OPENING
SENTENCE: There is a popular commercial series from that has a character named “Captain Obvious.”
INTRODUCTION: One of the common themes of the commercials is that the internet pictures and information on the hotel you booked does not always match up to what you really get.
I can relate quite well to that. I can remember Vaunda and I making a trip to California last year and stayed at a motel in Great Falls, Montana. Looking at the information on the website lead us to believe it was a decent, moderately priced motel. But when we got there we discovered it was a dive. It had a bad smell, was dated and worn, and seemed to be a haven for drug addicts. We had booked the same motel for our return but we changed it when we saw what it was.
There are many areas of life like that- where what we expect and the reality of what we get do not match up. You have probably faced this when you order something online, or when pay big bucks for a product that is defective, or you have work done on a house or car and the result is sub-par.
TRANSITION SENTENCE: The same can be true of marriage.
TRANSITION: We start off in the marriage with high ideals and dreams and we begin to discover that the person we have married has weaknesses and hang-ups we did not bargain for. Sometimes you may even have seen the red flags but thought that by love and encouragement the person would change, or least, you could overlook them. You thought you married a Prince only to discover he is a frog.
Alicia Michelle says it this way, “We develop these unrealistic expectations of how our marriage should be (and especially how our husbands “should” treat us). And on days when real married life is less than ideal, we imagine how our fantasy spouse–let’s call him “Prince Charming”–would act in that moment. Prince Charming gives the “perfect” answer for your feelings, right? He says things like: “Oh, honey, you’re so right. Let me draw you a bath and give you a neck message as you tell me all about it.” Prince Charming knows exactly what we need, and is more than happy to give it to us gift-wrapped with a lovely red bow. He is completely selfless and at our beck and call.”
Prince Charming has tricked many a woman about how their husbands should treat them. He is an idealized man who can slowly and inadvertently destroy the beautiful walls of your marriage. Similarly, men also have their unrealistic perspectives of how their wives should be. We could write a Formula: Unhappiness= Expectations compared to Reality. The greater the gulf between the fantasy and the reality the greater frustration and unhappiness you will find in marriage.
SAY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY: God understands the issue of unmet expectations. This morning I want us to look at how to overcome our ideals and often unrealistic views of our spouses that can damage a relationship by looking at how God choose to deal with us. We will ask, “What can the doctrine of grace teach us about dealing with the expectations we have in marriage?
TEXT: Romans 7:1-25
THEME: We find greater peace in our marriages when our expectations are tempered by grace.
What can the doctrine of grace teach us about dealing with the expectations we have in marriage?
I. The law is like a marriage that does not consider our weakness. (1-20 )
“Do you not know, brothers and sisters—for I am speaking to those who know the law—that the law has authority over someone only as long as that person lives? 2 For example, by law, a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law that binds her to him. 3 So then, if she has sexual relations with another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress if she marries another man. 4 So, my brothers and sisters, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit for God… 7 What shall we say, then? Is the law sinful? Certainly not! Nevertheless, I would not have known what sin was had it not been for the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, “You shall not covet.” 8 .... 4 We know that the law is spiritual, but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.”
A. Like a marriage, the law has many demands and expectations.
Ray Ortlund describes it, “We were once married to Mr. Law. He was a good man, in his way, but he did not understand our weakness. He came home every evening and asked, "So, how was your day? Did you do what I told you to? Did you make the kids behave? Did you waste any time? Did you complete everything I put on your To Do list?" So many demands and expectations. And hard as we tried, we couldn't be perfect. We could never satisfy him… And the worst of it was, he was always right! But his remedy was always the same: Do better tomorrow. We didn't because we couldn't.”
B. It demands change but cannot produce the change it demands.
That is also the problem with so many of our expectations in marriage. They may very well be good but they are often unrealistic and cannot produce what it requires. The fact is, we are flawed, imperfect beings who cannot even live up to their own standards, much less yours or Gods. Change in a person cannot be coerced, manipulated or dictated. Change is hard in even the best of circumstances but these often unrealistic expectations do not make it easier. Ought does not mean can. If that were true that “ought” means “can” we would have few alcoholics or drug addicts.
Another issue is that unlike the OT law many of these expectations are unwritten. They are like contracts that only one party has signed and, like the law, the penalties can be strict. Internalized anger, frustration and disappointment will always bleed out in your relationship. At the very least, you need to state what the expectation is so they know what criteria they are being judged by. None of us can read minds. If you cannot verbalize or clarify it then the problem is yours to deal with.
C. The law reveals our failings leading to condemnation and hopelessness
The person who fails to meet your expectations often feels defeated and abandons hope that they can ever meet the expectation- so they give up and become emotionally distant. The constant demand that it be met only becomes the deepens the problem- even if the expectation is fair and realistic and you believe change is possible. In our iWorld the impact of these unwritten expectations has increased because we no longer have culturally defined roles for each partner in the relationship and each partner is primarily concerned for their own fulfillment and satisfaction.
Problem: We won’t fulfill its demands because we can’t- the standard is too high. That was the problem with the law and that is the problem with many of our expectations- they are unrealistic, demanding and require great effort to change.
ILLUSTRATE: In a popular TED talk titled "The secret to desire in a long-term relationship," psychotherapist Esther Perel, who has counseled hundreds of couples who are having trouble in their marriages, notes how we tend to expect too much from our husband or wife. Dr. Perel says, “Marriage [used to be primarily] an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition, I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long. So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide: Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise.”
APPLY: Obviously, this applies to marriage, but substitute God for the words "an entire village" and this quote also fits for an illustration about idolatry. So what can we do? The Serenity Prayer provides us some insight. The best-known form is: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
THEME: We find greater peace in our marriages when our expectations are tempered by grace.
What can the doctrine of grace teach us about dealing with the expectations we have in marriage?
II. Grace is like a marriage that loves in spite of our weaknesses. (21-8:4)
“So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,[b] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.”
A. Grace wants the best for us and produces it from the inside.
God now relates to his children on the basis of grace- not law. To continue with what Ray Ortlund stated earlier, “Mr. Law died. And we remarried, this time to Mr. Grace. Our new husband, Jesus, comes home every evening and the house is a mess, the children are being naughty, dinner is burning on the stove, and we have even had other men in the house during the day. Still, he sweeps us into his arms and says, "I love you, I chose you, I died for you, I will never leave you nor forsake you." And our hearts melt. We don't understand such love. We expect him to despise us and reject us and humiliate us, but he treats us so well. We are so glad to belong to him now and forever, and we long to be "fully pleasing to him" (Col. 1:10)! Being married to Mr. Law never changed us. But being married to Mr. Grace is changing us deep within, and it shows.
Let us be clear. Grace is not the absence of expectations or ruling principles. God’s Holiness is still in effect. But, it is how we are treated even when they are not met. He treats us as does Jesus. It changes the motive for why we try to meet His standards. It is no longer out of fear of reprisal but as one who wants to please the one who already loves us deeply and accepts us through Jesus.
B. Grace treats us far better than we deserve.
More often than not we merit the judgment that we are receiving. Sometimes we do stupid things of deserving of condemnation and we often wonder, “What was I thinking?” There is a story about Alice Pike who got arrested for trying to pay for her Wal-Mart purchases with a $1 million bill. When hearing that two questions come to mind. First, "Is there really a $1 million bill?" and, "What was she thinking?" The answer to the first question is no. The U.S. Treasury doesn't make a bank note with that many zeros. As far as the second question what Alice was thinking, I don't believe she was. Alice went to the register with $1,675 worth of stuff. What is amazing is that she expected change. Was Alice really expecting that the cashier not only would, but actually could, hand over $998,325.00?
Alice helps remind us of the irrationality of sin. Most sin doesn't make sense. We lie and expect good results. We overindulge in food or alcohol or entertainment and expect to feel better. We take what isn't ours and expect satisfaction. We refuse to resist temptation and expect peace. We act selfishly and expect stronger relationships. We ignore repentance and expect forgiveness.
C. Grace gives us hope and frees us to do our best.
The marriage “contract” is like the contract we have between Christ and the church. God deals with us on the basis of grace. This “contract” is relational. It is driven by seeking the best for the person loved.
D. The remedy is: Die to self and take on a new life in Christ.
John Shea puts it this way, “Whenever people expend themselves, they want results. If they lay down life, they want someone's life raised up. If they empty themselves, they want someone to be filled. They want their sufferings to bear fruit. If this doesn't happen, they're tempted to give up. The refusal of the gift quickly becomes a reason not to offer it. Instead of leaning into resistance with love, they'll back off and say, "Well, we tried." However, the motive for offering love is not that it be successful. Christians want a response, but they are not bound to it. They sacrifice for others because they are the recipients of sacrifice. They are the current generation of a long line of broken bodies and shed blood. This gift Christians have received, they freely give. They join the living history in enacting the dream of God, [which] is a people sustained and transformed by mutual sacrificial love.
Problem: Until we abandon our pride we will never be free.
ILLUSTRATE: Historian Daniel Boorstin suggests that Americans suffer from all-too-extravagant expectations. In his much-quoted book, The Image, Boorstin makes this observation of Americans:
“We expect anything and everything. We expect the contradictory and the impossible. We expect compact cars which are spacious; luxurious cars which are economical. We expect to be rich and charitable, powerful and merciful, active and reflective, kind and competitive …. We expect to eat and stay thin, to be constantly on the move and ever more neighborly, to go to a "church of our choice" and yet feel its guiding power over us, to revere God and to be God. Never have people been more the masters of their environment. Yet never has a people felt more deceived and disappointed. For never has a people expected so much more than the world could offer.”
APPLY: The only way out of this trap is to stop expecting too much from your spouse. Marriage must first be about sacrificial of the nature that Christ shared with us. Love relate to each other on the basis of grace- not law.
THEME: We find greater peace in our marriages when our expectations are tempered by grace.
What can the doctrine of grace teach us about dealing with the expectations we have in marriage?
III. We need to deal with our marital expectations the way God deals with us.
Phillip Yancey cites an example of this in relation to sex. He says, “Marriage strips away the illusions about sex pounded into us daily by the entertainment media. Few of us live with oversexed supermodels. We live instead with ordinary people, men and women who get bad breath, body odors, and unruly hair; who menstruate and experience occasional impotence; who have bad moods and embarrass us in public; who pay more attention to our children's needs than our own. We live with people who require compassion, tolerance, understanding, and an endless supply of forgiveness. So do our partners. Such is the ironical power of sex: It lures us into a relationship that offers to teach us what we need far more—sacrificial love.”
ILLUSTRATE: Scott Larsen tells this story, “I remember being approached by a 16-year-old boy named Ricky after I wrapped up my first speaking session at a weekend retreat for high schoolers. "I just hope you're not heading down a path where at the end of the weekend you're going to ask us to make some kind of commitment to follow God with our whole lives," he said. "'Cause if you are, I want to go home right now."
Without pausing for breath, Ricky continued: "I've been coming here for a long time, and I've made these promises year after year promises I can never keep and ended up worse off than before I started, with God even more mad at me. 'Cause now, not only am I sinning, but I'm breaking another promise I made to him. And so I just want to make sure that's not where you're headed this weekend. Is it?"
Feeling sad for Ricky and not knowing exactly how to respond to him, I took a shot in the dark and asked: "What can you tell me about your dad, Ricky?"
He proceeded to tell me a story from when he was in fifth grade. "Every day when my dad came home from work, the first thing he would always ask me was, 'Have you done your homework yet?' It was a pretty safe bet that I hadn't. Then one day I decided to surprise him. When he got home, I met him at the door saying, 'Guess what, Dad. I did all my homework!' His response was, 'Then why aren't you working on tomorrow's?'"
Suddenly it wasn't so surprising that Ricky felt the way he did about himself and about God. He had learned that no matter how close he came; the mark of approval would always move a few notches higher. He would always come up short.
APPLY: We forget that we all come up short of God’s holy standard and must relate to Him on the basis of His grace. If we need it in our relationship with God then we also need it in our marriages.
THEME: We find greater peace in our marriages when our expectations are tempered by grace.
SAY WHAT YOU HAVE SAID: This morning we asked, “What can the doctrine of grace teach us about dealing with the expectations we have in marriage? We learned that the law is like a marriage that does not consider our weaknesses. We need to relate to each other as God does with us. He deals with us on the basis of grace which treats us far better than we deserve.
TIE INTO OPENING SENTENCE: We have been disappointed when what we felt was promised is not delivered. Remember, your husband cannot compete with Prince Charming who is the idealized version of a man the wife has created in her mind who always knows how to treat her.
APPLY TO SPECIFIC AUDIENCE: Here are some steps for refining our expectations.
1. Write down the expectations and narrow them down to the ones that matter most to you.
2. Discuss them with your spouse to see if they agree, if it is realistic, or they are willing to act on it.
3. Make your case if needed. Eliminate the ones that are your personal hang-ups or unrealistic.
4. Agree on a plan for change that is realistic and the accountability- Write up the contract.
5. You must start by loving the person where they are now- not where you expect them to be.
6. If they don’t agree you must decide if you will remain angry, and hold it against him or her, or will let it go. But, remember- anger is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
HAYMAKER: In his book Fill These Hearts, Christopher West describes a surprising and simple discovery that changed his marriage: Years ago [my wife] and I were out to dinner and she observed that something was different about our marriage in recent years, something good. She asked me if I had any insight into what it was. After reflecting a bit I said with a smile, "Yeah, I think I know what it is. I think I've been realizing deep in my heart that you can't satisfy me." She got a big smile on her face and said, "Yeah, that's it. And I've been realizing the same thing: you can't satisfy me either." I imagine anyone overhearing us in the restaurant would have thought we were about to get divorced, but to us, that realization was cause for joy and celebration. We had never felt closer and freer in our love.
I love my wife more than words can express, and I know she loves me. But I can't possibly be her ultimate satisfaction, and she can't be mine.
And that's why our conversation at the restaurant was cause for rejoicing. Only to the degree that we stop expecting others to be "god" for us, are we free to love others as they really are, warts and all, without demanding perfection of them, whether a spouse, a friend, a son or daughter or any other relationship? And only to the degree that we are free from idolizing … human beings are we also free to take our ache for perfect fulfillment to the One who alone can satisfy it.
THEME: We find greater peace in our marriages when our expectations are tempered by grace.
