OPENING
SENTENCE: Over the years I have officiated or observed the marriage of quite a few people and with it have seen a significant change in the nature of the couple's wedding vows.
INTRODUCTION: In years past the focus of the vow was on the promise to love, honor and cherish until death do us part. The vow was on the permanency of the relationship for better or worse. That pledge before God was considered the highest form of love and devotion.
More recently, vows to express their current love for each other. They tell the other of how special they are, how they make them feel and how they want this feeling to last forever. The focus is on the love that is “now” with only the hope that it will remain throughout their lives.
Now, all that is fine and moving but does it really capture what a marriage is all about? As Tim Keller has said, “Wedding vows are not a declaration of present love but a mutually binding promise of future love. A wedding should not be primarily a celebration of how loving you feel now— that can safely be assumed. Rather, in a wedding, you stand up before God, your family, and all the main institutions of society, and you promise to be loving, faithful, and true to the other person in the future, regardless of undulating internal feelings or external circumstances.
TRANSITION
SENTENCE: This new reality speaks volumes about the basis for the status of marriage today.
TRANSITION: Some weeks ago I handed out a booklet on the state of marriage that showed the exponential increase in divorce, cohabitation and non-marital births, and the more contemporary and common practice of “friends with benefits”- referring to short-term sexual encounters.
The obvious question is, “What has led to this demotion of marriage?” Before the 1960’s marriage was primarily viewed is a comprehensive union inherently suited for procreation and the sharing of family life. It called for permanent and exclusive commitment. In this view, the state has an interest in marriage because society needs children who become healthy adults capable of contributing to the common good and stable marriages are best suited for that. Since the 60’s the dominant view is that marriage is essentially a private matter, an affair of the heart between two adults, in which no outsider, not even the children of the marriage, should be allowed to interfere. Marriage is primarily valued by how well it benefits or satisfies the adult's individual emotional need and is primarily for and about adult happiness. If the benefits are absent for then divorce becomes a valid even recommended option.
SAY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY: Romantic love has always been around. An ancient book, the Song of Songs, reminds us of its universal appeal. From the book, we learn that romantic love is a wonderful gift of God but it should lead us to something deeper and more permanent. That is a covenantal love that goes beyond the emotional whims of romantic love to a one that is modeled in Jesus Himself- who loves us even when we are otherwise unlovable.
EXPLAIN
SETTING: The Song of Songs is unique in the Bible. There is nothing explicitly spiritual about it. God is never mentioned and neither is faith, sin, forgiveness, grace, prayer, holiness, worship, or eternal life. The sexual content of the book is graphic and intense to the point that at certain times in history, young people were forbidden from reading the book. Some have even questioned whether the book should be included in the Bible.
The book has often been explained as an allegory of God's love for Israel, or the church's love
for Christ. But most see it as a collection of love songs, celebrating the mystery and delights of romantic love- something common in ancient literature and much like it would be today. The title suggests that of all such songs this is the best song like King of Kings or Holy of Holies.
It can't really be understood chronologically; it's like an arrangement of songs with a pivotal center point of a wedding night, the physical consummation of love by a bride and bridegroom. In fact, it may be the book had been composed and performed for a wedding celebration. In it, we find three singers—the bride, the bridegroom, and a chorus. As the book unfolds, the characters anticipate and/or reflect upon that wedding night.
TEXT: Song of Solomon (Songs)
THEME: When romance supersedes covenant as the central bond of marriage the stability of that relationship is subject to our emotional whims.
What does the Song of Solomon teach us about love?
I. Romantic love is a wonderful gift of God. (Chapter 1-2)
A. It gives us pleasure.
The book starts with the bride saying, "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine." The song is telling us that one of the reasons love is so wonderful is that it is a source of great pleasure and delight and the kiss is an expression of that.
It is like nothing else in life. It's better than wine, the singer says. She wants that experience—she wants to be kissed passionately and tenderly by the person she loves. And so do we.
In verse 3 she says, "Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes, your name is like perfume poured out." When you take a vial of perfume and pour it out the room fills with the fragrance. It's the only thing you can smell. That's what happens every time she thinks of her lover's name—he captures her imagination; he's the only thing she can think about.
Verse 4 says, "Take me away with you—let us hurry! The king has brought me into his
chambers!" She fantasizes about running away with the one she loves, of having him all to herself, of spending the night together. Again, whether she is anticipating her wedding night or remembering it, we're not quite sure. The point is that nothing would make her happier than to be alone and intimate with the one she loves.
B. It reveals our value and potential.
The bride speaks again, in verse 6, "Do not stare at me because I am dark because I am darkened by the sun. My mother's sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I have neglected." It seems that this young woman is self-conscious about her appearance, her darkened skin characteristic of a lowly peasant working in the fields.
This insecurity is common when we look in the mirror and wonder who would want us, who could ever love us. Like the rest of us, this woman is insecure about her desirability and attractiveness. She is stuck at home to work with her brothers in the vineyards. She didn't have much of a life. So she wants to be rescued by a lover who will take her away and allow her to become a woman; not only to be sexually fulfilled, but to have a home and family and life of her own and along comes her Prince and says, "If you do not know, most beautiful of women…" He thinks she's desirable and wants her. He goes on in verse 9, "I liken you, my darling, to a mare, harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh." (You have to remember this is ancient poetry- in its day that would complement. Guys, I would not advise using this as a pickup line today).
He goes on and says, "Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of
jewels. We will make you earrings of gold, studded with silver." He sees both her outer and inner beauty. To him, she is a princess and he wants to show the world how beautiful she is. When you love someone and are loved in return, it brings things out of you that didn't know were there. You're free to be your best self. That's the power, the wonder, of love. It releases our beauty and potential.
C. It points us to an ideal that real life can never fully satisfy.
We rightfully love Cinderella stories like this. It is no wonder that romantic songs and movies dominate the media. But, there is a limitation with romantic love in that while it is a wonderful gift of God it is seldom something that can be maintained at its peak intensity. Life happens, distractions occur, the true person is revealed and the flaws that we were once blinded too can soon dominate. Usually, within one or two years after the marriage, the fantasy subsides and the real person comes out. Many become disappointed feeling they were betrayed or let down.
The romance phase allows us to see each other’s value and what could be. But, the reason it often disappoints is that it is only a shadow of the essence of a deeper love. The world as it now is, a world of spoiled goodness, a world of decay, that can only point us to something better. We live in a world of shadows that points us to a brighter world free of evil, free of pain, free of death. Romance is one of those glimpses of what that world will look like.
Paul reminds us of this in Romans 8:18-21, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (19) The creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. (20) For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope (21) that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.”
That longing in our heart is a longing that ultimately only God can fulfill. As C.S. Lewis has said, “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
ILLUSTRATE: There is a story of a young couple who, at the end of their first date, a young man in a bygone era took his favorite girl home. He decided to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leaned his hand against the wall, smiled, and said, "How about a goodnight kiss?" "Are you crazy?" she said. "My parents will see us!" "Oh, come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Come on, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's too risky!" "Please, please, please. I like you so much." "No, no, no. I like you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes, you can. Please?" "No, no. I just can't." "Pleeeeease?..."
Then to their surprise, the porch light went on, the door opened, and there stood the girl's sister, hair disheveled, in her pajamas. In a sleepy voice, she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. If need be, dad will come down himself and do it. Whatever you do, tell your date to take his hand off the intercom button.
APPLY: The first kiss of a romance carries with it many delightful and pleasurable emotions. But, it does not always prepare us for the obstacles that soon ensue.
THEME: When romance supersedes covenant as the central bond of marriage the stability of that relationship is subject to our emotional whims.
What does the Song of Solomon teach us about love?
II. Covenantal love is a decision to love regardless of our emotional whims. (3-5)
A. Romantic love sets us up for pain and disillusionment.
In chapter 3 we find the bride sharing a recurring anxiety-inducing dream that brings her pain. She says in verse 1, “All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him." The search becomes intense and painful. Maybe she's afraid something might happen to him or their relationship. What if he loses interest, what if they have a falling out, what if someone or something comes between them and keeps them from getting married? Or it could be she is remembering the anxiety she felt before she met him.
We know what she's going through. Every human being yearns to love and to be loved.
We want to be held by someone who cares about us deeply. Aside from the need for food and shelter, love is the fundamental craving of the human heart. "It is not good for the man to be alone," God said. But, that craving can also be the basis for intense anxiety and disappointment.
B. Romantic love focuses on the satisfaction the other person gives.
Our culture values romantic love and the satisfaction we find from it- but it alone cannot sustain a marriage. Tim Keller has said, “One of the most widely held beliefs in our culture today is that romantic love is all important in order to have a full life but that it almost never lasts. lasts. A second, related belief is that marriage should be based on romantic love. Taken together, these convictions lead to the conclusion that marriage and romance are essentially incompatible, that it is cruel to commit people to lifelong connection after the inevitable fading of romantic joy.”
C. Covenantal love is a choice to love a person even when the emotional satisfaction may be absent.
The Biblical perspective is radically different from the fickleness of romantic love. Lasting love needs a framework of binding obligation to make it fully what it should be. A covenant relationship is not just about being intimate. It is a relationship that is more intimate because it is permanent and binding. It brings a sense of security romantic love cannot provide.
ILLUSTRATE: For a culture that's bought into the photo-shopped notion that romance equals euphoria, or blissful self-fulfillment, or nonstop infatuation, writer Heather Havrilskey offers the following advice on true romance:
After a decade of marriage … I'm going to tell you my most romantic story of all. I was very sick out of the blue with some form of dysentery. It hit overnight. I got up to go to the bathroom, and I fainted on the way and cracked my ribs on the side of the bathtub. My husband discovered me there, passed out, in a scene that … well, think about what that might look like … My husband was not happy about this scene. But he handled it without complaint. That is the very definition of romantic: not only not being made to feel crappy about things that are clearly out of your control but being quietly cared for by someone who can shut up and do what needs to be done under duress ...
APPLY: That story illustrates the nitty gritty of what makes a relationship work. It is the kind of love that bring us through the daily hardships and setbacks of life and may not bring with it feelings that we generally associate with romance.
THEME: When romance supersedes covenant as the central bond of marriage the stability of that relationship is subject to our emotional whims.
What does the Song of Solomon teach us about love?
III. The search for love should ultimately lead us back to God. (6-8)
A. God provides the model of covenantal love.
As the Song of Songs continues to develop its theme we begin to see unfold that the bridegroom's love helps the bride past her insecurities and anxieties. Their love encounters obstacles that keep them away and threaten the fiber of their relationship. But, in his love, she finds security because he sees beyond her flaws and into the core of her being. It is something that is deeper than the temporary euphoric feeling of romance.
It is little wonder then that for much of history this book has been read as an allegory of God’s love for his people, whether it be Israel or the church. The book reveals the ideal of romantic love and how it is expressed between two lovers but it points us to something richer than the fickle emotions that currently drive our relationships. We see the ideal of love fulfilled in ways that ultimately only God can express. Like the book, we see these qualities revealed in God.
1. His model shows us that His love looks past a person’s flaws to love us even while we rebellious sinners. While He craves to see us return love to Him in response His love is not dependent on it. He is always ready to receive us back.
2. His model shows us that we are best fulfilled by sacrificially loving another. This is the lost element of love that our culture has abandoned. In God’s love, the fulfillment is not in what He receives but in what He gives. He gives his life as a demonstration of His love and in that finds the fulfillment of His purpose.
3. His model shows us we can love a person beyond our emotional whims. Love is not driven by the ups and downs of our daily emotions or difficulties. It is grounded is the covenant- not in the feeling.
B. God loves us even we do not merit it. This is the greatest reward of them all. Like God, we do not give love because the recipient deserves it just as we do not get love because we deserve it. It is not earned. Just as there is nothing more valuable in existence than God those who bear God’s image are of immense value and worth. When we see that intrinsic value in others because they bear that image we can love them independent their merits.
ILLUSTRATE: Years past we expected marriage and family to provide love, support, and security but for meaning in life, hope for the future, moral compass, and self-identity we looked to God and the afterlife. Today, however, our culture has taught us to believe that no one can be sure those things even exist. Something has to fill the gap so we look to sex and romance to give us what we used to get from faith in God. On this matter, Ernest Becker writes: “The love partner becomes the divine ideal within which to fulfill one’s life. All spiritual and moral needs now become focused in one individual… In one word, the love object is God… Man reached for a “thou” when the world-view of the great religious community overseen by God died… After all, what is it that we want when we elevate the love partner to the position of God? We want redemption— nothing less.”
APPLY: And so it is. We have allowed romance to replace God to find purpose and meaning and it has proven to be fickle and failed substitute for what only God can fulfill.
THEME: When romance supersedes covenant as the central bond of marriage the stability of that relationship is subject to our emotional whims.
SAY WHAT YOU HAVE SAID: This morning we learn that romantic love is a wonderful gift of God but it should lead us to something deeper and permanent. That is a covenantal love that is modeled in Jesus Himself- who loves us even when we are otherwise unlovable.
TIE INTO OPENING SENTENCE: When we make our vows at a wedding they need to focus on the commitment of death do us part. The euphoria of romantic love may be tested beyond any expectation and apart from the covenantal love of God most marriages will not survive.
APPLY TO SPECIFIC AUDIENCE:
1. “To last for the long haul and through the stresses and complexities of life, love has to be more than something we feel. It has to be something we do. We have to demonstrate it concretely in our marriage.” Love must be a choice that overrides our emotions.
2. Romance is a wonderful gift of God that points us to something that ultimately only God can provide. We set ourselves us for failure and disappointment if we let it replace Him.
3. God is waiting patiently for you to say yes to Him. He longs for your love in response to His.
HAYMAKER: Tedd Kidd was five years older than Janet, finished college before her, and he started to work in a city hundreds of miles away from her. They always seemed to be at different places in their lives. But they had been dating for seven years. Every Valentine's Day, Tedd proposed to her. Every Valentine's Day, Janet would say, "No, not yet."
Finally, when they were both living in Dallas, Texas, Tedd reached the end of his patience. He bought a ring, took Janet to a romantic restaurant, and was prepared to reinforce his proposal with the diamond. Another "No" would mean he had to get on with his life without her.
After the salad, entree, and dessert, it was time. Tedd summoned up his courage. Knowing that Janet had a gift for him, however, he decided to wait. "What did you bring me?" he asked. She handed him a box the size of a book. He opened the package and slowly peeled away the tissue paper. It was a cross-stitch Janet had made that simply said, "Yes."
Yes: it is the word that God, in his tireless pursuit of the sinner, longs to hear.
THEME: When romance supersedes covenant as the central bond of marriage the stability of that relationship is subject to our emotional whims.
