over to Mike and Eddie's houses, and I struck up a friendship with them, and I became "in" with those popular kids. When Earl called me, I kept putting him off by saying, "I'm, uh, kind of busy."
All those years since that time, there's still a shame around that betrayal, because the truth is, I betrayed Earl. I handed him another rejection in his life when he'd probably had so many. But I wanted something: I wanted that "in," I wanted that popularity. If I had to hurt him, I would do it. (Kevin Miller, Wheaton, Illinois)
APPLY: That is the essence of betrayal: It says, “I am willing to hurt you to get something for myself. And, in that self-centeredness, we find a lot of pain and disappointment. It is what some of us face at times in our life but it is what God faces every day. He has loved us and has created this marvelous world for us and every day he hears people say it is all a cosmic accident caused by time and chance. They won’t even acknowledge the very laws of nature are His design.
THEME: Anger at betrayal can is resolved by restorative confrontation.
What can we learn from God about how to handle betrayal in marriage?
II. There are two primary responses to betrayal. (Hebrews 13:4-6, Matthew 18:21-35)
A. Retributive Justice: This is the most common response to betrayal. It intends to punish the offender. "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth." Certainly, since morality is based on the holiness of God this also requires Him to punish wrongdoing- including betrayal. In fact, in Hosea, we find that this is His initial response to Israel’s adultery as expressed through the story of Gomer. He says,
“Rebuke your mother, rebuke her, for she is not my wife, and I am not her husband.
Let her remove the adulterous look from her face and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts. 3 Otherwise, I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born;
I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst.
4 I will not show my love to her children because they are the children of adultery.
5 Their mother has been unfaithful and has conceived them in disgrace.
She said, ‘I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink.’
6 Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. 7 She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband as at first for then I was better off than now.’8 She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold—which they used for Baal.
9 “Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens, and my new wine when it is ready.
I will take back my wool and my linen, intended to cover her naked body. 13 I will punish her for the days she burned incense to the Baals; she decked herself with rings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but me she forgot, declares the Lord.
We can certainly appreciate the tone in God’s response to Israel like that of Hosea to Gomer’s adultery. When we are wronged we want justice- and rightfully so. Even God demands justice. But, there must be something better and that is where the next point comes in.
B. Restoration Justice: To Forgive the offender to restore the relationship. This response places a primary emphasis on rehabilitating the offender to restore the relationship.
Out response to betrayal should not be either/or. Both have retributive and restorative justice have a place. There must be some negative detriment to bad behavior- especially for that of the non-repentant who will keep repeating destructive behaviors. Evil must be identified and confronted. It cannot be hidden away- but once exposed we must offer something more than just retribution as our response. The objective should always be toward rehabilitation and restoration. There are dangers that go with it. Some people will abuse it. Like controlling people who often go into repentant mode but return back to old controlling patterns when the pressure is off. There is also the danger of enabling people, like drug addicts or alcoholics, where support the bad behavior in the name of love. Tough love that holds such person to account is motivated by our love- not by our hurt
C. Forgiveness is to be given regardless of the merit.
This is the point that Jesus makes in Matthew 18, “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Jesus then tells a parable of a man who was forgiven much but that same man refused to forgive one whose debt was small. The passage makes two key points.
I. God has granted you forgiveness far beyond what you merit and in return, God asks you to forgive to an extreme and that is possible only if you fully grasp the magnitude of His forgiveness toward you.
II. You should forgive others in the same way God forgives you. You can be angry at someone whose offense is far less than yours.
Principle: Restorative justice should always be our primary objective.
ILLUSTRATE: My mother understood the difference between the two responses to betrayal or rejection. I remember my stepfather beating his youngest daughter excessively and out of anger when my mother stepped in to stop Him and called the cops on him when he refused to stop. It worked, the only times I know that he ever did it again is when I caught him in the garage and he stopped soon as he saw me knowing that if I told my mom she would call the police. Yet, she did not threaten divorce- in part to protect his kids.
APPLY: She modeled for me something important about responding to betrayal some of which I will point out at the application at the end.
THEME: Anger at betrayal can is resolved by restorative confrontation.
What can we learn from God about how to handle betrayal in marriage?
III. Jesus models for us the essence of restorative justice. (Luke 24:45-49)
A. He calls us to repentance when we have been the betrayer. After his resurrection, Jesus never held His disciple’s betrayal against them. I am sure they felt it. I am sure that when Jesus asked Peter three times “do you love me” Peter felt guilty because it was only weeks before that he rejected Jesus up to six times. He could see their repentance in their joy.
B. He forgives people when they act out of their ignorance and/or repent. It is also noteworthy that even as Jesus is on the cross being mocked and despised while he was dying that he prayed, “Father, forgive them because they don’t know what they are doing
C. He welcomes us back and no longer holds the offense against us. Forgives means to “let go of the debt that is held against you.” It is not just for them- it is for you. Resentment and anger that results from betrayal can eat at your soul.
Principle: God is the only one we know who will not betray our trust.
ILLUSTRATE: In his book Delighting in the Trinity, Michael Reeves compares two ways to look at God. First, there is the common view that God is the Supreme Ruler of the Universe. Reeves contends that if God is The Ruler and the problem is that I have broken the rules, the only salvation he can offer is to forgive me and treat me as if I had kept the rules. Then he gives the following analogy:
But if that is how God is (if he is primarily the Ruler), my relationship with him can be little better than my relationship with any traffic cop. Let me put it like this: if, as never happens, some fine cop were to catch me speeding and so breaking the rules, I would be punished; if, as never happens, he failed to spot me or I managed to shake him off after an exciting car chase, I would be relieved. But in neither case would I love him. And even if, like God, he chose to let me off the hook for my law-breaking, I still would not love him. I might feel grateful, and that gratitude might be deep, but that is not at all the same thing as love. And so it is with the divine policeman: if salvation simply means him letting me off and counting me as a law-abiding citizen, then gratitude (not love) is all I have. In other words, I can never really love the God who is essentially just The Ruler. And that, ironically, means I can never keep the greatest command: to love the Lord my God.
But then Reeves offers another way, the biblical way, to think about God—consider Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and the beauty of the Triune God. Reeves write again: “It is a lane that ends happily in a very different place, with a very different sort of God. How? Well, just the fact that Jesus is "the Son" really says it all. Being a Son means he has a Father. The God he reveals is, first and foremost, a Father. "I am the way and the truth and the life," he says. "No one comes to the Father except through me" (Jn 14:6). That is who God has revealed himself to be: not first and foremost Creator or Ruler, but Father.
APPLY: We cannot treat the ones we love as police would treat a lawbreaker. Our response must be different. Your anger at your spouse may be justified but it is not the end of the story no more than it is for God in how He treats us.
THEME: Anger at betrayal can is resolved by restorative confrontation.
SAY WHAT YOU HAVE SAID: This morning we learned that God understands betrayal because He has betrayed- and we have been His betrayers. But, he provides for our restoration.
TIE INTO OPENING SENTENCE: How does this apply to my opening story of the young lady whose husband created a debt she became liable for. Here was my advice to her.
APPLY TO SPECIFIC AUDIENCE:
1. In our world, we seem to have only one response to betrayal and it can be stated in three simple words, “Divorce the Jerk.” While we can understand, it cannot be our first response.
2. There are options short of divorce that are seldom considered and where restoration is the goal. Here are some possible steps:
a. Confront the person head on. Don’t avoid or ignore the issue just because it is painful.
b. Very clearing express you anger and your issues.
c. Be aware of false repentance. I have seen many offenders feel bad for what they did but they return back to bad behaviors when the heat is off.
d. Leave if threatened, or better yet, have the offender leave.
e. Leave the door open for reconciliation but write up the list of conditions before reconciling and agree on ways they will be enforced. Often a third party is needed but understand that when lawyers get involved they almost always recommend divorce.
f. If you must protect yourself then consider legal separation- it is not the same as divorce and protects you from potential abuse but makes reconciliation easier.
HAYMAKER: Tennessee Williams's tells the story of Jacob Brodsky, a shy Russian Jew who runs his father's bookshop. Jacob's dream seemed complete when he married his childhood sweetheart, Lila, a beautiful, exuberant French girl. The life of a bookshop proprietor suited him fine, but not his adventurous young bride. An agent for a vaudeville touring company heard Lila sing and talked her into touring Europe with their show.
In the process of explaining to Jacob that she had to seize this opportunity and leave, she also cleft a chasm-sized hole in his heart. But before she left, he gave her a key to the bookshop and said, "You had better keep this because you will want it someday. Your love is not so much less than mine that you can get away from it. You will come back sometime, and I will be waiting.'"
Lila went on the road, and Jacob went to the back of his bookshop. To deaden the pain, he turned to his books as someone else might turn to drugs or alcohol. Weeks turned into years. When fifteen of them had passed, the bell above the bookshop's front door signaled the arrival of a customer. It was Lila.
The bookshop's owner rose to greet her. But to her astonishment, her abandoned husband didn't recognize her and simply spoke like he would to any other customer. "Do you want a book?" Stunned and trying to maintain her composure, she raised a gloved hand to her throat and stammered, "No—that is—I wanted a book, but I've forgotten the name of it." Regaining some poise, she continued, "Let me tell you the story—perhaps you have read it and can give me the name of it."
She then told him of a boy and a girl who had been constant companions since childhood. As teenagers, they fell in love, eventually married, and lived over a bookshop. She told him their whole story—the vaudeville company's offer, the husband's brokenhearted gift of the key, the return of the wife who was never able to part with the key. How, after fifteen years, she finally came to her senses and returned home to him.
Then with a desperate plea she said, "You remember it—you must remember it—the story of Lila and Jacob?" With a vacant, faraway look, he merely said, "There is something familiar about the story. I think I have read it somewhere. It seems to me that it is something by Tolstoi." Only the heartbreaking, metallic echo of the key dropping to the hard floor interrupted her horrified silence. Lila, having let go of the key as well as her hope, fled the bookshop in tears.
And Jacob returned to his books.
This sad story shows us how disappointing or tragic life events crush our hopes and dreams. But, the gospel can restore our hope in Christ's ultimate victory and enable us to forgive in ways beyond our own abilities apart from Christ.
