Chico Alliance Church
“Loving Husbands”
Review
What does God want us to know through our study of this letter over the past several months?
First, Paul demonstrates an effective prayer life.
Paul exhibits Powerful prayer 1:3-12
Offers thanksgiving to the Father
Offers petitions to the Father
Second, Paul focused on God’s wonderful work on our behalf
Paul exalts God’s terrific transfer program 1:13-23
Rescued us from darkness
Transferred us in the Kingdom of Christ
Redeemed and forgave us our sin
Anointed a wonderful new king
Third, Paul demonstrates the core issues of a genuine ministry heart.
Paul explains his personal ministry 1:24-2:5
Heart of the Minister
Heart of the ministry
Christ indwells us
Christ unites us
Fourth, Paul focuses on the kind of walk every Christian should walk.
Paul encourages proper living based on proper thinking 2:6-4:6
Principle of our walk – as you received Christ, so walk in Him
Christ firmly rooted us in Him
Christ continually builds us up in Him
Christ constantly builds our faith in Him
Basis of our walk is the person and work of Christ
The Specifics of our walk 2:16-4:6
Paul addresses the foundational issues of the Christian life.
What is the main focus point of the Christian life?
Hold fast and focus on Christ not regulations and law!
What dictates my priorities and decisions?
Continually pursue the eternal!
What occupies my thinking?
Constantly contemplate the eternal!
How do I deal with the desires of the old flesh?
Decidedly put to death the old ways embedded in our members!
How do I relate to people? Body life
Consciously release the new desires of the Spirit!
How do I deal with turbulent times and troublesome people?
Let the peace of Christ umpire the heart!
What is my relationship to God’s word?
Let the Word of Christ richly dwell!
Teach and admonish one another with the truth of the Word!
What is my mission?
Let everything you do and say be done as representatives of Christ!
How am I to function in the family?
Wives be subject to husbands!
Husbands love their wives and don’t be embittered against them!
Children obey parents!
Fathers stop exasperating children!
How am I to function in the work place?
Employees work as if it Jesus was your boss!
Employers grant justice and fairness!
What is my responsibility regarding prayer?
Devote yourselves to prayer!
What is my responsibility to share Christ with the world?
Witness wisely and effectively!
Consider this a refresher course in Kingdom living. Every time we are challenged by the truth we have a responsibility to lay the pattern over our own life and look for any discrepancies. When we find areas not in line with the pattern left by Christ and taught in the Scriptures, we appeal to God. He alone can manifest His life in and through us. We must recognize our need and yield to His loving work in our life.
There are basically only three major passages addressed directly to husbands in the New Testament concerning their role and responsibility. There are many others regarding marriage and such but three basic passages directed to husbands in particular. I believe that the reason we do not have a great deal of detail concerning the role and responsibility of husbands is that these passages present the basic foundational building blocks for a great marriage. There are at least three basic principles regarding the role and responsibilities of the husband that from the framework for everything else. If we men practices just these three basic principles all the rest would fall into place.
Men, because of the fall and the resultant tendency toward selfishness, passivity and looking for the path of least resistance, we cannot rely on what comes naturally when it comes to marriage relationship. Our culture and the passive tendency of the flesh work against the voice of the Spirit who enables understanding and development in God designed role of husband. In the past several decades, the husband has taken an even more passive role in the marriage and family relationship.
God designed men as the initiator and women as responders. The original command concerning marriage was addressed to Adam. The man is to leave, cleave and develop oneness. Men complain about lack of response from their wives. Often that lack of response is because there has been nothing to respond to.
One writer makes a challenging observation.
“Any persistent disharmony or struggle in the marriage relationship after five years of marriage is usually attributable to the husband’s lack of genuine love.”
I realize that other factors enter into the equation, but if God designed women to respond then the focus of husband is to offer something for their wives to respond to. These are not my principles. These are commands that come from the designer and developer of marriage. We are accountable to God concerning these three things. They are not just good ideas or divine suggestions. These are divine non-negotiable instructions. We are responsible to hear and heed the word in regard to our role and responsibilities as husbands
The husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. Ephes. 5:23
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS CAUSE A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND SHALL CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE; AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband. Ephes. 5:25-33
Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them. Col. 3:19
You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7
The Role of the Husband – Loving leader
The role of the husband is clearly defined in Ephesians 5:23.
The husband is appointed by God as the head in the same way Christ functions as the head of the church. Christ is the ultimate model of what it means to lead. Too many husbands take their leadership cues from the Gentile model of leadership that Jesus himself discarded.
And calling them to Himself, Jesus said to them, "You know that those who are recognized as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them; and their great men exercise authority over them. "But it is not so among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all. "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." Mark 10:42-45
Leadership is servanthood.
A Biblical leader’s primary focus must be the needs of those they lead. There is much to lean about effective Biblical leadership of the family but I want to focus our time today on the Biblically commanded response of husbands to wives. In his role as loving leader, how is the husbands to respond to his wife?
I. Love Sacrificially
Notice what God does not command.
He does not command husbands to make their wives submit.
He does not command husbands to demand leadership.
He commands husbands to actively love their wives.
Due to a hazy understanding of genuine love we could possibly pat ourselves on the back and sit back and feel smug about how much we love our wives. After all, we provide shelter, clothes, food and stuff. More important than how we feel about our level of love for our wives is, “Do our wives feel loved?” If they don’t feel loved, there is a good probability that we are not really loving them. God knows men and thus provides two undeniable standards by which we are to measure our love for our wife.
A. Love your wife as Christ loved the Church
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”
Many of us are unwilling to sacrifice Sunday afternoon nap or sports event let alone our very lives.
Love
Love is a character based drive implanted and developed by God Himself to pursue and engage in meaningful relationships expressed by unconditional acceptance and observable selfless service.
This sacrificial, unconditional love is based on the character of the one loving not on the worth or loveliness of the one being loved. It was the love God demonstrated toward us in that He gave His best to touch the worst in that while we were yet enemies Christ died on our behalf. It is a heart commitment to take on the challenge of focusing the total of all our available resources to meeting the needs of the one being loved. In our culture, our available resources are focused on meeting our own needs first and offering whatever may be left over to the family.
You say, “I can’t love like that!” What God instructs, God enables. Men have a greater capacity to love than is thought. The Holy Spirit disperses this love in the heart. God Himself teaches how to love. Just how does Jesus love the church?
1. Selfless Attitude
Philip. 2:5-8 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. 8And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
2. Specific Action
Love is active! The very nature of love demands action. It is a continuous action verb.
a. Sanctify – set aside as special
In the Ephesians passage, Jesus loves the church by working to make it special.
Sanctification means to set aside as special, to make pure and holy. Christ gives His full attention to the spiritual development of the church. Christ focuses His attention to bringing the church to her fullest potential that He might present her as a prized bride for all the world to see. Husbands, are you complaining about the level of spirituality of your wife. You bear a large responsibility to see that she develop in relationship with the Lord. “SO ALSO” (Just like Jesus loves the church in order to sanctify her)
You have a responsibility for the spiritual development of your wife. You may not like that, but that is what the Bible instructs husbands to do! Our culture delegates “spiritual” development and sensitivity to the women. God’s word requires that we go against culture and flow with the divine design. Husbands demonstrate their love for their wives by seeing to their spiritual development and sense of feeling special.
b. Proudly Present
The idea here is to proudly turn loose the final product for all the world to see. A holy and blameless bride functioning as God designed. Men, are you committed to doing everything necessary that your wife may become all that God intended her to be. She is a precious plant to be cultivated and bloom and bear fruit. Have we given the freedom and opportunity for that to happen. The key ingredient found in the Ephesians passage has to do with the power of the Word. “washing of water with the Word.”
Christ is our model for what it means to really love. We need to give attention to how Christ treated and treats the church and do likewise. Jesus offered the ultimate demonstration of what it means to love by giving His very life for us. Yet Jesus also demonstrated His love in everything He did.
• He did not come to be served but to serve and give His life a ransom for many.
• He was not self-centered.
• He was Father-Centered and others-centered even if it meant He had to lose sleep.
• His relationship was intensely personal.
• He spent significant time with the disciples.
• He lived with them.
• He cared for them.
• He experienced hardship with them.
• He saw to it that they were not without leadership and care.
• His loved demonstrated itself through intense compassion.
• It was not just a decision of the will to serve, it effected Him deeply.
• He felt deeply for these people.
• He continually prayed for and with them.
• He continually spoke words of encouragement.
• He stood ready to forgive even those who did not seek it or deserve it.
• He never operated from deceit.
• He refused to revile when reviled
• He did not utter threats when threatened even though he certainly had the power
• He continually entrusted Himself to the Father and committed to do things His way.
• He focused on the needs of others especially their need for healing.
• He humbled himself and washed the disciples feet.
• He prays continually
The first measure of our love for our wife is the way Christ loves the church.
The other measure of genuine love presented is the love we have for ourselves.
B. Love your wife as your own self or our own bodies
1. Nurture
This is a word that is fairly straight forward. It means to feed, nourish, give what is necessary to sustain life. Loving our wife includes providing what she needs for nourishment on all levels. Christ provided food, rest, spiritual nourishment, healing, protection etc.
2. Cherish
This word means to “soften or warm with body heat”. It is a mother bird on her nest.
It is a closeness out of tender care. “Tender Warrior” “Velvet and Steel”. It is the same concern you have when you are hurt or sick. Whatever care you afford to yourself is the standard to apply to your wife. Not tolerate but cherish Our passage in Colossians adds a warning.
“Husbands love your wives and do not become embittered against her.”
Embittered is to cut, to prick, sharp, keen, pungent to taste or smell. Perhaps you have backed off because of something your wife did nor didn’t do. You are waiting for her to come to you and make it right. You will respond when she responds. God holds you responsible to love unconditionally. You are to love as Christ loved by making your wife special and providing all she needs. You are to love as you love your self by nourishing and cherishing.
II. Live wisely
God provides another principle of response through Peter. Here we are given the what, how, why.
A. Live together (What)
The term used here is “to live, dwell, take up residence. It is the same term used regarding the relationship of the Christian and the Holy Spirit. It is the same term used of the Word of God dwelling richly. This suggest communion, fellowship, companionship. The verb tense is present indicating a continual admonition. Continually live together. Doesn’t mean existing together for the sake of the children. Many who would never think about legal divorce have already filed and received emotional divorce. This doesn’t qualify for living together by God’s standard. God’s instruction here is to dwell in unity and companionship. Some have settled for geographical togetherness rather than personal, intimate companionship. Two chickens tied together and slung over a close line is togetherness. It is not union. A wife’s basic need is for intimacy. Not only on the physical level but emotional and intellectual. They need time, talking, listening, caring, communicating, just being together and enjoying one another’s company.
B. According to Knowledge (How)
God also gives the “how” concerning living with our wife. We are to live according to knowledge or understanding. To understand indicates we have taken time to think about and learn how and why things are the way they are.
Dwelling with understanding means that we:
Understand our responsibility before God to love
Understand our resources in God
Understand the uniqueness and unique needs of our wife.
What do you think is important to your wife? There are some fundamental differences between men and women. God didn’t say change your wife. He said live with her according to knowledge. We must become students of our wife.
C. She is a weaker vessel (Why)
This has no connection to worth. The woman by design has certain limitations that require special care and consideration. Women need protection, tenderness, gentleness, sensitivity, understanding, consideration. Men, to verbally, emotionally, physically overpower your wife puts you in direct violation of God’s instruction. One of the direct consequences of failing to live with your wife with understanding is a blocked prayer life. The word for hindered is a military term meaning “to cut in on, throw obstacles in the way, cut up the road, hinder normal movement”.
III. Laud continually
“Grant her honor” Consider her a worthy vessel. She is equal heir of Christ.
We men don’t have the corner on worthiness or honor in the kingdom of God. We are all fellow heirs with Christ. To grant honor or to honor is to place a high price upon. To demonstrate by our words and actions that she is valuable. Public praise of your wife is part of honoring her. Whatever you do, do not make your wife the basis of jokes. Marriage jokes are unhealthy. Wife jokes violate the injunction to honor your wife. It wounds and eventually destroys her spirit. You lose because she closes her spirit to you and you dry up yourself. You lose the opportunity to know fulfillment in the very area God designed you to experience what it means to really be alive. Most women feel that everyone else and everything else comes first before them. They need to feel valued. That means her opinion is important. You are a team. To overlook the value of your wife in decision making is not only foolish, it is wrong. She has unique capabilities to see things you never even dreamed were important or necessary. Failing to grant honor or understanding to your wife will also throw obstacles in front of your prayers.
CONCLUSION
Men, we have three specific responsibilities toward our wife.
1 -- Love sacrificially
This includes denial of our own selves and our personal comfort for the sake of our wife.
This includes spending time making sure she has all she needs to grow and develop in Christ.
This includes providing all she needs to develop as a person.
This includes care and warmth.
2 -- Live wisely
This includes understanding her special needs as a woman.
This includes understanding what makes her hurt.
This includes living as a cherished partner.
3 -- Laud continually
This involves including her in your life and work.
This involves praising her before others. Children, church, co-workers.
Specific Application
Talk to Your wife
Do you feel like I love you as Christ loved the Church? Scale 1-10
Do you feel like I love you as I love myself? Scale 1-10
Do you feel nourished? Scale 1-10
Do you feel cherished? Scale 1-10
How would you rate our intimacy level? 1-10
How would you rate my level of understanding of your needs? 1-10
Do you feel honored as a fellow heir? 1-10
Do you feel praised and appreciated by me? 1-10
What specific things could I do to improve in any of these areas?
It might be advantageous to probe further any response below a 5 on the scale.
NOTE
It is impossible to love, live and laud in the way God designed in our own strength.
We cannot love others if we have a self-centered focus.
God puts within us the capacity deeply love.
Open up to his work in your life.
