OPENING
SENTENCE: Sometimes when you hear someone like myself preach on an issue you wonder if we can really understand what you are dealing with in your own life.
INTRODUCTION: Let’s face it, sometimes life can be hard and the admonition to trust Jesus, or let God take control, etc. can come across as simplistic and superficial platitudes that have no bearing in real life. They may come across as the naïve ponderings of a person who doesn’t really grasp your reality.
I can understand the sentiment because unless you have been through a severe trial it is hard to appreciate how it impacts the core of your being. It changes and shapes you in ways nothing else can. But, unless you have been through severe trials you cannot fully grasp the importance of having something that gives you an anchor to keep you grounded in those situations.
At a personal level I have experienced such times over the course of my life- so I understand it when you go through it. Early in my life, it was the death of my father. Later it was my mother marrying a paranoid schizophrenic whose extreme mood swings, narcissism, and delusions created constant tension- never knowing what state of mind he would be in at any given time.
In my adult life, I had the normal stresses of life until we moved to the Central Coast of California. Within a month of starting the pastorate there, the central gatekeeper of the church put me on notice that he was in charge- he basically stated it in those terms. I knew that if I let him have control then my ministry there was done from the start. After, winning an unwelcome battle with him his son then assumed his role. Within three years I resigned realizing there was nothing more I could do. About the same time that I resigned the economy crashed in the States. We saw a business we invested heavily in go under, our retirement accounts dropped to less than half and we had to withdraw from them at a low point just to get by. The house that we had $300,000 of our own money invested in dropped $300,000 in less than a year causing us to lose it all. In all, we lost around $500,000 dollars that we had carefully saved and invested. Needless to say, it was a very stressful time.
I know what it is like when your world crumbles around you. I also know what it is like to realize that when we cannot control what is happening then we must trust God even more. But, just as difficult is when we live our lives in fear of these worst case scenarios. In other words, even when things seem to be going well we still live in the constant fear that danger is looming just around the corner. We call it anxiety- fear in the absence of real danger- the belief that if what I am imagining actually happened it would be unbearably awful. And because of this undefined fear, we miss out on the peace and contentment we should otherwise enjoy.
TRANSITION
SENTENCE: In marriages, as in life, we will have times when everything seems to be crumbling around us.
TRANSITION: In a typical marriage there will be at least one time in the relationship where one or both parties will be severely tested. Those events shape your relationship in ways nothing else can.
SAY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY: This morning I want us to consider what we can do to help us get through such times. I want us to ask, “How can you endure the hardships that negatively impact your marriage?” We will learn that God is with you in even your worst marital situation and giving Him control provides the peace that passes understanding enabling you to endure all things.
TEXT: Philippians 4:4-13, Matthew 6:25-34
THEME: We overcome the deepest fears that negatively impact our marriages by learning to be content in Christ alone.
How can you endure the hardships that negatively impact your marriage?
I. God is with you in even your worst marital situation. (4-5)
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. “
We cannot fully appreciate what this passage is telling us until we understand the setting of these words. Paul is not speaking out of ignorance or naivety. He is writing this from a Philippian prison put there unjustly for preaching the gospel of Jesus by the Jews, who were persecuting him. Already he had suffered beatings and humiliation at their hands and this was one of many of his imprisonments. We can read about the setting for this passage in Acts 16:22-31, “The crowd joined in the attack against Paul and Silas, and the magistrates ordered them to be stripped and beaten with rods. 23 After they had been severely flogged, they were thrown into prison, and the jailer was commanded to guard them carefully. 24 When he received these orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks. 25 About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. 26 Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone’s chains came loose. 27 The jailer woke up, and when he saw the prison doors open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself because he thought the prisoners had escaped. 28 But Paul shouted, “Don’t harm yourself! We are all here!” 29 The jailer called for lights, rushed in and fell trembling before Paul and Silas. 30 He then brought them out and asked, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” 31 They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved—you and your household.”
Notice, in our Philippians passage we learn that Paul is practicing what he is preaching. He is praising God and singing hymns even as he is in prison. You can only imagine what Silas, the jailer, thought. That, along with his life being saved after the earthquake, attracted him to the gospel and wanted what they had caused him to ask, “What must I do to be saved?” If God was with Paul even in a detestable Roman prison is He not also with you in your marriage when things are not going well. Just like Paul, we can rejoice in even the worst of circumstances.
ILLUSTRATE: One of the greatest anxiety producing fears that people face is loneliness. The fear that the ones they love the most will abandon them cripples many couples and creates tremendous insecurity. Inside and outside of marriage the thought of being alone motivates people to compromise their most basic values in the hopes that others will love and accept them. The fear of being alone drives much of what they do and think and yet the irony is that because of that fear it drives people away- they come across as too needy or manipulative.
They even have a name for it- the “Princess Syndrome” which affects millions of worldwide. These are females that try too much to be like others (read: insecure) and tend toward extreme jealousy. They seem to feel the need to stir up drama to make their lives more exciting. They want the best things in life but can seldom afford them and spend beyond their means. Their whole identity is measured by what people think of them in the hopes they will be loved and admired. Instead, they are perceived as needy and demanding.
APPLY: Another irony is this- people who are most secure when they have Christ as the center of their lives. This is Paul’s point. He understood that the Lord was always near and that is all that really mattered. This is one of the great assurances of the Christian faith.
Dallas Willard tells the story of a little boy whose mom had died. He was especially sad and lonely at night. He would come into his father's room and ask if he could sleep with him. Even then, he could not rest until he knew not only that he was with his father, but that his father's face was turned toward him. "Father, is your face turned toward me now?" "Yes," his father would say. "You are not alone. I'm with you. My face is turned toward you." When at last the boy was assured of this, he could rest. Dallas Willard concludes, "How lonely life is! Oh, we can get by in life with a God who does not speak. Many at least think they do so. But it is not much of a life, and it is certainly not the life God intends for us or the abundance of life Jesus came to make available."
THEME: We overcome the deepest fears that negatively impact our marriages by learning to be content in Christ alone.
How can you endure the hardships that negatively impact your marriage?
II. Giving God control provides peace that passes understanding (6-7)
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
This could be translated, “Stop worrying about anything.” It brings to mind what Jesus said in Matthew 6:25-34, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
Clearly, Jesus and Paul both understand our propensity toward worry and anxiety. Anxiety is caused when we imagine different scenarios in our mind and each one of the has an awful ending. It is as if the thing I imagine will be awful, horrible, terrible. We can live constantly with this undefined fear that something awful is just around the corner overestimating the probability of danger and exaggerates it a degree of terribleness.
ILLUSTRATE: One of the things I often do in counseling is to ask a person, “If the awful thing you are imagining really happened what would it mean?” An example may look something like this,
Person: “My boyfriend didn’t call me this weekend as he promised,
Me: Why does that upset you?
Person: That means he’s neglecting me. He doesn’t really love me.
Me: Suppose that were true. What would that mean?
Person: That would mean there’s something wrong with me. Otherwise, he would be more attentive.
Me: Suppose that were true. What would that mean?
Person: That would mean I was unlovable and I would always be rejected.
Me: Why does that upset you?
Person: It would mean I would end up alone and miserable.
Do you see what she has done? She anxious because of the fear of being alone and miserable and she obsesses over a simple missed phone call. The reality is that he probably got distracted and did not see the importance of it which has nothing to do with his interest in her. But that is how anxiety works.
APPLY: Paul gives us the alternative- Prayer and Thanksgiving. Prayer in asking God to provide you what you really need (not necessarily what you want or think you need). Thanksgiving is thanking God for who He is and what He has- and will, do. We can learn to stop destructive, unproductive worry by learning to discipline our minds and hearts to obsess over praiseworthy things.
THEME: We overcome the deepest fears that negatively impact our marriages by learning to be content in Christ alone.
How can you endure the hardships that negatively impact your marriage?
III. Jesus will enable you to endure all things (8-13)
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last, you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it.11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
A. Focus your thoughts on praiseworthy things. In this verse, we find the alternative to anxiety. If anxiety is an obsession in our thoughts of an imagined danger, then the answer is to change how we think. The implication of this passage is that we can control how we think- especially if we have the Holy Spirit residing within us. Instead of focusing on how bad things could get, if the awful thing we imagine happened, we need to focus things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely and admirable. Think on things that are praiseworthy. That is what prayer enables you to do and that is why it is so important to your life. If our emotions are created by our thoughts and beliefs then if we change our thoughts to the things Paul lists then our emotions, including anxiety, are more productive. While normal stress can be productive and healthy nothing good ever comes out of anxiety.
B. We need very little to experience peace. Rich people are seldom happier people. Always getting what we want is not the path to contentment. Sometimes it is in the sacrifice or the absence of what we want that we begin to realize what is really important. People who suffer and are deprived of something they value can learn that they can still be fully content when it is not there.
I am always pleased when I travel to third world countries to see how even in their poverty many have learned contentment. I saw it years ago when I traveled to Belarus and saw the joy that the faculty and students of the Bible college I taught at. The average wage per person was 30 dollars a month- yet so many upbeat and excited about their faith. I also saw it in Mexico at both orphanages. Those poor by our standards are often rich in faith.
C. Contentment is not based on circumstances. This is a key point. Paul learned to be content no matter what his circumstances or what he possessed. Money, food and even health did not determine the nature of his contentment. He learned to be content no matter what the circumstances because of his relationship and standing with Jesus.
Paul was a man who was in prison, had beaten and left for death, and suffered health issues even as he writes these words. But, he learned to be content and to rejoice. His thoughts, beliefs, and attitude determined the nature of his joy. This reality has been confirmed over and over again even by people outside of our faith.
ILLUSTRATE: For instance, two psychologists, Dr. Robert A. Emmons of the University of California, Davis, and Dr. Michael E. McCullough of the University of Miami, have done much research on gratitude. In one study, they asked all participants to write a few sentences each week, focusing on particular topics.
One group wrote about things they were grateful for that had occurred during the week. A second group wrote about daily irritations or things that had displeased them, and the third wrote about events that had affected them (with no emphasis on them being positive or negative). After 10 weeks, those who wrote about gratitude were more optimistic and felt better about their lives. Surprisingly, they also exercised more and had fewer visits to physicians than those who focused on sources of aggravation.
Another leading researcher in this field, Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, tested the impact of various positive psychology interventions on 411 people, each compared with a control assignment of writing about early memories. When their week's assignment was to write and personally deliver a letter of gratitude to someone who had never been properly thanked for his or her kindness, participants immediately exhibited a huge increase in happiness scores. This impact was greater than that from any other intervention, with benefits lasting for a month.
Of course, studies such as this one cannot prove cause and effect. But most of the studies published on this topic support an association between gratitude and an individual's well-being. And, how much more is this true than for the believer who has the hope that God will be with us now and for eternity?
APPLY: This also applies to marriage where other studies have looked at how gratitude can improve relationships. For example, a study of couples found that individuals who took the time to express gratitude for their partner not only felt more positive toward the other person but also felt more comfortable expressing concerns about their relationship.
THEME: We overcome the deepest fears that negatively impact our marriages by learning to be content in Christ alone.
SAY WHAT YOU HAVE SAID: This morning we asked, “How can you endure the hardship that negatively impacts your marriage?” We learned that God is with you in even your worst marital situation and giving Him control provides the peace that passes understanding enabling you to endure all things.
TIE INTO OPENING SENTENCE: Sometimes when you hear someone like myself preach on an issue you wonder if we can really understand what you are dealing with in your own life- our principles often seem idealistic with little bearing on reality. But, like Paul, who wrote powerful words of encouragement from prison, we can learn the true source of contentment in life and in our marriages from a man who saw the worst.
APPLY TO SPECIFIC AUDIENCE:
1. Your marriage will have times when things are hard- guaranteed. Work through those times- usually, they pass and your marriage is renewed. If we cut it short, we may miss out on something better.
2. Watch that you don’t let those hard times create anxiety for when things are not going well. Sometimes we can demonize a person beyond their real selfishness because we are seeing through the lens of the worst case scenario. There are some things about your spouse that you do not like that you must learn to live with.
3. Understand that your spouse cannot replace God. The more we can be content in our relationship with Jesus the less dependent we are on our spouse for our sense of well-being.
HAYMAKER: A customs officer observes a truck pulling up at the border. Suspicious, he orders the driver out and searches the vehicle. He pulls off the panels, bumpers, and wheel cases but finds not a single scrap of contraband, whereupon, still suspicious but at a loss to know where else to search, he waves the driver through. The next week, the same driver arrives. Again the official searches, and again finds nothing illicit. Over the years, the official tries full-body searches, X-rays, and sonar, anything he can think of, and each week the same man drives up, but no mysterious cargo ever appears, and each time, reluctantly, the customs man waves the driver on.
Finally, after many years, the officer is about to retire. The driver pulls up. "I know you're a smuggler," the customs officer says. "Don't bother denying it. But [darned] if I can figure out what you've been smuggling all these years. I'm leaving now. I swear to you I can do you no harm. Won't you please tell me what you've been smuggling?"
"Trucks," the driver says.
In regard to the importance of marriage at times, it's easy to miss the most important obvious thing: that only God can provide the peace and contentment that helps you through hard times. Remember, you spouse is going through those times as well.
